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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

OH doesn't want my mum at DD's birthday

105 replies

mrshunta · 31/08/2021 21:12

Dd's birthday Saturday, we are planning on going to the zoo then back to MIL's after.
My mum wants to come but OH says she is draining.

Which she is I agree with him but I can't imagine she will be like that on her granddaughters birthday.

My mum is always complaining that she is ill, even though she isn't, she moved to closer to us and hates it and moans about it all the time.

So his reasons are valid but I will speak to her before we go.

AIBU to bring her?

OP posts:

LAgeDeRaisin · 31/08/2021 21:42

I think YABU. If MIL isnt invited to the zoo, and you will see your DM at MILs anyway, why does your DM have to come to the whole day? If she behaves poorly and ruins things just see her afterwards at MILs and go to the zoo just the immediate family. Why should your DH (or you) have to put up with her crap for the entirety of his DCs birthday?

TwinsandTrifle · 31/08/2021 21:46

You see DM before zoo. Just the three of you at the zoo. MIL after the zoo.

1forAll74 · 31/08/2021 21:52

Your Mother might like the Zoo, it will take her mind off things when she sees all the animals.. she might like the chimps. who sometimes shriek and squabble together, so she can give them a piece of her mind, and feel good about it.

Original poster

mrshunta · 31/08/2021 22:03

Mum wouldn't be able to get to MIL so she would have to come for the day, we are leaving early morning.

So I could do something else with her, but I know she will feel left out.

OP posts:

trumpisagit · 31/08/2021 22:07

Would she enjoy the zoo?
It sounds like a long day with someone who likes complaining.
With my Dad I find short chunks are better, especially if your DH finds her difficult, and you will want to be focused on your DD on her birthday.
I would plan something else with her, it can still be a celebration of your daughter's birthday.

user1471457751 · 31/08/2021 22:08

It's not leaving the mother out, the MIL isn't going to the zoo either.

DuckDuckGooses · 31/08/2021 22:10

Go see your DM the day after? If she has to come for the entire day and is in fact draining (as you've said she is!) it probably will put a downer on the day. The zoo is you, DH and DD. You're then seeing MIL after. Either see your mum after that or the day after!

TeeBee · 31/08/2021 22:35

Have you ever discussed her negative attitude with her? Is this a good time to broach it maybe?

Original poster

mrshunta · 31/08/2021 22:42

@TeeBee she wants to move back home after being here for 2 months, we are trying but can't speed the process up. However when she was living back in her hometown she was still complaining that she is mere existing.
So I can't win with her!

I'm guessing she would enjoy the zoo as she is always complaining that she doesn't get out enough. I will have to speak to her and see what she thinks.

OP posts:

NumberTheory · 01/09/2021 02:31

I'm guessing she would enjoy the zoo as she is always complaining that she doesn't get out enough. I will have to speak to her and see what she thinks.

Take her to the zoo for her own birthday. Don't inflict someone miserable on a day that's for someone else. How happy is your DD going to be if her grandmother is moaning and making everyone else feel down?

If your DM is soself-centered that she moans on about being ill when she isn't, why do you think this will be different on your DD's birthday? Is she really going to make the day better for your DD or is she going to make it more tiring for everyone else and so, most probably, make your DD's day less relaxed and less happy?

LaBellina · 01/09/2021 02:43

It’s unkind of your DH to want to exclude your DM but include his own.

I would make an arrangement for her to celebrate your DD’s too on Saturday, either at the Zoo or you meet her afterwards with your MIL at a cafe or something.

Newestname001 · 01/09/2021 02:51

I think the zoo with just you, DH and DD would probably be more relaxed and enjoyable, given how you describe your mother.

I agree, something separately, just you and DD on a date very close to the birthday. 🌹

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 01/09/2021 02:59

I don't think you have to see both mothers on the same day, just to be even. These are two individual women in and deserve to be treated as such, so it's fine imo to have plans with one but not the other. And you can't just invite her to mil's house for the 'after party' - that's up to mil!
In all honesty I wouldn't want to spend the whole day with someone who moans continuously. This is your dd's birthday, so her having the best day should be the sole focus, rather than the feelings of adults.
I do think your mum should get to see DD before her birthday, so she can wish her well/give her a present and be part of her birthday, but it doesn't actually have to be on the day itself if that doesn't suit family plans. So long as she gets to see you/DD a reasonable amount of time you don't have to squash it all in to the exclusion of what you want to do.

CutePanda · 01/09/2021 06:02

It your dm complains so much then she might put a dampener on your dd’s birthday, which will cause tension. Could you see her the day after? Just say that it’s going to be the 3 of you on dd’s birthday. You don’t need to see your dm and the in laws on dd's birthday. Your zoo trip will feel too rushed and your Dd will be too tired to socialise with so many people afterwards.

Balonzette · 01/09/2021 06:03

Either both mums are involved or neither are.

Balonzette · 01/09/2021 06:08

Saying that, I'd have a sharp word with mum beforehand.

Callmecordelia · 01/09/2021 06:18

I would think very carefully. If you insist on seeing both of them you are setting up a pattern that you might not want in the future.

Personally I'd say the zoo is for you, DH and your child, and then do something separately with each mum. It doesn't all have to be on the day, and as long as the time spent is equal I'd feel I'd been fair.

I have friends who don't ever have relaxed Christmases because they're dashing about making it fair to lots of relatives and running themselves ragged. It's great for everyone except them, and the children who just want to play with their presents. Just have a think about precedents....

Billandben444 · 01/09/2021 06:30

I'd tell your mum that it's just going to be the 3 of you at the zoo after all as you know her health isn't up to much and you wouldn't want the long day to make her poorly. Don't say anything about going to MIL's after (as she can't get there anyway) but tell her that you'd like to do something special with her and DD on the next day/Saturday/Sunday. Now is not the time to throw the moaning in her face - is she depressed do you think?

Disfordarkchocolate · 01/09/2021 06:34

If she comes will you spend the trip concentrating on her and not your daughter?

Will your daughter enjoy her trip out more without her there?

If the answer to either of these is yes don't ask her. Get her to call in at your on the evening instead. Your daughter comes first on her birthday.

Debetswell · 01/09/2021 06:41

Would your dm want a trip to the zoo?
I took my dc regularly. I'm a gp now and would be glad not to be asked.

timeisnotaline · 01/09/2021 06:45

Is his mum amazing and a delight to have around? Because I’d say ok have you cancelled the trip to your mums yet?

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 01/09/2021 06:56

maybe it's time to have a "chat" with your mother ...point out that she didn't like where she was, doesn't appear to like where she is now, generally has absolutely nothing good to say about anyone or anything and that maybe she might like to think about how that makes her and everyone else feel.

It doesn't have to be heated but sometimes things need spelling out.

GoodnightGrandma · 01/09/2021 06:58

[quote mrshunta]@TeeBee she wants to move back home after being here for 2 months, we are trying but can't speed the process up. However when she was living back in her hometown she was still complaining that she is mere existing.
So I can't win with her!

I'm guessing she would enjoy the zoo as she is always complaining that she doesn't get out enough. I will have to speak to her and see what she thinks.[/quote]
Some people complain no matter what. It seems to become all they do. Sounds like you mum might be one of those.

CovidCorvid · 01/09/2021 07:15

Have your mum round to yours for a “birthday tea” the day before.

TidyDancer · 01/09/2021 07:16

If he doesn't want your DM to see DD on her birthday, presumably he's already made steps to cancel your trip to MIL?

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