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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Married couple expecting to stay in separate rooms?

122 replies

shareabed · 02/09/2021 21:50

I live in a house where musical beds at night is a common occurrence and my husband and I sleep apart more than we sleep together. We have adopted the "whatever gives us all the most sleep for now" motto. Hopefully a temporary measure to get us through the baby/toddler years. When we stay as a guest anywhere else we would all bunk in together in one room and expect a rubbish nights sleep but would never expect people to put themselves out to accommodate our rather antisocial sleep needs!

My husband's parents have been coming to stay with us pretty regularly. At home, they sleep in separate rooms due to FIL's snoring. We only have one guest room however when they stay with us they expect to use two bedrooms, which means that we have nowhere to escape too if one of us needs too. I ended up having to sleep on the sofa for part of the stay last time they were up as I just desperately needed some space/sleep. The last couple of times they have come to stay, I have pointedly just set up one room for them to share and closed the door to the nursery & made sure it did not look guest ready but my husband's mom just moved her stuff into there (until the midnight musical beds shuffle) without asking either of us.

If it was just once in a blue moon then I'd just get on with it but the fact that it's on a regular basis and it's the expectation that is pissing me off! I'm keen to bring it up with them but my husband does not want to ruffle feathers. He is very much of the opinion that they are are guests so we should make every effort to make them comfortable.

So should we be putting our guests comfort before our own or are their expectations for a room each unreasonable?

OP posts:

thinkfast · 03/09/2021 07:44

Why doesn't DH go and sleep in a b&b tonight? That way you don't have to ask his parents not to use 2 rooms, and you can have your bed to yourself?

EatSprayGlove · 03/09/2021 07:44

I'm not sure I've understood this. Where does the baby sleep if she's in the nursery?

zen1 · 03/09/2021 07:46

How will the sleeping arrangements work once your child / children are in their own rooms full time and your PIL want to stay? I think you need to tackle this now. The whole family can’t be giving up their bedrooms because PIL want separate rooms. Agree with pp that you shouldn’t defer to your DH on this.

Saracen · 03/09/2021 07:46

Since your in-laws bicker and don't get on and you don't have enough space for them to have separate rooms anyway, maybe they could come on separate visits.

I have no idea how you could tactfully suggest that, however!

I agree with everyone else; your DH is being very weird in not wanting his parents to know that the two of you sleep separately, especially given that his own parents sleep separately! And he is being selfish in expecting YOU to go on the sofa. If he wants his guests to be comfortably accommodated, HE should go on the sofa. Particularly since you are the one up in the night with the baby.

billy1966 · 03/09/2021 07:55

Completely agree with @ChargingBuck

What a prize you have there🙄. Not.

Your in laws are rude and your husband is selfish.

He doesn't kind nor considerate of his wife who is doing the night feeds.

OP, you have a selfish husband there who seems very unconcerned about you.

Tell his parents and start laying down YOUr boundaries in YOUR house or you have a very tough life ahead of you.

In essence, he isn't the boss of you!

I sincerely hope you are returning to work.
I wouldn't want to be financially dependent on such a selfish man.

Jemand · 03/09/2021 08:01

He's sensitive about it but I think he feels we should accommodate their needs above our own.

The problem is that he seems to think you are the one who should be accommodating their needs above yours. I don't see much sign here of him putting himself out for his parents.

Plumtree391 · 03/09/2021 08:38

They seem a bit rude to me but it appears to have become an ingrained expectation which has been facilitated by you and your husband. That's no criticism from me, these things do happen. You don't quite know how you are going to feel or cope in advance and, as you said, if it was once in a while you'd manage. However they visit regularly and it has become a pain. I would find it stressful. I daresay they think you are fine with it.

Unless you talk about it with him, it will get worse. I'm hoping they are nice people who give you a hand when they stay but you cannot go on like this indefinitely.

Is there any way you could kip with the kids during those times? I often did that, it was no hardship, but our relatives lived near to us so didn't have to stay over all the time.

You talked about sleeping on the sofa, which I presume is sufficiently comfortable. Do you have more than one room downstairs? If you have two, perhaps one of them could be designated as a private, temporary bedroom.

If there is no middle ground I'm afraid you'll have to bite the bullet regardless of how your husband feels.

I wish you luck in this delicate situation, I'm pretty sure I would find it stressful and intrusive to have to put with so regularly and probably end up wrecked and in tears. I love my space and privacy, so you have my sympathy.

DGFB · 03/09/2021 08:53

Hang on, you think they should sleep together and put up with it but you’re not willing to do that with your husband?
I’d just put up with rubbish sleep so my guests were comfortable. If you’re DH can’t cope then he goes on the sofa!

LillianGish · 03/09/2021 09:04

I think you need to be upfront and honest about this - say you don’t like to sleep in the same bedroom and neither do we while we have a teething baby/unsettled toddler. Make sure you are already fully installed in the nursery when PIL arrive, go to sleep in there with your LO at bedtime and stop the pretence that you never sleep apart. Then it’s up to your PIL - let one of them decamp to the sofa or book a hotel room.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 03/09/2021 09:08

he feels we should accommodate their needs above our own.

He feels YOU should accomodate their needs over YOUR own.

