I feel really awkward and uncomfortable.

[MissingTheMountain]

DH's parents have decided in the last few months that if they disagree with something, they'll do it anyway and then say they didn't have a choice as we might have said no.

So far, the most annoying one has been turning up while we're working and sitting a foot away from us looking fed up. They aren't the type to entertain themselves. I have no idea why they're doing it unless it's to prove a point that they won't listen to us.

MIL is desperate to have a sort of baby shower for her friends. I'm not invited and don't mind her having one... but she wants to post about it on Facebook. We haven't announced on Facebook, for a multitude of reasons that she knows about. Family & friends know, but Facebook doesn't. They call weekly to complain about it. This morning they've called to say we are ruining their fun, and they'll announce it on Facebook for us if we haven't done it by Wednesday.

My big worry right now is that they disagree with everything we want to do. They don't want me to breastfeed, us to use slings, us to go to parenting groups. They did all of those things, but they feel that "with reflection" it would stop them from being able to have a good relationship with the baby. They keep talking about visiting daily and taking the baby out to lunch.

Usually, DH gets annoyed eventually, spells it out to them, they back off and it heals. But they're ignoring him this time, and just making veiled comments about how they don't know if he's going to be "mean" so they just don't ask him.

FIL also said on the phone this morning that he's got high blood pressure again, and it's worried DH that they are getting old, and he doesn't want to upset them. He's also concerned that his Dad has two other children that he cut off for some reason decades ago, and has never met their children. He talks often about how they shouldn't be told when he dies, and they're not in his will, etc.

I don't want to put DH in the middle, but the more they push, the less I feel comfortable around them. They did the same batshit stuff around our wedding. In the end, FIL told us not to tell them any details until a few days before to stop MIL from getting so upset and phoning up to change things...

I don't have family, I've very pleased our baby will have, and we used to get along really well. I feel like I go out of my way to make them feel involved, update them after every appointment, usually two phone calls and at least one meeting a week. I see them more than I see my friends. I've tried really hard to include them... But honestly, I feel like an incubator right now, I've started to dread the baby coming and them going mad. I quite like the idea of not telling them right now, but that'd be a horrendous position for DH to be in...

He says we're a team and he'll talk to them, but they seem to "forget" the next day now, and I'm worried about my mental health and my marriage if they keep this up.

They’re not your parents. You don’t have to listen to their advice or respect their views. Smile, be polite, reduce contact. Be very clear about consequences…

Jesus, I feel horribly anxious reading your post, OP. How are you putting up with any of this?!
I would have informed them of the fact that all of this batshittery now actually means they won't be having any type of relationship with the baby at all! Run, Forrest, run.

I was you OP over a decade ago. Even down to the turning up whilst I was on mat leave before baby arrived. (then just sat staring at bump with no conversation)

It was their expectations that were the problem, they thought we'd all raise the children together. That they could pop in daily. (when I had seen then once a month before.)

It didn't affect DH, he was working.
DH attempted to sit on the fence, he'd tackle problems, but only by making me the bad cop. To be fair they were very manipulative, hysterical crying etc.

When I tried putting a coat on and saying I was going out "Well we are just arriving" walk past me into house!

None of it ended well and they see the children about 4 times a year.

For those saying go mad, it's very difficult when you are in that position. It's so fucking crazy, you think it must be you, it's very intense when you're vulnerable/knackered from having a baby.

Move house OP, far enough that they can't pop in, or you will end up hiding in your own home like I did. Plus they'll rip your marriage apart.

As for your access to your home YES put the chain on your doors and keep them on when answering. If they have keys then change the locks - without pre-warning them.

This. If they throw a strop, say you would have told them but they might have said no !!

The issue with people like this is that they rely on your politeness, vulnerability, sheer inability to say no. It doesn't matter if they can see you're unhappy or uncomfortable. It doesn't matter if you reasonably list all the reasons why their behaviour is unacceptable. They have no boundaries and will carry on doing this until you are assertive enough to put a stop to it. Only you can do this.

