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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU about clearing the table before everyone has finished?

145 replies

StayOrGoOrWhat · 30/08/2021 13:26

My youngest DD, aged 3, tends to eat more slowly than the rest of us and if she realises that we’ve all finished, she stops eating. So once we are done, we remain seated with our plates there and just chat until she has finished.

When we are at my DMs or she is at ours, as soon as anyone has finished she starts collecting plates up and taking them into the kitchen. It drives me mad! She’s even been known to bring dessert in whilst DD is still eating and is then surprised when she abandons her food in favour of cake.

I’ve asked her not to and she has improved but it seems like some kind of compulsion to start piling plates before we are all done and it is driving me mad! Made me remember how when I was younger, DF would still be eating and have had the entire table cleared around him. So, AIBU to think that’s it’s just not great manners to clear up before everyone is finished?

OP posts:
Original poster
StayOrGoOrWhat · 30/08/2021 14:02

@SandraOhh

So did you call her out on it yesterday? When she rises to leave the table I would be saying do not start collecting plates, I've told you once before and it's really rude and annoying. How did she get chance to start piling them up?
She was sneakier yesterday. She never left the chair but grabbed DHs plate and stacked his and hers plates up whilst DD8, DD3 and I were still eating. Then sat with them in front of her as if she suddenly realised my no movement from the table rule.
OP posts:
Jumpingintosummer · 30/08/2021 14:03

Terrible manners!

Years ago fil had plated up and finished his Christmas dinner before I had sat in my seat after bringing it all to the table (he didn’t like the last few things to arrive and hoovers food!). He got up, sat on the armchair in the corner of the room snd asked if I was making tea? I considered stabbing him with my fork!
Mil went to begin clearing plates as people sat down cutlery… DD and I were still eating and I lost my shit!

Excelthetube · 30/08/2021 14:07

It’s common

godmum56 · 30/08/2021 14:10

YANBU very bad manners....and yes her house she can do what she likes but NOT at yours

BlackShadowCat · 30/08/2021 14:11

I know someone who gives her kids 20 minutes to eat and then clears the plates whether they are finished or not. 10 minutes can feel like a long time, so I do understand your mum's impatience.

soapboxqueen · 30/08/2021 14:12

It depends what you mean.

Removing plates with food on that people are still eating, yes it's rude.

Removing cleared plates while someone else is still eating. Not rude. I've got stuff to do. I'm not hanging about.

It's just mess that needs clearing.

Yes it will be an automatic habit on the part of your MIL.

Just remind her to not clear away or sit your dd down ten minutes earlier.

SnackSizeRaisin · 30/08/2021 14:13

Politeness would mean the host is the first to start (only once everyone's served obviously - guests should not start eating before the host) and the host should be the last to finish i.e. should watch everyone else and not finish before them. So if it's her house she's really rude. If your house it's rude too. Just don't eat with them any more and explain why.

Excelthetube · 30/08/2021 14:15

@soapboxqueen
You actually do that! If you had people round for dinner you would do that! I’m Shock

SnackSizeRaisin · 30/08/2021 14:15

Removing cleared plates while someone else is still eating. Not rude. I've got stuff to do. I'm not hanging about.

You might have stuff to do but that doesn't mean it's good manners! To be fair polite guests would offer to clear the table giving you one less thing to do.
I guess it depends whether dinner with visitors is something to be enjoyed or just rushed through to get onto the next thing

Original poster
StayOrGoOrWhat · 30/08/2021 14:18

@SnackSizeRaisin

Politeness would mean the host is the first to start (only once everyone's served obviously - guests should not start eating before the host) and the host should be the last to finish i.e. should watch everyone else and not finish before them. So if it's her house she's really rude. If your house it's rude too. Just don't eat with them any more and explain why.
Can’t just not eat with my Mum anymore, she lives alone and we enjoy spending time together. It’s not such a big issue that I want to cut her off or anything. Just asking for opinions about clearing plates away while some people are still eating.
OP posts:
Original poster
StayOrGoOrWhat · 30/08/2021 14:19

@soapboxqueen

It depends what you mean.

Removing plates with food on that people are still eating, yes it's rude.

Removing cleared plates while someone else is still eating. Not rude. I've got stuff to do. I'm not hanging about.

It's just mess that needs clearing.

Yes it will be an automatic habit on the part of your MIL.

Just remind her to not clear away or sit your dd down ten minutes earlier.

Not sure about sitting DD down 10 mins earlier. What kind of table manners is that teaching a 3 year old? Surely Sunday lunch is meant to be leisurely and family time?!
OP posts:
sillysmiles · 30/08/2021 14:19

Removing cleared plates while someone else is still eating. Not rude. I've got stuff to do. I'm not hanging about.

No it is rude.

soapboxqueen · 30/08/2021 14:21

@SnackSizeRaisin

Removing cleared plates while someone else is still eating. Not rude. I've got stuff to do. I'm not hanging about.

