To not invite my sister to my wedding

[namechanged1090]

In my immediate family only my dad and I have a relationship with my sister. She literally cannot be in the same room as my mum and my 4 brothers intensely dislike her. Two of the 4 boys are so incredibly laid back I don’t think I have ever known them have a falling out with anyone. One is normal and the final one is absolutely precious, so anyone can fall out with him!

I am getting married and I don’t feel like I can invite her to my wedding. She will upset everyone by being there. My cousin had a christening just before covid and she mocked my 7 year old niece with a lazy eye, really horrible behaviour and not a one off. I just don’t think I can tolerate this on my big day. I would be on egg shells. Would I be terrible to not invite her? I don’t know how I will broach this with her, I was bridesmaid at her wedding she is going to be devastated.

Something is off here. You say she is fine with you but is nasty to others. Which you believe, even though you haven't seen it first hand. I wonder if she feels thoroughly rejected by her family, probably started by your mother, and is lashing out at their bad treatment of her?

Also find this off since drip feed. Could it be she's a bit of a scapegoat? Or is she really a creepy, ableist, racist?

@HalzTangz

See where your husband gives up this one can't give up, her behaviour becomes more and more extreme. Every job she has left she has been managed out with payment. How does he manage confrontation?

The comments about people's appearance are not limited to these two instances there have been lots in between eg overweight people, people that dress badly. In the past she thinks she is being discrete but she isn't. She is being really obvious but can't seem to see it. That is why I think the comment by the cousin is true.

The reason I think she needs mediation is because people don't understand her. I feel like I understand her to some degree. Her husband obviously understands her, they have been married for a long time.

Btw she has said horrible things about my appearance but I don't care that much.

I too am finding it hard to work this out. In one breath you say that your sister has done some bad things, but has matured and is now nice, you enjoy spending time with her, your BIL and their children. She is lovely to be around, your partner likes her, her husband is lovely and you like her children. In the next she’s a creepy, mean-spirited, racist bully. Which is it?!

I strongly suspect there are a lot of difficult family dynamics here. Few people act the way she did as a young person if they are happy, well-adjusted people (there are a few, but most people who act like this have problems of one kind or another). The way you describe your mother, I do wonder if there has been a damaging relationship there. Remember your experiences of your childhood may not match hers… and the truth might be something in the middle of all of the siblings experiences.

I also wonder if your brothers are quite as saintly as you believe. It’s easy to fall into a narrative of one person being 100% in the wrong and every one else perfectly right/been the wronged party. I’m not saying your sister has not done things wrong- it sounds like she has- but to have all the wrong-doing only on one side is unusual.

Of course, none of that excuses her bad behaviour in the past, but it might explain why she did certain things, and might be a starting point for trying to move on. Nor would it excuse racist comments or mocking a child. If that happened (and you are sure)- it’s fair enough to express your absolute disapproval and that if she doesn’t change/apologise then decide you aren’t going to associate with her until that changes.

As for her having to start mediation in order to earn a place at your wedding? That’s deplorable. Mediation should not be used as a stick to beat someone with. It only works if all parties are willing to work on the issue. If they aren’t it just a cruel way of trying to get someone to grovel for forgiveness that you have no intention of granting. If that is how your family works, it might explain a lot.

Ultimately, if you feel you cannot have your mother/brothers and your sister at your wedding (can you not ask them all to be civil just for one day if you really do want your sister there?), then you need to chose who you want there more. From what you’ve said it is your brothers- and that’s ok if that is how you feel.

But you then also accept the consequences of that decision- your sister may well be devastated, as you fear she will, and it could possibly damage your relationship…. But if she really is this racist, creepy, bullying horror you intermittently depict then I’m not sure that you should be all that bothered if your relationship becomes more distant…

…. which makes me wonder if you know that things are not quite as straightforward as your sister is a horrible person and the rest of your family utterly innocent.

Actually, some of your updates do suggest that she has a genuinely deep-seated issue. It’s hard to say if it’s just low self-esteem, poor social skills (possibly due to difficulties in relationships growing up… I come back to your mother and her behaviour) and personality traits or something more definitive like EUPD. Or even ASD, I suppose. Not saying it definitely is- she could just be an unpleasant person- but it definitely sounds like she has issues which trouble her consistently and in personal and work relationships.

@jacks11

I do believe she has something pretty fundamental going on. Her understanding of human relationships is pretty childlike, she seems to think you can call someone fat and the next time they will see you they will have moved on. Like the way 5 year olds are killing each other and then best friends. I do believe she would like to rekindle with her brothers but doesn't know how to navigate it because she doesn't know she has done anything wrong. That is why I thought a mediator, someone truly impartial might help get her side of the story forward without her having to articulate it. They genuinely were nice to her until she wasn't an adult, when she was an adult they wouldn't stand for poor behaviour. I'm not suggesting she rekindle with my mother because that is impossible.

