I suppose this doesn’t fit the aibu category and I don’t really even know what I want from this. Just that it’s shaken me so much.
My parents have been married for over 30 years. I am born and raised in the U.K. but my parents are from a different country & another religion. Please don’t ask which country/religion / culture etc as it’s outing. I have a partner who is not part of that religion/ culture and it was a big deal to the point my family stopped all contact with me for 5 years but as my siblings got older we reconnected, as did my mum. My dad however has refused to
See & talk to me. It hurt to begin with but I’ve never had an amazing relationship with him, I was just so happy to have siblings/mum in my life.
I was recently told a secret by my sister. Something she had witnessed almost 10 years ago. My dad had an affair with the maid when they went on holiday to their home country. My sister told my mum and it sounds like my mum confronted him (and believes sister) but they stayed together ( & my mum kept the maid on for the duration of their stay)- despite dad continuing to do this with others- looks like he is a serial cheater & has bought this maid items for her home and has tried it on with my mums friend (caught by my sister) but friend was not impressed and rejected his advances.
So I am struggling. Quite badly actually. I know I haven’t had any contact with him for years and part of me has been angry at him for shunning me the way he has but this is another level. He claims to not want to talk to me on religions grounds- claiming that what I did and the way I live my life (not very different to his Life) is ‘ wrong’ and yet he has extra marital Affairs. Any chance of reconciliation which I had previously hoped for has now made me not want it- desperately hope he doesn’t change his mind and continues to shun me so I don’t have to face seeing him ever again.
As far as I know, My mum has forgiven and accepted it- I know it is her choice but what the fuck? Seriously who can be ok with the maid after finding out. I would’ve kicked them both out. I accept it’s my mums decision to stay with/leave my dad but I also know from my sister this has hurt her tremendously. It’s also heavily taboo to divorce in my culture. I wish she would though bcos I have a feeling he has been doing this their entire marriage.
The awful awful realisation my dad is one of those ‘me too’ creeps. He tried it on with my mums friend when she came over and said friend rejected /was confused by his actions. Again, this was witnessed by my sister.
My sister said shes had to live with this awful secret for years, only my parents and her knew and I can’t imagine the burden on her. I know it has impacted her trust/ view on relationships.
And lastly this has shattered the happy example of a marriage my parents had as well as the few good memories I have of my dad. It has also made me question things/ I feel angry and can’t /don’t want to tell anyone, at least not yet but just need to get my thoughts down and have the incredibly supportive mumsnet help me through this.
Should my sister and I tell my mum that I know and support her? My sister has said my mum doesn’t want anyone to know, including me. My sister has said she has since confronted my dad and he just gets angry and stays quiet and has never denied it. My mum just tells her ‘he’s still your dad’. I have questions and would like to know more- like if he has done this before. Certain things make sense now- like my mum not wanting to put houses etc in his name and has put them in myself & sisters name bcos she doesn’t trust dad. I used to think it was bcos he would give them to his family etc
I have just had a baby and I have a feeling my dad will want a relationship with her. Mum calls me often and dad will always say hi to her or call to her. After this- they way he has hurt my mum & is such a hypocrite sleazeball, I feel like this is the last straw and I should say no.
Should I confront him? What would that gain? Support for my mum, maybe he will think twice before he does anything again. But then that really isn’t my place is it- unless my mum wants that support? I just don’t know.
Sorry this is so long, I’m sure there is more but I can’t think straight. Have any of you been in this situation & if so, what did you do/how did you feel?
Advice very welcome.