I feel really awkward and uncomfortable.

[MissingTheMountain]

DH's parents have decided in the last few months that if they disagree with something, they'll do it anyway and then say they didn't have a choice as we might have said no.

So far, the most annoying one has been turning up while we're working and sitting a foot away from us looking fed up. They aren't the type to entertain themselves. I have no idea why they're doing it unless it's to prove a point that they won't listen to us.

MIL is desperate to have a sort of baby shower for her friends. I'm not invited and don't mind her having one... but she wants to post about it on Facebook. We haven't announced on Facebook, for a multitude of reasons that she knows about. Family & friends know, but Facebook doesn't. They call weekly to complain about it. This morning they've called to say we are ruining their fun, and they'll announce it on Facebook for us if we haven't done it by Wednesday.

My big worry right now is that they disagree with everything we want to do. They don't want me to breastfeed, us to use slings, us to go to parenting groups. They did all of those things, but they feel that "with reflection" it would stop them from being able to have a good relationship with the baby. They keep talking about visiting daily and taking the baby out to lunch.

Usually, DH gets annoyed eventually, spells it out to them, they back off and it heals. But they're ignoring him this time, and just making veiled comments about how they don't know if he's going to be "mean" so they just don't ask him.

FIL also said on the phone this morning that he's got high blood pressure again, and it's worried DH that they are getting old, and he doesn't want to upset them. He's also concerned that his Dad has two other children that he cut off for some reason decades ago, and has never met their children. He talks often about how they shouldn't be told when he dies, and they're not in his will, etc.

I don't want to put DH in the middle, but the more they push, the less I feel comfortable around them. They did the same batshit stuff around our wedding. In the end, FIL told us not to tell them any details until a few days before to stop MIL from getting so upset and phoning up to change things...

I don't have family, I've very pleased our baby will have, and we used to get along really well. I feel like I go out of my way to make them feel involved, update them after every appointment, usually two phone calls and at least one meeting a week. I see them more than I see my friends. I've tried really hard to include them... But honestly, I feel like an incubator right now, I've started to dread the baby coming and them going mad. I quite like the idea of not telling them right now, but that'd be a horrendous position for DH to be in...

He says we're a team and he'll talk to them, but they seem to "forget" the next day now, and I'm worried about my mental health and my marriage if they keep this up.

I'd leave my DH if he was putting up with this abusive, blackmailing bullshit and not protecting me and his child from it.

This is the most awful in laws post I've ever read.

Those people would never be allowed near any child of mine.

I really feel for you OP. Can you write them a letter and let them know how it's making you feel? Say you want them to have the relationship with their grandchild, but right now, carrying on the way they are acting, they are going to have no relationship with them?

What @ReginaaPhalange said ^.

It is extraordinary behaviour from your in-laws, OP, particularly them going to your official offsite place of business. Yes please DO tell Reception not to let them in and to also warn Security they need to be escorted off the premises.

As for your access to your home YES put the chain on your doors and keep them on when answering. If they have keys then change the locks - without pre-warning them.

You and your husband need to talk about this honestly and both of you very strongly tell his parents what they are doing to YOUR family. If you wait until the baby's arrival their behaviour will be so much worse. Can you not imagine them barging into the delivery room at the hospital?

Time to toughen up, both of you and put both these manipulative people firmly in their place.

Good luck - sounds like you will need it. 🌹

You absolutely need to get this sorted now.

Its utterly inappropriate for your DH to invite them in, then go back to HIS work leaving you uncomfortable and having to deal with them.

When baby is born you'll absolutely want your privacy.

You'll be establishing feeding and will want baby in your arms, not trying to fend off your in-laws or trying to feed discreetly as they stare at you and make comments about formula.

You need to agree ground rules now.

They do not come round to your work. Reception have been told not to let them in.

If they come to the house without prior agreement you will not let them in.

If they stand outside ringing the doorbell etc that's harassment and you'll call the police if necessary.

When the baby is born they can come for short (30 min) visits twice a week at your convenience. If they try to overstay their welcome or make you feel uncomfortable by "dominating" then baby or criticising you in any way the next visit is cancelled.

FIL has already lost relationships with two children (and reading from what you've posted MIL is driving the behaviour and he's enabling it) and he'll lose another if he doesn't reign her in.

