I feel really awkward and uncomfortable.

[MissingTheMountain]

DH's parents have decided in the last few months that if they disagree with something, they'll do it anyway and then say they didn't have a choice as we might have said no.

So far, the most annoying one has been turning up while we're working and sitting a foot away from us looking fed up. They aren't the type to entertain themselves. I have no idea why they're doing it unless it's to prove a point that they won't listen to us.

MIL is desperate to have a sort of baby shower for her friends. I'm not invited and don't mind her having one... but she wants to post about it on Facebook. We haven't announced on Facebook, for a multitude of reasons that she knows about. Family & friends know, but Facebook doesn't. They call weekly to complain about it. This morning they've called to say we are ruining their fun, and they'll announce it on Facebook for us if we haven't done it by Wednesday.

My big worry right now is that they disagree with everything we want to do. They don't want me to breastfeed, us to use slings, us to go to parenting groups. They did all of those things, but they feel that "with reflection" it would stop them from being able to have a good relationship with the baby. They keep talking about visiting daily and taking the baby out to lunch.

Usually, DH gets annoyed eventually, spells it out to them, they back off and it heals. But they're ignoring him this time, and just making veiled comments about how they don't know if he's going to be "mean" so they just don't ask him.

FIL also said on the phone this morning that he's got high blood pressure again, and it's worried DH that they are getting old, and he doesn't want to upset them. He's also concerned that his Dad has two other children that he cut off for some reason decades ago, and has never met their children. He talks often about how they shouldn't be told when he dies, and they're not in his will, etc.

I don't want to put DH in the middle, but the more they push, the less I feel comfortable around them. They did the same batshit stuff around our wedding. In the end, FIL told us not to tell them any details until a few days before to stop MIL from getting so upset and phoning up to change things...

I don't have family, I've very pleased our baby will have, and we used to get along really well. I feel like I go out of my way to make them feel involved, update them after every appointment, usually two phone calls and at least one meeting a week. I see them more than I see my friends. I've tried really hard to include them... But honestly, I feel like an incubator right now, I've started to dread the baby coming and them going mad. I quite like the idea of not telling them right now, but that'd be a horrendous position for DH to be in...

He says we're a team and he'll talk to them, but they seem to "forget" the next day now, and I'm worried about my mental health and my marriage if they keep this up.

😂

@HollowTalk

Your MIL wants a baby shower but doesn't want you to be there? I've never heard of anything as crazy as that.

Where is it you're working, that they're turning up and just sitting there?

Weird or what.

Give them an ultimatum back: if they announce your pregnancy on Facebook, against your wishes, they will be banned from seeing the baby.

You hold all the cards here...

P.S. they sound completely and utterly insane.

[quote MissingTheMountain]@Anotherdayanotherdollar I was trying not to make it an essay, which I may have failed at anyway What do you feel is missing?

@HollowTalk The first two times were at home... after that, I started going back to a co-working space locally, and the last few times they've come there. You can have meetings there, so Reception bring them up... I have no idea how they found I was there.

DH is usually great, but I wanted to check I wasn't being unreasonable to expect him to say to something. He can seemingly block it out and ignore it much easier than I can... But I've been very tempted to just tell them how suffocating this all is the last few times, and have left the room instead. Maybe I shouldn't![/quote]
FFS tell the workspace reception that they are NOT to allow your batshit PiL's access to you AT YOUR WORK.

How have you not already done that?
It's a really clear message, & not even one that you have to carry yourself. You are there to work, not have random mad people come & stare at you. Get reception to do their job (not allowing randoms in off the street) so that you can do yours.

Start speaking up for yourself, & when you are inevitably ignored/talked over/told you are mean - do just what you said above, & leave the room.

Not speaking up, & staying in the room to be abused, is handing your horrible PiL's a green light to keep abusing you. You need to make it not worth their while.
They turn up at your work? - they get shown the door.
They turn up unannounced at your home?- they get shown the door "sorry it isn't convenient right now, DH will text you to arrange another day."
They tell you you should/should not breastfeed/use a sling? - "As it's not your baby, you don't get a choice. You do realise this ismy baby, & I'm not your incubator, don't you?"

