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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

“Helpful” Mother in law

86 replies

ElsieDoo · 01/09/2021 07:46

We been living together for just over a year. Prior to that my husband lived on his own with his mum regularly visiting him (she lives abroad) for weeks on end. She would come over to do his cleaning, laundry etc and pretty much treated his house like her own.

Since the pandemic she has not been able to come over at all and we have managed to set up our own home and enjoy life just as our family.

Now however that the lockdown is over his mum is a regular visitor in our house! My husband just tells me that his mum will be coming over for a week or so on particular dates. I’m expected to just accept it as he wouldn’t dare to tell his mum that we want to spend time just as our own family.

The most irritating thing is that when she is over she completely takes over. She will not only try and do the cleaning her way but will go into our bedroom and move my things. My husband turns into a child when she is over refusing to help with any housework or childcare because “his mum will do it for him”

I feel like she is invading my personal space. I hate the fact that things are not done my way in my own home. I feel completely pushed out.

When I mention it to my husband he gets annoyed and says that he doesn’t see a problem with it, she is just trying to be helpful.

Am I being unreasonable or is it wrong for a guest in your own home to go up to your bedroom and start re arranging your clothes and doing your bed, and using your dish cloth to clean dirty trainers?

I feel that I should bite my tongue to keep the peace but every day of her being here makes me miserable to the point that I’m considering moving out with the kids!

OP posts:
seaandsandcastles · 01/09/2021 09:06

YANBU, but this won’t get better and you should have expected this.

If you’re going to let her stay put locks on any doors you don’t want her going into.

Personally, I wouldn’t be letting her stay; I’d put my foot down on that. I’d also insist on being consulted before she came.

RamblingJenny · 01/09/2021 09:07

I second what another poster said. You need to be clever about it as this is a situation you won’t win or be balanced out for a long time until your OH sees it for himself (which he clearly isn’t right now).
So the being clever part is making her think she’s in control and being very complimentary of her help afterwards. Treat her like a pet/child commenting on the positives not negatives.
‘If you could do the ironing today that would be great, you do it so nicely. And I will take care of the bedrooms’

Confronting does not work as these types honestly do not see their behaviour. Look up narcissistic personality behaviour types.
It will make your life hell to confront this each day because you will be constantly in this mad dance with her and yourself.

RamblingJenny · 01/09/2021 09:13

You also need to try and be clever with your OH, if he says ‘mums coming for this length of time’ then make sure you have to double check the diary because you think it clashes with something. Then make up that excuse afterwards. You can then try to shorten the beginning or end of her stay without becoming angry with your OH.
This way you will feel you have some element of control.
It’s exhausting at times but far better then being in a constant state of fight or flight with your OH and MIL...

ImJustMum · 01/09/2021 09:17

Id purposely purchase some rather large sex toys and leave them lying around my bedroom, see if she wants to tidy up then!

MatildaTheCat · 01/09/2021 09:17

Here’s another idea, how about trying to make friends with the woman? If she lives abroad of course she’s going to visit sometimes. Clearly she has a long history of coming to stay and sorting him out and hasn’t got used to the new set up yet.

Talk to her, explain you are quite private and don’t like anyone in your room but if she’d like to help then how about x, y or z? Pop a lock on your door before she comes ‘to keep dc away from my makeup/ straighteners’.

Enjoy her company.

At least try.

MumW · 01/09/2021 09:22

YANBU
How about "I really appreciate you help but, honestly, not needed - we are more than capable and I'd like you to have a rest. If you insist, then please don't do x, y & z and leave our bedroom which is strictly out of bounds for guests."

FangsForTheMemory · 01/09/2021 09:26

I would choose my battles here and the battle I’d choose would be the bedroom. Get a lock put in and keep it locked.

LittleBearPad · 01/09/2021 09:28

Your problem is your DH.

You won’t solve anything until he grows up.

SeoultoSeoul · 01/09/2021 09:48

Babyiskickingmyribs HRT and Tena pads? No need to resort to ageist sexist rudeness.

