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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Married couple expecting to stay in separate rooms?

122 replies

shareabed · 02/09/2021 21:50

I live in a house where musical beds at night is a common occurrence and my husband and I sleep apart more than we sleep together. We have adopted the "whatever gives us all the most sleep for now" motto. Hopefully a temporary measure to get us through the baby/toddler years. When we stay as a guest anywhere else we would all bunk in together in one room and expect a rubbish nights sleep but would never expect people to put themselves out to accommodate our rather antisocial sleep needs!

My husband's parents have been coming to stay with us pretty regularly. At home, they sleep in separate rooms due to FIL's snoring. We only have one guest room however when they stay with us they expect to use two bedrooms, which means that we have nowhere to escape too if one of us needs too. I ended up having to sleep on the sofa for part of the stay last time they were up as I just desperately needed some space/sleep. The last couple of times they have come to stay, I have pointedly just set up one room for them to share and closed the door to the nursery & made sure it did not look guest ready but my husband's mom just moved her stuff into there (until the midnight musical beds shuffle) without asking either of us.

If it was just once in a blue moon then I'd just get on with it but the fact that it's on a regular basis and it's the expectation that is pissing me off! I'm keen to bring it up with them but my husband does not want to ruffle feathers. He is very much of the opinion that they are are guests so we should make every effort to make them comfortable.

So should we be putting our guests comfort before our own or are their expectations for a room each unreasonable?

OP posts:

Alternista · 02/09/2021 22:49

Is there a bed in the nursery as well as a cot? If not what is she sleeping on when she sets up in there?

CambsAlways · 02/09/2021 22:54

I think your husband should sleep on sofa

Foxmylife · 02/09/2021 22:56

Hotel

NumberTheory · 02/09/2021 22:58

@Ragwort

if your DH won't talk to them about it then he must surely be the one who sleeps on the sofa, what's wrong with that?

^^ This.

I don't think they are being particularly rude if it isn't clear to them that the other room isn't free and you previously put them up in both rooms. They just don't know that they are costing you a lot of sleep.

But It's fair and totally reasonable to put your foot down if you're the one bearing the brunt of accommodating them.

If you aren't getting enough sleep over all, then a reasonable alternative approach is to not to invite them so often as you don't have the necessary accommodation.

Cattitudes · 02/09/2021 22:59

Unless you are bf I would plonk the baby/toddler in there and then carefully explain to MIL what the night-time routine is, how to fix the bottles etc. and skip off to bed and leave her to decide between snoring husband or crying grandchild. She may reevaluate the position if it involves being night nanny. Also encourage FIL to see the doctor, he needs an assessment to see if anything can help him.

Kithic · 02/09/2021 23:00

@basilfawltytowers

I have the same issue. ILs refuse to share a room. Even more annoying, PIL will only accept the biggest spare room. Once he repacked the car and drove home because I'd put him in a different room. SIL needed the bigger room for her, her DH and a camp bed for their dc. I don't mind really, as they're a lovely couple in all other respects and I enjoy their visits. They just have very inflexible sleeping habits! For back ground MIL snores, very loudly. I imagine it drives FIL a little bit bonkers.

PIL will only accept the biggest spare room. Once he repacked the car and drove home because I'd put him in a different room

Oh for fucks sake, what a childish arsehole

Original poster

shareabed · 02/09/2021 23:03

Hilarious about tapping dear FIL on the shoulder.

Their next visit is scheduled for tomorrow for the weekend, which is why I am thinking about it. I will be spending the day with them before DH returns home after working late. I'm very tempted to just take the bull by the horns and spell it out as you guys suggested and then I'll just have to deal with the fallout with DH. As I say, in fairness to them, I think they think it's an unoccupied room so I don't think they realise the disruption that it causes us. They might be actually be completely reasonable if I explain it to them politely. If his mom, volunteers to take the sofa then I'll tell DH that he has found his bed for the night.

Plus, as much as I love them, we are not on the same page in terms of expectations regarding frequency of visits but I hate upsetting them so it may be a blessing in disguise if FILs snoring serves as a natural deterrent.

OP posts:

C8H10N4O2 · 02/09/2021 23:03

We have adopted the "whatever gives us all the most sleep for now" motto

Sounds more like a "whatever gives DH the most sleep for now" motto.

DH doesn't do the night shift
DH requirements drive the separated sleeping arrangements
DH's parents must come regularly
DH expects you to do without sleep to accommodate them rather than admit to them that he gets the sleep and you get the musical beds?

DH either gets the sofa or tells one of the parents to take it. For an occasional visit we all put up with hassle, for regular visits it needs to be practical for everyone not just the men.

JudgeJ · 02/09/2021 23:07

@SusanBAnthony999

I think you should get the main bedroom ( plus baby if needed) and your DH should decamp to the living room sofa. His parents. His problem.