At this stage why do you even care about upsetting them? They have shown you no respect. And it will get so much worse when your baby arrives and they take over completely. It's not often a thread on here makes me feel anxious but this one has because I can see where it's going.

Please stop being so passive and take control. Be rude if you have to. But be strong.

Been in your shoes, batshit controlling grandparents who told me I was selfish to breastfeed, wanted me to move into their house and give birth in their local hospital, turned up unannounced when I stopped taking their calls, and tried to lure my toddler into their car
An absolute horror fest and twenty years on I still feel my chest tighten when I recall their behaviour
Please set your boundaries and stick to them OP

Ultimately this situation will implode and you’ll end up NC and possibly even being taken to court, emigrating will actually be the easier way to manage them.

I’m a bit baffled as to what the reason would be to take the OP and her DH to court. The law is fairly clear on access for grandparents - they have no rights of access whatsoever and parents are within their rights to deny access for any reason - including inappropriate interference, which this most definitely is. I would have thought it’s the grandparents who are likely to end up in trouble, if anything. I have a horrible feeling that this will get worse when the baby arrives. It’s stalking behaviour and the only way to stop it is to either move away out of their reach, or get a court order to keep them away.

The right to take parents to court is there, they have to prove it and with gp like this you know they will try it and will say/do anything to get there.

I know the courts can dismiss an application but it has to get to a hearing to do that and it will be a slow and extremely stressful process

There is no dealing with people like this.

You have to break away completely.

Your husband (for once) needs to read this thread

OP, I’ve just RTFT and the responses are unanimous (a rare thing on MN) that you either need to move away or stand up to PIL and put an end to their, frankly, beyond batshit behaviour.

These people are basically trying to stop you from bonding with your baby - running interference on breastfeeding, using a sling, and anything else that stops them having unlimited access. And trust me, you think it’s bad now, wait til the baby comes - I’ll lay a pound to a penny that they already have a completely kitted out nursery set up in their home, or will have by the time the child is born.

So FIL has two other children who are NC ? Not sure, but assuming from your wording that these are not MIL’s children. You mentioned that FIL tried to limit MIL’s interference in your wedding plans, so he obviously has some insight into what’s going on. I may be wrong, but I do wonder whether she is the driving force behind things and FIL is too weak to stand up to her, so ends up enabling her behaviour - which is the real reason for NC with the other two children. They obviously don’t want you to know that, so FIL sticks to the ‘I’ve cut them off’ story. There could well be a whole pattern of behaviour here that you and DH don’t know about - see what you’re up against ?.

Is there any way that your DH could try to trace and contact the other two children - FB or similar ? I think if you were to talk to them you may find that the reason for NC is something very similar to your own situation - cutting off one child is a red flag in itself, but two should set the alarm bells ringing. They can’t both be wrong.

Whatever the reasoning behind their behaviour, you and your DH can’t continue to be wishy-washy in dealing with it - and your DH needs to grow a pair, stand up to his parents and back you up. You need to present a united front, set boundaries and stick to them. No more unannounced visits - you expect to be left in peace to bond with your baby and YOU will let THEM know when it’s appropriate to visit and how long they stay, not the other way around. YOU, not THEY decide what’s best for your baby and you won’t stand for any interference with how you feed, nurse, or anything else. Crystal clear that if they turn up without prior agreement, you won’t be answering the door. If they turn up at your work, you’ll have them escorted off the premises. If they insist on trying to force the issue, they won’t be seeing their grandchild. It sounds really harsh, but I think, short of emigrating or obtaining a court order to keep them away, it’s your only option.

@MzHz. It’s my understanding from a similar family issue, that grandparents can only apply to the court for access if they already have parental rights to the child - in other words if at some point, past or present, the parents have voluntarily placed the child in their care, or the courts have awarded temporary custody.

