To not invite my sister to my wedding

FortunesFave · 30/08/2021 08:34

she mocked my 7 year old niece with a lazy eye

she is going to be devastated

Ah well....taste of her own medicine eh? Of course you can't invite her. Someone like this can't be trusted....and she needs to learn there are ramifications...when she's a horrible person.

TopBlogger · 30/08/2021 08:34

Is she the type to turn up anyway? No doubt she'll find out the date and venue fairly easily, things get out.

Unless it's a destination wedding, she could be there uninvited and cause more trouble for you.

Original poster

namechanged1090 · 30/08/2021 08:35

@TopBlogger

This is a possibility but I am only having immediate family and none of them talk to her so they won't tell her.

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Marni83 · 30/08/2021 08:35

What is odd
Is that you have a relationship with someone who mocked your niece because of her lazy eye
And if I was you mother of this child, not a chance I’d accept an invite knowing she was there

BaconAvocado · 30/08/2021 08:36

She sounds nasty. Don't invite her if you don't want her there.

GorgonzolaSouffle · 30/08/2021 08:38

Definitely do not invite her

If she finds out, you will be doing her a kindness in explaining why she wasn’t invited.

BaconAvocado · 30/08/2021 08:38

I don’t know how I will broach this with her, I was bridesmaid at her wedding she is going to be devastated.

Tough. She's a nasty piece of work. If she asks just tell her the truth. She'll upset everyone by being there and after her comments about 7 year old neice you don't want her there.

Original poster

namechanged1090 · 30/08/2021 08:38

@FortunesFave

I spoke to her about this. I said she behaved like a schoolyard bully without the excuse of being 11. She says she said it to one person and it was out of concern said child's parents weren't doing enough. I don't know because I wasn't there (I am a shift worker and missed the event) but why would one of my cousins say it happened if it didn't? I didn't talk to my brother about it.

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TopBlogger · 30/08/2021 08:38

Ah that's good. I wouldn't invite her, actions have reactions. This is your reaction to her nastiness

Marni83 · 30/08/2021 08:43

[quote namechanged1090]@FortunesFave

I spoke to her about this. I said she behaved like a schoolyard bully without the excuse of being 11. She says she said it to one person and it was out of concern said child's parents weren't doing enough. I don't know because I wasn't there (I am a shift worker and missed the event) but why would one of my cousins say it happened if it didn't? I didn't talk to my brother about it. [/quote]
In any event
You said it wasn’t a one off bout of extreme nastiness

Original poster

namechanged1090 · 30/08/2021 08:47

@TopBlogger

She denies that event happened as I heard it reported. To be honest I well believe she would do something like this, she hates the fact that my brother totally ignores her and just wouldn't know where to draw the line in nasty behaviour. That guy is the most kind guy and I have known him be horrible to anyone, ever and we are one school year apart so I know he is very sound. He ignores her because he can't tolerate her.

Like I say this sort of thing is not a one off but it is many years since I have heard of her doing something like this (she is 40), but she is very rarely invited anywhere.

My cousin (the one that invited her to the christening) seems to think that I am involving my self and taking sides by not inviting her to my wedding.

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Original poster

namechanged1090 · 30/08/2021 08:51

Re actually broaching it with her I don't want to dwell too much of the bullying of the niece. It will just repercussion someone else and I just don't want to give it oxygen .

I am thinking of saying.... "it is a small wedding and she has a lot of tension with most of the people that she knows there. I want it to be a comfortable environment and I don't think it will be unless she has built some bridges and even if she does that I don't want my wedding to be her first outing. I am happy to go for a meal with her and her family the day after the wedding as I would like her to be part of the celebrations with me and DH"

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Marni83 · 30/08/2021 08:52

Wasn’t it your cousin who says she heard your sister mock re the lazy eye?

Original poster

namechanged1090 · 30/08/2021 08:54

@Marni83

Yes my cousin but a different one to the one who held the christening.

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QueenHofScotland · 30/08/2021 08:57

I wouldn’t mention the incident at the christening. I would just say that because of family dynamics you just don’t think it’s possible for her to be at the wedding.

I assume you are closer to your mum and brothers and want them there as opposed to her - she might ask why you’ve chosen to have them there and not her.

Original poster

namechanged1090 · 30/08/2021 09:02

@QueenHofScotland

I am close enough to my mum although she is very hard work. I would be devastated if my brothers couldn't be there. To be fair my brothers would not cause drama with her but my mum would be very sulky and insufferable, not just on the day but for maybe a year.... there are actually 2 children in my family... my mum and my sister.

