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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Meeting for breakfast - Which of us is being unreasonable.

989 replies

Dandy008 · 02/09/2021 13:17

Im meeting a friend in a few weeks time who lives in a different part of the country to me.

We’ve arranged to have a day out.
It will be her and her husband, myself, my husband and our 18month old son.

As they live some distance, we have decided to book a hotel and stay over night.

My friend has asked me to book a hotel right by her house so that it’s less distance for her to travel to meet us the next day for breakfast.

I’ve agreed to this, even though we could get a cheaper hotel a bit further away.

We were chatting and she said she would come and meet us for breakfast at 10.30am

I explained that DS wakes around 6.30 and is ready for his breakfast at 7am.
I could probably distract him and at a big push take him down for breakfast at 8am

I also explained that it’s a 2 hour drive back home so Ideally we wanted to head home after an early breakfast.
There’s not much for DS to do in the hotel so once we’ve eaten it makes sense to leave.

She told me that 8am is too early for her and her husband (they don’t have kids) and that the best she can do is 10am.

I’ve suggested then that we skip breakfast and I will book a cheaper hotel a bit further away.

She’s since sent me a text telling me I’m being difficult and that my DS will be fine waiting for his breakfast until 10.30am for just one day.

I’m tempted to message back and say her and her husband will be fine having breakfast at 8am for just one day… 🙄

OP posts:
RedrumMurder · 02/09/2021 17:21

Im sorry I haven’t read the whole thread, just your replies OP.

I would seriously reconsider this idea for breakfast.
If she can’t be a little understanding for breakfast time for your child, she’s certainly not going to be understanding of a full day out with a toddler and the hell that entails. She’ll probably be really pissed off with you all by the end of it, (other people’s kids are awful generally, especially when you are childless)

But you’re also being a bit spineless by booking a hotel that doesn’t suit your needs or budget, just to appease her for a breakfast.

You’re bother being ridiculous.

LimeRedBanana · 02/09/2021 17:22

[quote PegasusReturns]@Dandy008

Yes I’ve read your thread and no it’s not clear what you want other than to whinge about a friend. As another poster said: who has time for this shit?!

You don’t seem fussed about seeing her on the Sunday so don’t. But I don’t think she’s being unreasonable in suggesting breakfast at 10.[/quote]
She absolutely is being unreasonable to insist on it at that time, and to call the OP ‘unreasonable’, when the OP has been been the one making all the, sometimes more expensive, concessions.

SkepticalCat · 02/09/2021 17:22

You are not being unreasonable here.

She has invited herself along to your day out and now expects you to change your existing plans to suit her.

Marmite27 · 02/09/2021 17:23

If your friend goes to the nearer hotel all the time for breakfast, that means YOU don’t have to be guests to eat there either.

Stay at the cheaper hotel, have breakfast with your DC, go swimming, check out and drive to the closer hotel for brunch at 11am/11:30am before setting off home?

MargosKaftan · 02/09/2021 17:24

I dont think you'll look back and cringe at being precious.

I think you'll look back and wonder why you accommodated someone who treated your child as an accessory, not a human.

I look back now mine are well out of the toddler stage and wonder why I spent stressful weekend days letting my dcs fill up on snacks, to keep them going until a meal they wouldn't eat, just so adults who were very precious about their own routines wouldn't have to consider being flexible at all, just to have them tut about why an overtired /already full preschooler isn't nicely eating a meal quietly so you could catch up.

I look back on all those shitty Mondays after a routine went out of the window so normally good sleeping dcs stopped sleeping, and wonder why I made my dc and myself miserable to accommodate people who didn't care enough to flex even a little bit from their own routine for what is a short period of time when doing so would make my life dramatically easier.

SunflowersInTheShade · 02/09/2021 17:26

[quote Dandy008]@burnoutbabe

would she even be allowed in to have it anyway as a non hotel guest

Yes, this is why she has suggested this particular hotel. She goes regularly for breakfast.[/quote]
So what time does she go for breakfast there? Is breakfast open till after 10:30 and that's why she's thinking you're being difficult?

You could go later - give DS something else at 7 and pack and checkout and then all have breakfast with friend at 10:30.

It could work.

lockdownmadnessdotcom · 02/09/2021 17:28

@BoredZelda

8am is an ordinary breakfast time for most people, surely?

Not on a Sunday.

It is for me but I get up at the same time every day including weekends. Most people don't, and have a well-earned lie-in on a Sunday.

