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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I feel really awkward and uncomfortable.

299 replies

MissingTheMountain · 31/08/2021 12:27

DH's parents have decided in the last few months that if they disagree with something, they'll do it anyway and then say they didn't have a choice as we might have said no.

So far, the most annoying one has been turning up while we're working and sitting a foot away from us looking fed up. They aren't the type to entertain themselves. I have no idea why they're doing it unless it's to prove a point that they won't listen to us.

MIL is desperate to have a sort of baby shower for her friends. I'm not invited and don't mind her having one... but she wants to post about it on Facebook. We haven't announced on Facebook, for a multitude of reasons that she knows about. Family & friends know, but Facebook doesn't. They call weekly to complain about it. This morning they've called to say we are ruining their fun, and they'll announce it on Facebook for us if we haven't done it by Wednesday.

My big worry right now is that they disagree with everything we want to do. They don't want me to breastfeed, us to use slings, us to go to parenting groups. They did all of those things, but they feel that "with reflection" it would stop them from being able to have a good relationship with the baby. They keep talking about visiting daily and taking the baby out to lunch.

Usually, DH gets annoyed eventually, spells it out to them, they back off and it heals. But they're ignoring him this time, and just making veiled comments about how they don't know if he's going to be "mean" so they just don't ask him.

FIL also said on the phone this morning that he's got high blood pressure again, and it's worried DH that they are getting old, and he doesn't want to upset them. He's also concerned that his Dad has two other children that he cut off for some reason decades ago, and has never met their children. He talks often about how they shouldn't be told when he dies, and they're not in his will, etc.

I don't want to put DH in the middle, but the more they push, the less I feel comfortable around them. They did the same batshit stuff around our wedding. In the end, FIL told us not to tell them any details until a few days before to stop MIL from getting so upset and phoning up to change things...

I don't have family, I've very pleased our baby will have, and we used to get along really well. I feel like I go out of my way to make them feel involved, update them after every appointment, usually two phone calls and at least one meeting a week. I see them more than I see my friends. I've tried really hard to include them... But honestly, I feel like an incubator right now, I've started to dread the baby coming and them going mad. I quite like the idea of not telling them right now, but that'd be a horrendous position for DH to be in...

He says we're a team and he'll talk to them, but they seem to "forget" the next day now, and I'm worried about my mental health and my marriage if they keep this up.

OP posts:
Hummingbird1950 · 31/08/2021 15:08

started going back to a co-working space locally, and the last few times they've come there. You can have meetings there, so Reception bring them up... I have no idea how they found I was there.

That's stalking OP. You need to recognise how totally batshit crazy their behaviour really is.

Re reading the first post, I think it's already started driving a wedge between you and your DC before it's even born! All that talk about them deciding when you'll announce it on Facebook and not inviting you to the baby shower, telling you how to parent eg no breastfeeding and no sling both of which are things that bond mother and baby. TBH I wouldn't even be giving them my DC to hold for 30 seconds, for fear they'd refuse to hand DC back. There's nothing subtle or sly about their behaviour, they're openly waving huge red flags in your face.

sub453 · 31/08/2021 15:09

I would hate a baby shower so it wouldn't bother me if my in laws had one. Perhaps their friends want to celebrate their first grandchild (assuming it is). A little weird but I'd leave them to it.

As for the rest, completely unreasonable (including the FB announcement). Agree with everyone else, you have to put your foot down now before it gets any worse. I'm guessing you wrote it, read it back and couldn't believe how ridiculous it sounds when you listed everything they've done.

No doubt an imminent house move isn't practical but I think you'll have to threaten limited contact unless they start respecting your choices and boundaries. For your own sanity.

CallmeHendricks · 31/08/2021 15:12

When your dh says they're getting old, what sort of age are you talking?

Horriblewoman · 31/08/2021 15:12

This is next level madness.

I can't believe you're trying to normalise it. They turn up at your place of work and wait until they're let in? What do they do once they're there? Why are they there?!!?

Why on earth should they get any say in whether you breastfeed or use a sling or go to meet ups?

