Page 2 | To not invite my sister to my wedding

namechanged1090 · 2021-08-30T07:29:40+00:00

In my immediate family only my dad and I have a relationship with my sister. She literally cannot be in the same room as my mum and my 4 brothers intensely dislike her. Two of the 4 boys are so incredibly laid back I don’t think I have ever known them have a falling out with anyone. One is normal and the final one is absolutely precious, so anyone can fall out with him! I am getting married and I don’t feel like I can invite her to my wedding. She will upset everyone by being there. My cousin had a christening just before covid and she mocked my 7 year old niece with a lazy eye, really horrible behaviour and not a one off. I just don’t think I can tolerate this on my big day. I would be on egg shells. Would I be terrible to not invite her? I don’t know how I will broach this with her, I was bridesmaid at her wedding she is going to be devastated.

mnahmnah · 30/08/2021 09:33

*been drinking

waltzingparrot · 30/08/2021 09:34

You don't need any drama. You want to be able to relax and enjoy your wedding day. Don't invite her.

ExtraOnions · 30/08/2021 09:34

Where does the dislike come from … prior to the Christening ? What are the incidents that have caused it ?

With the Christening incident, what was actually said that was “mocking” ? She says she said something out of “concern”.. what was said ?

Reading the thread, seems like you have already made the decision not to invite, and are now gathering the reasons to justify it.

One of my sisters is a huge PITA.. still invited her to my big birthday later this year, she’s decided not to come - which is fine

Mazblue86 · 30/08/2021 09:37

If you want her there and want a continued relationship with her, you should invite her. Her relationship with everyone else is their business and not your responsibly to manage.

Original poster

namechanged1090 · 30/08/2021 09:38

@Ozanj

They were very good to her growing up. Sympathetic even.. they used to take the blame for stuff she did because they would get in less trouble.

They only distanced themselves as adults. They all have their own individual reasons that surprisingly are separate. She crashed one of their cars and refused to take ownership of the event leaving him in a pickle. Things like the comment about my niece happened before, just not for a long long time. She matured a lot when she had her kids but the other siblings were already over having a relationship with her. I gave her a second chance.

I am thinking of telling her that she needs to try and engage them in mediation to build a relationship with them, which will take time. If she does that and the tension lessens I would love to have her at events. That at be in time for my wedding.

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Original poster

namechanged1090 · 30/08/2021 09:47

@ExtraOnions

I gave some examples of things that happened with the other siblings in my response just above. Sorry I maybe should of put it straight out there but I thought it would get long.

I have decided I am not inviting her and I just want to position it with her in the right way. I don't actually think she is a bad person, she has had a hard life and she has done bad things. It is like she has a real problem with impulse control and knowing where to draw the line. When we were in school she had a lot of physical altercations got suspended a lot, expelled etc. She broke up with a boyfriend and kind of ruined his life. She just gets too determined and doesn't think about other people. Does that make sense? With her kids she appears lovely and soft... she was adorable to me as a child..... but there is a very definitely another side to her.

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Original poster

namechanged1090 · 30/08/2021 09:51

@mnahmnah

She isn't a big drinker. I think one or 2 glasses could make her drunk.

I suspect she was stressed because all of my brothers ignore her and drank more than normal. She wanted to provoke my brother to have a reaction and was horrible about his child. He gave her no reaction, he is over her and nothing she can do will surprise him anymore. She doesn't know where to draw the line or stop... she will just keep on going...

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Original poster

namechanged1090 · 30/08/2021 09:56

@Ozanj

The only thing that was surprising is that this hasn't happened in 10 years, so it a behaviour out of the blue. This sort of thing used to happen a lot before she met her DH ( who is lovely and calm).

The reason I don't see this sort of thing is because there isn't conflict when I see her just with her family. It is conflict that brings out the worst in her. She can't handle it at all and it definitely needs help understanding where to stop and count to 10

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LEMtheoriginal · 30/08/2021 10:03

You were a bridesmaid at her wedding, she will be devastated. Can your family not be civil for a few hours? Youve called her out on the nasty comments re the child. That is done.