All of the horrible things she has done are from 10+ years ago. Apart from the lazy eye comments. I kind of thought she had matured but actually that horrible behave is still there. That is why this one incident is making me nervous.

[quote namechanged1090]@jacks11

I do believe she has something pretty fundamental going on. Her understanding of human relationships is pretty childlike, she seems to think you can call someone fat and the next time they will see you they will have moved on. Like the way 5 year olds are killing each other and then best friends. I do believe she would like to rekindle with her brothers but doesn't know how to navigate it because she doesn't know she has done anything wrong. That is why I thought a mediator, someone truly impartial might help get her side of the story forward without her having to articulate it. They genuinely were nice to her until she wasn't an adult, when she was an adult they wouldn't stand for poor behaviour. I'm not suggesting she rekindle with my mother because that is impossible.

All of the horrible things she has done are from 10+ years ago. Apart from the lazy eye comments. I kind of thought she had matured but actually that horrible behave is still there. That is why this one incident is making me nervous. [/quote]
You just don’t want her there.

You have chosen not to believe her about the “lazy eye” comment, as it gives you a great reason not to

Not surprised she’s emotionally damaged with what she has been though.

What an unforgiving and judgemental bunch you all are … let he who is without sin cast the first stone

@jacks11

Guilty as charged. I don't want someone who fights with everyone at a small wedding. It makes me uncomfortable. If she made an effort with the more open minded people I could accept it

@namechanged1090

I did say that if you don’t want her at your wedding it is your absolute right not to invite her. But, the flip side of that is that you must accept how she feels about being excluded.

You fear that she will be devastated- well, that may be the case- but other than inviting her (which you’ve decided you don’t want to do), what can you do? There is no nice way of saying “I prefer my brothers to you”, is there? That’s going to hurt, even if some, or all, of that situation is down to her.

She is probably going to be hurt, she may take it very badly and it could damage your relationship… but that’s the consequence of your choice. It’s sad that you are in that position, but it is what it is. You make the choice, then own the consequences.

It does, at times, sound like you want to be told that she’s so awful that hurting feelings is absolutely fine. Well, it is a bit of both- you have a right to only invite people you want to the wedding. But you are basing not inviting her on one thing she allegedly said, on the background of seemingly having altered her behaviour for some years (you must have forgiven past misdeeds as you continue yo have contact at least semi-regularly, based on your previous posts). Ultimately, you believe she did say it maliciously, and for all I know are 100% right. You don’t want to risks I’ll feeling at your wedding. That’s up to you, and I can understand why.

However, I do have the strong impression that things are not as straightforward in your family as you think, and I do think there sounds to be some very unhealthy family dynamics at play, as well as the possibility that you’re sister’s difficulties are (at least in part) due to dysfunctional relationships growing up leading to behavioural/personality problems or some form of neurodiversity. Not an excuse for everything she has done, of course, but perhaps grounds for a little understanding. Your brothers don’t sound quite as amazing to me as you portray but I don’t know them so of course I may be wrong.

I hope whatever decision you make is the right one for you.

Is this some sort of personality disorder do you think? It is very unkind - and very unusual - for someone to mock a child or adult for something like a lazy eye.

@jacks11

I know she will be devastated, that makes me very sad. I do think there is possibly something not NT about her but I know she could have had a compassionate upbringing.

I do wish the other siblings would have her back a bit more. The way they did when we were all young. They seem to have lost all sympathy for her in a really cold way. I think it was easier to be compassionate when you don't have a spouse family of your own. I think it is easier to be understanding when it is a child and not an adult.

One of the things I really note about her is sometimes she says really outrageous black and white statements she doesn't really mean/ she hasn't thought through/ she doesn't think that someone might be sensitive about. She really just cannot see that someone else would view it differently to her and because she can't see that she is not one bit sorry. I think everyone in the world has said stuff which has inadvertently upset someone else, but instead of being humble or even just not saying it again she becomes obsessed on the topic and can't stop talking about it. To me that makes her a better person than someone who is unpleasant but someone that is very complex.

Every single one of us have fallen out with her for some time and all for separate reasons. For me it is always the same it is her intensity especially if it a topic I don't want to talk about all the time. I know this will pass with her (it always does!) but sometimes she breaks my patience and I flip out at her.... like when I have said give me a week to chill and she turns up places I have not invited her.

Op
You’ve lost me
One post - she’s horrendous
The next she’s lovely

@Marni83

She used to be really hard work. When she met her DH she was ok and when she had kids she was actually lovely. She had warmth I hadn't seen before. This incident (the niece incident) was like a blast from the past and I feel back in that horrible place with her where she can't be trusted to be well behaved with people there is friction with.

But you said that it wasn’t a one off

behaviour. That guy is the most kind guy and I have known him be horrible to anyone, ever and we are one school year apart so I know he is very sound. He ignores her because he can't tolerate her.

So you rate your bro
But think he’s being ott?