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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

“Helpful” Mother in law

86 replies

ElsieDoo · 01/09/2021 07:46

We been living together for just over a year. Prior to that my husband lived on his own with his mum regularly visiting him (she lives abroad) for weeks on end. She would come over to do his cleaning, laundry etc and pretty much treated his house like her own.

Since the pandemic she has not been able to come over at all and we have managed to set up our own home and enjoy life just as our family.

Now however that the lockdown is over his mum is a regular visitor in our house! My husband just tells me that his mum will be coming over for a week or so on particular dates. I’m expected to just accept it as he wouldn’t dare to tell his mum that we want to spend time just as our own family.

The most irritating thing is that when she is over she completely takes over. She will not only try and do the cleaning her way but will go into our bedroom and move my things. My husband turns into a child when she is over refusing to help with any housework or childcare because “his mum will do it for him”

I feel like she is invading my personal space. I hate the fact that things are not done my way in my own home. I feel completely pushed out.

When I mention it to my husband he gets annoyed and says that he doesn’t see a problem with it, she is just trying to be helpful.

Am I being unreasonable or is it wrong for a guest in your own home to go up to your bedroom and start re arranging your clothes and doing your bed, and using your dish cloth to clean dirty trainers?

I feel that I should bite my tongue to keep the peace but every day of her being here makes me miserable to the point that I’m considering moving out with the kids!

OP posts:
Rosscameasdoody · 01/09/2021 10:50

You say your husband previously lived on his own and his mother used to come over to visit. Are you still living in that house as a married couple, or have you set up home somewhere else ? If it’s still the same house, she’s had unlimited access before you got together, and she may be having trouble not recognising the difference. You need to be firm and point out that things are different now, this is your home and you want things done YOUR way, not hers. As for her going into your bedroom and meddling. Just no. If you need to, make the point by getting a lock on the door - simple to do with one of those interior door knobs that incorporate a lock in the middle.

You need to get DH on board with this - he’s gone from his mummy straight to a wife and family. He needs to recognise that his priorities are different and back you up in putting his mum straight - no need for unpleasantness at this stage, just an honest, grown up conversation about boundaries. You also need to set him straight that he can’t just accept his mum visiting whenever she pleases - it’s your home too. I realise it’s inevitable that she has to stay long enough to justify the journey, but he needs to check with you before agreeing to her coming to stay.

I’d venture to say that when she comes to stay, you should take a deep breath and count your blessings that she doesn’t live nearer. Oh and I agree with a pp that your DH needs to learn that an angry mum is one thing, but an angry wife is quite another !!

crystaltips98 · 01/09/2021 10:52

Why don't you give her the kitchen jobs and tell her bedrooms are off limits. She probably needs to feel useful however I would hate it if my mil went through my bedroom stuff.

Rosscameasdoody · 01/09/2021 10:54

@ImJustMum

Id purposely purchase some rather large sex toys and leave them lying around my bedroom, see if she wants to tidy up then!
This, definitely this !!🤣🤣🤣
RedToothBrush · 01/09/2021 11:01

My husband just tells me that his mum will be coming over for a week or so on particular dates. I’m expected to just accept it as he wouldn’t dare to tell his mum that we want to spend time just as our own family.

Tell your husband hes a wanker and grossly unfair and to grow a spine as this is not ok with you and he is putting his mother before you.

Its not a mother in law problem. Its a DH problem.

He's controlling you and dictating your life. This is a hill to die on.

Nanny0gg · 01/09/2021 11:04

Is this a cultural issue?

Hankunamatata · 01/09/2021 11:07

Lock on bedroom door and then let her crack on

DontBeAHaterDear · 01/09/2021 11:09

The MIL issue is annoying, absolutely but your partner is the biggest problem here. Absolutely move out with the actual kids and cut your losses with those overgrown man-baby. Or boot him out and let his mummy take care of him. Whatever. But get rid ASAP because this will not improve.

