AIBU about clearing the table before everyone has finished?

[StayOrGoOrWhat]

My youngest DD, aged 3, tends to eat more slowly than the rest of us and if she realises that we’ve all finished, she stops eating. So once we are done, we remain seated with our plates there and just chat until she has finished.

When we are at my DMs or she is at ours, as soon as anyone has finished she starts collecting plates up and taking them into the kitchen. It drives me mad! She’s even been known to bring dessert in whilst DD is still eating and is then surprised when she abandons her food in favour of cake.

I’ve asked her not to and she has improved but it seems like some kind of compulsion to start piling plates before we are all done and it is driving me mad! Made me remember how when I was younger, DF would still be eating and have had the entire table cleared around him. So, AIBU to think that’s it’s just not great manners to clear up before everyone is finished?

My mum and stepdad clear plates whilst others are still eating. They even take away dishes of veg etc that are left in the table for sharing, despite people not having finished. Then immediately you get a dessert, before your main course has gone down.

I really really hate it. It seems so rude but I think it's an old fashioned thing?

Well it's not correct etiquette but who follows all of that in their own home anyway? It's her house and she's kindly cooked you a meal. Not the end of the world if dd doesn't finish every meal there (how often are you eating there anyway). Like you say it's like a compulsion so a habit hard for her to break.

It's rude, I eat slowly and I hate people fussing about.

I honestly find it strange that so many of the slow eaters on here actively prefer the idea of everyone sitting around watching them eat once they've finished. I'd much rather they just got up and drifted off rather than watch me. I understand how it could be annoying if people were taking the communal food dishes away, trying to take your plate from you, or doing it with an attitude that made it clear they were impatient and annoyed you were still eating. But I've never known anyone do that. Just casually starting to clean up would be by far preferable to me over a group of people watching me eat, waiting...

It is good manners to wait for everyone to be served before starting to eat and also waiting for everyone to have finished before clearing the plates.

Plates should be carried away at the end of a meal. They should never be “scraped” at the table.

@whatbigfeet

My mum and stepdad clear plates whilst others are still eating. They even take away dishes of veg etc that are left in the table for sharing, despite people not having finished. Then immediately you get a dessert, before your main course has gone down.

I really really hate it. It seems so rude but I think it's an old fashioned thing?

No it’s not. It simply shows a complete ignorance of dining etiquette.

As a rule, it is bad manners to clear plates before everyone has finished. You're supposed to be eating together, as a social experience. Clearing plates rushes people, which is rude and inhospitable - and why are the clearers not taking part in the conversation, the social experience, themselves? Absenting themselves from the table mid-course is as rude as taking the plates away (unless they have some complex prep to do for the next course). It's a statement that they're bored of the company and conversation and cannot wait to get away.

There are those children who can take an hour to eat half a sandwich though... But in that case you're not so much clearing around them as giving them their own special meal extension.

It's bad manners. If its at her house I would probably just let it go, but not at your own house. I think all you can do is keep reminding her to wait till dd has finished. It's better for her stomach to eat at her pace, it helps to give her stomach time to realise the foods there. We don't usually bother with pudding . My mother didn't bother much with puddings till she had grandkids, constantly told us we had to be careful of our teeth and to not get fat. Caught her buying chocolate fudge breakfast cereal for my son when he was 5yr.

[quote StayOrGoOrWhat]@SukonthaM yes, from looking at the responses, people really do this. Sorry to hear you think I’m miserable and controlling for wanting my 3 year old to not shove her plate to one side because everyone else has finished. Hopefully she will grow out of it and be happy to continue even when she realises we have finished and then I can be less ‘miserable’ at the table.

I personally think it’s more miserable that people want to hurry their family members along when they need a few extra minutes.[/quote]
Just a thought, but if she pushes her plate aside and doesn’t finish her main course, before she gets her dessert sometimes, would that be the end of the world? If she had had enough when she stopped, she’ll eat her pudding and be fine. If she hasn’t eaten enough main course, maybe she will feel hungry later - and that is a natural consequence for her not finishing her mains - and you can tell her “If you had finished your dinner, you wouldn't be hungry now. Next time, eat up your dinner before you have pudding”.

She won’t starve to death if she doesn’t eat enough of her dinner occasionally - if she is really hungry later on, she could have an apple or a drink of milk.

Stacking plates at the table is pretty unpleasant too, especially if any scraping is involved.

As for people sitting silently staring at you while you eat @aSofaNearYou Where are their conversational skills? Their manners?

Can I add to this hosts at a dinner party loading/unloading dishwasher and cleaning up while guests are still there having coffee etc.

@Chicchicchicchiclana

Can I add to this hosts at a dinner party loading/unloading dishwasher and cleaning up while guests are still there having coffee etc.

This is a toddler eating at her grannies though. Not a dinner party. Full etiquette needn't be followed and as an occasional treat cake before main is finished isn't the end of the world!

@liveforsummer - I know. I was just making an additional observation, hence "can I add".

@SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius you’re right, it doesn’t matter as a one off at all if she doesn’t finish. I’m also not one for holding back pudding if the main course hasn’t been eaten but we don’t always have a pudding at all. It’s more just that she’s out off easily if the rest of us wander off so makes sense in my mind to just hang fire to give her a chance to eat. I’m sure she will grow out of it as she gets older.

I think if your mum is an ex nurse, you can appeal to that.

So say to her you really need dd to eat a balanced diet without making a big fuss. That she eats slowly, but if she stops too soon and moves onto pudding, she'll fill up on that or be asking for treats later.

That your mum needs to help you not signal to dd that the meal is over by clearing plates at all, not just not moving them to the kitchen, no stacking up. If dd thinks meal time is over, even if she's still hungry she will stop eating then want cake /junk, as a nurse, your mum must think you are doing the right thing to encourage eating meat and veg, not cake. Please can she help you. It might be boring for the adults, but hopefully dd will speed up as she gets older.

I hate this, some people wolf their food down and admittedly I'm a slower eater (maybe because I won't talk with my mouth full, don't shovel food in with one hand and like to engage in conversation over dinner...) , my brother takes his plate out and then doesn't even come back to the table, it's so rude and not how we were raised at all

It’s awful manners and I disagree with PP who said people don’t follow etiquette in their own homes.

If children cannot practice good manners at home then where are they meant to learn them?

I’d ask her to please stop clearing the table until everyone has finished eating.

When it's your own home, keep doing as your husband has done. I think you can also say something like "we're teaching DD to wait for others at the table so we like to wait for her too." However I'd let it go completely when you're in her home.

Yanbu, she is being rude. Sounds like she was not taught table manners, but never too late to learn.

@HintofVintagePink

It’s awful manners and I disagree with PP who said people don’t follow etiquette in their own homes.

If children cannot practice good manners at home then where are they meant to learn them?

I’d ask her to please stop clearing the table until everyone has finished eating.

If someone did this to me after I had cooked for them and was about to do the washing up while they sat back and relaxed, I would tell them to bloody do it themselves. Ok in your own home when you are the one doing the drudge work, but incredibly rude otherwise.