Shattering family secret

[Purplegrape23]

I suppose this doesn’t fit the aibu category and I don’t really even know what I want from this. Just that it’s shaken me so much.

My parents have been married for over 30 years. I am born and raised in the U.K. but my parents are from a different country & another religion. Please don’t ask which country/religion / culture etc as it’s outing. I have a partner who is not part of that religion/ culture and it was a big deal to the point my family stopped all contact with me for 5 years but as my siblings got older we reconnected, as did my mum. My dad however has refused to
See & talk to me. It hurt to begin with but I’ve never had an amazing relationship with him, I was just so happy to have siblings/mum in my life.

I was recently told a secret by my sister. Something she had witnessed almost 10 years ago. My dad had an affair with the maid when they went on holiday to their home country. My sister told my mum and it sounds like my mum confronted him (and believes sister) but they stayed together ( & my mum kept the maid on for the duration of their stay)- despite dad continuing to do this with others- looks like he is a serial cheater & has bought this maid items for her home and has tried it on with my mums friend (caught by my sister) but friend was not impressed and rejected his advances.

So I am struggling. Quite badly actually. I know I haven’t had any contact with him for years and part of me has been angry at him for shunning me the way he has but this is another level. He claims to not want to talk to me on religions grounds- claiming that what I did and the way I live my life (not very different to his Life) is ‘ wrong’ and yet he has extra marital Affairs. Any chance of reconciliation which I had previously hoped for has now made me not want it- desperately hope he doesn’t change his mind and continues to shun me so I don’t have to face seeing him ever again.

As far as I know, My mum has forgiven and accepted it- I know it is her choice but what the fuck? Seriously who can be ok with the maid after finding out. I would’ve kicked them both out. I accept it’s my mums decision to stay with/leave my dad but I also know from my sister this has hurt her tremendously. It’s also heavily taboo to divorce in my culture. I wish she would though bcos I have a feeling he has been doing this their entire marriage.

The awful awful realisation my dad is one of those ‘me too’ creeps. He tried it on with my mums friend when she came over and said friend rejected /was confused by his actions. Again, this was witnessed by my sister.

My sister said shes had to live with this awful secret for years, only my parents and her knew and I can’t imagine the burden on her. I know it has impacted her trust/ view on relationships.

And lastly this has shattered the happy example of a marriage my parents had as well as the few good memories I have of my dad. It has also made me question things/ I feel angry and can’t /don’t want to tell anyone, at least not yet but just need to get my thoughts down and have the incredibly supportive mumsnet help me through this.

Should my sister and I tell my mum that I know and support her? My sister has said my mum doesn’t want anyone to know, including me. My sister has said she has since confronted my dad and he just gets angry and stays quiet and has never denied it. My mum just tells her ‘he’s still your dad’. I have questions and would like to know more- like if he has done this before. Certain things make sense now- like my mum not wanting to put houses etc in his name and has put them in myself & sisters name bcos she doesn’t trust dad. I used to think it was bcos he would give them to his family etc

I have just had a baby and I have a feeling my dad will want a relationship with her. Mum calls me often and dad will always say hi to her or call to her. After this- they way he has hurt my mum & is such a hypocrite sleazeball, I feel like this is the last straw and I should say no.

Should I confront him? What would that gain? Support for my mum, maybe he will think twice before he does anything again. But then that really isn’t my place is it- unless my mum wants that support? I just don’t know.

Sorry this is so long, I’m sure there is more but I can’t think straight. Have any of you been in this situation & if so, what did you do/how did you feel?

Advice very welcome.

It seems very odd that your sister says she caught out your father and the maid and also him and the family friend. As the family friend rejected him, in what way did she say she caught him out ?

Part of me doesn't know why you are so shocked about it.

Family who cut off daughter has a hypocrite at the head of it!

I don't know why you let any of them back in after treating you so disgustingly.

Does your poor partner have to see them?

I would not allow him access to your child based on his previous behaviour towards you and your partner - this new information proves he is not a person you want in your life.

Tell your partner, you need support processing this.

Respect your sisters wishes - don’t tell your mum you know as it may harm their relationship. Rather than being angry with mum, maybe try to understand that life hasn’t turned out as she hoped and whether it’s for financial/religious/even coercive reasons that she has stayed with him and gone along with his view on things, particularly the NC over your relationship. She may tell you herself in time.

Whether it’s a common scenario in that culture (power relationship between men and women) or he’s just a bad apple in that respect, be glad that you chose a different type of relationship and that your own children will hopefully grow up seeing a happy and equitable relationship between you. That this will not cycle on to the next generation.

Maybe seek counselling to process your feelings. I had a friend shunned from all family after leaving the Jehovah’s witnesses and there was so much there to work through.

Supporting people isnt always doing the right thing or what makes you feel better.

Say nothing to your mum or dad is the short answer.

The longer answer is around getting counselling, realising that confronting him is likely to lose your mum and sister again as they have to live with the aftermath, not you, and that of course your mum will never leave him as she didnt see you solo for five years, likely to his his pressure.

