Meeting for breakfast - Which of us is being unreasonable.

[Dandy008]

Im meeting a friend in a few weeks time who lives in a different part of the country to me.

We’ve arranged to have a day out.
It will be her and her husband, myself, my husband and our 18month old son.

As they live some distance, we have decided to book a hotel and stay over night.

My friend has asked me to book a hotel right by her house so that it’s less distance for her to travel to meet us the next day for breakfast.

I’ve agreed to this, even though we could get a cheaper hotel a bit further away.

We were chatting and she said she would come and meet us for breakfast at 10.30am

I explained that DS wakes around 6.30 and is ready for his breakfast at 7am.
I could probably distract him and at a big push take him down for breakfast at 8am

I also explained that it’s a 2 hour drive back home so Ideally we wanted to head home after an early breakfast.
There’s not much for DS to do in the hotel so once we’ve eaten it makes sense to leave.

She told me that 8am is too early for her and her husband (they don’t have kids) and that the best she can do is 10am.

I’ve suggested then that we skip breakfast and I will book a cheaper hotel a bit further away.

She’s since sent me a text telling me I’m being difficult and that my DS will be fine waiting for his breakfast until 10.30am for just one day.

I’m tempted to message back and say her and her husband will be fine having breakfast at 8am for just one day… 🙄

The OP has now been to the safari park and had dinner with her friend. Hopefully is now having a swim in the pool while DH looks after DC.

Yet the debate continues. Got to love MN

@Feedingthebirds1

I'm sure the poor woman was under the impression that OP and her family were mainly there to visit HER

This is where the root misunderstanding comes from...in OP's eyes, they're going to a safari park and meeting this friend while they're in the area. In the friend's eyes, they're visiting her and doing stuff together to spend time together, so of course she's confused that they want to rush off early.

Facepalm!!!

The OP had booked for her family to go to the safari park. She mentioned the trip to the friend, who DID invite herself and her DH along. The OP was NOT going to see the friend and fitting in a trip to the safari park while they were there. The friend has also insisted on being with them for dinner on Saturday. So if the friend thought the visit was principally to see her, she's very hard of understanding.

The same friend told OP to stay in a dearer, less nice hotel than the one she's planned, because it was nearer to the friend. It's too far for the friend to travel to the better hotel apparently (a 30 minute drive), but not for the OP to do the same. And the breakfast was the friend's idea, the OP was planning to leave the hotel immediately after breakfast.

If you really believe that the OP has decided that the friend is unreasonable and selfish, how on earth would you describe the friend's behaviour?

Because all of this makes sense to someone who believes the trip is mostly to visit them!!!! Booking a hotel nearby, trying to plan a leisurely brunch catch-up, coming along to the safari park. This is all normal stuff that anyone would do if they thought a friend was coming to spend time with them.

Even OP's own opening post makes it sound as if it's principally a trip to see the friends. This is where the issue really lies - to OP this is a trip to a safari park with the friends as an afterthought. To the OP's friend, it's very likely to be the other way around - she thinks they're in the area to see her and the activities OP has planned are things they can do together. Hence the confusion when OP said to skip breakfast. To someone who actually WANTS to see the other person, it comes across as hurtful and strange to rush off early!

If you cant see the OP’s posts in green, its because you arent logged in. If you arent logged in, you cant see next or see all and just read the OP’s follow up posts

@Lostmarbles2021 she only posted it on Thursday and it's happening in a 'few weeks time'.

Lol she's going to have a shock when she has kids.
Blimey. Just give it a miss, sounds like more stress than enjoyment.

NerrSnerr

@Lostmarbles2021 she only posted it on Thursday and it's happening in a 'few weeks time'.

Then let the debate rage on

[quote Rozziie]@NumberTheory I've explained time and time again that to someone who is keen to meet up, the reason OP initially gave her friend for 10.30am being too late did indeed make her sound difficult. This is a 'problem' that's ridiculously easy to solve for someone who actually WANTS to see their friend, so from the friend's perspective, her insisting that she can't possibly wait around that long so they'd have to have breakfast at 8am does seem a bit difficult.

But of course OP isn't actually interested in seeing the friend's point of view. She's already decided the friend is selfish and unreasonable and wants to enjoy the echo chamber in here of people telling her she's right.

Look at the way OP talks about the friend - full of scorn, as if the friend just randomly invited herself along to their family day out. I'm sure the poor woman was under the impression that OP and her family were mainly there to visit HER, so of course she would want to spend time with them. This is where the root misunderstanding comes from...in OP's eyes, they're going to a safari park and meeting this friend while they're in the area. In the friend's eyes, they're visiting her and doing stuff together to spend time together, so of course she's confused that they want to rush off early.