Your DH needs to have a very, very clear conversation with them about behaviour and consequences and stick to what he says.

The fact is you won't be able to put up with this (nor should you) for the next 10 years plus. So if he sees his future being with you and your baby he needs to protect you from their bat shit behaviour.

How are they even managing to access your workplace? They're not insured to be on the premises.

@OfNick

Huh? MIL wants a baby shower for YOUR baby and you're not invited? 🤔

Yes, that is very odd!!

Turning up to work....huge no no. It brings up all sorts of confidentiality issues. Why the hell did Reception let them in without asking your permission? Tell them and Reception under no circumstances are they allowed in the building.

Chain across the door at home when opening the door. Close it in their face if you don't want them there.
Block on all social media, and i would also block them on your phone only unblock them when you are happy to speak to them.

Also tell your husband how serious you are about this and it's putting a strain on your marriage.

My theory is when one person (PILs) falls out with/is no contact with 'others', they others can't all be wrong.

If you argue with them about breastfeeding or slings it will only perpetuate their belief that you need their permission for independent decisions. Breastfeed while she kicks off. Use a sling while she kicks off.

@burritofan

Ironically we are looking at moving house, but MIL keeps mentioning that they'll move closer to us and I think they'd probably follow us wherever we went. In your circumstances I would quite honestly move far away, not tell them where – not even tell them that you are. No sign outside the house; no Rightmove, get the agent to market it through their mailing list – not tell them at all. Just disappear. No social media, no internet presence, not even on work pages – you can make sure HR doesn’t put you anywhere on a website. New jobs, new home, nothing to allow them to hunt you down.

I agree. The fact they feel no need to hide their massive sense of entitlement is very frightening. You've been getting on well with them OP because you've been bending over backwards to accommodate them. It's well known that abuse (generally by your partner) often starts upon marriage or during pregnancy, when the abusive one thinks they've got a hold over you (or in this case possibly because they sense their son's priority moving away from them and onto you/baby (as it should be).

I think they want to effectively steal the baby, to maintain their hold over you/DH. The baby shower where you're not invited isn't fine purely because of it's oddness, I bet they've got a nursery. Trying to prevent you bonding properly with baby is fucked up. They're not even being passive aggressive and sulking etc, they're straight up telling you how it's going to be, it's terrifying, they're not going to like being told No. Isolating you from others by taking up all your time and energy with their phone calls and visits, drip drip dripping their poison into your ear until you're questioning your own gut instinct which is screaming at you to RUN. Wanting to visit every day to take baby out for lunch, you just know they're going to push for overnight stays ASAP, all dressed up as concern for your wellbeing and a chance for you to rest. Any hint of you not complying you'll be gaslit and it will be put down to your mental health (even if you have no MH problems!).

I wouldn't want them in my life at all. My own experience of overbearing people is that I was stressed for 3 weeks prior and 3 weeks following each visit, so I lost 3 months of every year to stress, due to their twice a year visits. And that situation was nowhere near as bad as this.

In your circumstances I'd say you're headed for a mental breakdown once baby arrives if you're not careful. I'd make a list of boundaries you've decided in advance, then print this thread and glue the whole lot somewhere prominent, to help you stay on track when they're attempting to take advantage of your sleep-deprived new-parent vulnerability.

I'd also only converse with them by text or email so you have a 'paper trail'

Then if they try any social media bollocks or lying to others about your behaviour you have proof they're the crazy ones.

I'd also consider a restraining order if they come to your home/place of work without permission again.

The word Stalker appeared above just as I was thinking it. How bloody weird. Unfortunately you will have to spell it out to them in capital letters cos they sound incredibly disrespectful. Hope it all works out I really do.

Do they have nothing going on in their own lives so feel the need to shoehorn their way into yours?

Why is this so complicated?
Go LC or NC with them. If DH wants to see them fine, he can go visit them alone, or if they are coming to your house you could go out for the day/stay in your bedroom or tell him they are no longer welcome and he can make alternative arrangements with them on his own
If you still want to be in contact let them crack on with whatever BUT you dont need to agree to anything or accept things you dont like. If they try to impose their ideas, just say nothing/no response/blank them or reply with "That's our decision to make" every single time
Of course best case scenario will be to throw a major "Fuck off / Back off" tantrum and get them to STFU for good!

