Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this ?

91 replies

LemonSherbetFancies · 30/08/2021 21:52

To say that DP should only give brief hugs to other women and no prolonged hugs etc?
One of our female friends was upset the other day over a health issue and he held onto her for quite some time. I said I didn't feel comfortable with it especially as I was in the kitchen (could see them from there). She was not crying either, just upset. Just wondered what everyone else thought.

OP posts:
Singlebutmarried · 30/08/2021 22:14

Blimey.

I saw one of my male friends who I’ve not seen IN LIKE FOREVER yesterday.

I was with DH, but I tiggered up to my friend and we had a proper mahoosive hug.

DH wasn’t bothered. Friends DP wasn’t bothered.

I also said he smelt nice as he always wears lush aftershave.

Everyone happy.

VladmirsPoutine · 30/08/2021 22:18

What is a reasonable amount of time for a hug? I don't think I've ever counted.

Piffle11 · 30/08/2021 22:26

I wouldn’t say I’m big on hugs, but we went to a party at the weekend and I saw people I haven’t seen in years… I readily admit that I gave everyone, including the men, huge hugs, They weren’t quick ones either.
DH wasn’t remotely bothered. He hugged the same people too, and we are both secure enough to know that there’s nothing in it other than we are just happy to see old friends.

saladcreamandegg · 30/08/2021 22:27

There must be a back story to this. Either he has cheated before and so OP is hyper vigilant and always looking for signs of it happening again (not healthy) or OP is a jealous person and controlling (also not healthy).

Your DH comforted a friend in full view of you. Your perception of what it means is not good in a normal healthy marriage.

Formaldeheidi · 30/08/2021 22:33

Yeah this is a bit bonkers OP. If I was your DH right now I’d be wondering if I could carry on with this kind of controlling behaviour in my marriage.

I remember going through a really rough time, I was s completely broken. My best friend and husband came to see me and her husband gave me the longest hug. I’ll never stop appreciating that moment. It mattered so much to me (still does!)

mineofuselessinformation · 30/08/2021 22:35

All I can hope is that you're never in the need of some comfort when very upset. If you are, I hope you've got some needy and jealous female partner in the background to jump all over the lovely gesture.

SunbathingDragon · 30/08/2021 22:36

Ok, what’s the back story as there has to be more to this! If there isn’t then YABU.

StressyWoman · 30/08/2021 22:45

I think it sounds like he was being kind and it’s highly unlikely he was getting off on someone being upset.

FeatheredHope · 30/08/2021 22:46

Are you 12?

PallasStrand · 30/08/2021 22:51

@AnneLovesGilbert

Do you think he was smelling her hair?
No, she thinks he was rubbing his throbbing manhood against her yielding curves, or something of the kind. In a minute a Barry White song would start on the radio and they’d start slow-dancing, then smearing food on each other.

Yeah, OP, you should have lurked in the background with a kitchen timer set to go off after five chaste seconds. Ten if she’s actually crying unattractively.

Or you could ask yourself if you really think you’re married to the kind of creep who gets aroused when hugging an upset friend in the kitchen with his wife watching. Hmm

SoupDragon · 30/08/2021 22:52

The hug is irrelevant (but absolutely fine in the context IMO)

The actual problem is why don't you trust your DP?

5128gap · 30/08/2021 22:56

The important question is do you think he made your friend feel uncomfortable? You are not daft to think there is etiquette around hugging. Too prolonged especially from a man to a woman can feel uncomfortable for the woman. Not sure its anything to be jealous about as you were there, but he may be coming across a bit much to her perhaps.

Lavender24 · 30/08/2021 22:59

@manymoonsandgoats

I'm not very good with hugs, if one of my friends is upset I shout my partner to give a hug. YABU in my opinion
Haha same!
Runningoutofusernamestochange · 30/08/2021 22:59

I’m going to go against the grain slightly here. I’m having a very tough time at the moment and I’m very short of people to help practically and emotionally. A male friend, who is a very open, caring person, did some nice things for me recently, including a massive hug I really needed in front of his wife.
I know my thought processes are not healthy at the moment (getting therapy!) but I do feel a bit attracted to him and bitter and twisted that I’m stuck in a horrible situation that is nobody’s fault, but very lonely. It’s an odd feeling and I’m not surprised you are a bit uncomfortable. To be in desperate need of a lovely big cuddle and some kindness that should be coming from a loving partner and to be getting it from someone else’s feels like infidelity, even if it isn’t!

