Has anyone’s mum ever actually stolen their baby?

Cabbagewhites · 2021-09-01T17:34:51+00:00

Seen a few threads recently (and lots over the years!) where women fear their mums / MIL want to take over the parenting of their child. On a thread recently a PP described the overbearing MIL as ‘sinister’. Just got me wondering, how much of a genuine threat is this? Worst case scenario- how far does it ever actually go? Has anyone ever been in or heard of a family where grandma did in fact actually succeed in taking over the role of mother, becoming primary care giver in child’s eyes? (I mean in situations where parents are actively parenting and haven’t actually asked or encouraged GP to step in, and there’s no kinship fostering or anything like that.) I don’t have children, I’m just curious!

PepsiHoover · 01/09/2021 18:37

I vaguely remember once on a thread like this someone posted about monkeys who steal one another's children. Everytime I read about MIL and DM on here, I picture them as monkeys sitting in their tree with the baby.

13579db · 01/09/2021 18:40

My DM used to take my newborn out to do 'messages' in the prism and not tell me when she'd be back. Didn't answer her phone. Told me that she'd wished she never had kids. I could go on. It's a very real thing. A very real negative female to female assassin style behaviour. Jealousy versus ageing and how they've had their chance to birth and parent. But maybe they wish to do it differently witb via their grandchildren. Charming. So so intense and bizarre but definitely a thing. Beware.

13579db · 01/09/2021 18:41

In the PRAM not the prism 😬

LemonSwan · 01/09/2021 18:45

Yes I know of one when I was younger.

The mother was young (18) and was a recreational drug taker (weed and uppers on weekends away). She was at university and lived with her mother and shared the care to enable her to study.

The mother used the recreational drug taking against the daughter and refused her access to her son. This caused her a lot of despair and she went to a drug addicts anonymous group to try to prove to her mum she was resolving the issues. This resulted in her meeting an even worse crowd and she fell deeper into the drug taking where it became much more serious and habitual (smack). At that stage she couldnt care for her child.

I am not sure whether the grandmother had actual custody or whether the threat of taking the case to social services was enough for the mother to worry she would not win.

I am not sure how it all ended up being resolved but I did hear from a friend of a friend that she managed to get clean, move away and regain 'custody' of her child.

Apparently they are happy now and she has a partner/ child has a step dad.

plodalong12 · 01/09/2021 18:45

On a thread recently a PP described the overbearing MIL as ‘sinister’.

If it’s the thread I’m thinking of, that was me, and I said the scenario sounded sinister, not the MIL! (If it was someone else, please ignore this lol).

Somethingsnappy · 01/09/2021 18:49

Yes. Horribly, I do know someone who this has happened to, on the basis that the GM claimed her daughter wasn't fit to look after the baby, because of some learning difficulties on the mother's part. But previously to this, there had never been any concern from any of the authorities about her ability to look after the baby. The investigation is ongoing and its been nearly a year and the GM still has the baby. Awful

babouchette · 01/09/2021 18:50

Mare of Eastown did this!

sunshineandshowers21 · 01/09/2021 18:51

not a grandma but a grandad. a friend of my sister’s had a son when she was seventeen, and her dad gradually took over until he threw his daughter out and kept his grandson. he managed to convince the courts he was the primary care giver and he got full custody. the woman now barely sees her son who is now a teenager and still living with the grandad. she was a good mum but her dad was very controlling and overbearing and manipulated everyone into believing he was the right choice to raise the boy. i always feel sorry for her. she’s got two girls and her dad isn’t interested in them at all.

Original poster

Cabbagewhites · 01/09/2021 18:54

@Somethingsnappy

Yes. Horribly, I do know someone who this has happened to, on the basis that the GM claimed her daughter wasn't fit to look after the baby, because of some learning difficulties on the mother's part. But previously to this, there had never been any concern from any of the authorities about her ability to look after the baby. The investigation is ongoing and its been nearly a year and the GM still has the baby. Awful

Gosh how awful.

@plodalong12 Oh I’m not sure if it was you, it was the post about the batshit crazy in-laws having a baby shower without the mother to be!! Anyway sorry if I misquoted you!

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thistimelastweek · 01/09/2021 18:56

@babouchette you beat me to it. The stuff of fiction.

Normal case scenario is that evil granny undermines you with sweets and embarrassing tales of your own misspent youth.

Original poster

Cabbagewhites · 01/09/2021 18:56

@sunshineandshowers21

not a grandma but a grandad. a friend of my sister’s had a son when she was seventeen, and her dad gradually took over until he threw his daughter out and kept his grandson. he managed to convince the courts he was the primary care giver and he got full custody. the woman now barely sees her son who is now a teenager and still living with the grandad. she was a good mum but her dad was very controlling and overbearing and manipulated everyone into believing he was the right choice to raise the boy. i always feel sorry for her. she’s got two girls and her dad isn’t interested in them at all.

OP posts:

Original poster

Cabbagewhites · 01/09/2021 18:58

How about fully adult mothers though, without any particular vulnerabilities?

