Has anyone’s mum ever actually stolen their baby?

[Cabbagewhites]

Seen a few threads recently (and lots over the years!) where women fear their mums / MIL want to take over the parenting of their child.
On a thread recently a PP described the overbearing MIL as ‘sinister’.

Just got me wondering, how much of a genuine threat is this? Worst case scenario- how far does it ever actually go?

Has anyone ever been in or heard of a family where grandma did in fact actually succeed in taking over the role of mother, becoming primary care giver in child’s eyes?

(I mean in situations where parents are actively parenting and haven’t actually asked or encouraged GP to step in, and there’s no kinship fostering or anything like that.)

I don’t have children, I’m just curious!

[quote TimeIhadaNameChange]@Frankie20018 - how awful for you both! Glad you managed to rescue your DD eventually. How did she manage to change your DD's name?[/quote]
Thank you. She forged my signature on the deed poll. She's an awful person. Why these people want to treat their own daughters so badly I will never know

Jesus for a minute I thought the Prism was some kind of cult 😂

@WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld

I watched a documentary about reborn dolls a few years ago. They were looking at the stories of those who purchase reborn dolls I found one very disturbing and it has stayed with me. Single mother with a baby got a life threatening condition, cancer I think, so her mum stepped in to care for the baby. Lots of treatment and hospital stays and she made a full recovery. Later fell in love and was moving to be with the guy. Her mother was devastated and, it appeared, would rather her daughter had died so she could have the baby. The mother was having a reborn made to replace the grandchild who was back with his mum

Oh my god I remember this so clearly ! The Mum moved with her partner to NZ and the gran wanted her to leave her son behind in the U.K.

Yup. My MIL reported me to social services for breastfeeding. Tried to get my son removed from me so many times for no reason so she could have him.
She then helped her son (baby’s dad and ex partner) abduct our baby for 2 weeks and tried to flee the country with him.

It happens.

@Pallisers

I know someone who had a baby young but not terribly young - around 18 - with her boyfriend. She had younger siblings at home too. She stayed at home to go to college and her parents were really supportive - but supportive in a way that didn't prioritise the mother/child bond but their bond with their grandson so she was sidelined from the start. He stayed with them when she moved out and got married and I know it was a real tragedy in her life that she didn't get to rear her own son. She agreed to leave him because by then it seemed the right thing to do for her son.

One of the things I loved most about my mil was how she was more concerned about my bond with my baby than she was with hers. She came to stay immediately after the birth because I was so sick I needed help. Instead of taking over she would do things like make me breakfast or offer to watch him while he slept so I could go back to sleep or wait till I had finished the night feed and then appear and say "I can put him back to sleep for you if you'd like to go back to bed or sit with you if you'd prefer that" She constantly told me how great a mother I was.

These words about your mil and her actions are absolutely lovely, I hope to be like her one day

@bobbeebob

Strange question

Why d you ask? Writing a book?

Lol I wish! 😂 I’ve been failing to write my book for 10 years now! 😂

Not why I’m asking the question though, I just spend too much time on mumsnet.
Thanks @sneezybreezy.

I’m truly sorry and my heart goes out to all of you who have some personal experience of this I honestly did not expect anywhere near as many answers as this. I thought it was almost unheard of, but clearly I was wrong.

My mum told me I hadn't worked out and CD go bt to leave my daughter so she cd train her instead. Isn't that the most scary thing uve ever heard in yr entire life?

@Pallisers

I know someone who had a baby young but not terribly young - around 18 - with her boyfriend. She had younger siblings at home too. She stayed at home to go to college and her parents were really supportive - but supportive in a way that didn't prioritise the mother/child bond but their bond with their grandson so she was sidelined from the start. He stayed with them when she moved out and got married and I know it was a real tragedy in her life that she didn't get to rear her own son. She agreed to leave him because by then it seemed the right thing to do for her son.

