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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH doesn't want my mum at DD's birthday

105 replies

mrshunta · 31/08/2021 21:12

Dd's birthday Saturday, we are planning on going to the zoo then back to MIL's after.
My mum wants to come but OH says she is draining.

Which she is I agree with him but I can't imagine she will be like that on her granddaughters birthday.

My mum is always complaining that she is ill, even though she isn't, she moved to closer to us and hates it and moans about it all the time.

So his reasons are valid but I will speak to her before we go.

AIBU to bring her?

OP posts:
DontBeAHaterDear · 01/09/2021 12:40

@mrshunta

Well we're planning on going to the zoo on Saturday with mum as DD's birthday is on Sunday (not Saturday ignore me) then go to mums on Sunday morning to do prezzies then to MIL After.

But mum still isn't happy and doesn't understand why I can just do it at my
House and everyone comes round. As she will miss DD blowing out her candles.

I give up 😩

As others have said, stop pandering to her. Make your arrangements for your child’s birthday, invite who you want as you have done, and if they’re not happy they can decline. I’d rescind her invite to the zoo now- have a lovely day with your daughter and husband. Happy dad, happy mum, happy birthday child… possibly unhappy granny but she’ll moan whatever. You won’t have to hear it though because she won’t be there. Win win.
grapewine · 01/09/2021 12:54

So your mum gets to go to the zoo and also gets a visit on your daughter's actual birthday. And she's still moaning.

I'm with your husband. Stop pandering to her. Some people will never be happy.

AmyDudley · 01/09/2021 13:22

So the things happening are
Zoo (saturday)
Present opening at your Mum's (Sunday)
Birthday tea at MILs(Sunday)

Your Mum is complicating things, As others say she is probably going to moan whatever, so tell her that you are doing the zoo just you, DP and DD, then go to hers for presents and then all go on to MILs for tea (If MIL is willing). Then you'll only really have her on her own for present opening. There will presumably be others at MILs to dilute her moaning.

Tell her you don't want any moaning because it is DD's birthday and you want a jolly time to be had by all. She will either curb her moaning or take the huff and not come (problem solved either way - but if she doesn't come I would maybe arrange a little tea out or similar juts her you and DD so she doesn't feel excluded.)

PersonaNonGarter · 01/09/2021 13:50

Tell your mum she is hard work and needs to sort herself out.

Porcupineintherough · 01/09/2021 14:10

@Balonzette

Either both mums are involved or neither are.
Why? Are they a matching pair? Can you never visit one parent, or sibling unless you see all of them?

OP do you spend a lot of time trying and failing to make your mum happy? If she's a real downer then is seeing her for a whole day that should be about your dd really the best idea? Do you think she'll join in cheerfully or make it all about her?

LookItsMeAgain · 01/09/2021 14:23

If I were you I'd go to the zoo as planned but without your mum, then go to your mum's place from the zoo.
Do cake and candles there and gifts (if there are any).
The next day, go to MiL and do cake and candle and gifts there.

Stop pandering to your mother. It's very clear that she complains whatever you propose, so just do what YOU (as in you, your DH and your DD) want to do and then TELL her what you're going to do with her.
She'll complain after the fact, before it, and possibly during too (for added effect).
Just do you guys at the zoo, minus mum or mil.

LookItsMeAgain · 01/09/2021 14:26

@AtticusHoysAnus

It's shitty to exclude her.

She won't be around for ever, include her.

There is always one: "She's going to die some day so include her in everything" Even if she is a royal pain the ass and moans and complains about everything!

You do you @mrshunta

1FootInTheRave · 01/09/2021 14:43

Totally seeing the point of view from your dh.

Looks like the mil is getting the least contact despite it being your mother that's the pain in the arse.

2bazookas · 01/09/2021 14:52

Tell her you would LIKE her to come but only if she is well enough and can manage it.

If she is under the weather that would spoil the birthday treat so you WONT AT ALL MIND if she cries off at the last possible moment.

IF she comes, she must understand that you and DH and |MIL's entire energies will be focussed on small children.

Rinse and repeat until she's got it.

Then if she turns up and kicks off attention seeking, hell mend her. Just leave her to it.

PercyPiginaWig · 01/09/2021 15:40

@Cocomarine

Why do you not imagine she will be HERSELF on the birthday zoo trip?

Of course she will be - whether you have a word or not. Are you really going to stop her to stop moaning all the time? Is she really going to stop?

You’ve acknowledged he is right, and he doesn’t sound like a dick - just someone who doesn’t want his day with his daughter on her birthday ruined by the crap.

The complication is if you only see your MIL after not at the zoo, not to be hurtful.

Totally agree, if she is always draining OP you're being naive to think she's going to be different on that occasion.

You could arrange to see her but not to come to the zoo and mar the day out.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 01/09/2021 16:47

So she's basically got all her own way - Saturday trip and Sunday morning and she's still not content. No wonder your husband is pissed off.
Do all of you a favour and tell her you want the trip to the zoo to be just the 3 of you. Tell her it isn't fair on mil, if that helps.

Annoyedanddissapointed · 01/09/2021 18:48

Is your DH here?
He got a wife problem

NeverDropYourMooncup · 01/09/2021 19:08

You might want to be prepared for illness/pain/complaining at the zoo. Some rent out mobility scooters, as it's physically demanding for many people who would ordinarily manage with a bit of a grumble to cover miles walking and standing round, particularly when eating areas/cafes/shops tend to be jampacked. Taking enough snacks to be able to avoid her saying it's time to go home because she hasn't eaten a thing/turned her nose up at the frankly crap food they tend to flog and she's worn out would also be a plan.