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lovemenomore · 01/09/2021 19:04

Yes.

I work in family court and we had a case recently that was exactly this. The young lady had a row with her then partner and he called his mother who said she'd have baby overnight whilst they sorted themselves out.

The gran then started a campaign of slander/contacting SS and had the baby for over a year.

Obvs I've changed some details.

purplecorkheart · 01/09/2021 19:06

My friend's Mom used to try it with my friend's daughter. When speaking to the little girl she would refer to herself as Mummy. Do you like Mummy's new top? Let's go to Mummy's house? Mummy's has bought you this large plastic toy.

HerRoyalRisesAgain · 01/09/2021 19:07

My mums second husband was raised by his grandparents, despite his mother being perfectly fit to raise him. She was 23, let him go for a sleepover at 7 months old to his grandparents house, they claimed she had abandoned him and raised him as their own. He was 14 before they told him the truth, up until then they'd just said his "sister" (mum) was suffering with mental problems.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 01/09/2021 19:13

My mother tried her hardest.

She called social services on me almost monthly. She called my health visitor with multiple concerns. She told absolutely everyone I was mentally ill. She had my abusive ex move into her house so it would up her chances of getting my kid. She cried to me more than once because I wasn't a junkie like her friends kids and she couldn't take my child. She even went as far as calling my doctor and then the police to tell them I was calling my son by the name of my son who had died a few years previously.

All the agencies she called did multiple checks and now ignore her calls (if she does still call, I have no idea) she just sticks to telling people I have various mental illnesses now and that's why I don't speak to her.

Its bloody scary, and for someone already in a dark place I could see how it could easily happen.

DontBeAHaterDear · 01/09/2021 19:13

I honestly think if I fucked off off the face of the earth and left my children (especially my eldest, my ex MIL would have been over the moon and immediately taken charge and raised them her way. Luckily that hasn’t happened because I don’t want my children brought up by a bigoted fucking idiot.

RandomMess · 01/09/2021 19:29

Actually I have 2 friends that lost their eldest DC to their Mums who were sneaky and devious.

Said they'd help out and then excuses excuses excuses why not to return the child. Both the Mums got the child rewarded back through the courts but when they tried to switch back the GM wouldn't work with them so the child was very distressed and of course wanted to stay with Disney grandparents.

Fl0w3ry · 01/09/2021 19:30

Yes. A family member manipulated away her grandchild from the child's parents by using bribery and allowing the child to do things that they weren't allowed to do at home and undermining the parents at every opportunity. It also started with sleepovers. The child ended up living with her.

Also an overbearing (ex) family friend took over her grandchilds life and made all of the big decisions for the child and decided where the child went and when. Parents were perfectly functioning adults, just extremely controlled.
The thing both of these women had in common was that they had narcissistic traits.

Whatinthelord · 01/09/2021 19:31

@13579db

In the PRAM not the prism 😬

Thought that was some kind of cult thing when you wrote prism.

HeartsAndClubs · 01/09/2021 19:37

Back in the 50’s/60’s it was fairly common for the babies of unmarried mothers to be raised by the grandparents. It was a case of them raising them or the daughter being sent to a home for unmarried mothers to have the baby adopted.

Rollercoaster512 · 01/09/2021 19:42

I read one on here not long ago with the MIL taking the baby to her house when the parents were asleep to give them ‘a break’ or something like that I could not believe what I was reading

queenrollo · 01/09/2021 19:42

My nan tried to steal me off my mother when I was small. They were all living together.
One of my Nan's own friends actually told my mother to get me out of the house and away from her.
She was an incredibly damaged woman and a devious and nasty narcissist.
We were eventually estranged from her and I met her when I was an adult and even at that point she just picked it right back up and started playing mind games about it all.
She had really unhealthy controlling relationships with my cousins who grew up around her, and I am so glad I dodged it.

queenrollo · 01/09/2021 19:44

i realise I didn't mention in my post that this was my father's mother. My mother's own mum was the most beautiful and caring person.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 01/09/2021 19:46

I did. I took my grandson from my daughter and her partner and raised him for 18 years. She was a drug user and so was her bf. Both sets of grandparents supported them through the pregnancy and the first year (even bought them a house!). All we asked was they get clean and decide whether to get a job or go to uni (which we would have paid for). They decided to leave the baby with me for the weekend and disappear for four months. No contact with me or the baby. They then showed back up, demanded the baby back, kept him four days and returned him to me with a broken collarbone. Then they were gone again.
I consulted with bf's parents and we agreed I should seek custody so I did and was granted full custody.
I allowed them to visit with him in my home when they showed up if they were not drunk or high. BF moved away, got another girl pregnant and had another son and left them and moved away.
My daughter finally got clean when her son was 13 years old. She has a job/career, goes to AA, and lives on our street. Her son and I welcomed her back and she is a daily part of our lives.
No, he never called me Mother. I always told him he had parents who could not take care of him, but his grandmother could and did.