Meeting for breakfast - Which of us is being unreasonable.

[Dandy008]

Im meeting a friend in a few weeks time who lives in a different part of the country to me.

We’ve arranged to have a day out.
It will be her and her husband, myself, my husband and our 18month old son.

As they live some distance, we have decided to book a hotel and stay over night.

My friend has asked me to book a hotel right by her house so that it’s less distance for her to travel to meet us the next day for breakfast.

I’ve agreed to this, even though we could get a cheaper hotel a bit further away.

We were chatting and she said she would come and meet us for breakfast at 10.30am

I explained that DS wakes around 6.30 and is ready for his breakfast at 7am.
I could probably distract him and at a big push take him down for breakfast at 8am

I also explained that it’s a 2 hour drive back home so Ideally we wanted to head home after an early breakfast.
There’s not much for DS to do in the hotel so once we’ve eaten it makes sense to leave.

She told me that 8am is too early for her and her husband (they don’t have kids) and that the best she can do is 10am.

I’ve suggested then that we skip breakfast and I will book a cheaper hotel a bit further away.

She’s since sent me a text telling me I’m being difficult and that my DS will be fine waiting for his breakfast until 10.30am for just one day.

I’m tempted to message back and say her and her husband will be fine having breakfast at 8am for just one day… 🙄

I don't understand PPs that keep suggesting OP meets up for a 3rd time that weekend for a brunch with her friend on Sunday late morning "to compromise"

She doesn't have time on Sunday to!! She has to drive 2 hours home and be home before 12.30 Sunday. Not later because she has cat at cattery to collect. It's not workable if friend doesn't want to get up before 10am before OP has to set off home. It's not rocket science people!!!

I'd put money on you not wanting to have breakfast with her after the Safari Park visit if she's being this difficult now about you having to fit around her schedule. She sounds fussier than a toddler.

@Dangermouse5 quit the patronising. I have read it, I just think OP is being unreasonable. If she doesn't want to meet her friend for breakfast, she should have said 'oh I can't, we're going really early in the morning, sorry' and that would be that instead of this weird passive aggressive rubbish which has the friend confused.

8am is too early to meet for a social breakfast with a friend, full stop. OP's friend has suggested meeting later, which most adults would find reasonable. OP doesn't want to do that, fine. So why not just say that instead of trying to get everyone to say her friend is unreasonable? The fact is their priorities just don't match up - that's it. The stuff about the cattery was introduced later and just smacks of trying to justify the need to go earlier. She doesn't need to justify it, though. If she's decided the todder/cat/whatever are the priority and can't be worked around, that's the answer.

I can't stand the entitled attitudes of most posters on this thread making digs at childless adults not understanding. How about people with kids trying to understand that the entire world doesn't revolve around their toddler? I have a few friends with kids who have not become self centred and they have no problems fitting in with social arrangements, even if that means having to adjust the kids's schedule a bit. If we met for brunch, they'd feed the kid earlier and then give them a snack or drink at brunch. If the kid is acting up or sick and they have to cancel, that's fine, nobody holds it against them. Everyone is doing their best to try to see each other.

The obvious jealousy and resentment on here towards people who chose not to have kids is quite hilarious, though.

OP will have to set off on Sunday for the 2 hour drive home at 10am or before (to allow for stops or traffic) to get home to get to cattery before latest collection time.

Staying longer to have "breakfast" at 10am or later- (meaning she'd still be 2 hours away at midday) to fit around friends wish for a lie in just isn't possible. It's a no brainier.

And there's no reason to as they'll have spent all day Saturday as well as lunch and evening meal together OP , her family snd friend and friends DH . She's hardly "not making time to see her friend"!

[quote Rozziie]@Dangermouse5 quit the patronising. I have read it, I just think OP is being unreasonable. If she doesn't want to meet her friend for breakfast, she should have said 'oh I can't, we're going really early in the morning, sorry' and that would be that instead of this weird passive aggressive rubbish which has the friend confused.

8am is too early to meet for a social breakfast with a friend, full stop. OP's friend has suggested meeting later, which most adults would find reasonable. OP doesn't want to do that, fine. So why not just say that instead of trying to get everyone to say her friend is unreasonable? The fact is their priorities just don't match up - that's it. The stuff about the cattery was introduced later and just smacks of trying to justify the need to go earlier. She doesn't need to justify it, though. If she's decided the todder/cat/whatever are the priority and can't be worked around, that's the answer.

I can't stand the entitled attitudes of most posters on this thread making digs at childless adults not understanding. How about people with kids trying to understand that the entire world doesn't revolve around their toddler? I have a few friends with kids who have not become self centred and they have no problems fitting in with social arrangements, even if that means having to adjust the kids's schedule a bit. If we met for brunch, they'd feed the kid earlier and then give them a snack or drink at brunch. If the kid is acting up or sick and they have to cancel, that's fine, nobody holds it against them. Everyone is doing their best to try to see each other.

