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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

“Helpful” Mother in law

86 replies

ElsieDoo · 01/09/2021 07:46

We been living together for just over a year. Prior to that my husband lived on his own with his mum regularly visiting him (she lives abroad) for weeks on end. She would come over to do his cleaning, laundry etc and pretty much treated his house like her own.

Since the pandemic she has not been able to come over at all and we have managed to set up our own home and enjoy life just as our family.

Now however that the lockdown is over his mum is a regular visitor in our house! My husband just tells me that his mum will be coming over for a week or so on particular dates. I’m expected to just accept it as he wouldn’t dare to tell his mum that we want to spend time just as our own family.

The most irritating thing is that when she is over she completely takes over. She will not only try and do the cleaning her way but will go into our bedroom and move my things. My husband turns into a child when she is over refusing to help with any housework or childcare because “his mum will do it for him”

I feel like she is invading my personal space. I hate the fact that things are not done my way in my own home. I feel completely pushed out.

When I mention it to my husband he gets annoyed and says that he doesn’t see a problem with it, she is just trying to be helpful.

Am I being unreasonable or is it wrong for a guest in your own home to go up to your bedroom and start re arranging your clothes and doing your bed, and using your dish cloth to clean dirty trainers?

I feel that I should bite my tongue to keep the peace but every day of her being here makes me miserable to the point that I’m considering moving out with the kids!

OP posts:
womaninatightspot · 01/09/2021 07:53

Are they your kids or are they his too?

IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 01/09/2021 07:55

Have you told her to stop?

Theunamedcat · 01/09/2021 07:57

Ummm no why did you marry this manchild

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 01/09/2021 07:58

WTF did I just read?

ElsieDoo · 01/09/2021 07:58

1 child is his too. I have asked her nicely to leave everything to me as I just want her to enjoy her time with the grandkids but she doesn’t get the message. I also told her few times not to do anything as me and her son are more than capable to do it ourselves but she wouldn’t let him lift a finger!

OP posts:
Dunkindonuts8 · 01/09/2021 08:00

Hardly ever comment on threads but wow. No, YANBU. As is the usual mumsnet saying - you have a DH problem. I can think of nothing that would turn me off more than watching him be a manchild Confused

EnjoyingTheSilence · 01/09/2021 08:01

Stop saying it nicely. Tell her to get out of your room. Be rude and if your dh says anything let him know that an upset wife is far worse than an upset mum!!

WhoNeedsaManOfTheWorld · 01/09/2021 08:01

It won't get better.
I would give him one chance and then leave. Its pathetic, he has never grown up and his mum will be in charge
She is bad too, no respect that you are individuals

IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 01/09/2021 08:03

Ok you've tried nice. Now you'll have to be a bit more direct. "I've asked you to stay out the bedroom, why are you ignoring me?"

Summerrain123 · 01/09/2021 08:03

Are you living in his old place or a new one you bought or rent together?

If you moved in with him, she clearly still sees it as his space and she is used to that. If this is the case, you can either, try to establish firmer boundaries or move and create a new space which 'belongs' equally to you.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 01/09/2021 08:04

Tell her you don’t want her in your bedroom whatsoever. It’s your private space as a couple. If she doesn’t get it ask if she would like you to be the one cleaning and putting away all her knickers and bras and tena lady pads and HRT cream or whatever long list of potentially embarrassing items a women her age might need.

Don’t put up with your dishcloth being used unhygienically. Throw it away in front of her and explain your preferred cloth/sponge/brush system. She is welcome to expand the system (like adding a dishwashing brush if you don’t use one and it what she prefers) but she can’t go messing up your system and exposing the family to whatever nastiness lives on trainers.

Good luck OP. I would hate this too. I wouldn’t tolerate it and would also be considering leaving.

GintyMcGinty · 01/09/2021 08:04

My compromise with my MIL is to let her iron DH and the children's clothes and to tidy the kitchen after dinner.

That way she has useful things to do but isn't invading my personal space.

MiddleClassProblem · 01/09/2021 08:07

Did you not discuss this situation pre commitment?

In the last year you have moved in together and had a baby (and presumably got married without her around?🤷🏽‍♀️).

The dynamics have completely changed. You need to tell him that.

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 01/09/2021 08:08

Oh wow, yes this would really annoy me, how intrusive of her.
I think I would be saying to him in advance of the visit that you don’t want her interfering and whilst it would be better coming from him, if he’s too cowardly to explain this to her you will need to. Then I think I’d be polite but direct with her every time she did something that crossed a boundary e.g. I appreciate you trying to help but I would rather you didn’t go into our bedroom, thanks. And just keep repeating that more firmly until she gets the message.

WhyOhWhyOhWhyyyy · 01/09/2021 08:09

And as PPs have said maybe let her do a few things so she feels like she’s being helpful without trampling over your boundaries. Washing up or ironing or something.

IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 01/09/2021 08:13

As PP said, is there anything you don't mind her doing? Ironing? Vacuuming?

pianolessons1 · 01/09/2021 08:18

Oh dear, you married a child. Do you work, are you financially independent etc - get those ducks in a row then you need to let him know that this is serious and if he doesn't stand up for you he'll be entertaining Mummy on his own.

KidneyBeans · 01/09/2021 08:20

You moved in, got married and had a baby during a pandemic to a man who you knew had an overly dependent relationship on his mother and are now surprised at that relationship continuing?

It sounds like you don't know your husband very well. His mum is his priority. That won't change

BluebellsGreenbells · 01/09/2021 08:21

Are you still off work?

PermanentTemporary · 01/09/2021 08:23

Lock your bedroom.

pinkyredrose · 01/09/2021 08:23

Stop hinting and tell her directly. Why the hell doesn't your husband ask you when it's convenient for her to visit instead of dropping it on you?

I think it's time to move somewhere else, somewhere the Mil doesn't feel she has any 'claim' to.

Quickchangeartiste · 01/09/2021 08:25

The first problem is that they, DH & MIL are telling you she’s coming, not asking for your thoughts on the matter. That’s the point where I would be telling DH what I felt - yes she can come, but here are the boundaries, this is what happens if she ignores them…

Are you named on the house / mortgage/ tenancy? Is it truly your house too? If not, get that sorted.
I agree with others, your DH is spineless and I would be hearing for the door.

NoSquirrels · 01/09/2021 08:28

You need to stop ‘asking nicely’ a d ‘suggesting’ she spends time with the kids.

You need to say directly and clearly:

MIL, please don’t go into our bedroom.
MIL, that’s the dishcloth. Don’t use it on shoes, use this instead.
MIL, leave the laundry, please.

Have boundaries, assert them properly.

PumpkinPatch21 · 01/09/2021 08:33

Just tell her straight. "Please don't go into my bedroom and rearrange my things, your making me uncomfortable." "Please don't do that MIL there's no need too," and if she continues to ingore "MIL i told you your making me uncomfortable if you continue we will have to change so we come to visit you with the GC instead of you coming to us. This is our home, I'm not happy."

I'd also ask your husband how he'd feel if your parents turned up and started rearranging his items and underwear etc.

Youseethethingis · 01/09/2021 08:59

Stop asking and start telling.
Get out of my room. Stop touching my things. Throw out that dishcloth now that you have contaminated it with whatever came in on those trainers, that's disgusting.
She's not bothered about making you feel uncomfortable is she?
Your adult child is another issue. Does he participate fully in the family when his mummy is not around?