I feel really awkward and uncomfortable.

[MissingTheMountain]

DH's parents have decided in the last few months that if they disagree with something, they'll do it anyway and then say they didn't have a choice as we might have said no.

So far, the most annoying one has been turning up while we're working and sitting a foot away from us looking fed up. They aren't the type to entertain themselves. I have no idea why they're doing it unless it's to prove a point that they won't listen to us.

MIL is desperate to have a sort of baby shower for her friends. I'm not invited and don't mind her having one... but she wants to post about it on Facebook. We haven't announced on Facebook, for a multitude of reasons that she knows about. Family & friends know, but Facebook doesn't. They call weekly to complain about it. This morning they've called to say we are ruining their fun, and they'll announce it on Facebook for us if we haven't done it by Wednesday.

My big worry right now is that they disagree with everything we want to do. They don't want me to breastfeed, us to use slings, us to go to parenting groups. They did all of those things, but they feel that "with reflection" it would stop them from being able to have a good relationship with the baby. They keep talking about visiting daily and taking the baby out to lunch.

Usually, DH gets annoyed eventually, spells it out to them, they back off and it heals. But they're ignoring him this time, and just making veiled comments about how they don't know if he's going to be "mean" so they just don't ask him.

FIL also said on the phone this morning that he's got high blood pressure again, and it's worried DH that they are getting old, and he doesn't want to upset them. He's also concerned that his Dad has two other children that he cut off for some reason decades ago, and has never met their children. He talks often about how they shouldn't be told when he dies, and they're not in his will, etc.

I don't want to put DH in the middle, but the more they push, the less I feel comfortable around them. They did the same batshit stuff around our wedding. In the end, FIL told us not to tell them any details until a few days before to stop MIL from getting so upset and phoning up to change things...

I don't have family, I've very pleased our baby will have, and we used to get along really well. I feel like I go out of my way to make them feel involved, update them after every appointment, usually two phone calls and at least one meeting a week. I see them more than I see my friends. I've tried really hard to include them... But honestly, I feel like an incubator right now, I've started to dread the baby coming and them going mad. I quite like the idea of not telling them right now, but that'd be a horrendous position for DH to be in...

He says we're a team and he'll talk to them, but they seem to "forget" the next day now, and I'm worried about my mental health and my marriage if they keep this up.

Jesus what interfering arseholes. Can you possibly move further away????

This is insanity! I certainly would not be trusting mil alone with baby as in taking the baby out. She will do exactly as she pleases and ignore everything you say. Unbelievable she is threatening to plaster your business across social media and the strange advice not to breastfeed! You need to stop this crazy train now before the baby is born because it will get worse. Genuinely it sounds as if shes having some sort of breakdown?
You can't keep living like this. I would get together with your partner and meet with them. All cards on the table and if she refuses to listen sadly you will have to stop answering the door/ taking calls etc.

OH MY GOD! I've just read that they've turned up randomly at your workspace????

If that happens again you need to bluntly turn them away and say it's inappropriate. What the hell are they thinking? They sound utterly insane! Why did your DH say when you told him about this?

Oh OP, don't let them control those early weeks and months with your sweet new baby. You never get that time back.

"Oi crazy tits,wind your neck in or we'll be on Rightmove quicker than it takes for you to blink"

The sound controlling and clearly don't give a shit about your boundaries and right to make decisions for your own core family.

I'd tell them to get to fuck.

Start with FB. If they post, you will be blocking them and going NC while you ponder if they will be in your lives at all going forward.

This is your baby, not theirs. You will be feeding and carrying it and looking after it as you see fit. You will not be having guests daily, including the inlaws. Because that's what they are in your home, guests, at your pleasure. And if it's not pleasurable for you, then they won't be invited round.

your DH needs to step up and lay it out for them. Clearly and firmly.

@MissingTheMountain

Reception bring them up... I have no idea how they found I was there.

Your husband probably told them. Unless they are spying on you. If so that's very concerning.

Change your work space or go to a library and don't tell them. Fucking intrusive and abusive/controlling if you ask me.