I asked my dad (as he has a relationship with her and is generally practical) he said I should do what I want but "if she was there there wouldn't be room for anyone else" which is probably a true statement.

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Original poster

namechanged1090 · 30/08/2021 09:08

The odd thing about my sister is that when I meet her and her family, she is actually lovely. Her husband is a nice guy, her kids are well behaved and genuinely nice to be around. I can tell she is an excellent mother, it makes me so proud of her. My DH cannot understand why everyone so intensely dislikes her, especially as my brothers are so incredibly easy going.

We had some really tough family dynamics growing up because her and my mum had a pretty toxic relationship. It is something that makes me make allowances for her.....

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Marni83 · 30/08/2021 09:12

So the cousin who says she heard your sister mooch your niece
Is also encouraging you to invite your sister

How peculiar
She doesn’t sound particularly appealing either

AlrightThereSkippy · 30/08/2021 09:17

I would talk to the sister about it. She may realise she shouldn't be there and might prefer to celebrate with you separately with just you and her family since she is lovely when it's just you? If she's lovely and reasonable with you then keep it to just you.

I know someone like this who is lovely one on one, but awful in bigger groups. It may be a form of social anxiety or something and she lashes out and behaves like a tit. Not that I'm excusing bad behaviour, like making fun of a child, but it's one explanation.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 30/08/2021 09:21

It's a tough one OP

On the one hand you're describing her as a nasty piece of work. On the other you seem to want to continue a relationship with her, and are worried about her feelings.

In the context of the wedding, unfortunately its going to be difficult to have it both ways. She is going to be upset and it might damage your relationship.

So I think you have to decide what's more important to you, to continue a relationship with your sister who you think can be a nasty person, or to have a wedding without being completely stressed. If you want her in your life then it's not an easy decision to make, and it's easy for people here to say not to invite her.

I'm not sure if there is any other way around it. Only thing I can think of is if there is anyone that talks to her there (your dad?) getting him to watch her, give her a clear set of rules to follow and assign him to watch her and try and steer her away from any awful behaviour, and chuck her out if she breaks any rules. Or give her a role at your wedding, something that means she has minimal contact with people

Original poster

namechanged1090 · 30/08/2021 09:26

@Marni83

No sorry I have probably 18 cousins who were at that christening. The one who invited my sister to the christening actually knows my sister the best. They work indirectly together, meet a lot in their spare time etc. That cousin is all about openness and would never get involved in family disagreements. She says schedule stuff invite everyone, don't take sides and let the sort it out themselves.

The cousin who told me about the bullying event is a totally separate person. She said my sister was drunk and loud. She said the comment was said directly to her and she was really uncomfortable.

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Ozanj · 30/08/2021 09:26

@namechanged1090

The odd thing about my sister is that when I meet her and her family, she is actually lovely. Her husband is a nice guy, her kids are well behaved and genuinely nice to be around. I can tell she is an excellent mother, it makes me so proud of her. My DH cannot understand why everyone so intensely dislikes her, especially as my brothers are so incredibly easy going.

We had some really tough family dynamics growing up because her and my mum had a pretty toxic relationship. It is something that makes me make allowances for her.....

My Mum and one of my brothers are toxic mother fuckers and used to tell family made up stories about me to paint me in a really bad light. Everyone believed them right up until very recently when the truth unravelled. If your Mum is toxic it’s possible something similar is happening in your family - don’t believe that your brothers are entirely without fault. You may not know what happened - toxicbfamilies usually try to scapegoat people who call bad behaviour out. So I wouldn’t be surprised if your Mum or one of your brothers is engineering the rumours around your sister.

I think as it’s your wedding you should do what you want. Seems like you and your Oh have always known your sister to be lovely and she has proven this to you - so you should invite her. Maybe put her on a different table to your Mum and brothers.

Ozanj · 30/08/2021 09:28

[quote namechanged1090]@Marni83

No sorry I have probably 18 cousins who were at that christening. The one who invited my sister to the christening actually knows my sister the best. They work indirectly together, meet a lot in their spare time etc. That cousin is all about openness and would never get involved in family disagreements. She says schedule stuff invite everyone, don't take sides and let the sort it out themselves.

The cousin who told me about the bullying event is a totally separate person. She said my sister was drunk and loud. She said the comment was said directly to her and she was really uncomfortable.
[/quote]
I would never believe a cousin over a sibling who has proven good behaviour to me, so I would immediately be suspicious.

AtrociousCircumstance · 30/08/2021 09:29

I would love to hear your sisters version of events.

mnahmnah · 30/08/2021 09:33

If she was drunk and loud at the christening, then is it a drink thing? Does she only upset people and misbehave when she’s even drinking?