I feel really awkward and uncomfortable.

[MissingTheMountain]

DH's parents have decided in the last few months that if they disagree with something, they'll do it anyway and then say they didn't have a choice as we might have said no.

So far, the most annoying one has been turning up while we're working and sitting a foot away from us looking fed up. They aren't the type to entertain themselves. I have no idea why they're doing it unless it's to prove a point that they won't listen to us.

MIL is desperate to have a sort of baby shower for her friends. I'm not invited and don't mind her having one... but she wants to post about it on Facebook. We haven't announced on Facebook, for a multitude of reasons that she knows about. Family & friends know, but Facebook doesn't. They call weekly to complain about it. This morning they've called to say we are ruining their fun, and they'll announce it on Facebook for us if we haven't done it by Wednesday.

My big worry right now is that they disagree with everything we want to do. They don't want me to breastfeed, us to use slings, us to go to parenting groups. They did all of those things, but they feel that "with reflection" it would stop them from being able to have a good relationship with the baby. They keep talking about visiting daily and taking the baby out to lunch.

Usually, DH gets annoyed eventually, spells it out to them, they back off and it heals. But they're ignoring him this time, and just making veiled comments about how they don't know if he's going to be "mean" so they just don't ask him.

FIL also said on the phone this morning that he's got high blood pressure again, and it's worried DH that they are getting old, and he doesn't want to upset them. He's also concerned that his Dad has two other children that he cut off for some reason decades ago, and has never met their children. He talks often about how they shouldn't be told when he dies, and they're not in his will, etc.

I don't want to put DH in the middle, but the more they push, the less I feel comfortable around them. They did the same batshit stuff around our wedding. In the end, FIL told us not to tell them any details until a few days before to stop MIL from getting so upset and phoning up to change things...

I don't have family, I've very pleased our baby will have, and we used to get along really well. I feel like I go out of my way to make them feel involved, update them after every appointment, usually two phone calls and at least one meeting a week. I see them more than I see my friends. I've tried really hard to include them... But honestly, I feel like an incubator right now, I've started to dread the baby coming and them going mad. I quite like the idea of not telling them right now, but that'd be a horrendous position for DH to be in...

He says we're a team and he'll talk to them, but they seem to "forget" the next day now, and I'm worried about my mental health and my marriage if they keep this up.

You haven’t got any family but please don’t cling onto them, they are abusive. No family is better than an abusive one.

You need to stop this, it will amplify when your child is born and you’ll end up one day not having a clue where your child is or if they’re alright and you’ll be unable to make contact with them and do you know what? They’ll enjoy making that point to you.

Please speak to your midwife about all of this, just please get some professional advice and support to tackle their bat shit behaviour before they abuse your child.

After reading so many similar posts on here and seeing how it doesn't get any better, I.e. the PIL's behaviour just ramps up and throw into the mix an ineffectual and weak DH who is enmeshed and frightened of upsetting his parents, my first reaction is to say run for the hills and don't stop 'till you get there.

In reality I don't suppose you feel you want to give up on your drippy DH (just yet) so you have got to start being a whole lot more assertive and I mean don't take no prisoners type of assertive because that is the only behaviour those types of people understand. They have no respect for you or DH, they think they own him and by association you as well and the same goes for your baby.

So you need to read them the riot act about visiting you during work hours and visiting your workplace. Stop phoning them all the time and keep information about your medical appointments to a minimum. Stop visiting so often and tell them if they cannot respect your wishes re Facebook etc then they will be blocked on SM and in real life. If DH wants to visit he can on his own. Honestly you have to play hard ball with people like this, you cannot appeal to their better nature, they don't have one.

@Brogues

OMG. Don’t leave it to DH. Have a massive hormonal strop and tell them to fuck off.

Do this.

I'd even go to, or contact, many embassies and get their documentation on how to apply for citizenship or what is required if you decide to move to their country. Leave this documentation out. Very visible.

Throw your strop and add in some tears and you should be golden!

Boundaries are important , get some before baby arrives Or they will just takeover . I've never heard of a baby shower without the expectant mum . Cut back on phonecalls and meetings get busy with anything else and put them on an information diet

They don't really sound like family worth having tbh.

"with reflection" it would stop them from being able to have a good relationship with the baby."

They don't deserve one at all!

How selfish & entitled they are.