One of the things I loved most about my mil was how she was more concerned about my bond with my baby than she was with hers. She came to stay immediately after the birth because I was so sick I needed help. Instead of taking over she would do things like make me breakfast or offer to watch him while he slept so I could go back to sleep or wait till I had finished the night feed and then appear and say "I can put him back to sleep for you if you'd like to go back to bed or sit with you if you'd prefer that" She constantly told me how great a mother I was.

I love the second part to this, your MIL sounds so lovely. This is exactly the sort of help that is actually helpful when you have a newborn.

@whynotwhatknot

How does this happen the gps arent on the birth certificate they have no PR how come the police cant just go round there and take the child back

My thoughts exactly.

Well done for recognising it was abusive and having the courage to break free. That shows what a strong and great mum you are.

Thank you so much! @itsgettingwierd

Yes! It can be very real, my very overbearing dm took advantage of my postnatal depression, left me in my flat sat with the curtains drawn in a terrible mental state and took my baby out all day everyday and kept her overnight. It has damaged my relationship with my daughter my depression overwhelmed me and I had no idea what it was, I missed health visitor appointments and no one checked up on me, I was trapped for years and years inside my own poor mental state, I looked to my mum for help, but she ridiculed me and told me I was unfit and as long as she had my child that was all she cared about, she's dead now and my relationship with my daughter is beyond repair no matter how I try, she sees my mum as a saint and me as her disaster mum. I will never forgive my mum and probably go to my grave with sorrow and regret of how things turned out. So yes it's a very real thing.

I worried about this with my mother - I had a DS, and my mum lost a DS (my brother) when I was a child. I thought I was being mean/unfair, but I mentioned it to my therapist and she basically said she wouldn't be surprised if my mum did want to 'steal' my son, given the circumstances.

That threw me a bit, I was expecting to be told I was doing her a disservice!!

@Immunetypegoblin

I worried about this with my mother - I had a DS, and my mum lost a DS (my brother) when I was a child. I thought I was being mean/unfair, but I mentioned it to my therapist and she basically said she wouldn't be surprised if my mum did want to 'steal' my son, given the circumstances.

That threw me a bit, I was expecting to be told I was doing her a disservice!!

That's an interesting thought actually. My mum would never have tried to take my son but she was incredibly close to him, much closer than with my youngest. I always thought it was because she was there when he was born but thinking back she had to have a late termination when she was younger and knew the baby was a boy and it broke her heart.

Strange how I never linked the two until I read your post.

@ellemac44 I'm so sorry this happened to you 💐 it's bloody awful. A terrible evil thing that should not happen. I hope you find some sort of peace. Have you ever tried to talk to your dd about what happened? Maybe her understanding your side may make things better between you both?

My friend had a baby girl when she was 16, and her mum ended up adopting her. Looking back now, I think she was gaslighting her - constantly telling her that she couldn't provide for the baby, wasn't loving her enough, wasn't feeding her right, wasn't doing anything right .. She was living in a flat and I spent quite a bit of time there to support her as she was on her own to start with, and it looked to me like she was doing a brilliant job. But her mum wore her down, and used her post natal depression to hit her while she was at her lowest.

14 years on and she doesn't see the girl, but has had two more children with her husband. Thankfully she's happy, but that mother behaved dreadfully.

My granny did that. As a result, my lifestyle habits match closely with granny’s. Also a big part of my personality closely matches with her. My mom and I disagree on many things and we are very different people. Granny never hated mom, they had their disagreements, but generally got along well. So there was no active brainwashing against my mom, she just simply took over. I was at granny’s all the time (she lived 5 min walk away )

@HeartsAndClubs

Back in the 50’s/60’s it was fairly common for the babies of unmarried mothers to be raised by the grandparents. It was a case of them raising them or the daughter being sent to a home for unmarried mothers to have the baby adopted.

This happened with my family in 1978. My mum got pregnant when she was 15 and was sent to a home for unmarried mothers. I was supposed to adopted, but my mum's grandparents stepped in and raised me until I was 9.