Sometimes good people like your mum make bad choices and you love them as they are, not how you want them to be (strong and kicking your dad out and living independently.) She's doing the best she can.

I think the affair is a side issue to you - it shows how sleazy your Dad is, but ultimately it is between him and your mother.

I feel the more important issue to you is that he thinks he has the right to a relationship with your daughter whilst shunning you. He doesn't. What sort of relationship would it be if he won't see you - what would he say to your daughter and what would that teach her?

Of course the answer is not (as he might presume) "Oh ok I'll see you then so that I can see my grandchild" as if it's all up to him. It isn't. He has rejected you and so he forfeits any sort of relationship with his grandchild.

This needs to be made clear to him. He won't like it, but then he does lots of things other people don't like so he'll just have to get used to it.

Well he can't see his grandchild if he refuses to see you anyway, so you don't need to worry on that score. You are still in touch with your mum, lots of women live like this. You have to respect her and let her get on with her life, the same as you.

I think you need to put some firm boundaries in place.

You were considering reconciling with your dad until you found out about the affairs-why?

I think you should be very minimal or no contact with people who will cut you off at will & then allow you back in as if it's a favour to you!

So it turns out your DF is every bit the arsehole you thought he was. It rather vindicates your approach to him.

But I do think you need to respect your mum’s way of dealing with her life. She wants to ignore it and for everyone to look the other way. That’s up to her. Confronting her/your dad will just be humiliating for her and will not achieve anything.

What’s interesting is that while being angry with your mum for her passivity, there’s a level of passivity in your own. You’re concerned your dad will want a relationship with your kids, to the point that you desperately hope he doesn’t change his mind and continues to shun me so I don’t have to face seeing him ever again.

While some cultures are heavily patriarchal, but you are UK raised and have married outside it - you are free. So you get to set the terms of your relationship with your dad, not him. If you never want to see him again or to see your kid, that’s your decision. It’s not down to him to maintain the non-contact, it’s for you to make that choice.

"It’s not down to him to maintain the non-contact, it’s for you to make that choice."

Summed up in one sentence!

What does your partner think about it all?

Sleeping with your maid IMO is all the nasty things you can imagine, and some.

I've had maids as I lived overseas as an ex-pat. A maid is often doing that job out of desperation or coercion from her family. She is often supporting a whole load of her extended family and paying for everything. If propositioned by her employer and she doesn't reciprocate, she risks losing her job, putting her family back into poverty, taking children out of school, or being unable to pay for someone's medical care. It is exploitation and should be illegal.

Funny how your dad mostly picks on people in his employment. He is a bully and a nasty piece of work. He should be in jail TBH.

I would heave a sigh of relief that I had escaped his clutches.

Feel for you. I remember when I was pregnant it really amplified the anger I had towards my father and how he'd treated my mother (not affairs but domestic violence) they've stayed together. I know tgat hormones and becoming a mother were hugely part of this. An episode on holiday when I was 13weeks or so pregnant and he was verbally aggressive to mum I flipped, shouted at home, told him off and didn't spk to him for the rest of the holiday or 6 months afterwards. Wrote him letters to try and communicate that if his behaviour didn't change then I couldn't continue to speak to him or risk his behaviour around my baby. I saw a counsellor that helped me that time too. Truth is the bad behaviour had mostly stopped but he's narcissistic and has never/will never/is not able to apologise and take accountability. However it did make me feel better to take some action to the situation. Perhaps you will feel this too if you do decide to confront him? Speak your mind? Its not your job to manage his emotions/response. My mum always spoke to me about it and I think it helped her as she was very isolated in a sense. what was your relationship like with your mum? What would you like to say to her? Let her know she deserved better? Sometimes processing that can help move your decision along in what to do next. You sound like a very lovely daughter xxx

Hello @Purplegrape23: I am from an Asian background, and have lots of British born Asian friends of all religions.

The story you describe is not particularly shocking to - although I can see why you are upset by this. Your mum's reaction to the maid could be so many reasons (eg she sees the maid was co-erced, abused etc and has compassion for her). Her not leaving could be many reasons, but its a lot harder for a foreign born woman in probably late 50s/60s who may not have had a career/pension etc to leave her husband than it would be for you for example

Obviously your dad doesn't seem like a good/honest/trustworthy person. Which is not to say that all Asian men are like that (my own dad/uncles are not like that) - there are bad apples in every nationality/religion/community

I think you should decide what relationship you want to have with your mum, & sounds like you are happy to have no/low contact with your dad. The whole 'protesting about marrying out then wanting to have a relationship with child' is pretty common too: make your own decision about whether you want your child to have a relationship with GPs or not. I would consider if you confronting your dad will make things worse for your mum (ie your dad would take his anger out on her)

Not to minimise the upset this is causing you, but both the issues (the sleaze + the cutting off) are unfortunately common place, its for you to decide how you want to go forward.

Agree

Honestly OP, the only thing that will happen is your mum will take his side and most likely fall out with you.

Your mums knows what he like. She is choosing to stay with him. She will not leave him and you won't 'save' her.

By all means tell him what you think of him but do it for yourself - don't use the excuse its about your mum. Your mums is obviously happy to stay where she is.

