Shattering family secret

[Purplegrape23]

I suppose this doesn’t fit the aibu category and I don’t really even know what I want from this. Just that it’s shaken me so much.

My parents have been married for over 30 years. I am born and raised in the U.K. but my parents are from a different country & another religion. Please don’t ask which country/religion / culture etc as it’s outing. I have a partner who is not part of that religion/ culture and it was a big deal to the point my family stopped all contact with me for 5 years but as my siblings got older we reconnected, as did my mum. My dad however has refused to
See & talk to me. It hurt to begin with but I’ve never had an amazing relationship with him, I was just so happy to have siblings/mum in my life.

I was recently told a secret by my sister. Something she had witnessed almost 10 years ago. My dad had an affair with the maid when they went on holiday to their home country. My sister told my mum and it sounds like my mum confronted him (and believes sister) but they stayed together ( & my mum kept the maid on for the duration of their stay)- despite dad continuing to do this with others- looks like he is a serial cheater & has bought this maid items for her home and has tried it on with my mums friend (caught by my sister) but friend was not impressed and rejected his advances.

So I am struggling. Quite badly actually. I know I haven’t had any contact with him for years and part of me has been angry at him for shunning me the way he has but this is another level. He claims to not want to talk to me on religions grounds- claiming that what I did and the way I live my life (not very different to his Life) is ‘ wrong’ and yet he has extra marital Affairs. Any chance of reconciliation which I had previously hoped for has now made me not want it- desperately hope he doesn’t change his mind and continues to shun me so I don’t have to face seeing him ever again.

As far as I know, My mum has forgiven and accepted it- I know it is her choice but what the fuck? Seriously who can be ok with the maid after finding out. I would’ve kicked them both out. I accept it’s my mums decision to stay with/leave my dad but I also know from my sister this has hurt her tremendously. It’s also heavily taboo to divorce in my culture. I wish she would though bcos I have a feeling he has been doing this their entire marriage.

The awful awful realisation my dad is one of those ‘me too’ creeps. He tried it on with my mums friend when she came over and said friend rejected /was confused by his actions. Again, this was witnessed by my sister.

My sister said shes had to live with this awful secret for years, only my parents and her knew and I can’t imagine the burden on her. I know it has impacted her trust/ view on relationships.

And lastly this has shattered the happy example of a marriage my parents had as well as the few good memories I have of my dad. It has also made me question things/ I feel angry and can’t /don’t want to tell anyone, at least not yet but just need to get my thoughts down and have the incredibly supportive mumsnet help me through this.

Should my sister and I tell my mum that I know and support her? My sister has said my mum doesn’t want anyone to know, including me. My sister has said she has since confronted my dad and he just gets angry and stays quiet and has never denied it. My mum just tells her ‘he’s still your dad’. I have questions and would like to know more- like if he has done this before. Certain things make sense now- like my mum not wanting to put houses etc in his name and has put them in myself & sisters name bcos she doesn’t trust dad. I used to think it was bcos he would give them to his family etc

I have just had a baby and I have a feeling my dad will want a relationship with her. Mum calls me often and dad will always say hi to her or call to her. After this- they way he has hurt my mum & is such a hypocrite sleazeball, I feel like this is the last straw and I should say no.

Should I confront him? What would that gain? Support for my mum, maybe he will think twice before he does anything again. But then that really isn’t my place is it- unless my mum wants that support? I just don’t know.

Sorry this is so long, I’m sure there is more but I can’t think straight. Have any of you been in this situation & if so, what did you do/how did you feel?

Advice very welcome.

I would have nothing to do with him and certainly not allow him a relationship with my child

I would keep your distance from your father. He sounds toxic. Please continue to have your family in your life but keep him at length.

So your dad wants nothing to do with you but expects to have a relationship with your daughter? That would be a definite no from me. Even before all the affair business, if he can't be civil with you (and has no justifiable reason for not speaking to you) there's not a chance I would be allowing him to have anything to do with my child.

Chances are with the maid it wasn’t an affair but abuse or a paid arrangement.

@Tooembarrassingtomention I know, this has crossed my mind. That is what makes it extra sick for me. That this is a possibility but from what my sister has said it sounded mutual from both sides. But there is a chance he made advances she felt stuck or needed certain things out of it (to make her life easier).

This man is my dad and I hate that.

My partner is my best friend and yet I can’t bring myself to tell them this.

