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To ask my almost 17YO to pay board?
282

Icanflyhigh · 01/09/2021 07:57

DD is 17 end of October. She started an apprenticeship earlier in the summer and earns £14.5k per year.

Apart from buying herself lunch each day (which she doesn't HAVE to do as there is food available to take from home) she has no other outgoings.

I have asked her to contribute £50 per week to the household, for that, she will have all food provided, washing done, all the hot water she can use, lifts to wherever she wants, pretty much whenever she wants them, a lift to and from work each day (we don't live on a bus route) and other usual stuff.

Well she's made me feel like the worst mother in the world for asking.
I've explained that we've lost her child benefit now, and I'm expecting her dad to stop paying maintenance too (not that his £17 a week makes a huge difference to be fair) but our outgoings have remained the same or increased.

On top of that I've asked her to pay her own phone bill. She had a brand new iPhone X in July on the premise that she would pay the bill. We haven't had a penny yet, but its attached to our BT account so if we don't pay it, we screw up our own credit rating.

The board I have asked her for will be put straight towards her driving lessons. I've already bought her provisional driving licence and she has a car waiting for when she has passed her test.

So AIBU for asking?
What would you do if she decides not to pay it? TIA x

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EishetChayil · 01/09/2021 07:59

YANBU at all! A 17 year old on nearly 15k a year needs to pay some board - even just a nominal gesture. She can save the rest, which will put her in a very good position financially.

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KingdomScrolls · 01/09/2021 08:00

In these circumstances no you're not and I'm all for supporting young adult children at home, I don't believe the whole charge them rent as soon as they are working. Essentially you're asking her to pay her own phone bill and pay for her own driving lessons, that's really not unreasonable

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EishetChayil · 01/09/2021 08:00

And if she "decides" not to pay, she can also "decide" to rent a place of her own.

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KingdomScrolls · 01/09/2021 08:02

If she doesn't pay don't cook for her, don't allow her access to laundry detergent etc, no doubt anything for her, lifts, laundry etc, if she doesn't want to pay for her luxuries and recognise you are being very generous, she can pay for everything she needs.

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ASimpleLobsterHat · 01/09/2021 08:04

Yanbu, although I don’t know what I would do if she refuses. Can you at least confiscate the phone if she refuses to pay for that? Maybe stop giving her lifts/doing her washing/cooking her food - let her cope by herself if she doesn’t want to be a part of the household.

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MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 01/09/2021 08:05

If she decides not to pay it, then you take the phone back - it's yours, you are paying for it! And you sell the car you are planning to give her.
She can pay for her own driving lessons since she's earning 14.5k too. The money she contributes should really be used to cover the costs you incur feeding and ferrying around someone who has a full time job - petrol isn't free and your DD will not learn budgeting or financial responsibility if she doesn't have to manage her money. If she thinks life if free then as she gets older she will have no idea how to plan for paying rent/bills.
I'd also be encouraging her to save a portion of her wages in am account she can't easily access, for when she needs a deposit etc. But you cannot force that, since it is her money
But you can force fair contribution. She's getting a good deal - all food and travel lifts for £50 pw.

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ANameChangeAgain · 01/09/2021 08:06

It isn't a large contribution you are asking for, and whether you need it or not I think its irresponsible as a parent not to ask for a contribution. Once kids start to earn they need to be taught to be responsible with their money. I started to pay board at 16 when I did a YTS many moons ago. I paid my mother £10 per week out of the £35 I earned. I didn't realise at the time that this money was not needed for the household bills pot, but saved for me for when I needed it in the future.
If your DD refuses to pay, then the driving lessons don't happen and the lifts stop. Tell her she needs to budget for a taxi to and from work.

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Member869894 · 01/09/2021 08:06

Yanbu in the slightest

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FedNlanders · 01/09/2021 08:08

Yanbu. No more lofts for her then or washing etc.

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esloquehay · 01/09/2021 08:08

No, YANBU at all. You're, effectively, helping her save for her future as a driver, not milking her for profit. Bloody hell, without meaning to be rude, is she ordinarily this entitled/mardy about perfectly reasonable requests?!

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londonrach · 01/09/2021 08:12

Yanbu at all. I paid £100 per week once earning. It's so cheap living at home compared to renting God life lesson too x

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IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 01/09/2021 08:12

I think in your circumstances YANBU.

If she doesn't pay the board the car gets sold.

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icedcoffees · 01/09/2021 08:13

I think you've spoilt her too much - why are you paying for a brand new iPhone, a car and driving lessons when she's earning 15k a year?

