AIBU about clearing the table before everyone has finished?

[StayOrGoOrWhat]

My youngest DD, aged 3, tends to eat more slowly than the rest of us and if she realises that we’ve all finished, she stops eating. So once we are done, we remain seated with our plates there and just chat until she has finished.

When we are at my DMs or she is at ours, as soon as anyone has finished she starts collecting plates up and taking them into the kitchen. It drives me mad! She’s even been known to bring dessert in whilst DD is still eating and is then surprised when she abandons her food in favour of cake.

I’ve asked her not to and she has improved but it seems like some kind of compulsion to start piling plates before we are all done and it is driving me mad! Made me remember how when I was younger, DF would still be eating and have had the entire table cleared around him. So, AIBU to think that’s it’s just not great manners to clear up before everyone is finished?

Some people get really irritated by people eating very slowly, so if both you and your DD are still eating long after the others have finished maybe you need to try and sync eating speed with others at the table?

I eat slowly but put less on my plate so I don’t hold everyone up.

Maybe your MIL is worried pudding will get cold or dry or something if she’s timed it to serve when the majority finish eating?

@StrangeToSee

Some people get really irritated by people eating very slowly, so if both you and your DD are still eating long after the others have finished maybe you need to try and sync eating speed with others at the table?

I eat slowly but put less on my plate so I don’t hold everyone up.

Maybe your MIL is worried pudding will get cold or dry or something if she’s timed it to serve when the majority finish eating?

I think it's more that she eats super fast! She will admit to this and say it is a throw back to her nursing career where breaks could be short and rushed at times. DH almost shouted at her a few weeks ago in only a half joking way. 'Francis, just sit down and leave the plates, you're our guest'. Luckily we all get on well so his outburst didn't cause any problems

It depends. Sitting round the table for 45 mins as a wain nibbles at a carrot is ridiculous. 10 mins with some firm (ish) encouragement to finish up, fine.

Not sure about sitting DD down 10 mins earlier. What kind of table manners is that teaching a 3 year old? Surely Sunday lunch is meant to be leisurely and family time

I actually thought this sounded like a good idea - get the child eating first so she finishes with everyone else.

I eat quickly because I don't like cold food. But it is then annoying if other people takes ages. It's even more annoying when the host(ess) takes forever asking people if they want this and that, but say "start without me" but you know if you do, you'll have finished before they've taken their first mouthful but then your food goes cold while they're faffing about looking for sauce nobody asked for.

As for a Sunday roast being "family time". It takes about 2 hours to prepare and 10 minutes max to eat!

I was always taught it was incredibly bad manners to start eating before everyone else was sat to the table and to clear around people. This is the UK because I’ve been on many holidays to the US and in their restaurants it’s common place for empty plates to be whisked away as people finish. I think in a family setting it could be ok to clear a few bits away or encourage someone to start eating before everyone sits down IF you ask and get the ok, not just do it, give a little nod still to your knowledge of basic manners

I find it incredibly sad that some people on this thread can’t find half an hour to eat with their family each evening and have to clear away ASAP.

OP - your MIL is rude. Next time call her out on it as soon as it starts.

I see the Her house, her rules people are here. That may be, but if my guest explained that they were trying to get a child to eat and this would help, I'd obviously help. Same way I try not to undermine my friends' (sensible!) parenting choices in other ways.

Waiting staff in restaurants are trained not to do it, but in a private home ?
Her home, her rules.

@BelendaCarlisle

I find it incredibly sad that some people on this thread can’t find half an hour to eat with their family each evening and have to clear away ASAP.

OP - your MIL is rude. Next time call her out on it as soon as it starts.

I mean, it's a bit rich to call someone rude and in the same breath advocate calling someone out for cleaning up in their own home. I appreciate that it could be a bit of an annoying habit of MILs but "calling her out" would be incredibly rude.