OP's friend definitely doesn't come off brilliantly in this but neither does the OP. She doesn't seem to realise that sometimes maintaining a friendship is more important than being 'right'. And then she'll be on here whingeing about how her childless friends have all faded away. Jeez, wonder why?[/quote]
OP had already organised to go out of her way to meet her friend for breakfast, at additional expense. She didn’t give a reason for wanting to leave early. Just as the friend doesn’t appear to have given a reason for wanting to meet late or for not wanting to drive 30 mins.

She didn’t say the friend was selfish or unreasonable for wanting to eat later. She was pissed off at being called “difficult” by her friend when she was the one doing virtually all the accommodating.

She wasn’t asking for ideas on how to bend over further for her friend. However “ridiculously easy” you may think your solutions were the OP had considered them, realised they didn’t work and so didn’t ask you to go there. She was pissed off at the double standard, that was all.

Even OP's own opening post makes it sound as if it's principally a trip to see the friends. This is where the issue really lies - to OP this is a trip to a safari park with the friends as an afterthought. To the OP's friend, it's very likely to be the other way around - she thinks they're in the area to see her and the activities OP has planned are things they can do together. Hence the confusion when OP said to skip breakfast. To someone who actually WANTS to see the other person, it comes across as hurtful and strange to rush off early!

But none of this negates the fact that the OP is accommodating the friend by seeing her on the Saturday, and including her in dinner. On her family day out.

Staying at a hotel that’s a 30-minute drive in the wrong direction, and doesn’t have kid-friendly facilities is a step too far, as is waiting until 10.30 to have breakfast.

Your posts honestly read as if the OP should be making every single one of the concessions, and the friend none.

If the friend is feeling all hurt and left out, even though the OP and her family will spend all day Saturday with her, including having dinner with her, then she’s being seriously unreasonable and precious.

I’m amazed this is even up for discussion.

I think she means meeting for a sociable relaxed breakfast - this doesn't normally happen at 7am or even 8am! 10am is more normal.

If I was you I'd take/buy some food to give DS an early breakfast then head out to a park for a while to let him burn off some energy then back to the hotel for a sociable breakfast at 10am.

The weekend will be over, op home and sorted, cat collected, dc well fed... and people will STILL be posting their views that have been said on page 1

@UndertheCedartree

I think she means meeting for a sociable relaxed breakfast - this doesn't normally happen at 7am or even 8am! 10am is more normal.

If I was you I'd take/buy some food to give DS an early breakfast then head out to a park for a while to let him burn off some energy then back to the hotel for a sociable breakfast at 10am.

The OP has long since made up her mind as to what she’s going to do, and it’s not this.

Look at the way OP talks about the friend - full of scorn, as if the friend just randomly invited herself along to their family day out. I'm sure the poor woman was under the impression that OP and her family were mainly there to visit HER, so of course she would want to spend time with them.

You are so wrong it's laughable @rozzie. The friend totally did invite herself, although it was specific, not random.
Here's how the safari day was arranged:

OP booked day out for son at safari park
OP & friend were in contact. OP mentioned the safari plan.
Friend asked to join the safari day. OP agreed.
OP says they are staying overnight in a hotel.
Friend dictates choice of hotel, asking OP to choose the more expensive one with no swimming pool, on a main road with no toddler entertainment possibilities, because friend can't be arsed to drive 30 minutes.
Friend says let's meet for breakfast. OP explains they want to leave early, so that won't work unless it's about 8am.
Friend disagrees, asks for a 10:30 am.
OP says no thanks, that doesn't work for her. Friend calls her "difficult".

How you get "your friend thought you were coming expressly to visit her" from all that beats me.

@LimeRedBanana - ahh - I've done the classic not RTFT!!

Not Covid, not Brexit, but this thread has made me completely lose my faith in my fellow humans.

@ChargingBuck

Look at the way OP talks about the friend - full of scorn, as if the friend just randomly invited herself along to their family day out. I'm sure the poor woman was under the impression that OP and her family were mainly there to visit HER, so of course she would want to spend time with them.

You are so wrong it's laughable @rozzie. The friend totally did invite herself, although it was specific, not random.
Here's how the safari day was arranged:

OP booked day out for son at safari park
OP & friend were in contact. OP mentioned the safari plan.
Friend asked to join the safari day. OP agreed.
OP says they are staying overnight in a hotel.
Friend dictates choice of hotel, asking OP to choose the more expensive one with no swimming pool, on a main road with no toddler entertainment possibilities, because friend can't be arsed to drive 30 minutes.
Friend says let's meet for breakfast. OP explains they want to leave early, so that won't work unless it's about 8am.
Friend disagrees, asks for a 10:30 am.
OP says no thanks, that doesn't work for her. Friend calls her "difficult".

How you get "your friend thought you were coming expressly to visit her" from all that beats me.

How do you know? The OP's own initial post reads as if the main reason for going to that area was to see these friends. Why did she even contact them at all if she wasn't planning on spending time with them? She seems put out that the friend 'invited herself' along to the safari day and dinner....well, when exactly was she planning on seeing her?!

