Meeting for breakfast - Which of us is being unreasonable.

[Dandy008]

Im meeting a friend in a few weeks time who lives in a different part of the country to me.

We’ve arranged to have a day out.
It will be her and her husband, myself, my husband and our 18month old son.

As they live some distance, we have decided to book a hotel and stay over night.

My friend has asked me to book a hotel right by her house so that it’s less distance for her to travel to meet us the next day for breakfast.

I’ve agreed to this, even though we could get a cheaper hotel a bit further away.

We were chatting and she said she would come and meet us for breakfast at 10.30am

I explained that DS wakes around 6.30 and is ready for his breakfast at 7am.
I could probably distract him and at a big push take him down for breakfast at 8am

I also explained that it’s a 2 hour drive back home so Ideally we wanted to head home after an early breakfast.
There’s not much for DS to do in the hotel so once we’ve eaten it makes sense to leave.

She told me that 8am is too early for her and her husband (they don’t have kids) and that the best she can do is 10am.

I’ve suggested then that we skip breakfast and I will book a cheaper hotel a bit further away.

She’s since sent me a text telling me I’m being difficult and that my DS will be fine waiting for his breakfast until 10.30am for just one day.

I’m tempted to message back and say her and her husband will be fine having breakfast at 8am for just one day… 🙄

'Difficult' is a really unpleasant word to use about somebody who is supposed to be a friend. If someone called me 'difficult' they'd probably be told to fuck off.

But semantics apart, OP did say no, it's right there in her first post: I’ve suggested then that we skip breakfast. The correct response to that would have been 'yes, that's a shame, the timing isn't going to work, is it?' not 'you're being difficult'.

And they are meeting up, they're spending Saturday together. Sunday breakfast was an additional idea, one that won't work at a time suitable for both parties.

Rozziie
You seem determined to make having a toddler and their having needs (as a human being in their own right) sound unreasonable. When it's not.

It's not for friend to argue with OP that neither her child's needs nor OP's matter.

It could have been a discussion except for the friend calling OP 'difficult' when OP said 'no sorry can't do' and why.

Enough PPs have said same thing to you.

I think you are OPs friend. Or someone else's equivalently single minded friend.

I can see it from both points of view . If I was your friend I would want to do breakfast at 10.30 rather than 8 on a Sunday . However I can see that you have inconvenienced yourself more by paying extra for the hotel near to where your friend lives . Particularly as this was originally a trip you had arranged for your family which she has said she would like to join in with .

It will be nice for you to meet her at the safari park and for the evening meal the day before but I can't see what either of you are getting from the breakfast meet up. It sounds like your friend normally goes there for her own breakfast at 10.30 and doesn't want to put herself out at all to include meeting with you and your family .

If it's not too late I would book the cheaper hotel with the pool, enjoy your day at the safari park with your friend but do your own thing on Sunday morning and head back for your cat .

@Tiana4

Rozziie You seem determined to make having a toddler and their having needs (as a human being in their own right) sound unreasonable. When it's not.

It's not for friend to argue with OP that neither her child's needs nor OP's matter.

It could have been a discussion except for the friend calling OP 'difficult' when OP said 'no sorry can't do' and why.

Enough PPs have said same thing to you.

I think you are OPs friend. Or someone else's equivalently single minded friend.

I'm not saying the friend doesn't also sound like a headache - I think they both do.

There's nothing wrong with a toddler having needs, but OP is using them for the reason she can't meet later, as if it should be obvious. It's not obvious. I have friends with young children, we meet for brunch. They feed the kids earlier. I'm sure it is a bit of a faff but they want to keep the friendship going, so make it work. We all compromise here and there. The issue is the OP doesn't really want to meet the friend and considers it a hassle/burden. Fine, but this difference in understanding of the situation is where the problem has arisen.

Again, why post if you don't want to be told what the friend's perspective is? If you want to hear that your friend is awful and you're totally right, just vent to your partner??!

Just bin off breakfast, you’ve had your day out for catching off and breakfast doesn’t work for either of you. She is NBU for not wanting to get up early, you are NBU for wanting to get up early and go.