I want to squirrel you away under the cover of darkness and gift you a new life where they can't find you!

LannieDuck · 31/08/2021 15:16

I feel like I go out of my way to make them feel involved, update them after every appointment, usually two phone calls and at least one meeting a week. I see them more than I see my friends.

I think you've been too accommodating. They feel entitled to your time because you've always given them so much of it. They no longer value it.

You need to reset the balance - have all communication go through your DH from now on (claim you need more time and space during the pregnancy, so he's taking on all communication with family around the baby), and if he doesn't bother then he doesn't bother. But it's up to him.

No phone calls, and maybe one meeting a week if they haven't gate-crashed your office.

If they do gate-crash your office, you have my permission to be absolutely outraged at how completely inappropriate that is and whisper forcefully sotto voce that they need to leave right now before they embarrass you any further. Or yes, get reception to decline all visitors, which will be more tactful :)

As for how you parent baby, well that's up to you. Stop discussing it with them. They don't need to give an opinion on whether you should breastfeed.

lannistunut · 31/08/2021 15:18

The first two times were at home... after that, I started going back to a co-working space locally, and the last few times they've come there. You can have meetings there, so Reception bring them up... I have no idea how they found I was there.

Stop and read that back OP - this so far beyond normal, this is completely unacceptable. If you ask them not to do this, and they don't stop, IMO it would be classed as harassment. Turning up at your workplace for no reason when asked not to is harassment.

These people are very seriously over the line.

I have no idea how you deal with it but YANBU at all, other than you are not being tough enough and you are getting worn down into thinking any of this is normal.

Dsisproblem · 31/08/2021 15:21

I cannot get past her having a baby shower you're not invited to. They are batshit.

I honestly think you have a DH problem. He should be dealing with this, not you.

Iputthetrampintrampoline · 31/08/2021 15:25

I would be sitting down with dh tonight and telling him that your marriage is on the line here and that you areready to be a single parent if needs be.if this doesnt sort him intoaction with these two dipsticks then nothing will and you and baby willbe better off alone, I have never read something on here so utterly bat shit before.Op fight for YOU. If you dont you will never have a moments peace and your life when baby gets here will not be worth living.

thelastgoldeneagle · 31/08/2021 15:26

Tell them both to fuck off. This is your baby, not theirs. They have zero rights to see the baby. You will parent your way and if they don't like it then they can get lost. Tell them that they will never see the baby if they carry on like this.

They sound insufferable.

ejhhhhh · 31/08/2021 15:35

I think you're going to need to be very firm, if your DH can't sort it, as others have said, you're going to need to lose your shit. Turning up at your place if work is completely crazy. If the Reception keep bringing them up, it sounds like you actually might be better going back to WFH, but don't let them in. If they have keys, change the locks. Don't ring them about all of your appointments, and don't see them weekly. There's no need, and it seems like they're way to involved in your life. Heck, it sounds like they want to actually be in control of parenting your baby, and they don't sound like they're being very nice. Therefore, you don't owe them any pleasantries, and I know you said it'll be nice for your baby to have family, but do you really want this family to be these people? If they're this controlling now, how will they behave around a child? I think you need to get lots of distance between them, by whatever means possible.

godmum56 · 31/08/2021 15:36

" He's also concerned that his Dad has two other children that he cut off for some reason decades ago"

no shit Sherlock?

burritofan · 31/08/2021 15:37

"with reflection", they are lunatics. This is one of the worst boundary-pushing threads I’ve read on here. They’ve really done a number on you to get you questioning whether you’re allowed to push back. JFC.

Too late to not tell them about the pregnancy, but you can absolutely stay silent on the due date, you going into labour (do NOT update them!), the birth. Seriously, don’t tell them straight away: they’ll be in hospital staring at you getting stitched up, or trying to sabotage breastfeeding. Buy yourself time to establish feeding before they come anywhere near you. Although tbh I’d be inclined to never ever see these crazies again.