The obvious jealousy and resentment on here towards people who chose not to have kids is quite hilarious, though.[/quote]
Oh my goodness.

The laws of physics and time are beyond you!!

She can't do it. She's told her friend she can't do it. It's nothing to do with any of the attitudes you are inventively shoehorning into this.

If you have a magical way of doing a 2 hour drive in less than half an hour to collect cat from cattery by deadline, please share with everyone...!!!

The simple fact is OP is seeing her friend all day Saturday.
She doesn't want to meet up for a late breakfast the next day ^^ and OP can't fit it in.

The OP is paying for breakfast at her hotel with her toddler. Do people expect her to pay for a second breakfast when her friend rocks up an hour or so later?

I think the easiest thing for you to do is book the cheaper hotel with pool and enjoy a relaxing morning on your own schedule, and tell her there’s been an issue with the cattery or at home / family member and you need to set off for home at 9/10 so you are going to skip meeting up for breakfast on Sunday but are really looking forward to seeing them at the safari park on Saturday.

It’s a break for you and not meant to be this stressful. Enjoy your prepaid breakfast and pool

Your friend is plain rude.

The breakfast does not suit you. End of.

Stay in the hotel that suits YOU.

I suspect Saturday will be more than enough of her.

YANBU.

@Dangermouse5 she told the friend she can't do it because of the toddler. As I've already said, she shoehorned the stuff about the cattery in later in an attempt to justify her decision. Do try to keep up.

Rozziie who said
If she doesn't want to meet her friend for breakfast, she should have said 'oh I can't, we're going really early in the morning, sorry' and that would be that

You haven't RTFT as OP did tell her friend she has to set off early on Sunday and couldn't do a late brunch/breakfast 3rd meet up as well on Sunday that weekend. And it was friend who then called her difficult for saying no. That's the passive aggressiveness there from friend! That's the point of OPs post - That friend didn't listen to her "no, sorry can't do that".

If you select the funnel icon at top and select just OPs posts in green, you'll see this and that's what everyone else is responding to. (Except those who didn't RTFT or even just OPs posts)

[quote Rozziie]@Dangermouse5 she told the friend she can't do it because of the toddler. As I've already said, she shoehorned the stuff about the cattery in later in an attempt to justify her decision. Do try to keep up.[/quote]

Are you OPs friend?

She told her friend she was setting off early morning Sunday to get back, right in the first post.

@Clymene

The OP is paying for breakfast at her hotel with her toddler. Do people expect her to pay for a second breakfast when her friend rocks up an hour or so later?

That's exactly what I would do. Many times I've met people for breakfast having already had something earlier. I don't expect everyone else to just fit in with what I want or need.

I really do wonder why people come here and ask questions when they don't actually want any answers that don't back up their opinion.

@Dangermouse5 right, so end of discussion, "sorry, can't do breakfast, we're off early in the morning."

Not that hard, is it? Instead of doing that, she came here and started a discussion about whether her friend was unreasonable to want to meet later, to which the answer is no.

@Dangermouse5

Rozziie who said If she doesn't want to meet her friend for breakfast, she should have said 'oh I can't, we're going really early in the morning, sorry' and that would be that

You haven't RTFT as OP did tell her friend she has to set off early on Sunday and couldn't do a late brunch/breakfast 3rd meet up as well on Sunday that weekend. And it was friend who then called her difficult for saying no. That's the passive aggressiveness there from friend! That's the point of OPs post - That friend didn't listen to her "no, sorry can't do that".

If you select the funnel icon at top and select just OPs posts in green, you'll see this and that's what everyone else is responding to. (Except those who didn't RTFT or even just OPs posts)

No, the friend called her difficult for saying she could only do pre-8am. She didn't say no to her friend. She gave her a very early time, while still giving the impression she was up for meeting. It's not her friend's fault that the OP lacks assertiveness and didn't just say no.

There's this theme of self centred ness from PPs showing.

To be a good friend OP doesn't have to make her life difficult and her DS miserable. She is already seeing friend all day on Saturday. She doesn't want to see her Sunday as well, since the timings don't match. That's not being "difficult" that's being honest and not letting adult friends wants override what is best for child (& my finances & cat), and what we need to do. OP knows her toddler and her own responsibilities . Friend doesn't.

If any of my childfree friends behaved like this over my saying ' sorry we can't do that' , I'd be concerned about their lack of consideration.

[quote Rozziie]@Dangermouse5 right, so end of discussion, "sorry, can't do breakfast, we're off early in the morning."

Not that hard, is it? Instead of doing that, she came here and started a discussion about whether her friend was unreasonable to want to meet later, to which the answer is no.[/quote]
Hallelujah

OP did say that. Friend was then difficult. OP said what she could and couldn't do.

