AIBU about clearing the table before everyone has finished?

[StayOrGoOrWhat]

My youngest DD, aged 3, tends to eat more slowly than the rest of us and if she realises that we’ve all finished, she stops eating. So once we are done, we remain seated with our plates there and just chat until she has finished.

When we are at my DMs or she is at ours, as soon as anyone has finished she starts collecting plates up and taking them into the kitchen. It drives me mad! She’s even been known to bring dessert in whilst DD is still eating and is then surprised when she abandons her food in favour of cake.

I’ve asked her not to and she has improved but it seems like some kind of compulsion to start piling plates before we are all done and it is driving me mad! Made me remember how when I was younger, DF would still be eating and have had the entire table cleared around him. So, AIBU to think that’s it’s just not great manners to clear up before everyone is finished?

My mum used to complain that her own mother did this all the time she was growing up. She hated it and so would I.

I guess my DGM was more interested in getting the plates off the table rather than in the people sitting at it.

My mum does this and starts washing up immediately. It drives us mad. Just sit and talk to us!

my MIl does this but only aat our house because she is too frail to cook for guests anymore. I'm sure she thinks it's helping but it drives me mad, especially if it's a big dinner that took a lot of work and she is clearing up the plates before anyone has even had a chance for seconds.

I now seat her at the far end of the table with two of the DCs or my BILs on either side of her with strict instructions that they are not to give their plates up until everyone's finished. They are all quite happy to sit there slowly eating roasties for as long as it takes!

I agree that it’s very rude…
However, I can sort of see why it happens..you’ve spent ages cooking and you know you’ve then got to clear the table, wash up/load dishwasher, tidy the kitchen etc before you can finally sit down and finish your day and put your feet up and relax. Sometimes, I feel the urge to just get on and finish the job rather than have the patience to watch slow eaters . I don’t of course, but I can feel myself twitching and wanting to just get on and finish the chores.

I’ll add an observation of slow eating vs fast-any other people experienced this?

I have 2 DS . Both adults now. When babies eldest DS was very difficult to breast feed, I persisted but it seemed like he hardly took any and took ages. Seemed like he’d no sooner finished than he was ready for another feed because it took so long. I thought that was how breastfeeding was. Had my second child who would feed for 10 minutes then done for 3 hours.
When they both got older, my eldest took forever to eat and chew. Would take 30 minutes to finish. My youngest , like his dad and a bit like Mel would eat quickly and be done in 10 mins.
They are still like that. Eldest visits and meals are lengthy, social affairs. Youngest still just gets on with it quickly
But, my eldest is super slim: he has never struggled with his weight. He often doesn’t finish everything on his plate.
Youngest, like the rest of us in the family, can put weight on easily and potentially doesn’t stop when he should. Like his dad goes back for seconds. Has to work very hard to stay fit
So, I think that people who eat slower actually allow time for the hormones and brain to register they’re full.

My view now is to encourage slow eaters. And to try to slow done myself

@Aprilinspringtimeshower
What the fuck type of household do you live in!
If you cook dinner you don’t clear up, that’s the rule.
Especially something big like a roast, I understand you might if you just made cheese on toast. But otherwise. WTAF

“ My view now is to encourage slow eaters.”

To a point. There is also a point where as an adult (and assuming no disability) being a ridiculously slow eater is also rude especially if you are going to get huffy about everyone else moving on. Not five minutes because you’re helping a child cut up their food and not in the OP situation, but if you’re so busy talking (yes mother in law I mean you) or chewing three hundred times (mother in law again) or staring at the plate between mouthfuls (my child) that an hour has passed then at some point I think it’s reasonable for other people to move on with their day. Not necessarily at a birthday dinner or a special Sunday lunch but a bog standard weekday meal where we all sit for ages “talking” is just not practical. I feel the same way about people who take extraordinary amounts of time in the bathroom messing around with phones/newspapers or hours putting make up on for a night out and keep everyone waiting. At some point the person keeping everyone else waiting is rude.

She was sneakier yesterday. She never left the chair but grabbed DHs plate and stacked his and hers plates up whilst DD8, DD3 and I were still eating. Then sat with them in front of her as if she suddenly realised my no movement from the table rule

That's even worse. Does she do the scraping things on to one plate too?