Freddiefox · 01/09/2021 11:16

So she’s been used to helping her son and grandchild and you want her to stop. But she’s happy with it, your dh is happy with it and presumably your sdc is happy with it.

You are the only one with a problem, you won’t change them, they are happy. Why should they change? This has been going on for years.

It wouldn’t be for me, and it sounds like it not for you. Rather than try to change them, change yourself and leave them.

TiredButDancing · 01/09/2021 11:17

I don't think it's necessary to insist she does nothing, but she absolutely needs to respect your boundaries and you need to tell her clearly and firmly what they are.

wizzywig · 01/09/2021 11:19

Any cultural issues at play here op?

Rosscameasdoody · 01/09/2021 11:20

@wizzywig

Any cultural issues at play here op?
I wondered that too.
DifferentHair · 01/09/2021 11:25

Time to stop being polite and asking nicely.

Decide what your boundaries are and assert them firmly. Expect that this will not be popular, but ride it out anyway.

If she feels uncomfortable- tough. No one in this situation has given any thought to your comfort, so stop protecting theirs.

I'd be taking DH to marriage counselling. He is still enmeshed with his DM and he needs to grow up and build an adult to adult relationship with her.

Elkey · 01/09/2021 11:32

You need to kick off. I'm afraid you'll need to be quite unpleasant and suffer some uncomfortable awkwardness. Being clever, compromising, explaining, asking how they'd feel if they were you etc. etc. will not work. You need to make it so that they'll comply rather than face the consequences of your wrath.

Currently, you're making it too easy for them to disregard you. You're trying to convince them that you're being treated unfairly and that this behaviour isn't normal, and I can see why, but it's not effective, so forget that and let them think you're unreasonable for a time while you force some proper boundaries by being very difficult.

Bellringer · 01/09/2021 11:34

Invite your mum when she is there

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 01/09/2021 11:40

@KidneyBeans

You moved in, got married and had a baby during a pandemic to a man who you knew had an overly dependent relationship on his mother and are now surprised at that relationship continuing?

It sounds like you don't know your husband very well. His mum is his priority. That won't change

This sounds quite harsh and extreme. Or would do, had I not seen this dynamic unfold far too many times not to recognise its truth. It's a harsh and extreme situation.

Your relationship is salvageable, but it will be very hard and will require a lot of work and pain on your behalf. Because you already know they won't change: mother and son are perfectly happy with their enmeshed dynamic and the one who will suffer at the brunt of it is you.

You can't change other people but you can change your own. It has to start with getting DH onside, otherwise it's a waste of effort. Rather than venting, give him a clear-cut set of objectives, ie. this behaviour makes me feel sidelined in my own home, frustrated, and hurt. Then give him expectations as to exactly what you will and will not tolerate. (I'm willing to let her make everyone a cup of tea or cook a meal; I'm not willing to have her gut my home and rearrange my bedroom).

You definitely need to read Susan Forward's brilliant book Toxic In-Laws. You'll recognise your MiL as the engulfer.

This book has been a game-changer for many people, including me. It provides brilliant non-defensive strategies for laying down healthy boundaries, without which unfortunately the ultimate result is likely to be NC with her, or the breakdown of your marriage.

Best of luck.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 01/09/2021 11:40

PS. Apologies for awful grammar. Small phone kept deleting words for some reason.

TheWeatherWitch · 01/09/2021 11:44

I’m going to repeat that classic mn line. ‘You don’t have a ‘mil’ problem, you have a DH problem’

Tell him next time he announces ‘’mil’ is visiting that you will be away. Then make plans and disappear for the week. Remind him that she (his mum) better be able to give blow jobs just as good as you as he seems far more attached to his mum than his partner.
Repeat until he gets the massage or until you decide to move out.

saraclara · 01/09/2021 11:48

If it was his house that you moved into, it's going to be hard to change her habits. So you need to be firm, but empathetic.