If she wants those things, she can sort them and pay for them herself. She can contact instructors and book/pay for lessons. She can get herself a cheap phone if she can't get a contract and pay for it out of her salary.

She doesn't need a car at seventeen years old - she can have lessons and pay for a cheap runaround if she wants it.

And she should be paying rent ON TOP of those things. £200 a month for food, bills and rent is nothing. Don't make it cover driving lessons too. Mine cost almost £50 a week for a two hour lesson - it's not cheap.

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Aprilx · 01/09/2021 08:14

When I read the thread title I thought it was a bit mean, however I have changed my mind and think you are possibly spoiling her a bit.

I’d be inclined to stop the lifts, the driving lessons and the phone and let her organise and pay for these things herself.

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TheTeenageYears · 01/09/2021 08:18

YANBU. At that salary level she is earning 50% more than minimum wage for under 18's and a couple of thousand a year more than min wage for 18-20 year old's so the reality is she may never has as much income as she does now in relative terms. In these circumstances where you have had income reduced because she has left full time education it's not unreasonable for board to cover the shortfall. Yes there's an element of education to some apprenticeships but at that level (i.e. not degree level) there are apprenticeship's which are really in name only. If she isn't expecting to pay now when will she expect to pay? If you have bought the car and are paying for the driving lessons what are your plans for paying the £1k plus a year for insurance once she passes her test? Be careful about wrapping too many extra's into 'board', she needs to get experience in the costs of life which isn't neatly parcelled into one payment which in no way covers the costs of the individual elements.

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itsgettingwierd · 01/09/2021 08:24

She's taking home £1k a month and expects to live for free?!

She's pushing you and trying to play a guilt trip because she's loving the having the cash.

But she's working. With that come taking home a wage and paying your bills.

That's a rent each week towards food and bills, also she should be paying her own phone and also her own driving lessons.

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Notgoingonholiday · 01/09/2021 08:25

Why would the board go towards driving lessons? Surely she should pay for that too. My DD17 is at college full time, earns minimum wage part time waitressing and we expect her to contribute to her driving lessons. Your DD should be funding her lessons on that wage with no other outgoings! It might be a pain, but separate her phone bill from your account so you can stop paying if she 'decides' not to pay you board.

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sparepantsandtoothbrush · 01/09/2021 08:29

YABU but only in the sense that you'll use the money for her driving lessons! She needs to pay for her own lessons and she also needs to contribute to the household. £50 a week is so bloody cheap. Does she know how much it costs to run a house? Could you write down how much everything costs a month? Maybe she needs to see it in black and white

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Feelingoktoday · 01/09/2021 08:30

Mine pay 20% of basic pay. As soon as they got a “proper” job. Any overtime Or bonus is theirs. Driving lessons were funded via birthday/Christmas money saved for them from age 15.

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grey12 · 01/09/2021 08:32

How about she pays for her phone and her driving lessons and then helps pay for the car?

Personally I would only ask for board if I really needed it. Also I would tell her the importance of saving hard to help possibly save for a mortgage

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BunnytheFriendlyDragon · 01/09/2021 08:33

Why are you calling it "board" of its for driving lessons? Does she know this?

If you don't want a contribution to household expenses why not simply tell her she needs to pay for her own phone and driving lessons?

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Spaceman1 · 01/09/2021 08:34

£50 isn't much and it helps establish the idea that you don't just use your salary on fun things some has to go towards living expenses. You could save the money up for her in a separate account and give it back to her when she rents a place of her own for the first time.

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Bagelsandbrie · 01/09/2021 08:41

Yanbu. And she should pay for her own driving lessons separately.

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Crowsaregreat · 01/09/2021 08:42

Can she actually afford car insurance at 17 or will you stump up for that too? It's very expensive. That age group is most likely to be in a collision, which is why it's so expensive. Doing an apprenticeship will also put her in a higher cost band, I think.

I'd say £50 is fine, I'd get her to do her washing and pay her own phone and driving lessons though. Sit her down and do a budget of what she'd pay if she lived elsewhere, she'll soon realise she has a sweet deal.

It's one thing supporting your kids when they have no money, if money is tight for you then why shouldn't she contribute?

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Longdistance · 01/09/2021 08:51

I paid that much to my parents at that age. As soon as I got a part time job when at college I gave my parents £200 a month. I was about half of what I earned. I paid for my own driving lessons and when I passed I paid for my own car and then I paid for my own phone (brick in them days, no fancy iPhones).
As I worked in a supermarket I got discounts and helped buy food too. Did me good. I got in the property ladder.

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