Shattering family secret

[Purplegrape23]

I suppose this doesn’t fit the aibu category and I don’t really even know what I want from this. Just that it’s shaken me so much.

My parents have been married for over 30 years. I am born and raised in the U.K. but my parents are from a different country & another religion. Please don’t ask which country/religion / culture etc as it’s outing. I have a partner who is not part of that religion/ culture and it was a big deal to the point my family stopped all contact with me for 5 years but as my siblings got older we reconnected, as did my mum. My dad however has refused to
See & talk to me. It hurt to begin with but I’ve never had an amazing relationship with him, I was just so happy to have siblings/mum in my life.

I was recently told a secret by my sister. Something she had witnessed almost 10 years ago. My dad had an affair with the maid when they went on holiday to their home country. My sister told my mum and it sounds like my mum confronted him (and believes sister) but they stayed together ( & my mum kept the maid on for the duration of their stay)- despite dad continuing to do this with others- looks like he is a serial cheater & has bought this maid items for her home and has tried it on with my mums friend (caught by my sister) but friend was not impressed and rejected his advances.

So I am struggling. Quite badly actually. I know I haven’t had any contact with him for years and part of me has been angry at him for shunning me the way he has but this is another level. He claims to not want to talk to me on religions grounds- claiming that what I did and the way I live my life (not very different to his Life) is ‘ wrong’ and yet he has extra marital Affairs. Any chance of reconciliation which I had previously hoped for has now made me not want it- desperately hope he doesn’t change his mind and continues to shun me so I don’t have to face seeing him ever again.

As far as I know, My mum has forgiven and accepted it- I know it is her choice but what the fuck? Seriously who can be ok with the maid after finding out. I would’ve kicked them both out. I accept it’s my mums decision to stay with/leave my dad but I also know from my sister this has hurt her tremendously. It’s also heavily taboo to divorce in my culture. I wish she would though bcos I have a feeling he has been doing this their entire marriage.

The awful awful realisation my dad is one of those ‘me too’ creeps. He tried it on with my mums friend when she came over and said friend rejected /was confused by his actions. Again, this was witnessed by my sister.

My sister said shes had to live with this awful secret for years, only my parents and her knew and I can’t imagine the burden on her. I know it has impacted her trust/ view on relationships.

And lastly this has shattered the happy example of a marriage my parents had as well as the few good memories I have of my dad. It has also made me question things/ I feel angry and can’t /don’t want to tell anyone, at least not yet but just need to get my thoughts down and have the incredibly supportive mumsnet help me through this.

Should my sister and I tell my mum that I know and support her? My sister has said my mum doesn’t want anyone to know, including me. My sister has said she has since confronted my dad and he just gets angry and stays quiet and has never denied it. My mum just tells her ‘he’s still your dad’. I have questions and would like to know more- like if he has done this before. Certain things make sense now- like my mum not wanting to put houses etc in his name and has put them in myself & sisters name bcos she doesn’t trust dad. I used to think it was bcos he would give them to his family etc

I have just had a baby and I have a feeling my dad will want a relationship with her. Mum calls me often and dad will always say hi to her or call to her. After this- they way he has hurt my mum & is such a hypocrite sleazeball, I feel like this is the last straw and I should say no.

Should I confront him? What would that gain? Support for my mum, maybe he will think twice before he does anything again. But then that really isn’t my place is it- unless my mum wants that support? I just don’t know.

Sorry this is so long, I’m sure there is more but I can’t think straight. Have any of you been in this situation & if so, what did you do/how did you feel?

Advice very welcome.

I'd write my parents a letter informing them that I am aware of what happened, and in light of this, am even more appalled by dad's disgusting and judgemental behavior when he is a hypocrite who doesn't even respect his own religion, oe his marriage, and that as a result he will be having no relationship with my child, and I'd also thank him for removing himself from my life so I don't have to.

@Tooembarrassingtomention

Chances are with the maid it wasn’t an affair but abuse or a paid arrangement.

I thought the same.

I wouldn't want a relationship with him but if he did try to talk to you and started his religious stuff or moral bollocks you absolutely should tell him that a serial cheat and woman harasser like him has no business judging others.