He sounds like a manipulate and hypocritical arse. He cuts you off for religious reasons, but its okay for him as the man to take advantage of (?) the family maid.
Your DD is never going to have to meet your dad, so whist I would make sure calls are on hands free so that you can hear both sides of the conversation, I wouldn't necessarily say that he isn't allowed to speak to her on the phone. I would imagine if he can't say hello, then your mother might be pressured into reducing or cutting contact again, which would be worse for your DD and your mother long term.

[quote Purplegrape23]@Tooembarrassingtomention I know, this has crossed my mind. That is what makes it extra sick for me. That this is a possibility but from what my sister has said it sounded mutual from both sides. But there is a chance he made advances she felt stuck or needed certain things out of it (to make her life easier).

This man is my dad and I hate that.

My partner is my best friend and yet I can’t bring myself to tell them this.[/quote]
rich western man with maid is never going to be mutual is it?

I can't imagine any mother having no contact with their child, for over 5yrs, because her daughter married someone outside their religion!!!
To me, this is very short sighted and frankly harking back to attitudes 100yrs ago! Maybe they don't agree, but to have no contact!!!

Sorry, but your father sounds awful and I wouldnt allow any contact with your daughter, but for me, rejection from my own mother like that would be worse!

@Mooloolabababy

So your dad wants nothing to do with you but expects to have a relationship with your daughter? That would be a definite no from me. Even before all the affair business, if he can't be civil with you (and has no justifiable reason for not speaking to you) there's not a chance I would be allowing him to have anything to do with my child.

This.

My mum is like this. She cheated on my dad a lot, whilst sanctimoniously judging everyone else’s behaviour. It culminated in her sleeping with my then DH.

My dad is still with her. He loves her but I find the whole situation infuriating and needed serious counselling to come to terms with my own anger and hurt.

This is a lot to process for everyone. It might be that his actions have helped your mother assert her own will, hence contact with you. It sounds like you’re in the anger part of adjustment, so I would suggest probably best not to take any action right now. I wouldn’t let him develop a relationship with my child - not because of the affair per se but because he has been so disingenuous about his own morality in order to assert control and I wouldn’t want that near my child. I would probably not say anything to your mother, I think it would hurt her to know you know and she would feel humiliation or shame, but I think you can support her by helping her figure out a more independent life. She likely admires the strength you have shown in pursuing your own life and that will be a huge help to her.

@Rachie1973 oh gosh, I am so sorry. I can’t even begin to imagine what that must have been like and counselling sounds like the best thing to do in that situation. I think I might consider it too

@Sittingonabench, thank you. I found this really helpful and will reflect on your advice

If its healthier for you to not have a relationship with your dad then don't. Religious piety is hideous. My Nana wasn't told my maternal grandparents had a "mixed Religious marriage (Catholic and protestant" till years after my parents married. My Nana would have objected to the marriage had she known at the time. The name and type of religion may change but the segregation seems to cling on and cause pain. As for your parents marriage, I wouldn't interfere. Be there and support your mum. She's made the decision to stay and that needs to be respected. Counselling would probably be a healthy way to deal with it all, but talking to your partner world also make a big difference to the stress you're under.

You're nc with your father anyway - just keep it that way. Since he has cut you off it's unlikely that he'll suddenly want to have a relationship with your baby .

There isn't any point in confronting him about the facts you've just found out - it might be news to you but obviously your mother and sister know and have dealt with it in their own way. Confronting him would only upset your mother and it wouldn't solve anything. Just be supportive of her and stay out of their relationship.

Don't bother speaking to your dad. You will be made to be the bad guy, he will despise you even further for calling him out on his behaviour. There's no way he's going to stop doing what he is if you speak to him about it. Horrible situation to be in. Keep you dd away, get therapy sessions for your sister, just enjoy life with your mum and siblings.

I think that you will just have to accept that this has happened,, as there is nothing you can do about all these issues, You have been badly let down by your Fathers behaviour, and to now learn more shocking facts about him. Your parents are still together, and your Mother has decided to go along, and cope with her marriage situation, for her own reasons, in which case she probably does not need any support, as she knows what she is capable of, and hasn't fallen apart after all the wrong doings of your Father.

You may not now wan't any relationship with your Father, but you seriously should not dwell on all his issues forever and a day, as you can't change things, and you will only be causing stress and anger to yourself.

You need to separate your father's sheer assholiness from your mother's apparent acceptance of it.

There's no excuse for him and I'd have absolutely nothing to do with him nor would allow him within 100 miles of my child(ren) or my spouse. For me, he would simply no longer exist. If the time ever came that he tried to force himself into my life, then I'd tell him what I thought of him and to never contact me again. But until then I'd save my breath to cool my porridge. He isn't going to change and he isn't going to listen to a word you have to say.