As usual people are making this about their issues. If I was at a meal and the plates were whipped away- rude.
However in your situation why should everyone sit around watching a three year old slowly eat. If its not eaten in a reasonable time the plates should be cleared.

As another poster said, this is routine in U.S. restaurants and I hate it. I think it puts pressure on the person who hasn’t finished, no matter what age they are!

DH almost shouted at her a few weeks ago in only a half joking way. 'Francis, just sit down and leave the plates, you're our guest'. Luckily we all get on well so his outburst didn't cause any problems

Next times she's there just all keep a tight grip on your own plates once you've finished, I'm only half-joking

Ergh. This is so rude. Your DC only take 10 minutes longer, it really isn't that long. Surely you can all chat together for that amount of time? YANBU.

What is wrong with people? What’s the actual rush?

The correct manners is to serve and wait until everyone is served until you pick up your cutlery and begin to eat.

Then you place your cutlery, on the plate, lined together which is a signal you have finished. When everyone at the table reaches this stage the table is cleared.

There is a 5 minute break, then the next course begins.

Not really that tricky.

Anyone who washes a dish between courses, loads a dishwasher, serves something up prematurely or clears while someone is still eating is a bit out of line. Sit still and enjoy the social gathering and give the person eating (small DC allowing) time to finish. It isn’t a race.

YANBU. I hate this too. I have always been a fairly slow eater and faster probably eaters don't always realise the awkwardness you can feel when you are always last to finish. For me I think this feeling started in school when there was a rule at school dinner that nobody on the table could get up and leave the table until everyone had finished. The torture of sitting there with all the other kids hissing at you to hurry up and kicking you under the table. And of course this just makes things ten times worse your mouth dries up and you can't Swallow.

Slow eating isn't always a choice, it us just how you are.

My PILs used to do the clearing away thing while others were still eating. As soon as FIL finished his he would jump up and clear his plate and then proceed to take everyone else's as they became available.

If it was just me left eating I would be tempted to do a PA thing and leave whatever was on my plate saying "Oh don't let me hold you up". However when DD was small I didn't want her to give up so would plough on regardless and make sure I didn't finish before her.

Oh and if your Mum brings out pudding before your 3 yo is still eating mains she is an idiit

@GintyMcGinty

Its bad manners to

• clear the table when people are still eating
• serve the next course when people are still on the current one

Its an act madness to serve desert when a child is still eating their main

Couldn't have put it better.

She was sneakier yesterday. She never left the chair but grabbed DHs plate and stacked his and hers plates up whilst DD8, DD3 and I were still eating. Then sat with them in front of her as if she suddenly realised my no movement from the table rule.

This makes me think she’s just trying to be helpful/not a nuisance and then realised she shouldn’t but is almost on autopilot

@Aprilinspringtimeshower

I’ll add an observation of slow eating vs fast-any other people experienced this?

I have 2 DS . Both adults now. When babies eldest DS was very difficult to breast feed, I persisted but it seemed like he hardly took any and took ages. Seemed like he’d no sooner finished than he was ready for another feed because it took so long. I thought that was how breastfeeding was. Had my second child who would feed for 10 minutes then done for 3 hours.
When they both got older, my eldest took forever to eat and chew. Would take 30 minutes to finish. My youngest , like his dad and a bit like Mel would eat quickly and be done in 10 mins.
They are still like that. Eldest visits and meals are lengthy, social affairs. Youngest still just gets on with it quickly
But, my eldest is super slim: he has never struggled with his weight. He often doesn’t finish everything on his plate.
Youngest, like the rest of us in the family, can put weight on easily and potentially doesn’t stop when he should. Like his dad goes back for seconds. Has to work very hard to stay fit
So, I think that people who eat slower actually allow time for the hormones and brain to register they’re full.

My view now is to encourage slow eaters. And to try to slow done myself

I'd love to tell you that is true for all but not for me, I eat slowly and my arse is still the size of the moon unfortunately ☹

I think the issue here is that you are making the three year old the most important person at the table - rather than encouraging her to speed up a bit. People making their toddlers the centre of everyone else’s world are irritating.