As for them turning up and controlling you out for lunch every day when the baby is here and stopping you forming friendships ave essential bonding with other new mums - they can fuck off again. This will seriously impact on your mental health and maternity leave you will never ever get back again. Be prepared to block and ignore them even if they turn up every day. "Sorry I already have plans today. You should have asked me. I'm free on Friday if you like to do something then ". Etc

Your MIL wants a baby shower for herself for becoming a grandparent?! Oh lord

@MintyGreenDream says it more succinctly than I could.

"This is shocking.

It is not normal to tell new parents to not breastfeed or use slings. Please parent how you wish to and step away from this relationship. It is not healthy. No relationship is better than a harmful one."

This. None of their fucking business how you feed your baby. They shouldn't really even have an opinion on it, let alone tell you what that opinion is, let alone try and influence it.

I'd suggest two things. Repeat on a loop 'we are the parents and we are making these decisions based on what we believe is best for our baby and we don't want to discuss it any further'. Then 'I told you we don't want to discuss it any further and if you insist then I will leave / put the phone down' and follow through.

Grey rock them. They can't criticise or get upset about your decisions if they don't know anything. Be vague and breezy 'oh we will see what happens, I'm sure we will work it out, we haven't decided yet'.

And high blood pressure is caused by diet and exercise levels, not the stress of your unborn grandchild being carried in a sling for a few months. I think you can probably guess why his other grandkids don't see him, its clearly not you

Tell Reception they are barred. Stop tiptoeing round them.

The threat of them announcing on FB a should be met with a threat from you.

“If you announce OUR news on FB, you will NOT be told when the baby is born, and you will not be included in our lives other than a bare minimum. It’s your choice”

I really hope this is not true. The thought that it is true and OP has had to think 'Am I being the unreasonable one?' is one of the saddest threads I have read on here.

OP this is awful. Grow a set and stand up for yourself. Stop letting people walk all over you

A baby shower without the baby’s mother? What fucking planet is she on???

You do realise that kids don’t actually need grandparents? Both sets of our parents are dead so DS only has distant relatives he rarely sees. It’s no big deal. We manage fine by ourselves.

It’s great if you have grandparents who are kind and supportive but if they’re trying to control you and take over, then walk away.

Surely the fact that they’re non contact with their other adult children must tell you something? They’re using the inheritance angle to manipulate your DH into doing what they want.

Put your house on the market and move!

and I'm worried about my mental health and my marriage if they keep this up.

You need to spell that out very very clearly to him. Then back away from the parents as much as possible, and leave him to deal with them. It sounds horrendous, tbh.

They don’t respect you at all. They simply see you as a baby vessel. I would explain to them, politely and firmly, that unless you feel that you can trust them then it is likely that the access to the new baby will be very limited/non-existent. They may also be taking advantage of the fact that you don’t have your own family to gaslight you into thinking that this is normal. It’s not. You need to start standing up for yourself.

Your MIL thinks that the baby is HERS.

I think this is the most worrying post I have read on here in a long time. I, too had domineering in laws who sulked and took massive offence if they didn't get their own way. My children are adult now and the inlaws are dead - but I remember it all so so well.

It's easy for people to say you should tell them to fuck off but it's not that easy to do that in real life.

I had a few rules with myself dealing with mine. You should do them. First of all, don't tell them things that they aren't involved in. My inlaws never knew I was going to breastfeed until they saw me doing it. They wanted to buy a pram but informed me I had to have the one they wanted to buy. I said I wouldn't want to use that one so not to worry, we would get our own.

Working from home - I do it and when friends want to pop in I say I am working and I don't answer the door at all when working. They will get used to it. As for working elsewhere - they have found out somehow where you are. Tell reception NO ONE is allowed to visit you there, it's too disruptive.

The high blood pressure - PAH! I take 4 daily tablets for High BP and I wouldn't use that as a manipulative tool. Thousands of people have it and they take pills too. Ignore all of that, it's a red herring.

Have a baby is one of the best things EVER. It's fabulous. But it's hard sometimes. Sometimes you get PND. You will definitely be short of sleep. It's easier to set some ground rules now rather than when you are exhausted and emotional.

You and your DH need to get your rules together and stick to them. As for Facebook, I would calmly say that I do NOT want my pregnancy announced on Facebook, so don't do it, because I don't want us to fall out over it.