I would respect your sisters wishes. She has carried this burden for 10 years and she has now confided in you but you said she told you your mum asked her not to. You have a positive relationship with your sister to the point she trusts you and confided in you - protect that. Don't betray her trust but trying to get back at your dad for the way he treats you by pointing out he is a hypercrite. You said you value your relationship with mum and sisters - don't risk what you have built back up by causing a rift between your parents marriage. Yes the rift is there and its on them but if you make it all public everyone will shift their negative feelings about things onto your shoulders. Enjoy being a mother and feeling close to your sister.

I would double-check my facts first. This is all on sister's say-so and she has stopped you from speaking to anybody else about it. Your 'evidence' for all this is pretty shaky.

If your sister has told you with the proviso that you do not tell your mother that you know, then you do, IMO, have to respect your sister's wishes. It should be your sister that tells your mother that you now know the situation.

It's interesting that your mother is sufficiently understanding of the hypocrisy of your parents shunning you for marrying outside of your culture/religion (pretty harmless, when all's said and done) while keeping this skeleton of serial unfaithfulness locked in the closet - I can see why she doesn't want you to know their "shame", she's worried you would use it as a stick to beat them with over their behaviour towards you.

Your parents have a low opinion of you, whichever angle you look at it from.

Yeah, keep the creep away from your baby - he doesn't need to have any kind of relationship with her.

Your mum and dad are toxic. You need to think very carefully about why you would even consider letting your dad in particular have access to your child.

Tell your partner. Let him see both your parents for who they really are.

You sound frightened of your dad. You shouldn't be - he's an arse. In your position, I would definitely ban any contact wit the dc and would inform him by letter - not in person as it will kick off and be upsetting - of your reasons.
He is a hypocrite, a liar and a user. Do your dc need someone like that in their lives? of course not. Good luck OP.

Gosh I see this imbalance often in some cultures through the families I work with. The men live different standards to the women and the women accept this. I’m not suggesting that they choose to.

The reasons for acceptance are complicated and I don’t think it’s helpful to second guess your DM. I also don’t think you should become involved where your DM has expressed her wishes that no one knows. The support you wish to offer may not be the support that she wants.

You have discovered your father is a hypocrite, not only has he betrayed and disrespected his family, he has judged and dismissed you and caused you to feel shame. Frankly that is shit but I think you should deal with these feelings without involving your parents.

What do you think would happen if you told your DM that you knew. Would she feel shame, would she feel worse? What would happen if you told your DF you knew, would he care, would he apologise or would he say you do not understand and dismiss you again?

Could you talk these emotions through with someone objective?

@Tealwarrior

rich western man with maid is never going to be mutual is it?

I think you’d be surprised.

Using servants for sex is common in sond cultures. It is still sexual abuse.

Just a few thoughts.

Are you absolutely 101% sure that yur sister is telling the truth?
Seems mighty strange that She kept the seecret 10 plus years, and just when you have had a baby- reason to re-connect) she chucks in a bombshell like that........ and you are not to discuss with your mum?

Bound to widen the gap between you all- could that be what she wants? Is there anything in the ''non revealled culture''
that might give a grandchild something over your sister?

All seems very odd to me.

Using servants for sex is common in sond cultures. It is still sexual abuse

It’s also common for domestic staff to enter into relationships with their employer that is nothing to do with sexual abuse and everything to do with a normal relationship.

I think you need to stop looking at things with tunnel vision and allow for the fact that you don’t have have a deep enough awareness of these things to be able to view something objectively.

Fact - domestic workers can and do also enter into normal relationships with their employers.

It's interesting that your mother is sufficiently understanding of the hypocrisy of your parents shunning you for marrying outside of your culture/religion (pretty harmless, when all's said and done) while keeping this skeleton of serial unfaithfulness locked in the closet - I can see why she doesn't want you to know their "shame", she's worried you would use it as a stick to beat them with over their behaviour towards you

In these societies parenting can be very much in the style of don’t do as I do, do as I say.

While this is obviously hurtful to you now, in the long run this will do you a favour.

Your dad cut you off for failing to choose a man like him. Looks like that was a wise choice.

Keep him away from your daughter and continue your relationship with your mum and siblings.

You can't change him, only how you feel about him. Book yourself some counselling to come to terms with it. Trying to do anything about it will only cause you more hurt.
Your mum has made her choices. They wouldn't have been yours but be a bigger person than your dad and respect her right to do so, even if you don't agree. And be there if the time comes she changes her mind

For goodness sake! Tell your partner! Why would they care about what your father has done?!?

