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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

“Helpful” Mother in law

86 replies

ElsieDoo · 01/09/2021 07:46

We been living together for just over a year. Prior to that my husband lived on his own with his mum regularly visiting him (she lives abroad) for weeks on end. She would come over to do his cleaning, laundry etc and pretty much treated his house like her own.

Since the pandemic she has not been able to come over at all and we have managed to set up our own home and enjoy life just as our family.

Now however that the lockdown is over his mum is a regular visitor in our house! My husband just tells me that his mum will be coming over for a week or so on particular dates. I’m expected to just accept it as he wouldn’t dare to tell his mum that we want to spend time just as our own family.

The most irritating thing is that when she is over she completely takes over. She will not only try and do the cleaning her way but will go into our bedroom and move my things. My husband turns into a child when she is over refusing to help with any housework or childcare because “his mum will do it for him”

I feel like she is invading my personal space. I hate the fact that things are not done my way in my own home. I feel completely pushed out.

When I mention it to my husband he gets annoyed and says that he doesn’t see a problem with it, she is just trying to be helpful.

Am I being unreasonable or is it wrong for a guest in your own home to go up to your bedroom and start re arranging your clothes and doing your bed, and using your dish cloth to clean dirty trainers?

I feel that I should bite my tongue to keep the peace but every day of her being here makes me miserable to the point that I’m considering moving out with the kids!

OP posts:
RamblingJenny · 01/09/2021 14:17

@portocristo Personally there is a marked difference that it was your mum doing it and therefore you were more relaxed about it. I can bet that out of anyone you know the person you would be be most comfortable with finding in your bedroom would be your own mother.

portocristo · 01/09/2021 14:21

Fair point

2bazookas · 01/09/2021 14:45

Of course she knows she's overstepping the mark.

So it won't be any kind of a shock when you tell her so in words of one syllable.

FooFighter99 · 01/09/2021 14:51

Well what did you expect? You married a man-child

Outfoxedbyrabbits · 01/09/2021 15:22

When I mention it to my husband he gets annoyed and says that he doesn’t see a problem with it, she is just trying to be helpful.

I would tell your husband: "Actually, YOU do not get to decide whether I have a problem with something. There may not be a problem for YOU, but there IS a problem for ME. Similarly, your mother does not get to decide whether doing something is helpful FOR ME, I get to decide that. I have a problem with you announcing that a guest is coming to my home without even asking me first. I have a problem with you regressing to a childlike state whenever your mother is here, you are an adult and you should be acting like one. I have a problem with your mother entering my bedroom and interfering with my belongings. We are a married couple. This is our home. You cannot live here in our marital home with me, your wife, AND live with your mummy. It is an either/or choice, you cannot have both. You seem more concerned about upsetting your mother than about me, your wife, being upset. I have had enough. I feel like she is invading my personal space. I hate the fact that things are not done my way in my own home. I feel completely pushed out. I feel that I should bite my tongue to keep the peace but every day of her being here makes me miserable to the point that I’m considering moving out with the kids!"

Then see what he says.

sandragreen · 01/09/2021 15:33

YANBU but as is often identified, you have a DH problem. He has to be more scared of upsetting you than of upsetting his mum.

KILNAMATRA · 01/09/2021 15:34

Is it an intercultural marriage? Relationship? My friend married an Indian gentleman and her MIL is more respectful but along the same vein.. she was well aware beforehand and has enough space to deal with it.. can you play to her strengths a bit? Like if you say to her “I’ll tidy my own room snd I prefer to do our own laundry but your such an excellent cook… “

CattyMcNips · 01/09/2021 18:23

Every time she comes over leave a massive dildo and a gimp mask out in your bedroom.

opinionminion · 01/09/2021 19:00

Um ... im sure

opinionminion · 01/09/2021 19:11

Arrrgh sent too soon ! I had MiL like this ! I think in her eyes she does think she is being just that; helpful !!! However, she isn't a guest - she is a family member and I think I would suck it up - try to embrace her 'helpfulness' ... at least you have a date when she will be leaving !
My exDH saw nothing wrong in telling me - usually the night before that she would be staying the weekend - it is that what annoyed me ! Lack of communication !!! Go out with your children a bit more so that mum and son have time together but don't make it cause a rift.
Just my view/ experience that's all .

tempchecked · 01/09/2021 19:12

I don't think the situation will change as long as DH is ok with it as it is.

The MIL and DH will probably gang up on you and gaslight you anyway.

Unless the DH supports his DW, there will be no change at all, so OP might need to make some plans of her own.

I'm also guessing MIL is the archetypal matriarch in her own country, serving penis portions to her boy(s) along with looking after their every need. They are both used to this arrangement and enjoy it. When MIL is not there DH has OP to step in.

I could only lay my cards on the table ONCE, then I'd be gone. But son would probably like his mother to replace his wife anyway. It is no way to live IMO.

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