No-one should have to move in their own house unless they want to. My late OH and I had seperate rooms because of snoring but if we were on holiday or visiting family/friends we would manage somehow, the parents are being very selfish. and need telling as much.

EasterIssland · 02/09/2021 23:07

@C8H10N4O2

We have adopted the "whatever gives us all the most sleep for now" motto

Sounds more like a "whatever gives DH the most sleep for now" motto.

DH either gets the sofa or tells one of the parents to take it. For an occasional visit we all put up with hassle, for regular visits it needs to be practical for everyone not just the men.

This ! It’s ok for him to pretend everything is ok… he still sleep as always ! But not fair on you

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 02/09/2021 23:08

Explain that the baby is teething and is a bloody nightmare. Don't say he/she is sleeping through the night and needs it's own room. They'd do that in a cot in your in my experience when they get to that stage. DH needs to sleep and will spontaneously combust without it or whatever.

So they can share, kip on the sofa, book a b&b or since they don't get on anyway, visit separately and have the weekend off from each other?

Or just tell DH he'll be having the sofa, back seat of the car or putting a tent up in the garden. Buy him a camp bed and sleeping bag in the am

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 02/09/2021 23:08

C8H10N4O2

**We have adopted the "whatever gives us all the most sleep for now" motto

Sounds more like a "whatever gives DH the most sleep for now" motto.

DH either gets the sofa or tells one of the parents to take it. For an occasional visit we all put up with hassle, for regular visits it needs to be practical for everyone not just the men.**

^THIS

FibroidFanny · 02/09/2021 23:12

DH needs to step up and tell his parents that you don't have enough space at the moment for them to sleep apart when they visit, so they either need to go in together, stay locally in a hotel or leave it until the kids are more settled

Bimblybomeyelash · 02/09/2021 23:12

I still don’t get how you ended up on the sofa?!

Cherrysoup · 02/09/2021 23:13

Can’t you just say that you sleep apart? Bite the bullet, tell them the truth!

Megan2018 · 02/09/2021 23:17

We sleep separately at home too but would never dream of expecting that as guests.
But we almost never stay anywhere as guests anyway for that reason! Usually we find an air bnb with at least 2 bedrooms (as cheaper than a hotel).
DH is equally funny about people knowing we sleep apart but we have 2 entirely separate master bedrooms at home so it’s blindingly obvious

Original poster

shareabed · 02/09/2021 23:23

@Cherrysoup

Can’t you just say that you sleep apart? Bite the bullet, tell them the truth!

Well, yes, that would be my plan but my DH disagreed. But he's not around for most of the day tomorrow so I might just do it anyway in his absence when they arrive and see how they take the it.

I'll let you know how it goes.

OP posts:

NotJuryDutyAgain · 02/09/2021 23:27

If the reason you're sleeping apart is to avoid waking DH when you're caring for your baby, why is DH so sensitive about his own parents knowing about it? That's weird! Especially given that his parents sleep apart...

Jaxhog · 02/09/2021 23:31

@SusanBAnthony999

I think you should get the main bedroom ( plus baby if needed) and your DH should decamp to the living room sofa. His parents. His problem.

Exactly!

cookingisoverrated · 02/09/2021 23:32

Good luck, OP.

Your DH is wrong to not talk to his parents: you have one guest room, a nice one, and you need the remaining space in your home right now for your own sleeping sanity. If they can't cope with that, then only 1 visits, they stay elsewhere, or they don't visit. End of.

ChargingBuck · 02/09/2021 23:33

He is very much of the opinion that they are are guests so we should make every effort to make them comfortable.

Fuck him, & fuck the sofa he didn't have to sleep on, because his wife had to while he & his parents had lovely solo bed-sleep.

They're not guests, they're family.

Do you go to stay at theirs? Do they give you a room each, & happily sleep on their sofas to accommodate your comfort?

Original poster

shareabed · 02/09/2021 23:34

@NotJuryDutyAgain

He's sensitive about it but I think he feels we should accommodate their needs above our own.

OP posts:

ChargingBuck · 02/09/2021 23:37

I'm keen to bring it up with them but my husband does not want to ruffle feathers

DH doesn't get to dictate what you are allowed to talk about to anyone. Especially when it so closely affects your own home & comfort.

He's not very bothered about your ruffled feathers, is he?

ChargingBuck · 02/09/2021 23:43

He's sensitive about it but I think he feels we should accommodate their needs above our own.

No he doesn't.

He thinks you should accommodate their needs above your own.

Joystir59 · 02/09/2021 23:45

I don't like giving up my bed but would if need be for the comfort of guests- but the difference is that I am not parenting young children. I wouldn't be prepared to do it in your case OP.

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