"Our bedroom is our personal space. Can you please not go in there? If you like to be busy, we can find you some things to do, but privacy is important to me."

Or as a pp said
You need to say directly and clearly:

MIL, please don’t go into our bedroom.
MIL, that’s the dishcloth. Don’t use it on shoes, use this instead.
MIL, leave the laundry, please.

Cam77 · 01/09/2021 11:54

Golden rule still applies here: Never mix relatives with work/business unless there’s really no other option. Looking after grandchildren is ok if they really want to do it but that’s it.

Let your husband know that you are happy for MIL to visit X number of times a year for total X amount of total time. But that’s the limit and it needs to be agreed months in advance. Your home your life your family. Be assertive.

fruitbrewhaha · 01/09/2021 12:16

Give her a list of what she can and cant do.

She can clean the windows, hoover, do the garden, cook etc

She CANNOT tidy your room, do your laundry etc

Then save up jobs for her, weeding, scrubbing the patio, tidying the shed and garage ,repotting plants, get her to batch cook for the freezer and clean out the kitchen cupboards. Give her the cloth she can use etc and then sit down for a cup of tea while she's busy.

Use it to your advantage.

starfishmummy · 01/09/2021 12:26

@fruitbrewhaha

Give her a list of what she can and cant do.

She can clean the windows, hoover, do the garden, cook etc

She CANNOT tidy your room, do your laundry etc

Then save up jobs for her, weeding, scrubbing the patio, tidying the shed and garage ,repotting plants, get her to batch cook for the freezer and clean out the kitchen cupboards. Give her the cloth she can use etc and then sit down for a cup of tea while she's busy.

Use it to your advantage.

Or "Mil, my to do list is on the table. You can do something off that list if you want to help"
saraclara · 01/09/2021 12:47

Does he still see it as 'his' home that you live in? I think it's very likely that she does. And the only person who can put her right is your DH.

He clearly thinks that it would be rude to do so, but he really does need to make it clear to her that it is now your home and you have your own way of doing things and your own right to personal space and privacy.

Failing that, you need to move so that it's clear that you and your DH are equals in its ownership.

How often does she/will she visit? And for how long each time?

Tabitha005 · 01/09/2021 12:55

My sister's ex-MIL used to do this, to the extent where sis would come home from work and not be able to find certain ingredients, spices etc in the kitchen when she went to cook dinner because her MIL had rearranged her cupboards, fridge etc. There was the now-famous 'egg-gate' when MIL insisted (to the point of shouting over my sister in her own kitchen) that, under NO circumstances, should eggs be unrefrigerated and simply left in a bowl on the counter. That whole situation resulted in divorce which, all things considered, was a double bonus for my sister in getting rid of an absolute dick of a MIL as well as an even bigger dick of a husband.

Personally, I'd cut your husband out of it entirely, as he doesn't sound like he'd be much help anyway, and politely explain to your MIL that it's your house, too, and you'd rather she didn't do any housework whilst she's there. If that doesn't work, next time you go 'round her house, take it upon yourself to start doing HER housework and see if she likes it.

Failing that, get some really huge and obvious sex toys and spread them all around your house in clear view. Maybe she'll think twice about cleaning any of those with a dishcloth! Say; 'Oh, sorry, would you mind giving those an extra-hard buff? They take a lot of pummelling'?

SeoultoSeoul · 01/09/2021 13:15

Babyiskickingmyribs Well, we will have to disagree, I think its far better to talk to her firmly and directly, telling her what is pissing you off, rather than resorting to making digs and passive aggressive remarks about medical devices or her age.
Nastiness met with nastiness solves nothing. Be the bigger person OP, stand up to her and your DH.

portocristo · 01/09/2021 13:35

Pile of ironing in front of the telly, cleaning the oven , wiping down skirting boards ,giving the bathrooms the once over , god I would love this my mum used to be like this till she got alzeimers, it was a massive help