@Zwellers

As usual people are making this about their issues. If I was at a meal and the plates were whipped away- rude. However in your situation why should everyone sit around watching a three year old slowly eat. If its not eaten in a reasonable time the plates should be cleared.

What a dick response!

A 3 year old is still learning table manners, using a fork etc so of course they will take longer than an adult to complete a meal.
And also if you bring out dessert whilst a child is still eating their main course, they will never learn to finish their meal before having dessert.

How do you honestly not get that? 🤦‍♀️

@SeaShoreGalore

I think the issue here is that you are making the three year old the most important person at the table - rather than encouraging her to speed up a bit. People making their toddlers the centre of everyone else’s world are irritating.

That's not what OP said though is it? She said they just sit and chat whilst 3yo finishes up whilst leaving the plates in place which is perfectly normal, no one is making the 3yo centre of attention.

@5foot5

YANBU. I hate this too. I have always been a fairly slow eater and faster probably eaters don't always realise the awkwardness you can feel when you are always last to finish. For me I think this feeling started in school when there was a rule at school dinner that nobody on the table could get up and leave the table until everyone had finished. The torture of sitting there with all the other kids hissing at you to hurry up and kicking you under the table. And of course this just makes things ten times worse your mouth dries up and you can't Swallow.

Slow eating isn't always a choice, it us just how you are.

My PILs used to do the clearing away thing while others were still eating. As soon as FIL finished his he would jump up and clear his plate and then proceed to take everyone else's as they became available.

If it was just me left eating I would be tempted to do a PA thing and leave whatever was on my plate saying "Oh don't let me hold you up". However when DD was small I didn't want her to give up so would plough on regardless and make sure I didn't finish before her.

Oh and if your Mum brings out pudding before your 3 yo is still eating mains she is an idiit

So everyone has to be on your schedule?

It is UNBELIEVABLY rude to start clearing plates whilst anyone at the table is still eating. A family meal seated at the table is about conversation and making contact not shoveling food into your mouth as fast as possible and moving on to the next thing.

Stacking plates whilst people are eating? No, no, no, no, no!

@SeaShoreGalore

I think the issue here is that you are making the three year old the most important person at the table - rather than encouraging her to speed up a bit. People making their toddlers the centre of everyone else’s world are irritating.

I mean, she is important, she’s a real person. I encourage her to keep up but honestly, waiting a few extra minutes for her to finish isn’t a problem here, we can all chat for a few minutes while we wait.

If it's a few extra minutes OP, then of course MIL is being unreasonable.

We're not talking big social occasions though, or even the big family sit down dinner of the day. Which is what a lot of posters are acting as if it is.

We all know the rules for an adult dinner. Wait for everyone to be served. Eat. Clear away only when everyone finished. But then adults know that if they're the only person still nursing their starter at a table ten minutes after everyone has finished, then they are equally rude in holding the whole table up from their next course. So it doesn't tend to happen. Maybe uniquely at Christmas, but we're not talking about that.

DH eats quickly. He's always finished a couple of minutes earlier. Elder DS bangs on and on and on, and would take an hour to clear his plate if we didn't literally tell him, stop talking and eat your food (he has ADHD). DTwin boy eats about the same rate as me. DTwin girl will eat one pea at a time. She is careful, considered, examines her food, chews at an excruciatingly slow pace. Our family does not have time to sit and wait for her to behave like this.

We will sometimes get up and leave her to eat. Funnily enough she then does speed up, because she needs to understand (and not learn) that she can't control 4 other people doing nothing for an hour because she's mousing her way through a cheese sandwich and we can't move in the name of manners. She also learns that finishing food in a timely manner means being allowed to get down from the table and back to colouring. Hence we allow her brother to do this, to try and speed her up with incentive.

Again though, OP, if this is four or five minutes, your MIL can wait.