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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DSis we don't want another joint holiday with her family?

114 replies

bravefox · 29/08/2021 20:43

Just returned from a holiday which was my family, my parents, and DSis's family all together for the first time. DSis and I both have two young kids and ages are similar so we hoped they would hit it off but it was just extremely hard work from start to finish.

While I knew it wasn't going to be the most relaxing of times, the biggest issue was that DSis and I have completely contrasting parenting styles with her kids staying up most of the night, grazing on junk all day and one of her kids in particular pretty much bullied my DD all week. My kids were miserable whenever both families hung out together as DSis and her H just turn a blind eye to what their kids are up to and it was left to the rest of us to supervise most of the time. DH and I have pretty much vowed not to holiday with them again for a very long time, if ever.

I'm very happy with this, but now they are suggesting we repeat again at Christmas! We have no other family so it will be hard to make an excuse but we'd rather just be on our own than repeat all of that again!

AIBU to say we don't want to holiday together again, and if so how do I do it diplomatically?

OP posts:
Susannahmoody · 29/08/2021 20:45

Could you say you have to work at Christmas?

I feel your pain as we have had family holidays, they are very tough going

WorraLiberty · 29/08/2021 20:47

"No thanks, we'd like a bit of 'us time' so will be holidaying alone at Christmas".

It's never a great idea to holiday with other families when parenting styles are different.

I expect deep down she'll be feeling the same about you and your kids, although she clearly enjoyed it more than you did.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 29/08/2021 20:47

Bugger diplomatically.
Tell her you found it all quite hectic and stressful and have realised you prefer to go away just by yourselves.

Kithic · 29/08/2021 20:48

Just say no.

Did they really not see the differences?

WorraLiberty · 29/08/2021 20:48

Don't lie about working or anything else.

At a push you could say let's do it again when the kids are older.

frazzledasarock · 29/08/2021 20:48

Tell them you want a quiet Christmas at home.

At some point you’re going to have to tell her your family did not enjoy the experience. Otherwise she’ll keep suggesting it.

Did you end up parenting her dc too?

Dacquoise · 29/08/2021 20:49

Of course they want to spend Christmas with you. Another break for the adults whilst you supervise the kids, what's not to like!

Easiest thing is to tell a little fib and say you've been invited to a friends for a few days over Christmas. It got cancelled at the last minute due to norovirus. Also possible that coronavirus lockdown may come to your rescue.

I don't think being honest about your reasons in this case will go down well. No one likes their parenting/kids to be criticised.

MeanyJoany · 29/08/2021 20:50

"No thanks, if we do go away it will be just us. Family holidays are fine but only once every few years"

Sceptre86 · 29/08/2021 20:51

I would say you fancy a quiet Christmas so will be doing your own thing. If she pushes then I would explain how her child bullied yours and it isn't fair to put your child through that again so you will not be taking her up on the offer. It might get her back up but quite frankly who cares?

frazzledasarock · 29/08/2021 20:53

@MeanyJoany

"No thanks, if we do go away it will be just us. Family holidays are fine but only once every few years"
This is actually a really good response.

Unless she keeps pushing.

cashmoneyy · 29/08/2021 20:55

I'm genuinely in a not too dissimilar situation and have decided to continue with the holidays with my parents and siblings etc. Main reason being is that my parents pay because they want to go on holidays with all their grandchildren, and so I do it for them as they won't be here forever, and I want them to enjoy time with the children while they can. However a key factor is that I still do a separate holiday with husband and kids in addition to the wider family one.

Who pays for this holiday? As if it's at your own expense then I definitely wouldn't.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/08/2021 20:55

I’d just say you fancy a bit of time alone as a family, just your household. You’re surely entitled to that!

Bollindger · 29/08/2021 20:57

Just tell them while you enjoyed being with family, you have realised that time as a family unit with no work is now a priority and you would rather just visit instead of arranging to holiday on mass.

Original poster
bravefox · 29/08/2021 20:57

@frazzledasarock
Did you end up parenting her dc too?

Yes quite a lot of the time - she and her DH both quite late risers (unlike their kids) and they have a habit of disappearing to shower/pop to the shops/find a quite spot to read a book etc without telling anybody and just assume it's fine as other people are around to watch their kids

OP posts:
HavelockVetinari · 29/08/2021 20:57

Just say that the kids didn't really get on, maybe try again when they're older.

Hoppinggreen · 29/08/2021 20:58

After a few similar holidays with DH family we now won’t go and DH agrees. Now if asked I just say “no thank you” and that’s that.

HollowTalk · 29/08/2021 21:00

Couldn't your parents have spoken to your sister? It must've been really apparent that you were very uncomfortable.

imacuddler · 29/08/2021 21:02

If you tell her the problem just remember kids change dramatically as they get older.
You may not want to go AT THIS AGE but once the kids mature a bit they might get on great and you may want to try again.

Bluetrews25 · 29/08/2021 21:05

No wonder they want to repeat! You do all the parenting!

Gilly12345 · 29/08/2021 21:25

I would just have to be honest and tell tactfully that this was not a relaxing, enjoyable holiday and you would rather not repeat again for a long time and if she pushes the point with you explain how the children were not happy and it is not a holiday for you if you have to look after her children when she disappears and does their own thing.

Esspee · 29/08/2021 21:53

@HavelockVetinari

Just say that the kids didn't really get on, maybe try again when they're older.
Perfect.
phishy · 29/08/2021 21:54

@HavelockVetinari

Just say that the kids didn't really get on, maybe try again when they're older.
Agree 💯
Soddingcat · 29/08/2021 21:56

Hi sis ,
I really don’t find it relaxing actually, your dc does not like my dc and it makes them miserable , abd stressful for all of us , And we ended up looking after all the dc a lot , maybe in a few years . Glad you enjoyed it though . We need to relax after working hard . This trip was the opposite although some of it was fun , so probably need to holiday separately fir a while

Soddingcat · 29/08/2021 21:56

For *. Bloody fat fingers

Redwinestillfine · 29/08/2021 21:58

Don't say anything about not doing it again. Be diplomatic. Just say you can't ( saving money/ want a quiet one/ already booked). Be firm but friendly.