OP's friend's attitude makes total sense if viewed through the lens of someone who thinks the family is in the area mostly to spend time with them. I guess it's just easier for you to get off on calling the friend selfish and unreasonable rather than try to understand where she's coming from.

God knows why OP even bothered posting here, because she's totally unprepared to even entertain the idea that her friend might see all this very differently. Presumably they like each other and get on so this attitude of trying to be 'right' rather than to understand is baffling to me.

Well done op

I hope there is no awkwardness now

@Rozziie How do you know? The OP's own initial post reads as if the main reason for going to that area was to see these friends.

Because the OPs subsequent posts clarified that the purpose of the trip was not to see her friend. That she mentioned in conversation to her friend that her and family were going to a safari park. This is 40 mins from friend. She did not invite friend. Friend then said she loved that park and would come along to see OP and family.

So friend has hijacked family day out (albeit I'm sure OP was pleased to see friend), invited herself also to dinner, wanted OP to stay at a hotel more convenient to her, at greater expense to OP, then suggested breakfast which OP is not so keen on due to needing to get back, insisted they meet later and will not compromise to travel 30 mins to the further hotel.

Sorry, not sure if we're reading the same thread?

@Rozziie
God knows why OP even bothered posting here, because she's totally unprepared to even entertain the idea that her friend might see all this very differently. Presumably they like each other and get on so this attitude of trying to be 'right' rather than to understand is baffling to me.

Well, thanks to some posters who read the OP and didn’t just take it as an opportunity to explain how she was mothering wrong, OP has come to the realization that her friend may well have been “her way or the highway” all along, but she’d previously been too easy going to realise it. So there was some insight there.

@Rozziie - maybe you can explain where you see the friend doing some of the accommodating / compromising in this meet up.

It might help us to get where you’re coming from.

@Sandinmyknickers

You seem to be thinking that you are "bending over backwards " to accommodate her but reading the drip feed of your posts, I can see how she could interpret it... I.e. you've said you're coming to a safari park near her (didn't invite her), but she thought it would be a great opportunity to catch up so suggested coming along, and also suggested going for dinner with you at 5pm, so essentially spending her entire Saturday accommodating your 'family ' schedule to make an effort to see you...then when she suggested breakfast/brunch, a more adult catch up, the next day before you go back (albeit at a convenient hotel for her), you've gone "sorry..toddler...sorry...cat...sorry want to be home very early"

I'm not saying she's right, but it also sounds like she is being accommodating to you on the Saturday as she really wants to see you. I'm not sure quite how you are "bending over backwards" for her, and I can see how she might feel like you're just tacking her on to a trip you'd already planned to do anyway, and refusing to make any additional effort beyond her conforming to your Saturday plans or not seeing you at all...maybe she thinks she's already making all the effort?

This! How are you bending over backwards? She's meeting you at the park - your chosen activity at your chosen time, then she's meeting you at dinner also at your inconvenient and chosen time. She's suggested breakfast at a location she's knows is good, and asked you to join but it's all too hard for you with excuse after excuse. Not sure why you need to be back by midday for a cat? Or is it your son, or the pool? You say you didn't even invite her to the park and dinner, you're making out it's an inconvenience she's meeting you and you don't really want to see her. Perhaps you better not meet her at all if she's that much of an inconvenience.

[quote LimeRedBanana]@Rozziie - maybe you can explain where you see the friend doing some of the accommodating / compromising in this meet up.

It might help us to get where you’re coming from.[/quote]
Another poster has just said it. Thank God someone gets it.

The friend is happy to go along to the safari park with the kid and have dinner at OP's chosen (inconvenient) time. She wants to meet OP for breakfast thinking it's a nice way to have a proper chat, and OP first gave a totally inconvenient time and then said they should just skip breakfast. The recommendation for the hotel was probably a kind suggestion since OP knows the hotel is good, not a demand that she stays there!

It's wild how people have just gone along with OP's framing of the situation without really questioning it. If I were the friend and read here what OP really thinks of me, I'd delete her number and the friendship would be over.

@season2 exactly!!! Framing all of it as if this friend is imposing by 'inviting herself' to things when OP was the one who contacted her in the first place. Why bother? If everything is such an imposition for OP, why didn't she just go on her family day out rather than try to involve this 'friend' and then resent every attempt from the friend to actually spend time together?

Some people are so incredibly strange.

@Dangermouse5 what deadline? Op has said she needs to pick the cat up but has never specified a time. She's also said she doesn't like leaving the cat for too long as the cats become accustomed to her DH working from home. Doesn't sound like a deadline to me, she'd just prefer to be home earlier rather than meet her friend for a nice breakfast.

@Dangermouse5 perhaps you should learn to use the filter better as nowhere did the OP say there was a 12:30 deadline to pick up the cat. You're making things up.