To think this ?

[LemonSherbetFancies]

To say that DP should only give brief hugs to other women and no prolonged hugs etc?
One of our female friends was upset the other day over a health issue and he held onto her for quite some time. I said I didn't feel comfortable with it especially as I was in the kitchen (could see them from there). She was not crying either, just upset. Just wondered what everyone else thought.

YABU. He comforted a friend. With a nice cwtch, perfectly normal.

What do you want him to do, push her away after 3 missisipies and shout "I'm out of time" 😳

@Multicolouredsequins

Totally understand your discomfort, I don't think many women would genuinely be okay with this. My husband has a few female friends but wouldn't dream of hugging them. I have a friend whose husband hugged me every time he saw me and it gave me the absolute creeps as I didn't know him that well, but I don't hug male friends in general, although I used to in my teenage years/early twenties in a group situation. Maybe a peck on cheek as an adult, but big hugs are quite a childish thing and can put the other person in a very difficult position if they don't want to hug back yet feel they can't push you away either. So many men secretly fancy female friends, (yes, I know there are exceptions), so this sort of hugging in middle age wouldn't sit well with me either, knowing this. Kind words of comfort would be a much safer and more fitting thing to do.

So you think every person who has posted that this wouldn’t even register with them is actively lying in order to cover up depths of sexual suspicion which views a friend hugging a friend worried or upset about a health problem as some kind of sexual move? Or simply deluded?

@Multicolouredsequins

Totally understand your discomfort, I don't think many women would genuinely be okay with this. My husband has a few female friends but wouldn't dream of hugging them. I have a friend whose husband hugged me every time he saw me and it gave me the absolute creeps as I didn't know him that well, but I don't hug male friends in general, although I used to in my teenage years/early twenties in a group situation. Maybe a peck on cheek as an adult, but big hugs are quite a childish thing and can put the other person in a very difficult position if they don't want to hug back yet feel they can't push you away either. So many men secretly fancy female friends, (yes, I know there are exceptions), so this sort of hugging in middle age wouldn't sit well with me either, knowing this. Kind words of comfort would be a much safer and more fitting thing to do.

You are way off the mark there. In fact I think (know) every woman I know would be ok with their dp hugging a female friend. It's very odd having an issue with it unless the dp has shagged said friend in the past

@MiaMarshmallows

Oh come on. As if all of you who have posted would really be ok with your DP's holding a female friend. I certainly wouldn't. An arm around another woman for a certain length of time? Fine. Actual holding, both arms around her for a certain length of time? Not fine.

It's honestly really you in the minority.

OP, is there a backstory? Your reaction to this isn't rational imo. Hugs are fine if that's all it is and it's very strange that you've had such an extreme reaction to it.

She was upset - people don't need to be crying to be in emotional distress. Unless there's something else going on, YAB compleltely U. Are to worried that sympathy will lead to somdthing more?

@LemonSherbetFancies

Well it changes the meaning doesn't it. A quick and brief hug is friendly and reassuring. A longer hug like he had with my friend is a lot more intimate and it's that which made me feel uncomfortable.

You have to be trolling surely? Context. Is. Everything.

@MiaMarshmallows

It's not lacking in empathy at all. It's just inappropriate to have a prolonged hug with a married or coupled up man. I really would not be happy if my partner did this.

Wow.

Isn't context everything though? This woman was upset because of her health. There was a clear and very good reason to hug her.

Also, people are sexually attracted to people of other genders. So does that mean no hugging of anyone?

It is such a shame people do not hug more. They are actually very good for us health wise.

I understand a long lingering hug may be inappropriate when there is no reason for it, but here comfort was plainly required. I'd ask myself if I wouldve hugged her the same. Yes I would. So no problem with my husband doing so.

Very surprised at the posts completely dismissing the OPs concerns. There are a couple of recent threads about sleazy male behaviour running, where the overwhelming consensus is that a lot of men, even the seemingly nice ones can behave in sleazy ways towards other women. And while the OPs partner may be completely innocent in his actions, its concerning that the OP who witnessed it and felt something was 'off' should be shouted down as jealous and insecure. It's very difficult to describe how a hug seems inappropriate without sounding daft, one arm or two, duration etc, but I think some people are being deliberately obtuse in pretending that all hugs are equal, when a lot of us will have encountered 'innocent' physical contact that felt more intense than we were confortable with. If the OPs friend had posted that a man had given her an overly prolonged hug to comfort her, I'd bet my house the majority would be telling her to watch out for him. OP may indeed be mistaken, but the immediate assumption that a woman who feels uncomfortable at certain male behaviour is in the wrong just helps some of them get away with it.

the immediate assumption that a woman who feels uncomfortable at certain male behaviour is in the wrong

The immediate assumption on MN is usually that the man is always in the wrong. It's quite refreshing to see a thread where this is not the case. Part of the issue is people being "programmed" to think a man is always being "sleazy" and can't possibly just be being nice. Of course come men are but it's sickening to see so many nice ones written off.