That's not the issue here. The issue is that the "friend" won't compromise and get her lazy bottom out of bed earlier than she usually does on a Sunday (although as I said much earlier down the thread she'll probably need to lie in after a day at a safari park with a toddler).

Although I have to say OP - where were you planning to get breakfast at 8am? Does the hotel cater for non-guests? Usually you'd be looking at brunch from about 9am at a cafe - I think?

SunflowersInTheShade · 02/09/2021 17:28

Or just tell her it doesn't work and have a nice swim instead. I can never relax before setting off anyway - so would probably have opted for the swim.

KihoBebiluPute · 02/09/2021 17:33

You're not being difficult but your needs for Sunday morning are incompatible with a leisurely brunch. Stop trying to accommodate her. Let her know that you'll be leaving the area and heading towards home and cat-collection at 10:30am on Sunday and would be delighted to spend any amount of time with her before then but will completely understand if that's too early for her to be up and about.

cookingisoverrated · 02/09/2021 17:33

So you're doing the travelling, paying extra to stay closer to her where there's nothing to do at her request, you have a little one, and she can't even be arsed to get out of bed to meet you at a convenient time in the morning for you?

Fuck her. Seriously. Fuck her.

Enjoying your safari park on Saturday, then have a nice breakfast somewhere you want to be on Sunday, then go out and do another family thing on the way home. She's not a friend.

MargosKaftan · 02/09/2021 17:34

Oh and it being a baby is a red herring - there are so many things in life that could happen that means you are no longer able to fit in with what your friends would prefer to do, you could take a new job with shifts, or lose a job and have less money. You could take on a caring responsibility for an elderly relative, or suffer from an illness/disability yourself that means you are limited to what you can do / what times you are available.

True friends will work round your limitations as much as possible. The sort of people who stick to their guns that its their way or nothing (without a good reason than "that's what I want) aren't really worth bothering with.

Your friend won't even consider compromises. Shes angry you are just saying it doesn't work for you so leave it. She wants you to fit in. She's not really bothered if her plan has a negative impact on you as long as she is happy. Bin her.

LimeRedBanana · 02/09/2021 17:35

@MargosKaftan

I dont think you'll look back and cringe at being precious.

I think you'll look back and wonder why you accommodated someone who treated your child as an accessory, not a human.

I look back now mine are well out of the toddler stage and wonder why I spent stressful weekend days letting my dcs fill up on snacks, to keep them going until a meal they wouldn't eat, just so adults who were very precious about their own routines wouldn't have to consider being flexible at all, just to have them tut about why an overtired /already full preschooler isn't nicely eating a meal quietly so you could catch up.

I look back on all those shitty Mondays after a routine went out of the window so normally good sleeping dcs stopped sleeping, and wonder why I made my dc and myself miserable to accommodate people who didn't care enough to flex even a little bit from their own routine for what is a short period of time when doing so would make my life dramatically easier.

Exactly this - the OP’s precious friend will more likely look back and cringe one day. Not the OP.
user1471439310 · 02/09/2021 17:41

I'm sorry it is easier for a adult to suck it up than a 18 month old. She doesn't have kids so she wants it her way, good stay home and eat breakfast at 10:30 or later. I would cancel with her and just do my family trip. You're not being unreasonable at all.

Davros · 02/09/2021 17:43

YANBU spend Saturday at the safari park with your friends. Stay in the cheaper hotel with the pool. Have dinner there, go home after hotel breakfast on Sunday morning. Collect old cat. Everyone gets a look in, no one is doing anything very inconvenient
(Then go to the Winchester!)

MargosKaftan · 02/09/2021 17:43

Oh and steady yourself - we have the Christmas meal time threads coming soon!!!

Lots of people unironically saying that posters are wrong not be flexible about their dcs meal times because they cant be flexible about what time they want to eat Christmas Dinner. (Generally, someone will want to serve Christmas Dinner at 3pm, and a relative will be on here wanting to serve it at a child's meal time, or within 2 hours... a sensible poster will suggest pushing it back to 5pm so Dinner for toddler, who can have a sandwich at lunchtime to make this work. Then there will be the trauma of the relatives who couldn't eat at 12:30/1pm complaining 5pm is far too late and they will be over hungry /have filled up on snacks.)

thevassal · 02/09/2021 17:44

I mean I can see both sides really - having breakfast at 8am on a Sunday sounds horrific - Sundays are for lie ins and late brunches. BUT I would never plan that activity with a friend I knew had an 18 month old!