My mum tried, I was 16 when I had my eldest. My mum was very excited as she never had tiny babies as me and my brother were adopted.
She told me if I stayed at home my son would have to be my brother, I moved out and in with my biyfriend at 8 months pregnant. I thought all was OK and she had accepted that she was a grandmother and not mother but I found out when my ds was 6 months old she had registered him at a different doctors surgery as her child. We had a massive falling out over it and I refused to talk to her for months. I ended up getting married at 17 and having another baby and she soon backed off.
She now has 8 grandchildren with another on the way but she will openly admit ds1 is her favourite grandchild.

It was a really fucked up situation and I can't quite forgive her for. If I didn't leave home at 16 and married so young I would have had to ensure the awful marriage that I did. I blame her for that. I don't regret my children at all. But I wish I didn't have limited choice when I was so young.

That's so sad for your mum cricketmum it's strange how these links suddenly become apparent to us, isn't it? I've had a few realisations like that.

My daughter has decided to move away and has told me she no longer wants to have a relationship with me. When I broached the subject of what had happened she replied that it's easy for me to talk about someone who is now dead she won't hear anything said about her nan. My heart is shattered, I text my daughter to tell her I love her and I'm sorry and I'm here for her whenever she wants me, I do that every month, she reads it but doesn't reply, and if she does it's to tell me to leave her alone. I no longer know what else to do.

@Ozanj

It’s more likely to be parents stealing children of daughters, not pils, as daughters are more likely to overlook severe mh problems in their families. This is why women shouldn’t rush into giving their family the ‘keys’ in terms of childcare.

Are you a paternal MIL feeling you are not getting your “fair share”?

That's hardly stealing the grandchild is it?

Sadly it happens, my sisters MIL stole DD (my niece) and my sister didn’t see or get DD or get her back for 8 months! My sister let her MIL take DD out for the day. MIL refused to hand her back at the end of it. Police wouldn’t do anything and neither would anyone else. My sister had to go through the courts where MIL was told to hand DD back because it should never have got that far in the first place (sisters ex wasn’t in the picture so it wasn’t him pushing for custody).

@GeorgiaGirl52

I did. I took my grandson from my daughter and her partner and raised him for 18 years. She was a drug user and so was her bf. Both sets of grandparents supported them through the pregnancy and the first year (even bought them a house!). All we asked was they get clean and decide whether to get a job or go to uni (which we would have paid for). They decided to leave the baby with me for the weekend and disappear for four months. No contact with me or the baby. They then showed back up, demanded the baby back, kept him four days and returned him to me with a broken collarbone. Then they were gone again. I consulted with bf's parents and we agreed I should seek custody so I did and was granted full custody. I allowed them to visit with him in my home when they showed up if they were not drunk or high. BF moved away, got another girl pregnant and had another son and left them and moved away. My daughter finally got clean when her son was 13 years old. She has a job/career, goes to AA, and lives on our street. Her son and I welcomed her back and she is a daily part of our lives. No, he never called me Mother. I always told him he had parents who could not take care of him, but his grandmother could and did.

Wow you were all lovely GP

I knew a story like this. A boy was raised by his GP because his parents were drug users. Apparently when he was a baby he was left in the house for a couple of days alone and none of the neighbours heard anything don't know more about that in particular but I would assume he was drugged horrible situation

I knew a family where the dad worked away and only came back to visit every 6-8 weeks for a week at a time. They had 3 dc under 5. The mum died very suddenly and immediately her brother (the dc's uncle) claimed that the father had sexually abused the dd and he took custody of the children. There was a very long, drawn out investigation and the uncle made problems/accusations at every step to prevent reunification with the dc. The father was not from UK and had no family whereas the mother had many siblings and they all backed up what the uncle was saying.
Very long story short, the uncle kept the dc for 18 months before the father managed to get custody. I read the court verdict and it transpired that the uncle was an alcoholic and wanted the dc for monetary benefits. He had been leaving them at the house alone whilst he went to the pub etc. Because the family were so obstructive social services found it really difficult to get the full picture. Thankfully the dc gave been happily living with their DF for about 10 years now. Strangely the uncle didn't want contact with them after the benefits stopped!