She posted as friend didn't accept her no and called her difficult.

Where the OP went wrong here is giving a long and detailed explanation of why she couldn't meet later, which to someone who is keen to meet up, just seems like problems that can easily be solved.

OP didn't actually want to meet her friend for breakfast and should have just said she couldn't do it, full stop. Questions about whether her friend is unreasonable or not are irrelevant - they're not on the same page.

The things OP listed CAN easily be solved by someone who actually wants to spend time with their friend. Do you think nobody in the history of the universe has ever been able to meet a friend at 10.30am because of a toddler and a cat? This is the true source of the misunderstanding between the two women. OP doesn't really want to meet up in the morning, the friend does.

"No sorry, can't do it, we need to get away really early on the Sunday" - how hard is that?!

I don't understand why OP is getting any grief here. Of course an 18-month-old isn't going to wait 4 hours between waking up and eating breakfast!

I can see that 8am on a Sunday morning might be too early for a couple who don't have to get up, but then breakfast doesn't work. The requirements of the two couples aren't compatible so OP's suggestion that they skip the breakfast meeting is the sensible way forward.

Anyone who described a sensible solution as me being 'difficult' would get pretty short shrift. At that point, I would just say bluntly 'yeah, we're not doing that, we'll be on the road home by 10am'

Friends come and go. This friendship is hanging by a thread

@thing47

I don't understand why OP is getting any grief here. Of course an 18-month-old isn't going to wait 4 hours between waking up and eating breakfast!

I can see that 8am on a Sunday morning might be too early for a couple who don't have to get up, but then breakfast doesn't work. The requirements of the two couples aren't compatible so OP's suggestion that they skip the breakfast meeting is the sensible way forward.

Anyone who described a sensible solution as me being 'difficult' would get pretty short shrift. At that point, I would just say bluntly 'yeah, we're not doing that, we'll be on the road home by 10am'

But it does sound difficult for someone who wants to meet up and thinks their friend wants the same.

OP's friend isn't hearing 'sorry, I don't want to'. She is hearing 'you have to meet me by 8am because my toddler can't possibly eat later and I can't possibly feed him earlier and meet you later'.

"No sorry, can't do it, we need to get away really early on the Sunday" - how hard is that?!

Honestly this thread for PP that haven't RTFT or even OPs posts, is like banging your head against a brick wall

OP did say that !

Friend then texted her and called her "difficult" and tried to argue back

I wouldn't fancy paying an extra day for cattery for zero reason. Nor having two breakfasts.

I wouldn't fancy trying to entertain a toddler for 3 hours and negating the whole point of staying in hotel overnight to make our trip away nicer and more rested.

It's hard enough with a toddler without a childfree friend being a princess about her lie in. And trying to tell me how my toddler, husband and I should fit around her wants (because we don't matter )

I think a whole day on Saturday with a friend like this - who lacks empathy & hasn't realised the world doesn't revolve around her- would be plenty enough time and a long enough meet up.

Tbh I would bet money on friend being late for the Saturday morning meet up time for safari park. As she doesn't "get" young children's needs and is thoughtless about others.

go for the cheaper hotel,
if you are driving 2 hours the least they can do is drive half an hour if they want to meet you for coffee
however you want to leave anyway

say to her you will see how it goes!
no point committing

@Tiana4

"No sorry, can't do it, we need to get away really early on the Sunday" - how hard is that?!

Honestly this thread for PP that haven't RTFT or even OPs posts, is like banging your head against a brick wall

OP did say that !

Friend then texted her and called her "difficult" and tried to argue back

I wouldn't fancy paying an extra day for cattery for zero reason. Nor having two breakfasts.

I wouldn't fancy trying to entertain a toddler for 3 hours and negating the whole point of staying in hotel overnight to make our trip away nicer and more rested.

It's hard enough with a toddler without a childfree friend being a princess about her lie in. And trying to tell me how my toddler, husband and I should fit around her wants (because we don't matter )

I think a whole day on Saturday with a friend like this - who lacks empathy & hasn't realised the world doesn't revolve around her- would be plenty enough time and a long enough meet up.

Tbh I would bet money on friend being late for the Saturday morning meet up time for safari park. As she doesn't "get" young children's needs and is thoughtless about others.

Yes, the friend thought she was being difficult because of the way she worded it! How many bloody times do I need to say the same thing?

"I can't do X because of Y" just invites problem solving/solutions and attempts to compromise. If OP had just said "no, can't do breakfast, sorry", that would be it.

I guarantee the friend is complaining about how OP is the one who thinks the world revolves around her and her toddler.

This is a communication issue but since OP seems determined to think her friend is a selfish, childless monster with no consideration, fine.

Basically if you don't want to do something, say 'no'. Don't say 'I need to feed toddler before 8...' etc. That is NOT a no!