Hugging an upset friend is not "sleazy".

If the OPs friend had posted that a man had given her an overly prolonged hug to comfort her, I'd bet my house the majority would be telling her to watch out for him.

Can you really not see how that is entirely different to the OP? This isn't the friend complaining it is someone watching. The friend hasn't complained at all from what I can see.

I must remember to tell my sons not to ever show care or affection towards a woman (which the woman is comfortable with) in case a partner is watching.

@SoupDragon

the immediate assumption that a woman who feels uncomfortable at certain male behaviour is in the wrong

The immediate assumption on MN is usually that the man is always in the wrong. It's quite refreshing to see a thread where this is not the case. Part of the issue is people being "programmed" to think a man is always being "sleazy" and can't possibly just be being nice. Of course come men are but it's sickening to see so many nice ones written off.

Hugging an upset friend is not "sleazy".

If the OPs friend had posted that a man had given her an overly prolonged hug to comfort her, I'd bet my house the majority would be telling her to watch out for him.

Can you really not see how that is entirely different to the OP? This isn't the friend complaining it is someone watching. The friend hasn't complained at all from what I can see.

Ok. So, yesterday on my train a group of teenage girls got on. The middle aged man opposite literally couldn't keep his eyes off them. They didn't notice a thing. So by your reckoning because they didn't complain, he wasn't sleazy? I saw him and thought he was, and by his embarrassment when he saw I'd noticed him, so did he. Hugging a friend is not automatically sleazy, of course it's not. But physical contact with a woman is not automatically fine just because she's upset either. Many men take advantage of just that. I'm not saying the man in this case definitely did, I wasn't there so I can't tell, but neither were you, so you can't either. The only person witnessing it thought it looked inappropriate. I'm glad your experiences have led you to a positive view of men, mine largely have too, but that doesn't mean I'd deny all possibility of male impropriety and decide another woman is automatically wrong, jealous and insecure.

@SoupDragon

I must remember to tell my sons not to ever show care or affection towards a woman (which the woman is comfortable with) in case a partner is watching.

No, just tell them that not all women find prolonged hugs from a man comfortable, and that care and affection doesn't always have to involve physical contact.

I don't know Op. Personally I'm not a fan of hugging and would hate a prolonged hug off someone if I was upset. If my Dh did it I would find it very odd because he doesn't normally do that kind of thing - maybe more of an arm round soneone but you've got to put it into context. Is this unusual for your DH? There's nothing wrong with it if your friend is the kind of person that would get comfort from it and your Dh is the kind of person that would normally do this. I would find it super cringe but that's just me!

I agree that if the OP had been worded differently, everyone would have told her how sleezy the guy was

@5128gap

Very surprised at the posts completely dismissing the OPs concerns. There are a couple of recent threads about sleazy male behaviour running, where the overwhelming consensus is that a lot of men, even the seemingly nice ones can behave in sleazy ways towards other women. And while the OPs partner may be completely innocent in his actions, its concerning that the OP who witnessed it and felt something was 'off' should be shouted down as jealous and insecure. It's very difficult to describe how a hug seems inappropriate without sounding daft, one arm or two, duration etc, but I think some people are being deliberately obtuse in pretending that all hugs are equal, when a lot of us will have encountered 'innocent' physical contact that felt more intense than we were confortable with. If the OPs friend had posted that a man had given her an overly prolonged hug to comfort her, I'd bet my house the majority would be telling her to watch out for him. OP may indeed be mistaken, but the immediate assumption that a woman who feels uncomfortable at certain male behaviour is in the wrong just helps some of them get away with it.

Thank goodness, exactly! The whole 'me too' thing seems completely disregarded by most posters here. I think a man hugging a female without her consent is dodgy. The only male friend who has done this to me recently made me feel very uncomfortable. The Op's husband is hopefully just a friendly, huggy guy. Maybe he asked the friend if he could hug her first. Maybe he didn't. Maybe she was cringing like hell inside as he held on to her. Maybe he's a bit creepy. No one here knows, but the op's feelings shouldn't be disregarded and she shouldn't be shouted at if her gut feels it's a bit off. My dad was a creep and always life and soul of the party and always hugging women and generally touchy feely. I knew it was 'off' and didn't trust him from the age of 13. My mum was easy going and said that was just his personality, but turned out he was shagging around for 20 years. Maybe that's coloured my judgement. However, I don't personally have male or female friends that hug now we're in our forties. Very unfair to call OP insecure and jealous.