I would have nothing to do with any of them.

Why move to a country with a different culture if you're only going to reject the culture?

They sound awful.

should be a quote from PP above!

I agree that you should fully go nc with your dad inc nc for your DD.
Your Father is a horrible man but it is your Mothers choice and I would leave it at that. I would not ask any questions and despite your relationship with your Dm now, she did go nc with you over your relationship,so a hypocrite.
Congratulations on your baby

I don’t think there’s much point getting involved here. Your Mum is well aware and has made the choice to stay with him, she’s an adult and it’s her life. You already have no contact with him so there’s no point getting in touch just to rant at him then cutting contact again, it doesn’t make much sense.

Tbh it won’t be very cathartic anyway. My Dad stopped contacting me suddenly when I was 19 and I was upset for a very long time because he didn’t offer any explanation, he just sort of disappeared for no reason and we’d always been close. I sent him a long ranting message one day, he just offered a passive aggressive ‘sorry you feel that way’ and a boat load of excuses. It didn’t help, just made me feel worse. Don’t bother with him, just stay NC and continue to support your Mum.

I wonder if there are support groups for women like your mum, on Facebook, for example? I bet there are. As to your father, I would feel inclined to write to him, pointing out your disgust at his hypocrisy, but I suppose that might make life harder for your Dsis and mum. Maybe write it but don't send it!
Some men are just so entitled. Sadly, they get away with it.
I think I would allow a (distant) relationship with DD - I had a boss like your dad who treated his DW like a slave but he really doted on his dch - but I would want to point out his hypocrisy to him first.
Please tell your DP, who is one step removed from this but will want to support you and may be able to help you. It's not fair or reasonable to keep this secret from him - he'll know you're upset and may think it's his fault!
Your poor mum and Dsis - and you. I would also be very angry, upset and conflicted.

Be aware if the tax implications of having extra property in your name.

If you are not declaring income etc (even if you personally don’t receive it- it will be assumed you are), you could be in trouble yourself.

Honestly I would tell my partner (we don't have secrets) they already know your father is a horrible man, this won't surprise them I am sure.

And leave it where it belongs, in the past.

This is not your problem op. Get some counselling possibly, to talk through your feelings of rejection, double standards etc. That is the right place for you, I am sorry your parents were so unkind to you, and wish you every happiness. Your life is separate to theirs, remember that. You don't need to let your family taint your future.

Speaking as someone who is probably closer to your parents age than yours - We often put our parents on a pedestal and think they are perfect , and that there relationship is perfect also.
Your sister found that out at an earlier age than you , and to some degree has shielded you from the fact that they are not.
In particular your father is a marriage cheat , and a racist bigot for not accepting your life choice in partner. He is also a cruel man for the ongoing hurt your mother must have felt , and also for not speaking to you.
Honestly , nothing has changed about your father , just the recent knowledge you have about him. Squaring up to him will achieve nothing , but a quiet word to your mother to acknowledge his past behaviour and the on going support for your mother might be enough for the both of you.

There are two separate issues here.

1. Your father cut you off for religious reasons five years ago and now appears to be wanting a relationship with your daughter but not with you.

1. Your father is a serial womaniser and has broken the religious vows of his marriage. But, for her own private reasons, your mother has forgiven him and moved on from it.

Your father’s values are way off and shocking for you to live with but it’s doubtful he will change. It isn’t your job to change him although you could privately make plain your own feelings to him if you can bear to do so. Maybe a letter to him would help you feel better even if you decide not to send it in case it rocks the boat too much for your mum.

My response would be to keep your father at a distance and never let him have a relationship with your daughter unless he does make an effort to adjust his values ..unlikely.

And I would not disturb your mum’s hard-earned peace by bringing up your fathers infidelity with her. She has learned to live with it and to carry on with her life as best she can. It’s her prerogative to do that. It may not be ideal for you but it would be cruel to make her bring it all up again.

I think you may need to consider counselling to help you make sense of the the double standards and injustice to your mum and to make sense of your father’s abandonment of you.

Good luck !

What is your parents culture (not religion) like?

Is there overt or general misogyny in that culture?
If there is, I am really not surprised by any of what you have written.

I don't think if you mention your parents culture &/or religion it will be outing.

What has happened in your family isn't particularly uncommon -
Being excommunicated for choosing someone not of the same religion. Then the bigot who instigated this, turns out to be a nasty twat - what a surprise - not!

I would tell your DP (he already knows your 'D'F is a dickhead. I would keep your DC away from this horrible man so she is not influenced by him in any way

What makes you the self proclaimed expert?

A lot more of what it takes than you have and an absence of tunnel vision.

I think you need to do some reading around how men exploit their employees because of the imbalance of power. Where one person, usually the woman, is financially dependent on another person, usually a male boss, the imbalance of power is enormous. Don’t excuse this misogyny against what are often very low paid employees. It’s #metoo all over again

I’ve lived in one of these societies for many decades and could write a book on it. I don’t need to read about it.

Fact - some domestic workers are abused by their employer.

Fact - some women come to work in these countries and go onto to make good marriages from within the family they came to work for.