Mrgrinch · 01/09/2021 09:53

@KidneyBeans

You moved in, got married and had a baby during a pandemic to a man who you knew had an overly dependent relationship on his mother and are now surprised at that relationship continuing?

It sounds like you don't know your husband very well. His mum is his priority. That won't change

I'm sorry but I have to agree with this.

You will always come second to mummy with a man like this. You can either accept that it will never change (because it won't) or move on. Personally I'd leave, especially if he refuses to even discuss it.

SeoultoSeoul · 01/09/2021 09:57

OP she is trying to assert her dominance over you and mark her territory. It needs to stop.
Stop being afraid of her, I let my MIL get away with bullying for years, with the result that in the end I stopped seeing her at all and both she and the kids suffered because of that. Their relationship could have been so much better.
Now I realise that I should have found the courage to stand up to her and nipped it in the bud. Just tell her over and over "that doesn't work for me" when she says she is coming for a week and offer her a night instead. Tell her firmly that she isn't to go into your bedroom as that's your private space.
Tell her she is a guest and as such you don't want her to do any cleaning.
What's the worst that can happen if you stand up to her?

thisplaceisweird · 01/09/2021 10:01

Tell her straight when she does something you don't like.

I have a similar situation but now I make the most of it, give her a list of things that need doing, but be clear about how it needs to be done.

Explain what's off limits and what isn't.

Surely it's nice to have a rest from some housework/childcare?

LookItsMeAgain · 01/09/2021 10:04

Invite your own mum to stay when his mum isn't there.
Let her run riot over your DH's stuff.
See if he finds it intrusive.

Alternatively, tell your DH that every single time she comes over, you're going to leave, with the kids. Every time. Stay in a hotel or B&B or whatever, and put it on his credit card.

This is a make or break issue.

The fact that you've told him that you don't like it and he hasn't copped that you don't like it, he is completely disregarding your opinion and your feelings because it doesn't inconvenience him. Time to make it his issue.
Tell your MiL (don't ask, just tell her) that she is not to do his washing as he has to do it.
Tell your MiL that she is not to go into your room under any circumstances.
Tell your MiL that she is not to be doing whatever she has felt that she has been given the green light to do in your house up to now.

I would find it very unattractive in a man if he reverted to being a helpless boy when his mother shows up. Not something that you'd find sexy enough to be turned on by. The opposite in fact.

WithFlamingLocksOfAuburnHair · 01/09/2021 10:07

Similar to what a previous poster said, what's happening here is that it's easier for him to upset you and let you down than it is for him to do that to his mother. You need to change that, so that it is so unpleasant for him to behave this way that his priorities change and puts you first.

Oogachuckachopsy · 01/09/2021 10:11

I can’t think of anything more repellant than a man who turns into a lazy, spoilt child the minute his overbearing mother comes to town.

He stops caring for his one child? Are you fucking kidding me?!

How long have you been married if you’ve only lived together a year and have a child already. Is there something cultural at play here?

Either way, I would have to take him to one side and explain in no uncertain terms why this situation with his mother was going to stop. If he refused to accept that, I’d be gone.

PrincessNutella · 01/09/2021 10:15

If this issue is bad enough for you to want to leave, which it would be for me, you do not have to be unpleasant, you just need to be a brick wall. "I know you always cleaned your son's room in the past, Susan. But I do not like it, and it is my room, too. From now on, it is off limits." "From now on, we will be using these scrub brushes to wash the dishes because I prefer them. I know you like the other ones, but this is my house, and this is what I like." "I understand you think children should always wear sweaters in hot weather, but I don't, and Charles will be wearing short sleeved shirts on hot days." Etc. Your house, your rules.

Lou98 · 01/09/2021 10:18

@KidneyBeans

You moved in, got married and had a baby during a pandemic to a man who you knew had an overly dependent relationship on his mother and are now surprised at that relationship continuing?