Forget your friend and your child for a minute, what do YOU want to do? If your priority is getting home early, book the cheaper further away hotel and just enjoy the one day with your friend. If you want to see your friend the next day, settle for 10am and take food for your ds for when he wakes, then you have your main breakfast together.

Although I'm sceptical as to if she will actually arrive at 10 and not push it to at least quarter past tbh....!

She is BU by saying you are being difficult though!

CyclingIsNotOuting · 02/09/2021 17:45

She’s since sent me a text telling me I’m being difficult

Response: I’m sorry you feel that way.
Would you still like to meet up on Saturday?

End of conversation.

Lunificent · 02/09/2021 17:45

Have a grand breakfast at your hotel at 8 then just order a coffee while your ‘friend’ is having her breakfast. Or don’t go, because it does t sound as if it’s going to be much fun.

twinningatlife · 02/09/2021 17:57

2 hours drive is nothing...,,I wouldn't feel the need to book a hotel for this? Especially when 2 adults are going so can share the driving?

I have kids and I wouldn't expect to have someone get up/ready/out the house for breakfast at 8am on a weekend - for an 18 month old that lets be honest is hardly going to be tucking into the breakfast buffet?

FlamingoQueen · 02/09/2021 17:57

I would say that meeting your friend for breakfast is out of the question. Enjoy your day on Saturday, book a hotel that is good for you and then have breakfast at a time that is right for you. If your friend can’t make the effort for one morning, then she’s not a very good friend!
I completely understand you wanting to leave early the next day - you also have things to do on the Sunday. My sister (and young children) has actually left my house the evening before she was due to go, just to beat traffic.
If you meet your friend later on the Sunday morning you are effectively saying that their time is more valuable than yours.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 02/09/2021 17:57

If she's already calling you difficult, and making conditions about timing, I suspect that the Safari park day may be more than enough catching up time.
Book the hotel you want
Eat the breakfast you paid for
at the time that suits you

and if she still wants a meet up have a coffee or so whilst she has brunch. You don't have to eat the same things do you?

Quite right to prioritise your son. It's his outing too.

JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue · 02/09/2021 17:58

You will dislike your friend even more if you rearrange your Sunday plans (different hotel, eating breakfast late, driving home and picking up cat late) and then she changes her mind about meeting up, for example if you fall out or have strained conversation on the Saturday.

So I would stick with seeing them on Saturday, tell them that you cannot meet on Sunday because of other plans. You can lie about this as necessary, e.g. "the cattery won't let you pick up later". As you won't be meeting her on Sunday, you won't be staying in the hotel near her, so you can stay in the cheaper hotel further away.

Part on Saturday as friends, rather than lining yourself up for potentially losing a friendship on the Sunday.

anon12345anon · 02/09/2021 17:59

@cookingisoverrated

So you're doing the travelling, paying extra to stay closer to her where there's nothing to do at her request, you have a little one, and she can't even be arsed to get out of bed to meet you at a convenient time in the morning for you?

Fuck her. Seriously. Fuck her.

Enjoying your safari park on Saturday, then have a nice breakfast somewhere you want to be on Sunday, then go out and do another family thing on the way home. She's not a friend.

This Flowers
Cantsayusername · 02/09/2021 17:59

@DuckbilledSplatterPuff

If she's already calling you difficult, and making conditions about timing, I suspect that the Safari park day may be more than enough catching up time. Book the hotel you want Eat the breakfast you paid for at the time that suits you

and if she still wants a meet up have a coffee or so whilst she has brunch. You don't have to eat the same things do you?

Quite right to prioritise your son. It's his outing too.

This ^^ Perfectly said !
chesirecat99 · 02/09/2021 18:00

Take a step back, OP.

At least then we could take DS for his breakfast at his normal time, go for a swim, get ready and meet our friends at 10.30 and set off home at 11.30.

It is a bit much to ask someone to drive for an hour there and back just to see you for an hour, not for breakfast even. There were probably hoping for some adult time with you after the safari trip, which will be centred around your DS.

And I would imagine you would have thought someone was nuts if they suggested going out for breakfast at 8am on a Sunday before you had DC? With kindness, I can't believe that didn't occur to you when your friend came up with the suggestion Grin

You are both being as difficult as each other.

Also can’t remember the last time I had a leisurely breakfast and catch up 😂

Why not? Go for brunch after your DS has eaten breakfast so you aren't spending half the meal trying to feed a hungry toddler. Go during nap time if he is a morning napper. Go somewhere with a garden where he can run around away from diners and take it in turns to look after him.I appreciate that won't work this time if you have paid for breakfast.