1forAll74 · 31/08/2021 15:40

What kind of people are you dealing with here. They all seem very closed in on life, and rely on tittle tattle of all sorts , and to make things worse, put stuff of FB. I don't know if you can stop them or ignore all this stupid behaviour, but I would definitely tell them that they are very annoying and very irritating, and that you are going to ignore most of what they say.

Oogachuckachopsy · 31/08/2021 15:44

This is about as far from normal as you can get. Jesus fucking Christ.

You have got to make this stop. Or rather, your husband does. Fucking hell.

CallmeHendricks · 31/08/2021 15:45

I think you'd be well within your rights to tell them that if they dare to post a pregnancy announcement on your behalf on FB, they can kiss goodbye to even seeing your baby when it's born.

BessMarvin · 31/08/2021 15:46

Definitely do not tell them when you go into labour!

You will be the one to suffer the worst of this, not your dh. You'll be the one at home with the baby, trying to bf etc, you need him on your side telling them to back off.

Jent13c · 31/08/2021 15:46

1 in 3 adults have high blood pressure. Thats really no reason for your DH to be allowing them to call the shots because of how elderly and frail they are. It is incredibly telling that his other siblings are NC.

My DF had a senior management job and is incredibly used to telling people what to do and they fall at his feet to get it done. I think I was born just to wind him up as the way he expects me to jump to his every whim just makes me pull away and do the exact opposite. I never Facebook announced my second and he sat me down multiple times to say how difficult it was for him to be unable to make a post about it to all his friends. I really struggled to keep a straight face during that conversation. With my first they got fed up of waiting as I was overdue so decided to come visit (300 miles) when I was 41 weeks pregnant, without asking whether that worked for us...they just showed up on my door. I didn't tell them I was getting induced thr next day because I was scared it would go on for days so I had to sheepishly phone them the day after they had driven all the way home to tell them the baby had arrived. They found breastfeeding quite abhorrent and stated that it really affected how they could bond with the baby. In reality they barely made the effort to see the kids and for a long time were grandparents in name only, though you wouldn't guess that from the many glowing fb posts. I've found it very difficult and only how the kids are getting older are they starting to bond with them and spend more time with them. I think you honestly just have to set your boundaries, if they are butting in abiut parenting decisions you make then stop involving them in the conversation. Dont allow their opinions on how you should parent to become a negative thought at such a happy time. Your DH while hw sounds supportive needs to stand up and make decisions to support his wife and child not out of a sense of guilt to his unhinged parents.

Hummingbird1950 · 31/08/2021 15:53

maximum of three visits a week once baby has arrived

They're not even my PIL but my soul shriveled up reading this. OP I'd go with one visit quarterly (no overnight stays). Given you're probably going to be stressed for one week prior to their visit and spend one week recovering from that stress after their visit, that's potentially 8 weeks (minimum) per year that you're going to be stressed because of these people. That's plenty.

PrincessNutella · 31/08/2021 15:54

Are they even for real? The whole situation sounds insane!

AppaTheSixLeggedFlyingBison · 31/08/2021 15:55

She wants to have a baby shower....... Without the expectant mother! Her friends must think she's quackers

PyjamaFan · 31/08/2021 15:55

@Hummingbird1950

I agree. Three visits a week is nuts.

aModernClassic · 31/08/2021 15:57

@frogswimming

Tell your co working space reception that you're not expecting any visitors and to say you're not available.
This. It's unprofessional to have them just turn up. If they still turn up, I think you need to tell them that it will look bad on you having relative turn up at your workplace. If you're home - lock all doors and don't answer when the doorbell goes.
tickledtiger · 31/08/2021 15:58

You must be exaggerating op, nobody can be this annoying.

Also… a baby shower for your baby, without you!?Hmm

Wishihadanalgorithm · 31/08/2021 16:03

Seriously you need to move away from them and not tell them your address.

If they turn up at work then police are called because they are stalking you.

If this isn’t clear case of No Contact, I don’t know what is.

Please get your house on the market and tell them to stay away.

Osrie · 31/08/2021 16:03

I’m sorry to say this verges me on getting an injunction against them! It is in no way normal and sounds like it will get worse once baby arrives. Can you call on the other siblings for reinforcement?