They are walking all over you because it sounds as if they easily manipulate their son & perhaps think you will put up with anything as you don't have your own family.

I've got high blood pressure-it's well under control & a strop about not getting my own way won't be dangerous to me!

‘ My big worry right now is that they disagree with everything we want to do. They don't want me to breastfeed, us to use slings, us to go to parenting groups. They did all of those things, but they feel that "with reflection" it would stop them from being able to have a good relationship with the baby. They keep talking about visiting daily and taking the baby out to lunch. ’

Then it’s simple op. You tell them very clearly that their opinions and advice are not welcome and they respect your parenting decisions or don’t have a relationship with your child at all and that you will not be giving any second chances.
As soon as they don’t listen or start this batshittery again completely wipe them from your lives and don’t look back.
Sometimes people like this cannot be helped.

OMG - I was picturing the scene where they were sitting across your dining table or being in your living room. They are actually showing up to your place of work and asking to see you and sitting there??? That's not normal. No way.
You're not pushing them away, you are establishing firm boundaries that your work place is your work place and your home is your home and they shouldn't ever overlap with the inlaws!

Ugh, what is it lately with all these in-laws turning up while people are trying to work?! And turning up to an external workspace?! That's beyond weird. What can they possibly be getting out of it?

OP, I'm really glad you said you can see the need for boundaries now. I don't know how you've been tolerating this! Nightmare.

Well you've obviously not learned from your wedding. You are telling them far too much detail about your lives which is feeding their response. I wouldn't have had any conversations about the baby, breastfeeding etc. My in laws were a bit like this, but not quite as bad. They did calm down in time.

Wow they are really ticking all the boxes aren’t they

[quote MissingTheMountain]@Anotherdayanotherdollar I was trying not to make it an essay, which I may have failed at anyway What do you feel is missing?

@HollowTalk The first two times were at home... after that, I started going back to a co-working space locally, and the last few times they've come there. You can have meetings there, so Reception bring them up... I have no idea how they found I was there.

DH is usually great, but I wanted to check I wasn't being unreasonable to expect him to say to something. He can seemingly block it out and ignore it much easier than I can... But I've been very tempted to just tell them how suffocating this all is the last few times, and have left the room instead. Maybe I shouldn't![/quote]
Coming to your place of work is beyond bonkers!

MY IL went nuts - not this nuts but still bad - started in pg and got worse.

Boundaries - grey rock and united front.

Took a few years - and a move and then another - but overall they've actually been very good DGP. I refused to be pushed out and undermined and had to get DH on side - they've rewritten history completely but we did get there.

I'd tell them once DC is born - not during labour and get DH on board with that - you're going to have to stop telling them things and be fairly blunt get to point you care less about them being uspet than you being constantly upset- and do not allow them into your work.

I'd also look for support with bf and go out to groups to meet other mothers and find other sources of information - as I think this will get harder for you.

"with reflection" it would stop them from being able to have a good relationship with the baby."

If you can't have a good relationship with them because they don't respect you, your child will never have a good relationship with them.

They will weaponise the relationship. And your child will be caught in the middle.

If there is a lack of mutual respect you aren't going to be able to hide that from your kids. To even try is remarkably naive.

@MissingTheMountain

Why tf are you letting them get away with this op??

Erm.. I guess I read a lot on here about how in-laws are always pushed out, and I didn't want them to feel like that... and I swear, before we were engaged, they seemed pretty normal and nice, and we got on well! I didn't want to be the DIL from hell. So I've been telling myself that it comes from the right place, but honestly, I want to take the baby and my husband and RUN.

We were due to move away last year, but they got upset at the end and we decided not to go. I kick myself for that decision daily.

Okay, this is reassured me that it's not me being a complete cow. I'll have a chat to DH after work tonight.

The watching-me-work thing drives me insane. It feels so awkward, I want to fall into a hole in the floor. I'll have a chat to Reception, I hadn't thought of that (stupid as that sounds... can I blame baby brain?! )

Please don't apply normal people's standards to these people OP. They sound absolutely batshit and not normal at all. Coming into your coworker space, wtf?? Saying they'll just announce on Facebook against your will?

