I feel really awkward and uncomfortable.

[MissingTheMountain]

DH's parents have decided in the last few months that if they disagree with something, they'll do it anyway and then say they didn't have a choice as we might have said no.

So far, the most annoying one has been turning up while we're working and sitting a foot away from us looking fed up. They aren't the type to entertain themselves. I have no idea why they're doing it unless it's to prove a point that they won't listen to us.

MIL is desperate to have a sort of baby shower for her friends. I'm not invited and don't mind her having one... but she wants to post about it on Facebook. We haven't announced on Facebook, for a multitude of reasons that she knows about. Family & friends know, but Facebook doesn't. They call weekly to complain about it. This morning they've called to say we are ruining their fun, and they'll announce it on Facebook for us if we haven't done it by Wednesday.

My big worry right now is that they disagree with everything we want to do. They don't want me to breastfeed, us to use slings, us to go to parenting groups. They did all of those things, but they feel that "with reflection" it would stop them from being able to have a good relationship with the baby. They keep talking about visiting daily and taking the baby out to lunch.

Usually, DH gets annoyed eventually, spells it out to them, they back off and it heals. But they're ignoring him this time, and just making veiled comments about how they don't know if he's going to be "mean" so they just don't ask him.

FIL also said on the phone this morning that he's got high blood pressure again, and it's worried DH that they are getting old, and he doesn't want to upset them. He's also concerned that his Dad has two other children that he cut off for some reason decades ago, and has never met their children. He talks often about how they shouldn't be told when he dies, and they're not in his will, etc.

I don't want to put DH in the middle, but the more they push, the less I feel comfortable around them. They did the same batshit stuff around our wedding. In the end, FIL told us not to tell them any details until a few days before to stop MIL from getting so upset and phoning up to change things...

I don't have family, I've very pleased our baby will have, and we used to get along really well. I feel like I go out of my way to make them feel involved, update them after every appointment, usually two phone calls and at least one meeting a week. I see them more than I see my friends. I've tried really hard to include them... But honestly, I feel like an incubator right now, I've started to dread the baby coming and them going mad. I quite like the idea of not telling them right now, but that'd be a horrendous position for DH to be in...

He says we're a team and he'll talk to them, but they seem to "forget" the next day now, and I'm worried about my mental health and my marriage if they keep this up.

I'm only up to page 4...

Have you got photos of your IL's? Give a clear picture of them to reception at work, to be pinned up where whoever is on reception can check it & not let them in.

Do they know your due date? I've seen it recommended to lie to intrusive rellies like this, either not telling them the date or making up a date which is after your due date, to stop them turning up & give you some peace.

If they do manage to talk their way past reception at your workplace, I'd announce to the receptionist in front of PIL "these are the stalkers I was telling you about, please escort them to the exit and don't let them into the building again".

Turning up to sit in at your workplace, uninvited and unwanted, is totally OTT.

As for FIL's BP; he's the one creating stress damaging to himself.

Tell the PILS if they EVER come to pester you at work again you will cut all contact with them. Meanwhile, tell Reception not to admit them.

Tell MIL if she announces your pregnancy on FB, you will block her , that's the end of FB contact and she won't be seeing all those baby pics.

They are being so extreme I think you have to respond the same way.

I’ve only read the first half of your OP so far and its made me feel claustrophobic. Your PIL are weird, YANBU. Make your DH set boundaries, NOW!

@Brogues

OMG. Don’t leave it to DH. Have a massive hormonal strop and tell them to fuck off.

I think this has to happen at some point unfortunately as like you've rightly said, your mental health and marriage won't survive if you don't. They're so awful two kids have jumped ship already, might be three if they keep this up. Your DH really had to pull himself together here too. Maybe show him this thread. Must be v hard for him having grown up with parents who can be difficult to the point of NC with existing other children (awful!) but it should stop now else your poor baby is yet another generation affected by it.

Your baby and pregnancy, you get to set the ground rules. Do want you want to do, not what they want to do. Set boundaries NOW! And if dh is worried about upsetting his parents, become the evil dil and set the rules yourself. If you don’t start now, your life won’t be your own.

WTAF did I just read

No way is any of this right. Your in laws are manipulative & plain nasty. The MIL having a baby shower of her own for your baby is enough to have any mother to be running for the hills, no way is that okay.