Other than that, though, your DH appears to have been right with her still not being happy after you've changed everything to try and keep her sweet. I suppose you could bring a Special Grandma Cake (cupcakes with candles) to hers so she can complain about that as well still be 'in charge' of a candle blowing photo op. I'd also be ruthlessly and relentlessly upbeat with her as you would with a whingeing toddler. 'Oh, I'm so tired' 'It's so noisy' - 'Yes, we've got the tigers next - I wonder if we'll be able to see them or whether they'll be hiding?' 'Oh, I know - you sit down here, we'll go and look at the Giraffes and come straight back afterwards. We're going to the meercat enclosure now - I wonder if we'll see a peacock or any otters?'

You'll have learned for next year - and telling him quietly 'yes, I know, you were right' when she does drain you both of the will to live by the time you've got through the front gate will probably be diplomatically advantageous.

phishy · 01/09/2021 19:12

@SpilltheTea

If you swapped Mum with Mil some of the responses would be different. I don't blame him for not wanting a day of her negative behaviour. I'd also still invite her depending on her relationship with DD, or make time for her before the zoo.
Not really, because DM sounds like she complains about being ill but isn’t nasty, to OP or her DH. If it was MIL OP would get the same advice.
RedHelenB · 01/09/2021 19:14

@mrshunta

Well we're planning on going to the zoo on Saturday with mum as DD's birthday is on Sunday (not Saturday ignore me) then go to mums on Sunday morning to do prezzies then to MIL After.

But mum still isn't happy and doesn't understand why I can just do it at my
House and everyone comes round. As she will miss DD blowing out her candles.

I give up 😩

How is that fair?

I'm.on dh's side. Why are you being such a wimp with your mother?

Zwellers · 01/09/2021 19:17

What makes you think your mother will be different just because its yor child birthday. Is your mother going to ruin the day. If this was a mil everyone would be saying don't take her.

Kuachui · 01/09/2021 19:57

What's he planning to do? Exclude her from everyt event in the future because she's annoying?

Porcupineintherough · 01/09/2021 20:03

@Kuachui maybe just some of them?

Original poster
mrshunta · 01/09/2021 20:12

To be honest when we're out and about with her she's fine and doesn't complain. However when she is on her own for a few days she usually rings complaining how ill she is and how she nearly fell over. Even though she never does fall over.

OH says to her how can you be fine when your with us but be so ill when your on your own.

I did pop to the shops with her earlier and she said she is very lonely. I said maybe start looking at some activities or volunteer at a charity shop as she use to love that. But she said no she is too ill Hmm

It's like she hates the way she is living but is willing to do nothing about it.

OP posts:
Isthisit22 · 01/09/2021 22:17

You are being very unfair to your husband. Why should he have to share your special family trip to the zoo with your moaning mother? You've disregarded his wishes- I would not put up with this if I were him. It was much fairer when both mums were just being visited on Sunday.

PercyPiginaWig · 01/09/2021 23:02

@Kuachui

What's he planning to do? Exclude her from everyt event in the future because she's annoying?
Well people need to learn that behaviour has consequences...my MIL wants absolutely everything on her terms and has to be managed or she would ruin events. The difference is DH and I are a team and he doesn't think I should have to put up with her. He doesn't want to have to put up with her either tbh.

It sounds like OP's mum is a martyr and her behaviour is rewarded by pandering to her.

NumberTheory · 02/09/2021 01:52

@mrshunta

To be honest when we're out and about with her she's fine and doesn't complain. However when she is on her own for a few days she usually rings complaining how ill she is and how she nearly fell over. Even though she never does fall over.

OH says to her how can you be fine when your with us but be so ill when your on your own.

I did pop to the shops with her earlier and she said she is very lonely. I said maybe start looking at some activities or volunteer at a charity shop as she use to love that. But she said no she is too ill Hmm

It's like she hates the way she is living but is willing to do nothing about it.

If she’s only annoying when she phones after being alone for a few days, why does your DH think she’s draining? Or does she call him and moan?
NiceGerbil · 02/09/2021 01:55

I'm not sure whether it's the zoo or after.

If zoo. Sounds like you don't want her there either! Sorry mum we really want it to be the 3 (4 whatever) of us. Looking forward to seeing you after. Shall we take the kid/s to the zoo another time?

If it's going after the zoo then meh. Can't really say no to that. And I mean it's what pop round for a bit. Just get on with it.

NiceGerbil · 02/09/2021 01:58

'OH says to her how can you be fine when your with us but be so ill when your on your own.'

That's not on at all.
I mean ok he doesn't like her whatever. It's your mum though. Him saying that is really out of line.

I get she's being a pain but that's for you to think about really. Talk to her try to sort it etc.

He was out of line. I mean even if said jokey.

Billandben444 · 02/09/2021 06:05

I did pop to the shops with her earlier and she said she is very lonely. I said maybe start looking at some activities or volunteer at a charity shop as she use to love that. But she said no she is too ill
So, now the story fills out a bit. Have the birthday weekend and then spend some time encouraging your mum to sort herself out and, if the 'moaning' is linked to depression, get her a doctor's appt. Loneliness is dreadful at any age. Do you repeat these draining conversations to your DH? You might want to think about that as it sounds as though she's OK in person so his opinion of her might be a bit skewed. Some mean responses on here tbh when it might be a cry for help from your mum. Enjoy the birthday weekend whatever you decide.