[quote Purplegrape23]@Tooembarrassingtomention I know, this has crossed my mind. That is what makes it extra sick for me. That this is a possibility but from what my sister has said it sounded mutual from both sides. But there is a chance he made advances she felt stuck or needed certain things out of it (to make her life easier).

This man is my dad and I hate that.

My partner is my best friend and yet I can’t bring myself to tell them this.[/quote]
Having sex with an employee isn’t an ‘affair’. It’s a gross abuse of the power dynamic. I should imagine that the maid is poorly paid, has family, needs the job and so has to put up with any shit her employer throws her way - including tolerating him wanting to use her for sex. So put the idea that it was some sort of relationship where she’s equally to blame out of your mind.
It’s entirely up to you whether you see, or your child sees, your father. You call the shots, not him.
It’s also entirely possible that your sister has made the whole thing up especially as she doesn’t want you to say anything to your mum about it, and she knows you don’t speak to your father.

Well he certainly can't be as religious as he is making out whilst he is having affairs. Hope he doesn't fall off his high horse anytime soon.

He’s a hypocrite and at best a bad parent, a bad husband. Though more likely a controlling monster at worst. You’re best off out of it. Keep your distance, protect your child and let your mum know you’re there if she needs you. Hopefully, after the shock has worn off this will give you some clarity over the awfulness of his behaviour, including the way he treated you, and give you the freedom to let him go.

I expected to read that your dad or mum has a secret child or had done something very serious like harm someone or stole something.

Affairs are an everyday part of life, women often look past it because it’s easier for them.

I don’t understand why you are getting yourself so involved and why you can’t talk your partner?

You need to separate this and the issues you’ve personally had with your family. Do not get involved, you can’t change what your dad has done or change the way your mum has dealt with it. The way they’ve all treated you is horrendous.

@Tealwarrior

Using servants for sex is common in sond cultures. It is still sexual abuse

It’s also common for domestic staff to enter into relationships with their employer that is nothing to do with sexual abuse and everything to do with a normal relationship.

I think you need to stop looking at things with tunnel vision and allow for the fact that you don’t have have a deep enough awareness of these things to be able to view something objectively.

Fact - domestic workers can and do also enter into normal relationships with their employers.

I think you need to do some reading around how men exploit their employees because of the imbalance of power. Where one person, usually the woman, is financially dependent on another person, usually a male boss, the imbalance of power is enormous. Don’t excuse this misogyny against what are often very low paid employees. It’s #metoo all over again.

The first step is to go and talk to your Mum about it and get her side. Ask her why she forgave himself and what she knows about it. It’s their marriage though, and ultimately it’s their business.
You don’t see your father , so no reason to change that. Your father can’t have a relationship with your child when he doesn’t see you so forget that.
The whole situation sounds very toxic and he sounds very messed up.
Try to concentrate on your own family, enjoy seeing your siblings and your mum but keep out of the rest of it.

I voted YABU purely because you sound like you're in a better place now. Don't become involved with this situation. You need to protection your own emotional/mental well-being. Speaking up won't do much and if anything.

Also, do not allow your "father" to have a relationship with your daughter.

This situation is all too common especially in certain cultures . Your Mother has chosen to accept and live with this . I speak from the point of view of having lived in what is I guess a similar country and I know that often the wife is still seen as THE wife and the one who is in charge . Religion does not mean morality in fact often the opposite . There is no point in people guessing about maids and vulnerability etc . It happens , is often initiated by them and they are usually provided for . There is no point in confronting your Dad about this . Live your life - it's not your business . Your only business is your daughter and it is up to you as to how this unfolds.

@Tealwarrior

Using servants for sex is common in sond cultures. It is still sexual abuse

It’s also common for domestic staff to enter into relationships with their employer that is nothing to do with sexual abuse and everything to do with a normal relationship.

I think you need to stop looking at things with tunnel vision and allow for the fact that you don’t have have a deep enough awareness of these things to be able to view something objectively.

Fact - domestic workers can and do also enter into normal relationships with their employers.

You know nothing about my background. I have a very deep awareness

What makes you the self proclaimed expert?

I can understand your pain, confusion and hurt over this revelation!!
Your Father is a hypocritical, judgmental, nasty piece of shit.

I would definitely tell your dear partner. You can't hold on to this info without telling him. A trouble shared is a trouble halved.

Be true to your sister and keep the secret for her sake and your Mum's. Get some therapy/healing treatments.

Your upper hand to your Father, will be nc with his grandchild and future grandchildren.

Be happy darling.