Another time can you engineer the situation so that you are on TLC and pack him off on tea making duty?

Jossse · 30/08/2021 23:04

How long did the hug last?
Apparently one should hug for at least 20 seconds for it to be useful/have any effect.
I love hugs and would hate to be told how long I could hug for... my DH hugs everyone too (well people he likes) I wouldn't be jealous or uncomfortable it's normal for us.
I feel there's a back story here OP

Hopdathelf · 30/08/2021 23:09

How sad to be so insecure about your partner hugging a mutual friend in full view.

therocinante · 30/08/2021 23:12

This is... bonkers. Either you:

  • don't trust him and therefore don't believe he can have any platonic touching of anyone else because it's all got an ulterior motive

or

  • think a proper hug to support an upset friend constitutes cheating?

I'm friends with my best friend's husband and have been for years, independently of her. We've given each other many a long hug, a kiss on the top of the head, etc when comforting one another. He's like a brother to me and I love him very much - and I'm tactile person with people I love. Same with DH and his female friends.

You need to be glad he's a good friend and a good man, not timing his hugs.

MolkosTeenageAngst · 30/08/2021 23:18

Maybe if he was hugging all of his female friends/ colleagues/ acquaintances like that all of the time you would have a point, but you said yourself his friend was upset about a health issue. In response to an upset friend is the right sort of circumstance to give a long, reassuring and comforting hug and whether the person is of the opposite sex doesn’t really come into it. You sound very unsympathetic if you resent him hugging a friend in need.

Is there some sort of backstory to this? Do you trust him?

DieDeutschLehrerin · 30/08/2021 23:19

I don't think the problem is the hug really. You feel unsettled because you saw your husband do something that you connect with an intimate relationship, even though, rationally, you know it wasn't inappropriate given the circumstances and the fact that you were there. I think you might benefit more from working out what to do with your discomfort, rather than rationing the length of your husband's hugs.
Usually I wouldn't go in for a long, close hug with a friend's husband but I have been in a situation where I have been given such a hug. It had been a while since we'd seen them, we'd moved away, he'd had a horrible year on the back of several rough ones and we're all old friends and he just needed that comfort of hugging someone familiar. It was in front of my DH and his DW and everyone just took it for what it was. It was just a way of communicating.
Try not to let your discomfort lead to you distrusting him if you can see that there were no real grounds.

IceLace100 · 30/08/2021 23:24

YABVU.

It's a hug. Get over yourself.

putthetubeinthebin · 30/08/2021 23:40

You should be proud he has that kind of empathy. The only way this would be a problem for me is if he wasn't giving me long hugs when I needed them

Meraas · 30/08/2021 23:42

YANBU, I wouldn’t hug a male friend like that, so I can see why you would be upset.

However, any male friends I’ve had have eventually hit on me (except gay friends) so I don’t have any close friendships with men now.

Frazzledmummy123 · 30/08/2021 23:45

I think people are missing the point here. From what I am gathering, OP doesn't think dh is cheating, had any other motives, or is 'policing' hug times. She just felt a little uneasy with it as she connects long hugs with intimacy. Standing comforting a friend with an arm around them or giving a quick hug is a little different from standing holding her.

YouBringLightInToADarkPlace · 30/08/2021 23:50

Gosh I really hope this isn't real because it sounds like a heartbreaking relationship if it is.
But assuming it's true, the answer is no, OP, if my husband did this it would not cause any concern for me in the slightest. I trust him and love him and would think it was a lovely characteristic that he wanted to support a friend.

Thedogscollar · 30/08/2021 23:50

@LemonSherbetFancies

Both arms holding her, a proper hug. As I said, a long one as well.
If there is a problem it all lies with you I'm afraid. Truly ridiculous YABVVVU.