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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Married couple expecting to stay in separate rooms?

122 replies

shareabed · 02/09/2021 21:50

I live in a house where musical beds at night is a common occurrence and my husband and I sleep apart more than we sleep together. We have adopted the "whatever gives us all the most sleep for now" motto. Hopefully a temporary measure to get us through the baby/toddler years. When we stay as a guest anywhere else we would all bunk in together in one room and expect a rubbish nights sleep but would never expect people to put themselves out to accommodate our rather antisocial sleep needs!

My husband's parents have been coming to stay with us pretty regularly. At home, they sleep in separate rooms due to FIL's snoring. We only have one guest room however when they stay with us they expect to use two bedrooms, which means that we have nowhere to escape too if one of us needs too. I ended up having to sleep on the sofa for part of the stay last time they were up as I just desperately needed some space/sleep. The last couple of times they have come to stay, I have pointedly just set up one room for them to share and closed the door to the nursery & made sure it did not look guest ready but my husband's mom just moved her stuff into there (until the midnight musical beds shuffle) without asking either of us.

If it was just once in a blue moon then I'd just get on with it but the fact that it's on a regular basis and it's the expectation that is pissing me off! I'm keen to bring it up with them but my husband does not want to ruffle feathers. He is very much of the opinion that they are are guests so we should make every effort to make them comfortable.

So should we be putting our guests comfort before our own or are their expectations for a room each unreasonable?

OP posts:
ChargingBuck · 02/09/2021 23:46

Maybe when they come to stay & need separate rooms, you should take PP's advice & book a Travelodge.

And go & sleep in it yourself.
Then the remaining adults can have a bed each, & DH can learn how to do the night shift.

I can't believe he has fathered a child that he lives with, but never gets up at night for. Is it always his way or the high way OP?

Keladrythesaviour · 02/09/2021 23:48

They're your guests, they get priority

Rainbows89 · 02/09/2021 23:52

I don’t they think they are being rude because you haven’t told them that this is an issue?

Something has change though … you all need sleep… could DH and DFIL go to a B&B?!

Couchbettato · 02/09/2021 23:54

Why do they come to stay so often any way? Do they do you any favours? Are they going to start pitching in and paying rent?

As it's you that's losing most of the sleep most of the time you get the last bloody laugh when it comes to who sleeps where.

If your husband doesn't like that he can put a tent up in the garden. I hear Go Outdoors has lovely sale on, probably find a decent 3 man tent on there.

ChargingBuck · 02/09/2021 23:57

@Keladrythesaviour

They're your guests, they get priority
If so, it's up to their son to give them that priority, not to simply expect his wife to kip on a sofa & have no private space of her own to retreat to.
Howshouldibehave · 02/09/2021 23:58

@ChargingBuck

I'm keen to bring it up with them but my husband does not want to ruffle feathers

DH doesn't get to dictate what you are allowed to talk about to anyone. Especially when it so closely affects your own home & comfort.

He's not very bothered about your ruffled feathers, is he?

This.

He’s happy for you to entertain his parents walk day whilst he works as well!

Tell then you sleep apart-do you think DH will be cross with you?

SleepingStandingUp · 02/09/2021 23:59

If you have a spare that you or DH sometimes sleep in, why was she in the nursery with the baby. Surely that's more disruptive for her with you in and out? Unless she offers to do night wakings 🤣

I'd give them their own rooms but make it clear to DH you're sleeping in your bed all night and if he doesn't like it, he can go crash with his Dad in the double!!

REignbow · 03/09/2021 00:00

@ChargingBuck

Very much so!

Also, he doesn’t think that he should have to sleep on the sofa. It should be you. Hence, why he doesn’t want you to mention it.

Also, why the hell are you entertaining them whilst he is at work? They come when he is there or he takes time off.

Your DH and PIL sound very selfish and expect you just to be a good little shareabed and not rock the boat.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/09/2021 00:00

I wonder if as they sleep apart because they don't like each other much whether he assumes if he admits you guys sleep apart that they'll think its for the same reason and that your marriage is in trouble?

REignbow · 03/09/2021 00:02

Oo I like the idea of booking a TL for yourself

Viviennemary · 03/09/2021 00:03

You all sound hard work tbh. So I don't think there is any right answer here.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/09/2021 00:03

Also, why the hell are you entertaining them whilst he is at work? They come when he is there or he takes time off would you seriously not see your PILs without your DH there? You do realise that some people have actual relationships with their ILs? He's at work, not on a lads weekend

thebeatingofthedrums · 03/09/2021 00:06

@ChargingBuck

He's sensitive about it but I think he feels we should accommodate their needs above our own.

No he doesn't.