@Rozziie If they we're meeting at an independent place for breakfast/brunch, then yes, you can feed your children at home beforehand if needed. But she is in a hotel and would be going down to breakfast to feed her son, they can't then come back later to meet her friend! There isn't the flexibility afforded if both coming from their homes. It gets complicated and they'd be rushing to get sorted after a late breakfast to check out - child will need cleaning up, changing etc at the bare minimum, let alone the adults wanting to brush teeth etc!

And then the childed wonder why their childfree friends fade away.

Spending a whole day with someone and saying you can't do a third extra meet up the next day (that only the friend wants to do), but isn't possible because of timing, is not 'fading away'

Anyone self-centred enough to immediately call her friend with young toddler "difficult" when she explained why she couldn't, is not the kindest friend out there. Plenty of childfree friends don't get 'mean' when they don't get their own way. Laying in bed late by all means but that doesn't mean a toddlers world and busy parents lives can then be put on hold for 3 to 4 hours. It's incompatible with what OP said she has to do the next day.

I have many childfree friends who understand my DCs have their own lives, likes, dislikes, and little personalities . The same way I understand their lives have certain flow and responsibilities, (usually around animals, disabled parents or long hours at work) . We fit in with each other where we can and make short meet ups where that's all we can do.

The problem here is that OPs friend wants it all, to have OP at her beck and call all weekend, when "it all" is too much, not easy and timing wise is not possible for Sunday morning . And she is throwing her toys out with the pram when OP said no.

I wonder how the rest of OPs conversation with friend has gone? As friend is in danger of upsetting OP by being mean, if she doesn't back off with demands after being told "no sorry can't do that bit".

The response on this post is ridiculous! You are not being precious at all, your friend is an asshole. I'd say I've changed my mind, we're not meeting for breakfast. Even prekids 10am for breakfast is ridiculously late. Do whats best for you and your family.

inappropriateraspberry explains it well, to those going off on a tangent.

So this had nothing to do with seeing your friend. it was always about taking your DS to a fun family event. It happened that you friend likes it and again, it wasn't so much about seeing your friend and spend some quality time with them but about them getting to know your child.

They were fine with that (good friends) but then assume you could have a more adult like get together too and breakfast was a good compromise when your child could be distracted allowing for some catch-up, except that again, you made it about your DS. You don't seem interested at all in having a proper catch-up with her at all, instead, you want to enjoy your family time and to show your pride and joy to them.

I think mixing the two is where it's all gone wrong. If you are not prepared to make that going away a bit of both, then you shouldn't have mentioned going there and then joining you. You could have just said that you'd prefer to arrange a get together just as adults and leave your child behind.

@Heliachi exactly! How do people not read what they've written and see how utterly self centred it is? Talking about other people being selfish and having no empathy when they expect everyone else to work around their children at all times, as if other people have no responsibilities or restrictions of their own.

It's baffling.

You don't seem to understand how hotel breakfasts work @Rozziie. And if you have such disdain for people prioritising their children's needs, perhaps you should find a different forum? The clue is in the name after all.

Again, why post if you don't want to be told what the friend's perspective is? If you want to hear that your friend is awful and you're totally right, just vent to your partner??!

You're not the thread police!

I read the thread as OP posted since her friend called her difficult for saying 'sorry no, can't do a late breakfast the next day as well. Can do an early one only'

OP was trying to compromise- including on the hotel (for a lazy friend who didn't want to drive half hour!) but couldn't meet childfree friends expectations and was shocked at her friends rudeness back. That isn't an unreasonable 'AIBU?'

It's all in the original post

@Clymene

You don't seem to understand how hotel breakfasts work *@Rozziie*. And if you have such disdain for people prioritising their children's needs, perhaps you should find a different forum? The clue is in the name after all.

It's not disdain. It's trying to give the perspective of the childless friend. otherwise why even ask? Do people just love echo chambers?

Yes, OP, your friend is wrong, so selfish. You should probably tell her that to ensure you kill off what's left of the friendship.

Rozzie a Sunday lie-in isn't a responsibility or a restriction, it's just a 'want'. It's fine to have a 'want' but it doesn't trump anybody else's.