As far as your mother, it is her decision as to how she will live her life. If she's stayed with him she must have what she feels are good reasons to do so, even if you or I would disagree. It could be that she feels divorce is a 'sin' or a social disgrace. It could be that she is financially completely dependent on him or perhaps wants to maintain a certain lifestyle. Again, her choice. You don't have to actually support her choice 'out loud', just continue to love her and keep her in your life. If the time comes that she actually speaks to you about her marriage, that will be the time to voice your opinions and ask your questions. Until then, let her live in peace.

Since your sister apparently told you all this in confidence, don't break that confidence. The time may come when your mother needs you and your sister to be strong for her, together.

I think counseling would be a good idea. And confiding in your husband, as long as you are sure he will keep your (and your sister's) confidence and not confront either of your parents.

You need to remember that it is entirely your choice as to whether or not your dad has a relationship with your children. He doesn't get a vote.

rich western man with maid is never going to be mutual is it?

I think you’d be surprised.

In terms of shattering family secrets this is on the mild side. Your father has likely always been a cheater. I imagine his tendencies are well known within your parents' social circle. For her own reasons, your mother has chosen to put up with it and that is her choice. You are very naive to think a stern talking to from you will do any good. I do think cheaters can reform but it's rare and your father has absolutely no intention of reforming. Stay out of it is my advice. You have your own life to lead.

Honestly, I'd just continue things as they are. No need for any confrontation or decision making. He has shunned you and unless he personally reached out I wouldn't entertain the thought of any kind of conversation.
To me, the cheating is neither here nor there. Your mum has accepted it even knowing the impact it has had on the sister that knows about it. I'm sure you want to 'show' her support but remember she's shunned you once, nothing to say she won't do it again if she doesn't want to discuss this aspect of her life. Consider what you are risking if you don't keep the status quo and decide then whether to speak to your mother about it

Don’t let your father bypass you and your partner (whom he also presumably shuns) to have a relationship with your DC. He doesn’t get the privilege of interacting with your baby if he behaves so despicably towards you. Someone who is capable of disowning his own daughter is not the sort of person you want in your child’s life.

My circumstances are not the same, but my father was also a serial cheater. You will gain nothing from involving yourself in any of this. Don’t confront anyone. No good will come of it. It’s very difficult to look back at happy memories of your father, and equate those with the deeply flawed man you have discovered him to be. It’s almost like grieving when you remember happy times, and have to acknowledge that’s all in the past. I feel so sad thinking of the father I knew as a child. I struggle to accept that that man is the same man who went on to treat my mother and me so badly. My father also didn’t speak to me for a period of about six years.

I have no contact with my father now. I made the mistake of allowing him to build a relationship with my children, before his behaviour led me to cut him off. Please think very carefully before letting your father interact with your child. My father is now in the process of trying to get access to my children via the courts, and while I don’t think he will succeed, it is a deeply upsetting and horribly expensive business.

Focus on the positives in your life, particularly your partner and new baby. I’m sorry you’re going through this; you have my sympathy. There is a deep sadness which runs through people rejected by a parent. Don’t open yourself up to further hurt at the hands of this man (for either yourself or your DC) by any future engagement. He has made the decision to have no relationship with you, and while this is unkind and disgraceful, it allows you to avoid further damage. Protect yourself and your child by maintaining no contact. Best of luck to you.

It’s an open secret that you’ve recently been let in on. What happened with the maid and him cutting you off are two different things. Your mother already knows, how would her knowing you know change things? It probably won’t.

I know it must be frustrating that your father went NC with you, yet he’s the pious hypocrite. However, use your recently acquired knowledge to your benefit and let it be the catalyst for letting go of any residual feelings of guilt or responsibility associated with his NC.

Perhaps there is a reason your DM can't have sex - so his affairs were acceptable to them both. Perhaps she doesn't like sex. Perhaps having someone provide for her is more important than their fidelity.
Whatever the reasons it is between them. That doesn't make his behaviour right but if DM can ignore it then let it be.

Why did they cut you off - was it because of their strict religion. Some religions are more accepting of mens sexual behaviour than women's.

So often on MN new mothers want a close relationship for their baby and its GPs. But imv this isn't necessary for a happy, fulfilled child Better they have kind and interested friends of the DP's in their lives than selfish GPs.

Why on earth would you even consider letting your father have any sort of relationship with your child when he doesn't have one with you? That would be a hard NO from me even without knowledge of his cheating. Surely your father doesn't speak to you OR your partner? I'd not let my kid see him, or call him grandad, any of it. And again, this is even without the fact that he's a serial cheat and hypocrite.