He thinks you should accommodate their needs above your own.

This.

The thing is, if his parents sleep in separate rooms, they're hardly going to judge the two of you for doing the same thing! If you don't tell them that you use two rooms yourself, how are they supposed to know they're putting you out?

Your DH needs to solve this. It's a problem entirely of his own creation.

Jemand · 03/09/2021 00:09

But WHY is your DH so sensitive about you sleeping apart? There's a perfectly valid reason for it, it's not as if you're doing it because he's impotent or smelly or anything. Or has he worked out that maybe it shows him up as just a tad selfish?

toomuchlaundry · 03/09/2021 00:11

How often do they come and stay?

If they don’t really get on, could you invite them separately? How far away do they live?

GreyTV · 03/09/2021 00:17

I don’t understand people who give up their room for guests. No one is ever sleeping in my bed, they can stay in a hotel or the guest room.
You DH is a dick.
Just tell them there is only one spare room as you sleep apart as DH wants his beauty weauty sleep and won’t share with you and the baby. So they share or go to a hotel.

REignbow · 03/09/2021 00:21

@SleepingStandingUp

I do have a very good relationship with my IL’s thanks. They also don’t descend and stay on a regular basis and dictate sleeping arrangements whilst they stay with me.

It appears that OP is expected to make everyone else feel comfortable, be entertained, whilst she sleeps on the sofa whilst waking in the night with small children.

Maskedrevenger · 03/09/2021 00:24

What’s that well known MN saying?
You have a DH problem not an in-laws problem.
I love a PP’s solution book a cheap room for yourself and go and have a lovely uninterrupted nights sleep, take snacks and whatever you like to drink since you’re not on baby duty for once. Leave your baby with your DH, he’ll probably palm the childcare off to him mum anyway. Oh and take the time to think about making some more changes at home when the in-laws leave.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/09/2021 00:26

[quote REignbow]@SleepingStandingUp

I do have a very good relationship with my IL’s thanks. They also don’t descend and stay on a regular basis and dictate sleeping arrangements whilst they stay with me.

It appears that OP is expected to make everyone else feel comfortable, be entertained, whilst she sleeps on the sofa whilst waking in the night with small children.[/quote]
Two seperate issues tho. Op doesn't seem bothered entertaining them so it isnt the issue ylthe previous message suggested. Her DH needs to pull up his big girl pants and tell them, sleep on the sofa or crawl in with Daddy. I absolutely agree op should not be out of her bed

Inertia · 03/09/2021 00:28

Sounds like you’re doing an awful lot of accommodating everyone else’s needs.

Time to be honest. If DH doesn’t want to offend his parents, he can sleep on the sofa. But you need to sort it, because the baby will need his/ her own bedroom before long.

sadie9 · 03/09/2021 00:29

If its a Friday night why can't you stay in your own room/bed with the baby and let your DH take the sofa? Maybe you are breastfeeding but on a Fri, Sat just put on the light and let him go walkies to find a place to sleep. If his mother is in the only available bed then he'll get your point.
I presume you have 4 bedrooms with a smaller child in one, a nursery and a guest, and your own room.

TwoLeftElbows · 03/09/2021 00:33

It does sound confusing for them if you are both merrily pretending that the nursery bed is unoccupied when it isn't. Tell your husband that having a baby is a perfectly good explanation. And why on earth would his parents judge when they sleep separately themselves??

For tomorrow I think DH should take the sofa - but do be upfront about this so he doesn't get woken early. All sensible and non-weird solutions to this involve not lying to his parents about how many bedrooms you use.

ThePluckOfTheCoward · 03/09/2021 00:45

Why are you letting your DH dictate to you. If he is so happy to have his parents staying so often and is insisting they have separate rooms then he should be the one sleeping on the sofa. But I would also be discouraging such regular visits from them.

It's concerning you say that "establishing boundaries has been a losing battle around them". It sounds like your DH and PIL seem to think they can ignore your wishes and just walk all over you and that their wishes trump yours. You need to push back against them walking all over you. This your home as well as your husband's.

C8H10N4O2 · 03/09/2021 07:36

Oh honestly!

He's sensitive about it but I think he feels we should accommodate their needs above our own

"He" is sensitive. "He" feels you should prioritise "his" parents' wants.

Who made him the household god? You have needs and wants as well. You are not nobody, its your home too. Tell them what the situation is. He can take his turn on the sofa.

Honestly stop using "we" when what you actually mean is "DH"

Quartz2208 · 03/09/2021 07:39

@ChargingBuck

He's sensitive about it but I think he feels we should accommodate their needs above our own.

No he doesn't.

He thinks you should accommodate their needs above your own.

Totally this.