[quote Rosscameasdoody]@MzHz. It’s my understanding from a similar family issue, that grandparents can only apply to the court for access if they already have parental rights to the child - in other words if at some point, past or present, the parents have voluntarily placed the child in their care, or the courts have awarded temporary custody.[/quote]
My understanding is that grandparents can take the parents to court for access if they've had a particularly close relationship, such as looking after the kids several times a week while the parents work. In those circumstances, ending the relationship with the grandparents can be damaging to the child and that's when the courts might allow visiting rights to the GPs.
That's my understanding, anyway.

“We don’t parent by committee!”

Rinse, repeat.

Strong boundaries now, or better yet, move and don’t tell them where to!

@JesusIsAnyNameFree. Sorry, should have been more specific, you’re right - voluntary placement includes child care. Family member went through a similar thing to the OP, but not nearly as extreme. The GP’s were denied access for reasons I won’t go into here - applied to the courts but decision went against them because they’d had no significant contact with the child. Hopefully any similar action from the OP’s PIL would end the same way.

@Rosscameasdoody

Definitely. If OP doesn't go NC with these odious people, she at least needs to make sure she never lets them do child care/see the child more than once in a while to prevent the courts giving them access.

@PepsiHoover

Pack up, move house and don't tell them. Because they would have only said no.

This. They are crazy and things will only get worse.

[quote JesusIsAnyNameFree]@Rosscameasdoody

Definitely. If OP doesn't go NC with these odious people, she at least needs to make sure she never lets them do child care/see the child more than once in a while to prevent the courts giving them access.[/quote]
That’s a really important point, well made. The interference will ramp up once the baby comes and there’ll be the temptation to give in just for a quiet life - giving them the ammunition they need. Even more reason to just go NC IMO.

I’m guessing from your post, OP, that this behaviour has manifested itself in sharp focus since you told them you were pregnant? It sounds as if they have become completely obsessed with the forthcoming baby. But they have for this kind of behaviour, too, as demonstrated at your wedding.

You and your H need strategies NOW tow address this. I’d start with a number of responses to their comments such as …

I don’t think you should use a sling.
Oh, that’s interesting, but we’ll be making the decision about that.

You shouldn’t go to parenting groups etc
That’s something we’ll be deciding on, as the parents.

You don’t need to be breastfeeding.
Yes, we do, and that’s our decision and no one else’s.

You shouldn’t be doing [insert activity, action etc]
That’s a decision for us to make, as the parents.

And repeat. Every time they say something that contradicts your own plans or views. Don’t enter any discussion. Say ‘it’s not up for discussion’ if they try and debate it.

I’d also stop sharing so much information with them. Don’t tell them about the various appointments etc. If they ask how they went, just say fine, thank you, and change the subject.

You BOTH have to step up and put these boundaries I place now if anything is going to change. And I think you need to be prepared for some harder decisions if they don’t back off.

Keep checking back in case you've updated OP.

I really really hope these replies have shown you just how very seriously you (and your DH) need to take this.

For the sake of your sanity and your child's safety.

It will be more healthy for your child to have no grandparents than people like this in their lives.

Strong boundaries need to be set ASAP.

Agree with other posters that two other children going NC with your PILs is a huge red flag. I agree too that this could really impact your marriage. Controlling their bullying and domination is his job - if you do it, they'll simply decide that you're the horrible one and they'll dripfeed this to your children down the years.

Most people who have parents who have their best interests at heart. Who can see, at a fundamental level, what those interests are. Who promote those interests. (Sometimes in an awkward, irritating or misplaced manner but the intention is usually good).

Neither you nor your DH do.

So you need to hold your own best interests at heart, prioritise them, promote them, put yourself and your own wellbeing first.

That doesn't mean being selfish. It means looking after yourself, keeping yourselves healthy and functional. Making yourselves the sorts of people who are capable of looking after others, of putting their interests first and protecting them, when needed. The sorts of people capable of being gracious and generous without loss to yourselves.

You cannot make him do that for himself. You can do it for yourself.

Argh. 'Most people have parents who have their best interests at heart'.

That is, both things are usually true.

By the way, it’s absolutely not “RUDE” to demand safety (emotional and physical) and respect for your own boundaries - anywhere, any time. Your DH is a jellyfish. Tell them to fuck right off.