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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

OH doesn't want my mum at DD's birthday

105 replies

mrshunta · 31/08/2021 21:12

Dd's birthday Saturday, we are planning on going to the zoo then back to MIL's after.
My mum wants to come but OH says she is draining.

Which she is I agree with him but I can't imagine she will be like that on her granddaughters birthday.

My mum is always complaining that she is ill, even though she isn't, she moved to closer to us and hates it and moans about it all the time.

So his reasons are valid but I will speak to her before we go.

AIBU to bring her?

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 01/09/2021 07:23

There's a huge difference between the DM coming for the whole day, so trip to the zoo, to MIL after and then trip home again, and MIL who's only getting a pop in visit after the zoo, if people are banging on about unfairness!

DontBeAHaterDear · 01/09/2021 07:25

My mother is hard work too in a very similar way. I wouldn’t take her with us on a special day out for that reason. Absolutely do something else that includes her, either at MIL’s if MIL agrees or on another day but a moaning Myrtle putting a downer on the day wouldn’t be tolerated by me.

GreenTortoise · 01/09/2021 07:33

Oh so your OH is happy for his own mum to be involved just not yours....

TeeBee · 01/09/2021 07:33

OP, you've told us the reasons she complains but have you challenged her on the impact it has on others? Have you told her that it's unpleasant to be around and that makes people think twice about being around her. And then explain that you don't want your DD's birthday blighted by negativity. Then if she chooses to continue then I think it's fair game to exclude her. Nobody should have to be dragged down constantly by moaning.

Loudestcat14 · 01/09/2021 07:33

@Billandben444

I'd tell your mum that it's just going to be the 3 of you at the zoo after all as you know her health isn't up to much and you wouldn't want the long day to make her poorly. Don't say anything about going to MIL's after (as she can't get there anyway) but tell her that you'd like to do something special with her and DD on the next day/Saturday/Sunday. Now is not the time to throw the moaning in her face - is she depressed do you think?
This is an excellent suggestion.
Cocomarine · 01/09/2021 08:06

@GreenTortoise

Oh so your OH is happy for his own mum to be involved just not yours....
Yes - and with good reason, his mother isn’t a non stop complaining mood hoover, or OP would surely have told us that?

And RTFT - MIL isn’t going to the zoo.

traintraveller · 01/09/2021 11:06

@GreenTortoise

Oh so your OH is happy for his own mum to be involved just not yours....
MN is full of women who are happy for their own mother to be involved but not their husbands. Never seems to be an issue then.
LagunaBubbles · 01/09/2021 11:12

Oh so your OH is happy for his own mum to be involved just not yours

Yep exactly the same as the numerous posts you see here from woman wanting to exclude their MILS!

user1471457751 · 01/09/2021 11:14

@GreenTortoise @TidyDancer his mum is not the problem. She's not a miserable self-centred complainer who brings the mood of everyone around her down. She's also not going to the zoo so won't be there all day. Why should she in effect be punished because the OP's mum can't behave reasonably

TidyDancer · 01/09/2021 11:19

@user1471457751 it doesn't say anything about MIL's behaviour in any of OP's posts.

PleasantBirthday · 01/09/2021 11:19

OK. so you and your husband don't want your mother there. You've told us all about her failings as a fun person to be around, but is she an important person to your daughter? It is her birthday after all.

TidyDancer · 01/09/2021 11:20

@PleasantBirthday

OK. so you and your husband don't want your mother there. You've told us all about her failings as a fun person to be around, but is she an important person to your daughter? It is her birthday after all.
Yep, this.
Freddiefox · 01/09/2021 11:21

Take her this time while the dd’s too little to remember. My mum can be miserable, I remember a sant visit the was ruined by the lack of enthusiasm and general downtrodden attitude. I never asked her again.

Freddiefox · 01/09/2021 11:21

Santa

Original poster
mrshunta · 01/09/2021 11:24

Well we're planning on going to the zoo on Saturday with mum as DD's birthday is on Sunday (not Saturday ignore me) then go to mums on Sunday morning to do prezzies then to MIL After.