As to the confusing baby shower business - MiL wants to have a baby shower, but not invite you? Hurrah! Let the mad old bat crack on. She can be annoying some other poor souls while you are safely out of it.

In short OP - you have got to find your inner anger, & start speaking up for yourself & your baby. Be as direct & straightforward as you need to be to get heard.

"Daily visits? That's not happening."
(manipulation, whinging & insisting on getting their own way)
"Did you not hear me? I said it's not happening, so stop harping on about it."
(they continue, ignoring you as usual)
"You're not listening to me, so it's time to go now." & you either leave, or if they are at yours, make them leave.

They need consequences, or they are going to railroad you & your child for the rest of their lives.

In the end, FIL told us not to tell them any details until a few days before to stop MIL from getting so upset.

I'd be taking them under advisement. These people need a strict information diet ASAP. Just stop telling them anything. Certainly don't discuss any aspects of child rearing - there's nothing to be discussed as far as that is concerned. You are the parents.

One thing I'd be doing for certain is removing them from your social media. The fewer the chinks in your armour, the better it will be for you. I've dropped my own in-laws from Facebook and use Twitter for work-related networking only.

Bejeeze. The horror!

Wow they sound absolutely off the charts controlling and selfish.

I would be wondering exactly why they have no contact with their other children, its not something you do lightly.

People like this don't change, they hide their spots until you relax and then bam, some new madness. If i were you i would be resurrecting that idea to move away, far far away.

This sounds awful, I really feel for you.

You and DH need to chat through everything together and come up with how you see his parent’s involvement. Then both of you sit them down and tell them clearly - assert your personal boundaries and do not let them cross said boundaries (not even once). Definitely tackle this before the baby arrives, because frankly you don’t need the stress. DH’s parents saying “you might say no” just shows that they understand what they’re doing is intrusive but simply don’t care.

As for turning up to your co-working space, tell the receptionist you aren’t accepting visitors while at work unless instructed by yourself.

Good luck on however your decide to tackle this!

it's not me being a complete cow

You are the complete opposite of that. You are being positively saintly.

Their behaviour is not normal. Its crazy and controlling.

Turn it back on them, say

FIL has high blood pressure, so you know mil priority will be him from now on so no need to visit you, or do the baby shower etc. Just focus on fil

Oh and please respect our wishes and dint post anything on Facebook, otherwise we then know you don’t respect us ir our boundaries so we will tell you nothing, share no pictures and you won’t see your grandchild

You have to stop letting this couple walk over you.
I assume this is your first pregnancy, you didn't mention your pregnancy explicitly in the OP.
Once the baby is here this shit will get WORSE and you will be dealing with being new parents too.
I also assumed you were WFH, I am literally aghast you let them turn up to your WORKPLACE!
Have a Serious Talk with DH, form a united front and tell them to give you space with some explicit boundaries - no turning up to workplace, no posting on facebook about your child, maximum of three visits a week once baby has arrived.
You are the only ones who can change this situation - toughen up and do it.

My mum tried that whole take over thing and not taking no for an answer! I can tell you now, you are making a rod for yourself tolerating this crap! Take a step way back and don’t include them as much. You basically need to reset this whole dynamic before it gets you a divorce and drives you crazy!!😂😂😂

OMG this is one of the most bonkers things I’ve heard on here !
Turning up when you are at work - absolutely ridiculous. Tell reception you can’t see them and not to bring them up. If they do escort them straight back out every single time.
Baby shower - absolutely bat shit. Tell them if they put one single thing on Facebook without your consent you’ll stop seeing them completely.
Breast feeding & slings -tell them absolutely none of their fucking business. And keep repeating.

The best thing you can do is kick off big style and they fall out with you.

Goodness gracious. Who do they think they are?!

Put your foot down now or it's only going to get more intense once baby is here!!!

@Brogues

OMG. Don’t leave it to DH. Have a massive hormonal strop and tell them to fuck off.

This 🥳

You have to get tough with them.