A possible danger of all of this is that it causes the breakdown of your marriage.
Ideally it would be DH that would go to his parents’ house, sitting down with them and explaining that their behaviour is unacceptable, out of the ordinary and it’s a problem for him (without bringing you into it as much as possible).
Otherwise you could end up fighting this battle on maternity leave and it’ll be mainly you coping with them on top of being a new mum. You sound like you’re trying to be nice and reasonable and they’re taking advantage of this, so how about withdrawing from them as much as possible? Be unavailable to them, even when in the same room. Keep conversation to a minimum and stop including them on the updates. If they start to back off, reward them by flipping the switch and going back to being friendly. Basically, see if you can retrain them. Don’t be afraid to seem like the “bad guy”. You’re entitled to live your life and parent the way you want to.

Please excuse the language but what the fuck? What the fucking fucking fuck? Your baby does not want, need or deserve grandparents like this. Protect her from them.

@OP. Mil doesn’t want you to breastfeed so baby won’t be attached to you all the time and you won’t have any excuse not to hand them over whenever they want. Canny and foolish at the same time.

They keep talking about visiting daily and taking the baby out to lunch.

You are going to need some very strong boundaries around you and the baby. They will likely push to have the baby on their own and you will likely not want this - your instincts will quite rightly be telling you to keep your baby close.

Tomorrow you buy a door chain and fit it,
You tell them that they need to ask if they can come over otherwise they won't be allowed in if it is not convenient, that you are doing this because they won't listen to you.
Tell work not to let them come up, as it isn't allowed.
Tell them that you will do what ever YOU want with baby, point to your husband and say this is your baby.
Tell them that you don't want to push them away, but if it happens it will be their own doing.

@Brogues

OMG. Don’t leave it to DH. Have a massive hormonal strop and tell them to fuck off.

THIS!!!

Honestly!

Your life won't be worth living - they'll control every move you make.

Stop them NOW!

If they come round uninvited - lock the door and don't let them in.

Do not let them take your baby anyway unless it suits you to do so.

If necessary, run away from home (take the baby with you) whenever they come round.

Tell them that if they make a FB announcement, that is the last time they will ever cross your door - and mean it.

Tell them to stuff their inheritance money - they'll try to use the threat of disinheritance at every opportunity.

This can’t be real though surely? No one would accept their in laws (or even own parents) saying or doing these things!!!!!

they disagree with everything we want to do. They don't want me to breastfeed, us to use slings, us to go to parenting groups.

They literally have no say on any of this, they sound like a massive pain in the arse, I wouldn’t be surprised if the other half siblings cut contact with them to be honest.

OP, I mean this nicely but you need to start being rude, don’t pussy foot around them, they turn up when you’re working you say I’m working you can’t be here, bye. They want to announce your pregnancy on Facebook you unfriend them and tell them if you do that I will not be very happy with you so I don’t know if I’ll be able to see you again. Remember they’re the ones being rude by making you feel uncomfortable in the first place.

Seriously you need to emigrate.

Moving won’t stop them moving closer to you.

This won’t stop until you make it stop.

Can’t dh find his half siblings online? And track them down separately

Ultimately this situation will implode and you’ll end up NC and possibly even being taken to court, emigrating will actually be the easier way to manage them.

I know a family who are estranged from grandparents. We were all warned at the children's school not to let the GP collect, or even to confirm that the children attended.

Your ILs reminded me.

Yabu to put up with it. The solution of blissful no contact is in your hands.

@NatashaRf

I'd leave my DH if he was putting up with this abusive, blackmailing bullshit and not protecting me and his child from it.

This is the most awful in laws post I've ever read.

Those people would never be allowed near any child of mine.

It's quite chilling to read.

The poor OP.

I hope all these posts give her pause for thought.

I must admit, much as I love my husband, I think this would be a deal breaker if he wasn't prepared to stand up to this.

Poor OP.

This is like stalking, manipulation, control...horrible!! Totally disrespectful.
Any chance you two and little one can MOVE AWAY...? Preferably soon and as far as you can..