That actually puts me off my food.

YANBU

I’d find it rude if adults were eating but wouldn’t think anything of it if waiting for small children.
It’s her house, she can do what she likes.

Lots of people eat too fast
They generally wolf it down like an animal
Never stop to talk

Noted how many FIL are mentioned here

I remember reading somewhere that the queen always eats slowly because she knows that as soon as she finishes the servants will whisk away all the plates from the table. This is the etiquette in royal circles. When Queen Victoria was on the throne she used to eat very quicky with no consideration for the other diners. This meant that the guests also had to gobble their food before the servants took away the plates.

I think it is a cultural thing- in some places I've been abroad they whisk away your plate the second it's empty.

[quote Excelthetube]@Aprilinspringtimeshower
What the fuck type of household do you live in!
If you cook dinner you don’t clear up, that’s the rule.
Especially something big like a roast, I understand you might if you just made cheese on toast. But otherwise. WTAF[/quote]
🤣🤣 actually my rule is you cook, you clean. Believe me this is the better option. I lived with 3 blokes (DH and 2 DS all good cooks) who all cooked but did not:

1. Clean up as they went along
2. Use equipment conservatively ( ie they used very bit of kit they could find)

I refused point blank to clear up their Bomb sites. I only clear up after I cook and limit my own damage 🤣🤣

If she is from anywhere other than the UK it may be cultural. Lots of countries view it as rude to leave an empty plate in front of someone.

YANBU. Everyone should wait for the time being - you are teaching your child good table manners.

I clear up before my kids have finished (I ask if they want any condiments etc leaving out). I’ve got too much to do to sit there and watch other people eat. I wouldn’t sit and eat dessert when there’s children still eating their dinner though

This. My DD is 3 and if we all sat waiting for her to finish it would be interminable. I've got too much shit to be getting on with. We are all in the kitchen/diner though as still chatting etc so it's not antisocial. I wouldn't do it if we had guests though and I wouldn't bring out the pudding until everyone was finished.

I don't think it is rude at all to start clearing up, the person that is going to have to do that should not have to tiptoe around people. But I do think it's inconsiderate to bring pudding out.

You don’t start eating til everyone has food in front of them.
You don’t clear up until every has finished. Basic manners that you might adapt depending on the company, but only with mutual consent.

Really bad manners! My exh used to get up and start rooting around for puddings before everyone had finished. Or just got up and went. Drove me mad!

Speak to your mother about it again.
Tell her that if she forgets and starts clearing you'll say something like "Hang on a minute" to remind her to wait for DD.

This is what you've chosen to do, to encourage DD to eat all her food so your Mum just has to get used to it, especially when she's in your house.

@Vaselike

You don’t start eating til everyone has food in front of them. You don’t clear up until every has finished. Basic manners that you might adapt depending on the company, but only with mutual consent.

The former is manners from the guests. The latter is an expectation of the host, which in my opinion is acrually pretty bad manners in itself. You must clean up after me and you MUST gain my consent to not do it at a certain time.

Yes also to the not starting eating until everyone had got their food. Before kids, I used to keep the knives and forks back so that exh couldn’t start eating without me! Especially with takeaways as he’d always say “oh we don’t need that much” and itd be gone by the time I sat down!

I don't know why but this thread just reminded me of being at my grans every new years day. She always insisted she would cook at her house.
Every year some people would be on starters, some on mains and some on pudding.
It was always chaos and my mum always ended up with indigestion and I would find the whole day hilarious
In our house we always wait until everyone is finished eating. Maybe I have found my reason why 😂😂
Thank you for the blast from the past.

This entirely depends. Yes it's bad manners. With adults, I'd never do this

Is your DD taking far too long on every occasion. In which case, everyone else can't be expected to indulge her under the guise of manners. Or, of we're only talking a few minutes, then yes, it's bad manners to clear things around her

Exactly.

Another one who can't wait around all day.

I whip empty the plates away but I wouldn't get the pudding out.
This is in my own home though not someone else's