I'm another with brogues, throw a hormonal wobbly on them every time they play this shit

This has made me sick to my stomach; because I can tell you it’s going to be 1000% worse when the baby comes.

I would look at moving again. This is totally unacceptable and I feel claustrophobic just reading it.

You really don’t need this stress when your newborn arrives.

OP I am very sorry to inform you that your PIL are suffering with Narcissistic Unyielding Twit Syndrome commonly referred to as NUTS).

Sadly there is no cure for NUTS, but in all but the most severe cases, symptoms can be managed through a comprehensive treatment plan.

This includes a regular dose of reality that may have to be supplemented with a top up of fuck off during a bad flare up.

Your PIL should also be reminded to help themselves manage their condition by taking their medication promptly and without complaint.

If this treatment plan fails (ref: extreme cases) then stronger medication will be required.

This typically starts with an injection of final warning, that if not effective should be followed by (potentially repeated) enemas of restricted contact.

The last and final option once all other options have been unsuccessful is permanent separation surgery which sadly has a high risk of life long side effects including, but not confined to, sadness, loneliness and distress.

I would strongly advise you to make your PIL aware of their full treatment options/path as we have found that those in knowledge of the more impactful latter stage medications (and potential complications thereof) tend to have a higher success rate in effectively controlling their NUTS with only minimal doses of less painful and more easily administered medication.

Yours Kindly,

Dr. D. R. Mortis

There are so many boundaries being crossed OP - I mean serious boundaries.

You definitely need to nip it in the bud now.

I mean going to your place of work and just watching you!!!???
MIL wants a baby shower without you there!!?? She should just go to lunch with her mates.
Them announcing your pregnancy on FB when you have told them no!!!???

If you are regretting not moving, I would look into doing that ASAP - you meet so many people when you're on mat leave. How far away are you thinking of going?

Omg, this sounds awful. You need to establish clear boundaries straight away as things will get worse once baby arrives. Plus you mentioned you were going to move, but didn’t when they got upset…plan to move again asap. If they announce your pregnancy on social media when you have clearly told them not to, personally I wouldn’t ever speak to them again just for that. Reflect on why their other two children are cut out of their lives. They must’ve been the same to them before boundaries were introduced.
Their behaviour is not healthy and not what you want your child to experience at all. Don’t worry about upsetting them. Look after yourself and your mental well-being. Good luck.

I usually have some sympathy for in laws but this is completely bonkers.

Oh the irony op, your behaviour is based on evil dils on here pushing their poor in laws or out, or that's been your perception..

And now it seems you've managed to land yourself with absolutely atrocities

they sound nuts

Fake your own deaths and move far, far away.

Assuming this is real, stop being such a pair of bloody wet lettuces and get some fire in your belly. You need to be the voice of sanity and reason for your poor baby, otherwise you will be finding your child is being raised by a pair of frootloop crazy grandparents.

How on EARTH have you not put a stop to this frankly quite crackpot behaviour? I am rubbish at confrontation and my boundaries are pretty crap, but even I would be making it quite clear that this is MY baby, and their views are not relevant as I will be raising it as I see fit.

Turning up at work? Your colleagues must think you're mad too. Who allows that?!

Seriously, and I say this gently as I'm sure you're a bit fragile, you really need to get this sorted before your baby is born or you'll find you have totally lost any sort of parental control to them. And your husband needs to seek therapy to alleviate his FOG (fear, obligation and guilt).

She doesnt want you to breastfeed cos she can't take over from you then and not everyone can express.

She doesn't want you to use the sling cos baby will get used to it and she might not be able to use it.

This should be the happiest time for you - you are allowing them to ruin it cos you're too nice to speak up.

Don't.

So they are threatening you basically if you don’t toe the line.

This is bonkers .

Your body , your baby , your decisions.

I agree you need firm boundaries and let them know if they break them they will be seeing less of you all .

Best of luck.

Why on earth are you letting them in while you are working? Why aren’t you telling them to go away?
Both you and your husband are going to have to be more assertive and stand up to them and establish boundaries now before it escalates.

If they are going to post everything on Facebook, do not send them any baby pictures.
Do not tell them when you go into labour. Don’t even announce the birth until you feel comfortable to do so. I agree that you need to limit what you tell them, and only share what you will be happy to share with the whole world.