ExtraOnions · 30/08/2021 10:03

[quote namechanged1090]@ExtraOnions

I gave some examples of things that happened with the other siblings in my response just above. Sorry I maybe should of put it straight out there but I thought it would get long.

I have decided I am not inviting her and I just want to position it with her in the right way. I don't actually think she is a bad person, she has had a hard life and she has done bad things. It is like she has a real problem with impulse control and knowing where to draw the line. When we were in school she had a lot of physical altercations got suspended a lot, expelled etc. She broke up with a boyfriend and kind of ruined his life. She just gets too determined and doesn't think about other people. Does that make sense? With her kids she appears lovely and soft... she was adorable to me as a child..... but there is a very definitely another side to her.

[/quote]
So … sometime ago she crashed a car and didn’t take responsibility.. which is a shitty thing to do.

She said some unspecified things years ago, but hasn’t said anything horrible for ages as she has matured - yep, sounds normal … haven’t we all said stupid things when younger ?

She broke up with a boyfriend, and you took his side

Then there was this recent incident, which you have decided to not believe her about.

So we have a woman, who has made mistakes in the past, who has learned and matured.. who is now ignored by most of her siblings, harshly judged, and excluded. If I was her I would be telling you all to fuck yourselves.

godmum56 · 30/08/2021 10:06

OP, how much of what your Sis did is known by you to be actual fact from your own knowledge and how much is reported and/or hearsay?

Original poster

namechanged1090 · 30/08/2021 10:09

@LEMtheoriginal

I know she will be devastated. That is why I am sad but she has done a lot of bad things and has upset people. She does need to take ownership and apologise/ build bridges. She needs professional help to do this from a qualified mediator and this is not a quick fix. The trust needs to be totally rebuilt. That is assuming they accept her outreach (which actually I am not sure they will). I think if she tried.... the siblings would be nice enough but it wouldn't be comfortable for me. I would feel on tenderhooks.... I don't want my wedding to be remembered as the one that an 8 year old got bullied by a fully grown woman/ mother....

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DoItAfraid · 30/08/2021 10:11

Is alcohol ever involved in her “bad behaviour” incidents?

DoItAfraid · 30/08/2021 10:13

Sorry I just saw you had already answered about alcohol.

HeyDugeesCakeBadge · 30/08/2021 10:14

OP how much of her bad behaviour has been in recent times (other than the lazy eye incident?). Are you sure she would have mocked a child and this was not the perception of others due to their relationship with her? I think you'll severely damage your relationship with her by just not inviting her - why don't you sit down and discuss your concerns before making a decision? See what her thoughts are?

ExtraOnions · 30/08/2021 10:16

[quote namechanged1090]@LEMtheoriginal

I know she will be devastated. That is why I am sad but she has done a lot of bad things and has upset people. She does need to take ownership and apologise/ build bridges. She needs professional help to do this from a qualified mediator and this is not a quick fix. The trust needs to be totally rebuilt. That is assuming they accept her outreach (which actually I am not sure they will). I think if she tried.... the siblings would be nice enough but it wouldn't be comfortable for me. I would feel on tenderhooks.... I don't want my wedding to be remembered as the one that an 8 year old got bullied by a fully grown woman/ mother....
[/quote]
When did an 8 year old get bullied ? We’ve still not been told what was said, and why you have chosen once persons version over another.

All this stuff she said was years ago - why are you all unable to move on?

A mediator ? Seriously ?

My bother was a heroin addict … he stole from me, burgled my other sister house, sold my other brothers instruments. He was aggressive, rude and demanding. He went through rehab and has been clean 20 years. Never once have I sat and demanded and apology. He was young, stupid and fighting his own demons. He’s family, and I love him … and he needed compassion.

Newmum29 · 30/08/2021 10:17

You just want people to say it’s okay not to invite her but it isn’t really. You’re taking your brothers’ sides because it’s easier and you probably like them more. That’s excusable but not inviting her because of something you heard secondhand at an event you weren’t even at is really gilding the lily.

