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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DSis we don't want another joint holiday with her family?

114 replies

bravefox · 29/08/2021 20:43

Just returned from a holiday which was my family, my parents, and DSis's family all together for the first time. DSis and I both have two young kids and ages are similar so we hoped they would hit it off but it was just extremely hard work from start to finish.

While I knew it wasn't going to be the most relaxing of times, the biggest issue was that DSis and I have completely contrasting parenting styles with her kids staying up most of the night, grazing on junk all day and one of her kids in particular pretty much bullied my DD all week. My kids were miserable whenever both families hung out together as DSis and her H just turn a blind eye to what their kids are up to and it was left to the rest of us to supervise most of the time. DH and I have pretty much vowed not to holiday with them again for a very long time, if ever.

I'm very happy with this, but now they are suggesting we repeat again at Christmas! We have no other family so it will be hard to make an excuse but we'd rather just be on our own than repeat all of that again!

AIBU to say we don't want to holiday together again, and if so how do I do it diplomatically?

OP posts:
RowanAlong · 29/08/2021 22:11

Would it help to go but stay in separate accommodation? So you can have your own space when you need it?

godmum56 · 29/08/2021 22:21

Mn standard......we already have plans so That's not going to work for us.

Staryflight445 · 29/08/2021 22:28

Honesty is the best policy, it is your sister after all.

Boredhimtodeath · 29/08/2021 22:34

I would just say maybe in a few years when the kids don’t need looking after as much.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 29/08/2021 22:35

Yeah l bet she wants to go again, she had a nice holiday while you were looking after her undisciplined children

You have to be honest and say it was a bit too hectic. If you say you want a quiet Christmas they will ask again at Easter.

SpacePotato · 29/08/2021 22:40

I'd tell the truth that it wasn't really much of a holiday for you and you'd rather spent time with just your DH and children.

LanisHouseLot · 29/08/2021 22:40

I'd say thanks for the lovely offer but the kids all get so much harder work when there's a gang of them that it ended up being too exhausting for you to contemplate again any time soon - let's try again in a couple of years when they are in a different phase and it might be more enjoyable!

Elouera · 29/08/2021 22:43

I'm confused. Were you all staying in the same apartment???

IF you do go away again, surely you should have you own hotel/accommodation. Also, plan things for your own family to do away from the other sometimes.

thing47 · 29/08/2021 22:50

If you want to shut the idea down but don't want it to become a big issue or cause a falling out, what about:

"Thanks for asking, but we've decided big family holidays aren't really our thing"

phishy · 29/08/2021 22:52

@Elouera

I'm confused. Were you all staying in the same apartment???

IF you do go away again, surely you should have you own hotel/accommodation. Also, plan things for your own family to do away from the other sometimes.

Probably a villa for all to share, or hotel.

Better yet, they should just not go away as dsis and her H will find a way to leave their kids with OP.

Beamur · 29/08/2021 22:58

Just say you're having a quieter Christmas and don't want to do a shared holiday again so soon

sandybeaches74 · 29/08/2021 23:01

If this was my sister I'd have already spoken to her about the kids! My response to the Christmas suggestion would have been 'are you mad?'

ITakeCharge · 29/08/2021 23:02

Well you have had polite suggestions - that doesn't work for us, we have other plans, we'd like it to be just the 4 of us at Christmas etc

If you want to be more blunt or if she's pushy and you want to put a stop to it then just say the kids didn't get on and since you & your husband kept ending up being left to look after all 4 of them you two didn't enjoy it either and you don't want to repeat it again until the kids are older, more independent - or indeed ever etc

She's either cheeky and wants another relaxing break while you babysit her kids or she's clueless and doesn't realize the dynamic just didn't work for everyone - either way you won't win and even if she says next time she'll babysit more, chances are she won't if she didn't recognize or care she wasn't pulling her weight the first time

LitCrit · 29/08/2021 23:12

"Well, I think it'll be lovely in a few years, but DH and I seemed to end up with all four of the buggers quite a lot so we're knackered Wink! Plus not sure [your child] and [her child] got on that well? So let's leave it for a few years - but we should definitely try again when they're a bit older, sure it will be a different story when they can take themselves off and self amuse!"

Since it's your sister I'd take this cheerily honest tack, despite all the unbearable exclamation marks...

Notaroadrunner · 29/08/2021 23:20

@thing47

If you want to shut the idea down but don't want it to become a big issue or cause a falling out, what about:

"Thanks for asking, but we've decided big family holidays aren't really our thing"

This is a good response. If she asks why just say you found it exhausting and leave it at that. Of course their version of events will be different as they left you to do most of the work while they got to relax.
HazyDaisy123456 · 29/08/2021 23:35

I wouldn’t cause a family rift.

Just say thanks for the offer but we just want a quiet Christmas on our own just the four of us this year.

If she asks at Easter say maybe in a couple of years time etc. Hopefully that will put her off for a goodly while.

Hopefully she will take the hint or find someone else to holiday with who will make life easier for her.

PersonaNonGarter · 29/08/2021 23:42

Don’t be too blunt - you might get a bit of unexpected bluntness back.

Just find a kind way of saying your DCs are already starting to get excited about various local Christmas things and that you’ll leave it for this year.

Tulips15 · 29/08/2021 23:44

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Bugger diplomatically. Tell her you found it all quite hectic and stressful and have realised you prefer to go away just by yourselves.
Agree
NoSquirrels · 29/08/2021 23:46

AIBU to say we don't want to holiday together again, and if so how do I do it diplomatically?

YANBU.

“Dsis, I’m not up for a family holiday at Christmas, tbh. Feel free to invite DPs with you guys if you want the grandparents, fine with us! It’s nice for everyone to be together but quite high stress in loads of ways - managing all the kids etc. Maybe next time we organise something we should sort a rota or something for who’s doing breakfast/lunch etc? Anyway, feel free to crack on with Christmas and we can talk summer nearer the time.”

I love holidays with my DSis and her famiky. My DBro and his family are trickier. Best to be as up front as possible about boundaries, I think.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 29/08/2021 23:52

Just learn to say no, if they insist on turning a blind eye to the bullying and their kids run riot you don't need to give an excuse.
They are not blind. They know what is going on.

Beautiful3 · 29/08/2021 23:57

I would.tell her that I fancy a quiet Christmas this year. What can she say to that?! Only, "oh okay!"

Kite22 · 30/08/2021 00:04

I wouldn't get into any sort of lies about not getting time off at Christmas.
Use any one of the above suggestions, but one that shuts down the idea of doing it again any time soon.
Doesn't have to cause a rift - we went on holiday with my sister and family once and we both agreed we have very different ways of "doing holidays" so no-one would enjoy it if everyone was compromising all the time.

This is your sister - I don't understand why you find it so difficult to say "No, it didn't really work as a relaxing break for us, so we'll leave it for a few years and do our own thing". It is what it is. Isn't a criticism of her unless she pushes for specifics of why it wasn't relaxing.

NewlyGranny · 30/08/2021 00:06

Tell her you'll holiday en famille again just as soon as your DC has worked their way to black belt level in their self-defence class.😉

purplecorkheart · 30/08/2021 00:09

No thanks we have already decided what we are doing for Christmas.

They come back with we can get a great deal if 8 go to such a place.
No sorry our plans are fixed.

simitra · 30/08/2021 01:37

Explain it to her exactly as you explained it to us and to hell with diplomatic. She will get the picture.

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