They are behaving like this because they can. Time now for both of you to put your big pants on and stand up to them.

Would they really carry through with posting on fb or are they just trying to manipulate you? You can turn off tagging for you and your dh in case she does. Then just pop up and say it's odd that she didn't invite you to your own baby shower and show her up for the baths it woman she is. You can also ask when she's dropping all the gifts off (I'm assuming she wants to set up her own nursery?

Batshit

"So far, the most annoying one has been turning up while we're working and sitting a foot away from us looking fed up."

And you both did nothing?

But you must both know that that's completely odd behaviour from them?

This is one of the weirdest things I've read on here. There's something really creepy and sinister about your ILS' behaviour, OP. It's like something out of a rather dark tv drama.

I also think you may have become rather used to it, but believe me, this is NOT normal.

Imo, you and your DH are going to have to be really firm and blunt with them, tell them that this is your baby, and as his/her parents, YOU are going to make all the decisions about feeding etc.

I'd also be telling them that you find their constant visits intrusive, and restrict them to one or two visits a week. And do what PP suggests about them coming to your workplace.

They are seriously weird. And I'd love to hear DH's siblings account of how & why their relationship with them broke down.

"They are seriously weird. And I'd love to hear DH's siblings account of how & why their relationship with them broke down."

I wondered if it was around the time they had their own kids?

Why does your husband still bother with them Op?

No GPs are better than shit Gps!

Blimey. My inlaws have been a bit overbearing at times: turning up on the doorstep with a cot that they'd decided we needed to have as it was "a bargain". We hadn't asked them to buy a cot and they hadn't offered to buy it at any point before that - no discussion had been had about purchase or choice of cot. Wasn't necessarily the colours we would have chosen so we then went along with having to buy any other nursery furniture to match the cot. Wish we hadn't done that in retrospect.

Turned up to our son's birthday party where I was very proud of my home made cake, with a big massive bought one "couldn't resist this - it was a bargain". They knew I was making a special home made one. We didn't even put their cake out on the table and if they'd have asked me why not I would have told them "because he's already got a birthday cake!!".

Insisted that they didn't need to use the baby monitor we use to take whenever they had DS over night (hardly ever, because she used pillows "as mine did, and slept better", despite me saying they were no long advised). Apparently they'd hear him wake up. We got there one Sunday morning and they told me he was having a nap and there hadn't been a peep out of him (they were well out of earshot of the bedroom). I went upstairs and DS was in standing in his cot looking bewildered looking like he'd been awake a while. I often wonder how long he'd been shouting for someone to come.

Bought Easter eggs for any child around 3 months old. I used to take them and say "Thanks" and then eat them myself but now I'm older and more assertive I think I should have just said "thanks for thinking of him but he's too young for such sugary foods".

Give them a snack right before their meal time if we were in their house and when I said "oh but they won't eat their tea now", they'd just say "oh they will!". And because I know them best, of course, they fussed over their tea then, and all the inlaws could say was "oh, I don't think he likes it".

THAT'S overbearing behaviour.

But yours is a whole other level of batshit craziness. You are going to have to be a whole lot firmer and much more straight the point. No niceties, no beating around the bush, or hoping they'll take the hint. TELL IT TO THEM STRAIGHT:

"No, I'm working and will be for another few hours. It's not a convenient time so please can you go home and I'll see you on X day that's mutually convenient."

"Oh, but we came all this way especially to see you....."

"That was your choice, but it wasn't a wise one, or one that fit in with my plans."

"Oh, well, we're here now.....we may as well wait."

"No, it's not convenient, please leave."

"But our bus isn't for another 45 mins, and it's raining so best we stay here. FIL's chest isn't too good."

"There's a coffee shop next door if you want go go there. Bye." Walk to the door and hold it open.

It's the only way with people either so obtuse or so rude.

It's hard if you've been brought up to deal with others with good manners and good grace because it feels so rude and confrontational to be so blunt. But that's probably because you've only been dealing with others who are as well-mannered and gracious as you. Now you've come across 2 very ill-mannered and rude people you're going to have to change tack, I'm afraid.

Batshit. You have been an utter doormat OP. Grow some ovaries!