Good luck OP. I hate to say it but I think you're going to need it.

Also - did your parents in law cut out these other children - or did the kids block them
Seriously, if they are behaving like this when the other grandchildren came along maybe it's them that got blocked out for good reason, and the PILs are spinning it like they're totally innocent or were the ones doing the blocking!

@PepsiHoover

Pack up, move house and don't tell them. Because they would have only said no.

In fact immigrate. I wonder why they don’t see their other kids.

@Bogofftosomewherehot

You really need to set some boundaries before the baby arrives.

Turning up at your work space, watching you work - this is not sane behaviour.
Every CONTROL measure they're trying to put into place about how YOU parent is so they can do what they want. Please do not entertain this in any way shape or form.
Tell then bluntly that if they post anything on FB you 100% will NOT be sharing anything with them in the future as clearly do not respect your personal boundaries.
A baby shower to which he mother isn't invited - really!!!

Your husband needs to grow a pair and deal with his parents and you need to make it PERFECTLY clear that this will not be tolerated moving forward.

After all, what is more important, having your lives controlled and you being desperately unhappy or setting some boundaries now? I would stop being so open with what I share.

I agree with this. I know it can be tough op, but boundaries are absolutely what is required here, and sooner rather than later. Definitely before baby comes.

You don't have to be aggressive about it, just sit down and clearly state what you will and will not tolerate. Say you want your child to have a good relationship with them but that you are the parents and ultimately you need to make your own decisions about what you feel is right for you as a family or it will be very difficult for you to remain as close to them. Ball is in their court then.

If they continue to disregard your wishes, get some distance.

Good luck!

@MissingTheMountain

Why tf are you letting them get away with this op??

Erm.. I guess I read a lot on here about how in-laws are always pushed out, and I didn't want them to feel like that... and I swear, before we were engaged, they seemed pretty normal and nice, and we got on well! I didn't want to be the DIL from hell. So I've been telling myself that it comes from the right place, but honestly, I want to take the baby and my husband and RUN.

We were due to move away last year, but they got upset at the end and we decided not to go. I kick myself for that decision daily.

Okay, this is reassured me that it's not me being a complete cow. I'll have a chat to DH after work tonight.

The watching-me-work thing drives me insane. It feels so awkward, I want to fall into a hole in the floor. I'll have a chat to Reception, I hadn't thought of that (stupid as that sounds... can I blame baby brain?! )

Do not blame baby brain.

Just be blunt to and to the point. Its got to that stage by the sound of it. Confront them in a neutral location so both parties can leave on their own terms.

You do not control what we do. If you decide to ignore us, go against our wishes or otherwise harass us we will act accordingly. You need to respect us. If you do not, then we will no long engage with you at all. If you turn up against our wishes we will view this a harassment. If you turn up at work, we will consider it harassment. We have tried to be accomodating, diplomatic and compromising, but you are not respecting us. Enough is enough. If you don't like that, then I'm afraid its tough.

You will get tears and emotional abuse. Just let them get on with it.

If your husband continues to lack a spine, or get on board with this plan, you may well need to run for the hills with the baby.

The fact you are having to come on MN to ask if you are being reasonable or not is a concern in its own right. It shows the extent to which they have abused you in the past. This is not normal. You are questioning it.

I assumed you meant you were WFH and they turned up at your house to watch you, thought that was weird enough, but to turn up at a separate workplace to watch you working is taking weird waaaay beyond the bounds of normal behaviour. Unless of course you are performing on a stage and they are paying to watch your performance, but I have the feeling it isn’t that!

Can you buy your Mil one of those creepy modified born again dolls , she sounds like a dog suffering from a phantom pregnancy desperate for something to mother.

Christ on a bike, this is insanity!

You have to start getting angry about this shit. Stop pandering.

Inform reception/security at your workplace that nobody comes to see you.

They need an ultimatum about Facebook- if they post any of your information, they won’t be seeing the baby, or getting photos of the baby, or taking photos of the baby, and you’ll report her posts to Facebook for sharing your personal information.

They don’t get to ‘reflect’ on how you will feed and parent your baby- they’ve had their turn.

You have to set your boundaries now, because once you’re exhausted from dealing with a newborn and recovery you are going to be worn down by these bullies.