Threaten them that if they fail to accept your boundaries you will go NC and they will not see their new grandchild at all. That should focus their minds.

If they turn up while you are working dont answer the door!

I ignore all unscheduled callers when I am working on my business. The Queen of England could knock on my door but if she had no appointment and wasnt holding a package to deliver I would continue to ignore her. Get a small outdoor wifi camera on Amazon for about £50 so you know whose knocking. Or a Ring doorbell.

Move to Scotland. If you're in Scotland already, move to Wales or Cornwall. Never have a spare room.

This is completely crazy.

Can you go back to the moving far away idea?

I agree with PPs about stopping them from seeing you at work and severely restricting how often you see and phone them.

They sound absolutely awful.

OP as everyone else has already said this isn't normal behaviour. Please parent your baby in the way you want. It's a special time for you don't let them ruin it. Best of luck with everything.

They sound unbelievably hard work and I'd do my best to keep a wide berth from them for the sake of your mental health and your marriage

Can you start looking to move far away again? I’d be very tempted to emigrate to Australia!

They don't want me to breastfeed, us to use slings, us to go to parenting groups

They’ve had their day in the sun. This time you’re the parents. You get to call the shots. If they don’t like it, then they can do one! This is not theirs to decide.

Grow a backbone and tell them “thank you for your input, but we feel it’s our choice to make.” Nobody needs have hurt feelings or be rude.

Then tell your dh that either he tells them to wind their neck in or you will and if you do, you’ll probably cause offence!

You’re about to become parents and these people are walking all over you!

Wow! I thought my in-laws were crazy, but now suddenly they don't seem so bad!
Agree with what PP have said about not discussing everything with them. If they don't know your plans, they can't tell you not to do them. Throw their own (nutjob) line back at them - you didn't tell them because you thought they might tell you not to. I notice they've already got the "one of us is ill and mustn't be upset" play in. You can always tell when MIL thinks we aren't behaving properly as she always starts banging on about FIL's health and what if something happens to him, just to get us back into line. Too bad for her it doesn't work anymore. Don't you fall for it either. Make it another excuse not to tell them anything "in case they worry".

Good luck, OP. You need to start getting strict now or it will be 20 times worse when the baby arrives.

All their eggs are in your basket now aren’t they? They’ve cut off two other children, probably deeply regret that but justify it to themselves regularly and feel it’s ‘not their fault’. However now everything stops with you. You have to give them the perfect grandparent experience and somehow you’ve got to navigate this without upsetting them. ...... well it’s not going to happen is it? They’re clearly quite mad plus selfish to boot. You need to do what is right for you and your child and if that means you go LC then I’d live with the consequences. There is no way in hell anyone would have dictated to me whether I breast fed my child or not.

This is not normal, OP! You are going to be suffocated once the baby arrives. if you can work anywhere, omg, MOVE! Telling you they’re going to announce your pregnancy on fb!! Wtf?! Turning up to your place of work is outrageous, easily stopped. Put some very strong boundaries in place or you’re going to end up having a massive family rupture and no going back.

No OP, you are not unreasonable to be unhappy you have no control or influence over you and your baby's lives as your ILs do what they want and now think the magic words 'you might have said no' miraculously makes that fine. Your DH doesn't have your back.

I think you'll need to quickly reach the point of having to establish boundaries. I would start with 'you know I do not want anything posting on facebook. If you do post something on facebook about the baby at all, that will be the last time you are told anything by me about the child'.

I would then instruct your DH that you have seen he has chosen his parents over you and the baby and there will be consequences if he is stupid enough to do this again. That included communicating any information about the DC to his parents. That may sound harsh but it is based on an objective view of how these people are treating you and your opinions. You need to make it harder for your DH to ignore you than to let his parents get away with abusing you. They had their chance to parent.

Finally, you can't stop them having opinions about breastfeeding, slings and parenting groups as many stupid people have opinions about things that are nothing to do with them. You can stop those opinions having any influence over you. I would get your thinking firm, for example, if you think there is a chance they will use formula with your DC then I would not let them have your baby to look after unsupervised by you.

Good luck.