But mum still isn't happy and doesn't understand why I can just do it at my
House and everyone comes round. As she will miss DD blowing out her candles.

I give up 😩

OP posts:
SpilltheTea · 01/09/2021 11:28

If you swapped Mum with Mil some of the responses would be different. I don't blame him for not wanting a day of her negative behaviour. I'd also still invite her depending on her relationship with DD, or make time for her before the zoo.

Cocomarine · 01/09/2021 11:36

@mrshunta

Well we're planning on going to the zoo on Saturday with mum as DD's birthday is on Sunday (not Saturday ignore me) then go to mums on Sunday morning to do prezzies then to MIL After.

But mum still isn't happy and doesn't understand why I can just do it at my
House and everyone comes round. As she will miss DD blowing out her candles.

I give up 😩

So now do you see why some of us said she’d moan whatever?!

Stop pandering to her.

Freddiefox · 01/09/2021 11:37

@mrshunta

Well we're planning on going to the zoo on Saturday with mum as DD's birthday is on Sunday (not Saturday ignore me) then go to mums on Sunday morning to do prezzies then to MIL After.

But mum still isn't happy and doesn't understand why I can just do it at my
House and everyone comes round. As she will miss DD blowing out her candles.

I give up 😩

You won’t please your mum, you are already making a big effort. She already activity involved in dd celebrations.

I don’t blame your husband to be honest. And it this was written the other way round you’d be told you have a dh problem and he was a mummy’s boy.

Your mum is being unreasonable, so leave her too it.

LittleOwl153 · 01/09/2021 11:47

Right given the update I'd make the zoo trip just the 3 of you. Your mum is going to see DD on her birthday as your MIL is. So in reality she has nothing to complain about - although I'm sure she will!!

Hummingbird1950 · 01/09/2021 11:50

YABU your DM sounds like a PITA.

Your family is your DH and DD now, your DM is secondary to that. Put your family first. You wouldn't like it if DH inflicted a miserable MIL on you all day, ruining it and wouldn't put you first.

Your DM was rude to invite herself, shows her character right there, polite people don't ask to come along to something they've heard about they wait to be invited. So have no worries about seeming rude back by saying she can't come. You can take DM to the zoo another time if you want to. Or do something with her another day to celebrate DD birthday.

You can't invite DM to MIL's either, that invitation would be for MIL to issue, not you. Don't ask MIL to invite DM either, that's as bad. Just respect that DM isn't invited.

Userg1234 · 01/09/2021 11:56

Wow some people actually need to read the op post.... both the op and DH think that dm is a fun sponge.

Who wants such a person in their lives. I know one who I get stuck with for a few hours a week. Doesn't want to do anything to improve their position, moans about how ill they are, but does nothing to sort it. It's depressing to be around.

Just stick to having her for a while not all day

ohthatbloodycat · 01/09/2021 11:59

I don't blame your husband, sorry! It's a special day and I wouldn't want it ruined by someone else's whinging.

AtticusHoysAnus · 01/09/2021 12:15

It's shitty to exclude her.

She won't be around for ever, include her.

Ourlady · 01/09/2021 12:18

Your Mum sounds like very hard work so it's understandable why your husband doesn't want to spend what should be a lovely family day at the zoo being a day with someone moaning all the way round.

I would tell your Mum your plans and say that's the way it is. Perhaps you can take a small cake to hers so she can see Dd blow out the candles.

Cocomarine · 01/09/2021 12:23

@AtticusHoysAnus

It's shitty to exclude her.

She won't be around for ever, include her.

How far do you take that though? You’re right her mum won’t be around forever - so should she move her in? Should we all move our mothers in with us?

You can decide to put up with the draining moaning regularly exactly because she won’t be around forever… but still exclude her from a day when you actually want to just enjoy a trip to the zoo with your child - and your husband does too.

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