Traumatised by being smacked

[Babyparrotdog]

Sounds dramatic to some maybe but am I the only one who feels they are genuinely traumatised from being ‘smacked’ as a child? I feel so much worse about it since having my own child.

I can remember being smacked, across the legs and round the head, and it does colour my opinion of my parents to be honest.

I think smacking is poor parenting - anyone can physically assault someone smaller than them it’s a lazy way to try and establish discipline, and all it teaches is you get your own way by being violent. What a shit lesson.

As a parent now, I just can't imagine not feeling terrible guilt at ever raising a hand to my child. I would never be able to look them in the face if I did that. Hence, why I've never done it.

I don't understand that kind of parenting. I think my Dad did it once. The threat of being smacked was always there but mostly from my Mum. And, yes, she was vicious. She was the chase you around the house type (I have one fond memory of my brother completely out running her around the garden as we inwardly cheered him on). She hit us multiple times around the head, the legs, the arms. Just lashing out violence. Even my Dad was afraid of her. She denies it all now though!

She once hit me loads while I was naked in the bath because I was unable to use the loo.

I made us kids feel closer as it was us against her. It also made us deceitful as we were bloody petrified of her wrath.

My kids have yet to deceive me because I don't hit them but instead use words.

My own kids are horrified when I tell them what she did to us.

And she wonders why none of us want to see her...

Yes. Was smacked, hit, scratched and grabbed.

I don't think that making smacking illegal will stop the abusive smackers.

I think there's a difference between a light tap to stop a kid doing something dangerous and those that get whacked for anything and everything.

I had the odd tap on the bottom or hand if I was doing something really dangerous (like sledging my baby brother down the stairs on a sleeping bag or running across a busy road). It wasn't painful though, just a sharp tap to shock me. I definitely wasn't traumatised but I think most people would be by what you describe

I wouldn't smack DS but I don't hold it against my parents that they smacked me - it never ever left even a temporary red mark. I think the only reason I remember it at all was because of the look of utter fear on my Mum's face when she caught baby DB at the bottom of the stairs, and similar from my Dad when I was nearly hit by a van.

Smacking is wrong and studies have shown it doesn't help discipline anyway.

I don't think that making smacking illegal will stop the abusive smackers.

Sadly I agree. Also, the abusive smacking described on this thread has always been illegal. The smacking that’s permitted is the type that is with an open hand, on the hand or on the butt, and which doesn’t leave a mark.

Nope. I was smacked occasionally but had a count down warning to stop what I was doing .

Never really think about it to be honest .

I actually don’t think that the degree of smacking, whether it’s a “light tap” or frequent whacking makes any difference - if you’re traumatised then of course you’re allowed to feel that way.

Perhaps there is a correlation between the severity and frequency of violence inflicted on children and how likely they are to be traumatised in later life, but you can’t invalidate anyone’s trauma by saying that the cause is not worthy.

Personally I find smacking a very odd behaviour - on anyone else it would be classed as criminal assault but somehow its acceptable on a defenceless child. I think this abuse of power says more about the parents relationship with themselves and their own parents than on the behaviour of their child. I think a big part of the trauma is realising the fear that your primary caregiver took out their own internalised issues on their child.

My mum "smacked" me. I was not a bad child, but I got good hidings on a regular basis, with hands, hairbrushes, shoes, walking sticks, wooden spoons, belts anything she happened to have in her hands at the time all whilst being screamed at and having verbal abuse shrieked at the top of her voice. I didnt have to have done anything wrong, maybe looked at her in a way she didn't like, it spoken to a friend in a way she didn't like, or failing to ask her permission to have a biscuit offered by one of her friends ,walking too fast, walking too slow. I did well in school and was never in any trouble, but it was never good enough and parents evening always resulted in a good hiding because I got an A- instead of a straight A. Her temper was explosive and she was very loud. I was often covered in bruises but we lived in a farm and there was literally no one around to witness what was happening. I was terrified of getting up in a morning incase she was in a bad mood. She always followed these episodes up with massive hugs and told me she wouldn't do that if she didn't love me

As I got older the physical abuse stopped, but the mental abuse kicked up several notches, I left home as soon as I could.

My mum denies any of this every happened I realised when I was older that she was taking it the frustration of her life on me. My friends from that time have since told me that they knew something was wrong but didn't know what they could do to help. The beatings and shouting was just a part of every thing that went on

My son has got a tap on his bottom precisely twice when he did something dangerous as a scared reaction from me. I am not proud of it and we do most things with discussion although I can get shouty.

I didn't think I was traumatised by the beatings, but I am 52 now and find myself thinking of it a lot, trying to make sense of my childhood. I do not understand how you can do all the things she did in the name of love. I have no memory of a lot of my childhood, I have blocked a lot of it out and I am very scared of bringing that forward. I have never forgiven her or my dad who never once stepped in to protect me

Yes, I am, and I'm not including the experiences from my teens when it escalated (why wouldn't it, if you lashed out and never learned to control yourself because you're too shit and lazy a parent to work on yourself as well?). Absolutely traumatised by it. Mum has had the decency to apologise. She knows better now but there were plenty of people saying it then.

@LizzieW1969

*I don't think that making smacking illegal will stop the abusive smackers.*

Sadly I agree. Also, the abusive smacking described on this thread has always been illegal. The smacking that’s permitted is the type that is with an open hand, on the hand or on the butt, and which doesn’t leave a mark.

And which traumatised me.

Maybe some people have forgotten (or were fortunate enough never to learn) how frightening that is when it's done to you by someone three times your size who is supposed to be your caregiver, but I haven't.

Shit parenting, should be illegal.