Everyone but you seems to be accommodated, have a bed to sleep in. Why?

starfishmummy · 03/09/2021 09:16

Their next visit is scheduled for tomorrow for the weekend, which is why I am thinking about it. I will be spending the day with them before DH returns home after working late. I'm very tempted to just take the bull by the horns and spell it out as you guys suggested and then I'll just have to deal with the fallout with DH

I your shoes I'd probably let it go for this visit and tell your dh he is on the sofa, but then he should be telling them that you are both sorry but from their next visit they will need to be in the same room. That way they have warning and can make other arrangements if they don't like it.

DottyHarmer · 03/09/2021 09:18

It’s so annoying that people (usually in-laws) can’t put up with a bit of discomfort for a couple of nights.

The Pil stayed one Christmas. Dd was a small baby, and I had cooked the Christmas Dinner, been the hostess with the mostest, was feeding dd too, and then in the night there was a big kerfuffle and fil banged on our door. Mil was cold and wanted a hot-water bottle, and she thought she might have a bath, too (at 2 am, too….) which of course then woke toddlers ds up. Then later on dh heard a noise downstairs and upon investigation found fil in his anorak and cap huddling in the sitting room because he disturbed mil if they slep in the same bed. I told dh they were never staying over again.

Iamclaracowbell · 03/09/2021 09:20

Personally I think there is a difference between a) 'guests' - who are people I don't see that often and who have actually been invited and I'm looking forward to seeing and b) the sort of 'guests' (usually family) who insist on visiting more regularly / for longer than you would really like, and inconveniencing you every single time as a result for some reason or another.

Group a) absolutely I would consider myself a host, and put myself out to ensure they were comfortable / had a great time. Group b) not so much, if they have decided they are staying with you and you've felt unable to say no, then they take what's on offer - in this case a single bedroom!

DH and I are both crappy sleepers, one of us often ends up in the spare bed / wandering round in the middle of the night /getting up at 5am, which is why we rarely go to stay with people, and when we do we resign ourselves to a crap night's sleep / lying in bed awake for hours until our hosts get up. Or more likely, get a hotel if it's possible!

Cuddlemonsters · 03/09/2021 09:22

@SusanBAnthony999

I think you should get the main bedroom ( plus baby if needed) and your DH should decamp to the living room sofa. His parents. His problem.

This. If he thinks sacrifices should be made and won’t draw aboundary than the sacrifice needs to be his.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 03/09/2021 09:30

My mind's boggling at people not sleeping with their partners - the only people I know who sleep in separate rooms are in their 80s.
My mind is also boggling at people letting relatives sleep in their bed. Shudder. My bed is my (and DH's) and nobody else's.

JinglingHellsBells · 03/09/2021 09:30

Bit unclear what's going on here BUT if your baby is in a cot, you will need to bite the bullet with this at some point when they love into a bed in their room.

Your baby will be using their room so your PIL will have to share a room or stay in a hotel.

I don't know why you can't say now that your baby's room is for them and not for your MIL to share.

Is that what she is doing? Moving into your baby's room where there is spare bed?

I don't think that's acceptable anyway.

JinglingHellsBells · 03/09/2021 09:31

@deydododatdodontdeydo

My mind's boggling at people not sleeping with their partners - the only people I know who sleep in separate rooms are in their 80s. My mind is also boggling at people letting relatives sleep in their bed. Shudder. My bed is my (and DH's) and nobody else's.

Lots of couples sleep apart for all kinds of reasons.

dworky · 03/09/2021 09:33

They are very entitled & should be told '1 bedroom or nothing'.

MarleneDietrichsSmile · 03/09/2021 09:34

Your DH is not sensitive really, he is not sensitive to YOUR needs. He is only sensitive to his own wants

JinglingHellsBells · 03/09/2021 09:35

@shareabed

How old is your baby?

Is the baby in your bedroom or do they sleep in another bedroom?

Not clear if the MIL is sharing with your baby or that 'nursery' is not used.

notacooldad · 03/09/2021 09:38

Why are they stopping over so much.
If it was a one off, you can maybe put up with something but it sounds like they are staying over loads.

Doubledoorsontogarden · 03/09/2021 09:38

I think it’s you and your DH’s fault that they expect two rooms, they’ve always had this in the past and it seems like neither of you want to tell them that is isn’t now and option. You will need to do it when your dc needs their own room anyhow.

Cuddlemonsters · 03/09/2021 09:42

Pretty sure the OP is saying that when the baby wakes up, they come into the parents bed and then either her or her DH go and sleep in a bed in the nursery. So if MIL is there they don’t sleep well as are all trying to share one bed.

JinglingHellsBells · 03/09/2021 09:57

@Cuddlemonsters

I can't get over the OP referring to the baby's room as the 'nursery' (Are you in the US by any chance OP)

Your MIL is cheeky to make use of your baby's room without asking.

Your H needs to have a word.

Either they use one room or they find a cheap hotel nearby. Or if they live close by, they visit and drive home at the end of the day.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 03/09/2021 09:57

Lots of couples sleep apart for all kinds of reasons.

Yes, so I am learning.
It's new to me, hence the mind boggling.

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