Newmum29 · 30/08/2021 10:18

Also the idea of giving her conditions to earn the right to come to your wedding is ridiculous. Get over yourself. If you want her to make up with your brothers that should be motivated by a desire for her to improve her life not make things easier for you.

HalzTangz · 30/08/2021 10:22

So the way I read this from all your posts, mum and sister clash, this caused brothers to take mums side, you saw things how it was so maintained relationship with your sister as did your child.

One cousin claims sister was mocking but no one else confirms this and sister denies this. Baring in mind your family dislike your sister, so could this incident actually be fictional?

If it was me I would be saying to all concerned that this is your wedding and you expect everyone to be on best behaviour and pleasant with each other. If anyone can't do that then they should stay at home. Be firm with this and be prepared to send someone home if they don't stick to this.

Have a lovely wedding OP

Original poster

namechanged1090 · 30/08/2021 10:24

@ExtraOnions

My cousin said she was saying "look at child x you wouldn't know which way she was looking." She kept repeating it louder and louder like it was hilarious and everyone got it.

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MrsBertBibby · 30/08/2021 10:26

If it is conflict she can't handle, who is causing the conflict? Your lovely brothers? Your mum?

I am getting a strong impression that your sister is the scapegoat in your family, and you are perpetuating that.

JaninaDuszejko · 30/08/2021 10:36

Invite your sister and her lovely DH. Are your Mum and Dad together? Can you get him to keep them apart so your sister isn't upset by your Mum or brothers? Or the nice cousin who thinks she should be invited, would she be happy to protect your sister from your Mum and brothers? Because not inviting your sister will devastate her and your relationship will never recover. Particularly because it seems to be based on the gossip from one cousin, there is no evidence the child heard or understood what was said by your sister and frankly the cousin sounds like they are stirring things up.

minisoksmakehardwork · 30/08/2021 10:36

I feel for your sister a bit. Only because I feel like I could have been her growing up. I avoid alcohol mostly because I can get silly when drunk. I lose inhibitions which would normally prevent me from upsetting other people. I can be blunt, I can be seen as aggressive or overly emotional.

What I now know, is I grew up with undiagnosed Adhd. It's taken me until now to get that diagnosis and now lots of things are clicking into place.

I have a tricky relationship with immediate family members in part because of some of my actions but also because I now know they failed me growing up. They offered support and help elsewhere in my family and blamed me for things which were out of my control.

I was made the scapegoat for lots of issues which I now see lie elsewhere.

Of course, asking people to see things from my viewpoint is impossible as no one wants to admit they let me down or because they didn't see what happened in the same way I did.

All you can do is work out who you want at your wedding and ask everyone to behave themselves. If you have an otherwise good relationship with your sister, why should she be excluded because of others opinions of her?

ExtraOnions · 30/08/2021 10:38

[quote namechanged1090]@ExtraOnions

My cousin said she was saying "look at child x you wouldn't know which way she was looking." She kept repeating it louder and louder like it was hilarious and everyone got it. [/quote]
…and what does your sister say she said ?

Original poster

namechanged1090 · 30/08/2021 10:39

@godmum56

I have seen lots of things over the years where she just says really spiteful things about people often in front of them which is wrong for the person and super uncomfortable to the person hearing about it.

A lot of times it is commenting on appearance or wealth. To think of one example I was at a family event and she started saying "god mum has got really fat" Another time talking about a mixed race child's nose... I honestly think she thinks she is funny but it is rude and unpleasant and people don't move on they get annoyed hold grudges or avoid contact.

To me one of the most annoying thing she does is turn up to events she has not been invited. I lived abroad for a while I organised a dinner with parents and one of my brothers and his wife. She turns up sits and the next table. For context I am 1 or 6 and they weren't all invited, too hard to schedule that so I just went with who I knew would be around. Another time I went on holiday to somewhere we used to go as a child... she arrives the exact same week....

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