You might have stuff to do but that doesn't mean it's good manners! To be fair polite guests would offer to clear the table giving you one less thing to do.
I guess it depends whether dinner with visitors is something to be enjoyed or just rushed through to get onto the next thing

I do enjoy having my guests and I'd much rather be chatting to them and having a nice time rather than sat with a table of dirty dishes.
trunumber · 30/08/2021 14:23

My mum does this - she's got ADHD though so struggles to not be doing something

randomsabreuse · 30/08/2021 14:24

There's a difference between a restaurant situation (where tables are often smaller) and a home meal with people you're supposed to be socialising with. If the waiter removes plates as they're finished it does not really interrupt the flow of conversation and ambience but if a family member is up dealing with plates the person who is last (usually a young child or someone dealing with a young child) will feel uncomfortable!

Main thing is teaching table manners to DC, who tend to protest at inconsistencies!

soapboxqueen · 30/08/2021 14:24

[quote Excelthetube]@soapboxqueen
You actually do that! If you had people round for dinner you would do that! I’m Shock[/quote]
We (pre - Covid) hosted regularly and went to others regularly. Same situation all round. Different strokes for different folks I guess.

GintyMcGinty · 30/08/2021 14:26

Its bad manners to

  • clear the table when people are still eating
  • serve the next course when people are still on the current one

Its an act madness to serve desert when a child is still eating their main

PerseverancePays · 30/08/2021 14:36

My MIL was like this. One Christmas she managed to get from sitting down to everything washed up in twenty minutes! All the while telling me how incompetent I was. She was hard work, luckily she lived over twelve hours drive away, so only saw her once a year.

FrankGrillosWrist · 30/08/2021 14:40

Your mom probably thinks she helping by clearing away, rather than sitting there waiting for you & your daughter to slowly finish your meal. I'd clear up too as I can't be doing with people slowly nibbling away, pausing, putting cutlery down, chatting, sipping water after every few mouthfuls. Just grab the cake from your mom & tell your daughter she can have it as soon as she's finished.

NotJuryDutyAgain · 30/08/2021 14:44

Next time, I'd keep an eye on her and try to remind her not to gather the dishes as she starts. Maybe even remind her at the start of the meal, if you think it might help (though that seems a bit obsessive).

I'd also approach it with your child. She's young and her eating will eventually improve, eventually. In the meantime, I'd tell her she can't have dessert until she finishes X amount, can't get down from her chair to play until she eats X amount, etc. "Finish your chicken and your peas, then you can get down. I'll wait."

It's not fun, but it's not all down to your mother's speedy table-clearing, imo.

234Pepperplant · 30/08/2021 14:48

Ten minutes is one thing. One of my children can easily take an hour longer than everyone else (he has autism and takes a very long time to eat a meal) and so yes, I do usually clear up around him and let my other child eat dessert and get on with their life. He is perfectly happy just ploughing on with his dinner oblivious.

For the sake of ten minutes and in someone else’s house it’s rude though.

Excelthetube · 30/08/2021 14:50

I think it’s EVEN more rude when waiters do it. That’s the sign of a not great restaurant
I’ve actually had to say to a waiter, please wait, clearly someone is still eating.

Beachhuts90 · 30/08/2021 14:59

@thirstyformore

I think it is very bad manners to clear away when someone is still eating, but I noticed when I went to the States on holiday that they have the compete opposite view. Whisk your plate away as soon as you've finished eating so you don't have a dirty plate in front of you. Drove me crazy!!!
Many people in the states, including my family, consider it rude for the plates to be taken away while someone else is still eating too. It's not as ubiquitous as here though and I'm not sure if maybe it differs by region, or something else.
TwinsandTrifle · 30/08/2021 15:02

This entirely depends. Yes it's bad manners. With adults, I'd never do this.

However DTwins, the boy eats at normal speed, as do DH and I and DS. However, the girl fannies around at the speed of smell. If we waited for her to finish, we would literally be all sitting there watching her for around 30 minutes. I don't have an extra hour a day to indulge this. She needs to eat at a normal rate, we don't all stop our day, every time, for such a long time.

DD taking 5 minutes extra is ok. DD taking 20 minutes extra on every meal, at the age of 3, isn't. It doesn't take half an hour to eat a sandwich, but that's what girl twin would do if allowed, with her general slowness and sparrows mouthfuls.

Only you'll know the answer to this OP. Is your DD taking far too long on every occasion. In which case, everyone else can't be expected to indulge her under the guise of manners. Or, of we're only talking a few minutes, then yes, it's bad manners to clear things around her.

youdoyoutoday · 30/08/2021 15:08

It's really rude, I'm the slow eater in the house, usually because I sit down last but I do eat slowly and that would piss me off.

Your dd is still learning table manners etc and it's not setting a good example to her especially when dessert comes out. I understand fully why you'd be pissed off