Please read up about toxic families. You will need to apply a different set of rules to these people than you would to normal, loving, not self-absorbed family, and keep reminding yourself of this should you ever feel guilty about it (which you definitely shouldn't). Have very firm, clear boundaries and consequences and don't defend them to your in laws- just enforce them. They clearly don't respect you at all so you need to protect yourself, especially at this special time in your life- you won't get the precious early weeks with baby back!

@Hugoslavia

Well you've obviously not learned from your wedding. You are telling them far too much detail about your lives which is feeding their response. I wouldn't have had any conversations about the baby, breastfeeding etc. My in laws were a bit like this, but not quite as bad. They did calm down in time.

Is it the OP giving the detail?

Or the husband?

My money is on the latter being brow beaten by questioning by parents who leads this, in an effort to get an easy/quiet life at the expense of himself and his wife... Its easier to do that than say NO.

Have you ever spoke to these other children who got cut out? Do you know for a fact that's what happened? Because I'd be surprised if it wasn't the othe way round and those children cut your PIL out due to their unbelievably controlling bullying behaviour. The talking about it and the will etc are manipulation tactics, veiled threats to you and DH about what will happen if you don't bow down to their wishes.

Your DH is not covering himself in glory here. He's allowing you, his pregnant wife, his new family , who should be the centre of his world (and his baby too when it comes) and not his parents. If he doesn't put a stop to this I'd leave him.

It's not good for your DC to have a relationship with toxic people like your PIL. The fact they're family is irrelevant, they're toxic control freaks and that's the most important thing to bear in mind. They're acting like the baby is theirs FFS!

Don't be afraid to say something to them yourself and don't be afraid of putting your DH in the middle, he is in the middle! Except he should be closer to your side than his parents side, so not quite in the middle. You're his new family now, you and baby come first, his parents come second.

You should be spending time with your friends more than them, they're effectively isolating you from your friends. They're also trying to isolate you from new mum friends at baby groups etc too.

Their sense of entitlement is massive and scary. They don't think you have a right to say No so they don't tell you in advance so you can't say No?! No fucking way. If they turn up and it's not convenient or if you just don't want to see them, then don't let them in! Don't be afraid to end a conversation which you don't want to be having. Hang up the phone or walk away. Don't be afraid to ask them to leave your home if you've invited them in and there being rude and entitled.

They're using their failing health to manipulate you. Read up on controlling relationships because this is one, PIL are controlling both you and DH and it needs to stop. No amount of explaining to them will achieve this, you need to stop it by displaying your No with your behaviour. And if you end up No Contact because of that or because they never learn, that's fine and perfectly healthy.

*allowing you, his pregnant wife, to be bullied

I would totally loose my shit with them! I would tell them, if any baby showers occur, if they turn up at work and if anything I'd put on Facebook, then they will never ever see GC : from birth!

And move away.

MIL is desperate to have a sort of baby shower for her friends. I'm not invited and don't mind her having one i read this 5 times before i realised you're pregnant and SHE wants a baby shower for HER for YOUR baby. She's crazy. The conversation needs to be met with bafflement. Baby showers are about celebrating the mother and buying presents for her and the baby. Does she think her friends with buy her granny presents?? Is she really that desperate to play pin the dummy on the baby or change a dolls nappy blindfolded??

Def tell reception to not let anyone up as you're too busy

Make sure you're at baby groups at least a couple of times a week.

If you guys can do your work anywhere, time to start planning a move. A healthy distance away, three hours minimum.

They are bullies.
It is not normal to announce someone else's pregnancy / new baby - or blackmail you into doing it!
Absolutely bonkers.
You can move after baby is born. I would.

This is horrific!
I would have to go low/no-contact with them. Their behaviour is really odd, controlling and sinister. Who the hell do they think they are, dictating to you on so many areas? If this isn't stopped now, it will get a million times worse once baby is here.

Bloody hell. I've read about some bat-shit ILs on here before but I think this lot win the prize.

Your PILs are a whole other level of weird! Are you sure they are well (I mean this as an honest question). It's really bonkers to turn up at your work, to expect you not to go to parent groups if you want to, to expect you not to use slings etc.

Honestly, I think you need to move and not tell them where you've gone!

Yep. Just to add to the chorus about setting boundaries now - don't be blackmailed by the "they're getting old" argument. Your baby, your decisions. No bf, baby groups? How dare they! Also, posting stuff about you on FB without your express permission is completely out of order. FB is not a human right.