Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this ?

91 replies

LemonSherbetFancies · 30/08/2021 21:52

To say that DP should only give brief hugs to other women and no prolonged hugs etc?
One of our female friends was upset the other day over a health issue and he held onto her for quite some time. I said I didn't feel comfortable with it especially as I was in the kitchen (could see them from there). She was not crying either, just upset. Just wondered what everyone else thought.

OP posts:
Biancadelrioisback · 30/08/2021 21:53

I would say YABU.

He hugged a friend who was upset. That's a good quality!
Unless you have any other indicators that you think he's cheating on you then you are creating rules for the sake of creating rules.

KingdomScrolls · 30/08/2021 21:54

He was giving an upset friend a hug in full view of you. I don't see why anyone would have an issue with that unless there's a massive drip feed about his repeat infidelity. Even then the choice is whether to be in the relationship or not, not to police the other person's perfectly reasonable behaviour.

Whyarewehardofthinking · 30/08/2021 21:54

If my DP attempted to police my hugs with a friend he would be an ex DP. My sister is bi, is she not allowed to hug anyone?

Don't be ridiculous.

Bluntness100 · 30/08/2021 21:55

I’ve seen a lot of jealousy and insecurity on here, but op, this is totally unreasonable, to put a time limit on how long he’s allowed to hug someone whose upset in front of you?

I think you need to address your own issues here and not make them his.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/08/2021 21:56

What do you suspect him of?

I can’t imagine thinking like this tbh but I can’t imagine DH trying to cop a feel off a distressed friend.

I’m glad he doesn’t feel the same way you do. When my friend’s wife cheated on him then kicked him out we had him over loads and I hugged him a lot, as did DH. I didn’t expect either of them of inappropriate thought or deed…

XenoBitch · 30/08/2021 21:56

YABU
If I was upset, and I got a very brief hug (with the obligatory pat on the back too... you know, to show it is not sexual), then it would be of any comfort at all.

Original poster
LemonSherbetFancies · 30/08/2021 21:57

Well it changes the meaning doesn't it. A quick and brief hug is friendly and reassuring. A longer hug like he had with my friend is a lot more intimate and it's that which made me feel uncomfortable.

OP posts:
XenoBitch · 30/08/2021 21:57

*would not be of any comfort at all

AnnaSW1 · 30/08/2021 21:57

YABU

SmidgenofaPigeon · 30/08/2021 21:58

Are you ok?

Insecurity issues?

manymoonsandgoats · 30/08/2021 21:58

I'm not very good with hugs, if one of my friends is upset I shout my partner to give a hug. YABU in my opinion

AlexandraQueen · 30/08/2021 21:58

@LemonSherbetFancies

Well it changes the meaning doesn't it. A quick and brief hug is friendly and reassuring. A longer hug like he had with my friend is a lot more intimate and it's that which made me feel uncomfortable.

No, a long hug is comforting for someone that is upset. A quick hug is to say hello to someone you see regularly.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/08/2021 21:59

Okay, so again, what do you think he’s thinking or doing that’s wrong?

When I gave the friend I mentioned a long hug I was thinking “Jesus, poor bastard, I hope he’s going to be okay, wonder what I should make us for dinner”

Is this woman extremely gorgeous or something?

Biancadelrioisback · 30/08/2021 21:59

A brief hug is like "oh hello, nice to see you" a longer hug is often used to show comfort and caring.

Michelle41 · 30/08/2021 21:59

I would say you need to me more secure in your relationship. He sounds like a nice guy hugging someone in distress.

I think your overthinking, and yes if he was on a night out and did that to a stranger, then you might have reason to be upset. Yet not in the circumstances you say,

My brother in law, is like a brother to me, my sister and him have been together for 17 years. I often talk to him about my problems,. as hes more empahetic than my sister is, does it include hugs or human contact no, is my sister jealous that a man who I find kind, and whos opinion I value is letting me bend his ear, concerning to my sister no,

Shes glad I think she married a lovely guy, and i'm glad my nephews have such a good dad, and my kids have such a lovely uncle,

You really are clearly a little insecure and you needn't be,

PurpleDaisies · 30/08/2021 22:00

Hugging a friend is fine.

If dh told me to only briefly hug friends of the opposite sex I’d be really pissed off.

Fivefourthreetwo · 30/08/2021 22:00

I think you're being ridiculous

SerenShine · 30/08/2021 22:00

You are being unreasonable. Imagine if he tried to police how long you hugged friends for...
If this is all you have to be worried about I'd say you're pretty lucky in my book!

Rabbitheadlights · 30/08/2021 22:01
Hmm
Frazzledmummy123 · 30/08/2021 22:01

Was his arm around her or were his arms holding her? It would be perfectly innocent either way however, if it was the latter I'd say that was a bit too much. If his arm was just around her then given that she was upset I wouldn't think that was too much.

Usual circumstances (eg: girl wasn't upset) then a brief hug would suffice and I don't think there would be a need to prolong a hug.

Bluntness100 · 30/08/2021 22:02

I’m guessing there is a back story op?

What is it has he cheated and shagged your friends? Or do you have signficant jealousy/controlling issues?

Because I’m sorry but this isn’t normal.

Original poster
LemonSherbetFancies · 30/08/2021 22:03

Both arms holding her, a proper hug. As I said, a long one as well.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/08/2021 22:06

Do you think he was smelling her hair?

Hekatestorch · 30/08/2021 22:09

How many mississippis was it?

thepeopleversuswork · 30/08/2021 22:14

YABVU for so many reasons.

  1. You can't police the way other people show affection. Would you try to prescribe how many times he is allowed to kiss a female friend on the cheek or how many text messages he sends a platonic female friend? That way madness lies.
  2. If he's able to show affection and support to someone who is distressed that's a good quality. Would you prefer he just shut her down?
  3. It sounds like there's a trust issue. Either you trust him in which case you allow him to manage his friendships as he sees fit or you don't in which case you end the relationship.