It sounds like you don't know your husband very well. His mum is his priority. That won't change

I agree with this.

YANBU to be annoyed by this and it's not something I could put up with, however, you knew before moving in with him that that's the relationship he had with his mum. You see it all the time on here with people that are surprised that continues once they move in together.

He's always going to be like that with his mum as he sees nothing wrong with it, you'll need to talk to her yourself if you want it to change or consider leaving

Fairyliz · 01/09/2021 10:25

Oh god yet another mummy’s boy.
It won’t change it’s what he is used to. Just go.

Juno231 · 01/09/2021 10:28

I'm very confused about the timeline here. You're married, have a kid together yet you've only lived together for a year and are only just now getting to experience this mum/son dynamic? Sounds a bit fishy to me.

If true however... put your foot down. If your husband won't even entertain the idea to talk to you about something you're unhappy with because he'd rather keep his mummy happy than you then he's clearly shown his true colours. Question is do you put up with playing second fiddle or do you walk out and see if he comes to his senses?

CBroads · 01/09/2021 10:29

I don't know how people put up with this shit from their Partners, especially Mummy's boys, it's gag worthy. Tell her straight "this is my home, I like doing things a certain way and I would appreciate it if you left our things alone". If she doesn't take notice, your partner either needs to step up and tell her or you either end it with him or ban her from the house.

starfishmummy · 01/09/2021 10:31

I'd pick my battles carefully and start with the bedroom thing.

Then you need to have the conversation with your dh about her visits - I.e that he needs to discuss them with you before agreeing to her visits. Not because you are going to say "no" but because you need it to be convenient for the whole family.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 01/09/2021 10:36

@SeoultoSeoul
It doesn’t matter what exactly OP mentions as imagined private items her MIL wouldn’t want a DIL seeing/moving/tidying up. It could be her condoms and vibrators. Or her false teeth. Or her support stocking for her varicose veins. Or her anti anxiety medicine. The point is to touch a nerve and remind her we all have things we prefer to keep private, even from family members. It’s probably more upset if she mentions things she knows the MIL uses. So one way of getting round that is to guess. Obviously these items (expect the vibrator) are actually used based on medical need and not age.

FinallyHere · 01/09/2021 10:42

This is, as so often, a DH problem.

Pointless negotiating with MiL when your DH is happy for his mother to wait on him hand and foot. It's not impossible that he might expect you, or a daughter, to fill those shoes when his mother really cannot any more.

Decide what you will do about your DH's dinosaur attitude to women's work, and take it from there.

It would not work for me.

Nothing against cleaners at all, I am grateful to my cleaner, I pay well and am absolutely in charge of that relationship.

nokidshere · 01/09/2021 10:45

We been living together for just over a year. Prior to that my husband lived on his own with his mum regularly visiting him (she lives abroad) for weeks on end. She would come over to do his cleaning, laundry etc and pretty much treated his house like her own.

I think this was the point you should have been having reservations to be honest.

ChargingBuck · 01/09/2021 10:45

@ElsieDoo

1 child is his too. I have asked her nicely to leave everything to me as I just want her to enjoy her time with the grandkids but she doesn’t get the message. I also told her few times not to do anything as me and her son are more than capable to do it ourselves but she wouldn’t let him lift a finger!
A short, sharp "WTF are you doing in my bedroom" will sort it out OP. Then adjust as necessary "MiL, I told you to stop doing our housework, this is my home & I am asking you to respect my wishes" & stick to it no matter how she mitigates/argues/sulks.

Because your DH doesn't care how you feel about being invaded in your own home. He doesn't care that he & his mother are undermining you. He isn't putting your feelings first, so you have to do it yourself.

YANBU for feeling upset & angry at a man who allows his mother to invade your home, because he is 1) spineless & 2) likes having his housework down for him.

You are also going to have to tell him what you have told us: that you are at the end of your tether & ready to leave him over it. But you know you are going to have to mean that & follow through with it if you don't get immediate changes ... are you ready to do that yet?