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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this ?

91 replies

LemonSherbetFancies · 30/08/2021 21:52

To say that DP should only give brief hugs to other women and no prolonged hugs etc?
One of our female friends was upset the other day over a health issue and he held onto her for quite some time. I said I didn't feel comfortable with it especially as I was in the kitchen (could see them from there). She was not crying either, just upset. Just wondered what everyone else thought.

OP posts:
RavingAnnie · 30/08/2021 23:55

YABVVVVU

Guavaf1sh · 30/08/2021 23:57

Agree with PPs. YABU and controlling

MiaMarshmallows · 31/08/2021 19:19

Oh come on. As if all of you who have posted would really be ok with your DP's holding a female friend. I certainly wouldn't.
An arm around another woman for a certain length of time? Fine.
Actual holding, both arms around her for a certain length of time? Not fine.

PlanDeRaccordement · 31/08/2021 19:22

@LemonSherbetFancies

Well it changes the meaning doesn't it. A quick and brief hug is friendly and reassuring. A longer hug like he had with my friend is a lot more intimate and it's that which made me feel uncomfortable.
But hugs are not sexual? It’s intimacy but in a non sexual way? We hug friends, our parents, our brothers and sisters, our children, ...

You are acting like he was French kissing her in front of you.

PlanDeRaccordement · 31/08/2021 19:23

@MiaMarshmallows

Oh come on. As if all of you who have posted would really be ok with your DP's holding a female friend. I certainly wouldn't. An arm around another woman for a certain length of time? Fine. Actual holding, both arms around her for a certain length of time? Not fine.
I wouldn’t really, hugs are not sexual. It’s just human affection of a different kind.
Wishimaywishimight · 31/08/2021 19:30

@Hekatestorch - that made me laugh!

OP, if that was my DH I would just feel glad I was married to a kind and compassionate man.

MiaMarshmallows · 31/08/2021 19:35

I'm not convinced most of you would really be ok with this if it came down to it.

SmidgenofaPigeon · 31/08/2021 19:36

@MiaMarshmallows

Thankfully, a lot of us don’t seem to be as insecure and lacking in empathy as you.

Excelthetube · 31/08/2021 19:39

Bonkers

Keepithidden · 31/08/2021 19:40

Is this the Allo Allo thread again?! You stupid woman!!

Note - tongue in cheek and possible references to old mysoginistic sitcoms....

MiaMarshmallows · 31/08/2021 19:46

Hmm It's not lacking in empathy at all.
It's just inappropriate to have a prolonged hug with a married or coupled up man.
I really would not be happy if my partner did this.

IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 31/08/2021 19:50

She was not crying either, just upset so if she'd cried you'd have been ok with hit?

Were his hands wandering?
Does he flirt with her?
Is she really attractive?

Why don't you trust him basically? Just wondering what else is going on as this seems a strong reaction.

polishthatfloor · 31/08/2021 19:52

Well it changes the meaning doesn't it. A quick and brief hug is friendly and reassuring. A longer hug like he had with my friend is a lot more intimate and it's that which made me feel uncomfortable

It certainly does change the meaning but not in the way you suggest. A quick hug - perfunctory and done almost as an obligation. A big long squeeze - genuine and warm. Sex of hugger and hugee totally irrelevant.

Frazzledmummy123 · 31/08/2021 19:56

@MiaMarshmallows

Oh come on. As if all of you who have posted would really be ok with your DP's holding a female friend. I certainly wouldn't. An arm around another woman for a certain length of time? Fine. Actual holding, both arms around her for a certain length of time? Not fine.
At last, I was starting to think I was the only one who thought this. I totally agree with you, I can't imagine many women would be perfectly fine with their DP holding a female friend in both arms, yet on this thread seemingly this isn't the case and the OP is apparently 'bonkers'... Hmm.

If OP was saying she thought he had a thing for the friend, or was questioning his fidelity then maybe I could understand some responses, but she isn't, yet this is what some people are choosing to read into it.

PlanDeRaccordement · 31/08/2021 20:05

@MiaMarshmallows

Hmm It's not lacking in empathy at all. It's just inappropriate to have a prolonged hug with a married or coupled up man. I really would not be happy if my partner did this.
That’s just Puritannical.
Thethreecs · 31/08/2021 20:06

She's your friend, she was upset, he comforted her with a meaningful hug. Tbh that's really sweet. Shows he cares about her. Now if he was walking up to randomeners on the street and hugging them for a long time, I'd worry.

TedMullins · 31/08/2021 20:07

Jesus Christ this is such a depressing and unhinged thing to think. The depths of internalised misogyny are uncharted here. Hugging is not reserved for people in intimate relationships. He was comforting a friend. It wasn’t sexual. Unless you forgot to mention he was also groping her arse and slobbering into her hair.

TedMullins · 31/08/2021 20:08

@MiaMarshmallows

Hmm It's not lacking in empathy at all. It's just inappropriate to have a prolonged hug with a married or coupled up man. I really would not be happy if my partner did this.
Hello Mike Pence
Stovetopespresso · 31/08/2021 20:15

just saying, I sometimes find men do hugs as an excuse to cop a quick feel, though actually that was a few years ago now....

hopefully he just was being lovely and kind op. has he not hugged you for a while?

idontknowwhyiamasking · 31/08/2021 20:28

YANBU!

PaperMonster · 31/08/2021 20:36

You sound deeply insecure.

IWasBornInAThunderstorm · 31/08/2021 20:58

Maybe because we've spent a large part of last year being told to stay 2 metres away from people it feels a bit more extreme to be hugging people now?

Multicolouredsequins · 31/08/2021 21:28

Totally understand your discomfort, I don't think many women would genuinely be okay with this. My husband has a few female friends but wouldn't dream of hugging them. I have a friend whose husband hugged me every time he saw me and it gave me the absolute creeps as I didn't know him that well, but I don't hug male friends in general, although I used to in my teenage years/early twenties in a group situation. Maybe a peck on cheek as an adult, but big hugs are quite a childish thing and can put the other person in a very difficult position if they don't want to hug back yet feel they can't push you away either. So many men secretly fancy female friends, (yes, I know there are exceptions), so this sort of hugging in middle age wouldn't sit well with me either, knowing this. Kind words of comfort would be a much safer and more fitting thing to do.

LST · 31/08/2021 21:32

Massively unreasonable. I'd be questioning my relationship if I was your dp

JustLyra · 31/08/2021 21:44

Unless there’s a backstory of the husband avoiding hugs and openly having a thing for the friend so using the chance to get a hold of her I really don’t see the issue.

My DH is huggy. He hugs his friends, male and female. If someone was upset then I’d be more surprised if he didn’t offer a hug.

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