When they say they did it out of love, that's psychological and emotional abuse which leads to deep confusion about ourselves and relationships. When they deny it even happened (or the severity of it) years later, that's also abusive, as it invalidates the integrity of the formerly beaten self.

Monstrous. And realising one had monsters for parents is heartbreaking.

You can report them anonymously to social services, please do, that poor child

I think accusing all parents who smacked with a light tap etc of being shit parents is a step too far , this was how they were taught and led to believe what worked
Im now reading how some are saying the naughty step or corner is abusive and many will of used that as its what we believe works and is correct looking at all the behaviour programmes , so we could be accused of shitty parenting
I think its more about the whole package of how your parent parented rather than the odd smack you may of received.
We had the odd smack and I mean odd but in general my parents were loving , fair and treated us well so that odd smack means nothing to me , but for others who never had that it could be different

Yes I'm traumatised from regular smacking 50 years ago. There were never any bruises and no objects were ever used.

I was smacked quite often by both parents. Sometimes it was because my sister lied about me and sometimes it was because my mother lied to my father about me.

He would spank me through my clothes so I would sometimes put on extra pants and tights when I knew it was coming to try to reduce the impact.

My mother stopped slapping me round the face when I was 16 and I hit her back.

My father stopped hitting me when I was 18 and threatened to call the police.

I mentioned it about five years ago and was told that none of it had ever happened and that my father was dreadfully upset that I would suggest he had ever hit me.

I'm now NC with my sister, which is a great relief. My father is dead and I was surprised how little I grieved him and, although I support my widowed mother, I'm not emotionally close to her and I don't feel guilty when I don't see much of her.

Physical violence against children is shit, whether you call it a tap, a hit or a smack. There's no need for it, it doesn't work and it just causes trauma. If you hit a child hard enough to shock them, you have hurt them and you are in the wrong.

@worriedatthemoment

I think accusing all parents who smacked with a light tap etc of being shit parents is a step too far , this was how they were taught and led to believe what worked Im now reading how some are saying the naughty step or corner is abusive and many will of used that as its what we believe works and is correct looking at all the behaviour programmes , so we could be accused of shitty parenting I think its more about the whole package of how your parent parented rather than the odd smack you may of received. We had the odd smack and I mean odd but in general my parents were loving , fair and treated us well so that odd smack means nothing to me , but for others who never had that it could be different

Totally. Both my parents, long time divorced, smacked me as a child but I'm very different ways

•My dad did it sparingly. Maybe once a year. One smack to get the seriousness of the offence across. A hug afterwards. He was a and attentive parent and he never abused his power

•with my mum it would be a beating, with me in the cowering corner crying for someone else to help. Shouting and locked out of the living room where the family was, and crying to the point I can't even speak^^ and then getting smacked again for crying and not speaking properly. She was a shit and abusive parent on every front.

Definitely need to take into account all aspects of parenting before judging. Not all smacks are the same.

Yes we had the belt, the threat of the belt was just as bad too. I wouldn't raise a finger to my child, I can't understand people that smack their children.

I was smacked a few times but looking back I’m not traumatised at all, in fact I agree that I was being a little shit on those occasions and deserved it!

Yes, being smacked or even threatened with violence has ruined my life in someways. I’m terrified of my husband one day hitting me - although no reason he would or any real logical fears of it happening. I panic at the first sign of confrontation. Have flashbacks. If anybody ever laid a hand on my child I’d immediately report them to the police. It is abuse regardless of what people want to tell themselves.

I wasn't smacked as a child, (although it was the 60's so quite common - all my friends were smacked) but there was corporal punishment at school.
I remember one male teacher we had - he was retired but used to come in a couple of mornings a week to teach the top class (10/11 year olds).
One boy in the class was going through a very turbulent time at home, and some times he used to be uncooperative in class - mainly just lying his head on his desk and refusing to engage.
I remember once when this happened with the retired teacher he grabbed the boy dragged him to his feet and proceeded to slap him repeatedly round the head, punch him all over his body, and he was pushing him all round the class room hitting him, he just totally lost it, In the end the boy was cowering in a corner sobbing.

I can still remember now how terribly upsetting I found it, I was almost sick having to witness that level of violence,. i can clearly remember everything about that incident - the boys name, the teachers name, the layout of the classroom where I was sitting, the horrified faces of the other children and my own fear and distress. God knows how that poor child felt.
I wish now that I or one of us other children had run to another classroom and got another teacher - but we were all too afraid, and we were growing up in an era when adults could hit children. And assault them in ways that would put them in prison now.

I have never hit my children and never ever had even the slightest inclination to hit them, however they might be acting up. It is sick and disturbing. I'm very sorry for all of you who have been through this.

It doesn’t necessarily make them a shit parent or an awful person, but striking a child in any form (light ‘tap’ or hard smack) is bad parenting. It’s lazy and aggressive, and it is never ever necessary. It is also not good teaching from parent to child.

Funny I was just thinking about smacking recently.

I had a loving family growing up but I did get smacked. Dad and mum did it, but mum seemed to have more anger in hers. Her own dad smacked her, her mum didn't, she never got angry and was the peacekeeper so it seems to have filtered down from her dad. Mostly it was smacking on the bum or legs but on one awful occasion she chased me and caught me on the stairs and grabbed and whacked my head off the stairs :( Funny enough she doesn't remember that now.

I did flinch a bit later on for a while when she was reaching behind me etc, like I was expecting to be hit. And as another poster said I'm also a people pleaser.

My parents' friends used the slipper on their kids, even when we were over visiting! I used to get stressed out listening to it, the threat issued and then them being taken into another room and slippered.