OP wants to do what suits her family, friend wants to do what suits hers. Those wants are incompatible as regards breakfast on the Sunday so OP suggest they sack that idea off. Then friend was rude.

[quote Rozziie]@Heliachi exactly! How do people not read what they've written and see how utterly self centred it is? Talking about other people being selfish and having no empathy when they expect everyone else to work around their children at all times, as if other people have no responsibilities or restrictions of their own.

It's baffling.[/quote]
Oh my goodness.
Projecting much?

OP is already spending the day with her friend the day before and simply can't do breakfast the next day unless it's early. OP was already going to compromise to stay in hotel friend wanted (as friends is too lazy to drive half hour !)

It's been all about friend wanting OP to fit around her and getting mean when OP said no can't do that third meet up. It's obvious where the selfish expectations are coming from. And it's not OP.

Such an obtuse post that wilfully misunderstands any of the practicalities.

@Rozziie you're determined to piss on OP. She is not going to kill a friendship when they are spending the whole day together the day before! Her friend said she was difficult because she couldn't do a breakfast at 10.30, which is pretty late for most people. She tried a compromise, but her friend is not considering the needs of the child, which do, usually, trump others needs as they are not independent beings who can look after themselves. Her friend has shown no understanding of this.

Here's another Mumsnet story that makes absolutely no sense whatsoever. I do not understand why someone has to stay in a hotel because they drove two hours. Obviously, the friend is a useless bitch. The right answer is: have lunch at nine one hour away from each of your houses. Or, hey, ten o'clock one hour away from both of your houses. Or, she can pick the time, 10:00, and come to where you are, so it's convenient for you. Or, she can get up at ten and have lunch with you. But none of those would work. Because the whole thing doesn't. Make. Sense.

I think 10.30 is fine to meet for breakfast. Feed your kid first then meet her for breakfast / brunch whatever you want to call it. It's really a non issue. She doesn't have kids so presumably doesn't want to get up at 8am on a Sunday (which is reasonable) you do have a child who wants to eat before 10.30 (also reasonable) so feed him first but meet up for breakfast later and he can have something small then too?

The world doesn't revolve around you and your child who needs to eat at 7am though sorry, she's perfectly reasonable to not want to eat at 7

Have breakfast as a family and meet them later for lunch?

@Odisia

I think you both sound like hard work. We have toddlers in the family and if we arrange a breakfast meet up it's always at around 10-1030. The toddler and other kids will have had something earlier to keep them going.

You seem very inflexible and she's being selfish re where you should stay.

You've got lots of reasons why you won't meet her for breakfast later so just tell her you're going home to pick up your cat.

@Odisia

Me and my toddler have been out lots of times at 10.30 before.

Yes, I can feed him early and then he can snack again at 10.30…. Not a problem…. but the issue with this occasion is, firstly I want to get home early…. but the other issues are, what I would do with my toddler for 4 hours (6.30-10.30) until my friend and her husband arrive.

At home there’s plenty of things to keep him occupied, and as I’ve said in my previous comments, if we stay in the cheaper hotel then there is a pool we can use…. But, that’s too far away for my friend.

@Couldhavebeenme3

Bloody hell.

If you're meeting them at the Safari park on Saturday, then out for 5pm tea, why not just drive all the way home after that? Ds can nod off in the car, dcat won't need to go to kitty hotel, you don't have to go to the expense of staying in a hotel, and there's no argument about breakfast/brunch.

You all might be sick of each other by teatime anyway!!

@Couldhavebeenme3

Cat will be going to the pet hotel regardless of if we stay over or not.
She’s 18 and I don’t like leaving her alone for that length of time.
My Mum would usually keep a check on her as she’s round the corner, but she’s away that week.

Just tell your friend breakfast isn’t going to work out this time. You need to get off home early. That’s it - no problem. Then book the cheaper hotel - enjoy an early breakfast and a swim if you can fit it in. If you run around trying to please your friend you will resent it. Reclaim your short break.

She is being unreasonable..it's hard enough trying to accommodate young children with their routines... she will have to have an early night!!!! It's a one off