Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DSis we don't want another joint holiday with her family?

114 replies

bravefox · 29/08/2021 20:43

Just returned from a holiday which was my family, my parents, and DSis's family all together for the first time. DSis and I both have two young kids and ages are similar so we hoped they would hit it off but it was just extremely hard work from start to finish.

While I knew it wasn't going to be the most relaxing of times, the biggest issue was that DSis and I have completely contrasting parenting styles with her kids staying up most of the night, grazing on junk all day and one of her kids in particular pretty much bullied my DD all week. My kids were miserable whenever both families hung out together as DSis and her H just turn a blind eye to what their kids are up to and it was left to the rest of us to supervise most of the time. DH and I have pretty much vowed not to holiday with them again for a very long time, if ever.

I'm very happy with this, but now they are suggesting we repeat again at Christmas! We have no other family so it will be hard to make an excuse but we'd rather just be on our own than repeat all of that again!

AIBU to say we don't want to holiday together again, and if so how do I do it diplomatically?

OP posts:
NumberTheory · 30/08/2021 01:38

@thing47

If you want to shut the idea down but don't want it to become a big issue or cause a falling out, what about:

"Thanks for asking, but we've decided big family holidays aren't really our thing"

This is the type of tack to take, otherwise you will likely be fending off requests twice a year and it will come to seem insulting even though your intent will be to not make them feel bad.
LagunaBubbles · 30/08/2021 01:43

You don't need an excuse you just say you don't want to.

Original poster
bravefox · 30/08/2021 05:59

Thanks for all the responses - relieved to hear I'm not being unreasonable!

Definitely agree I just need to bite the bullet and tell them it's a 'no' from us. I like the 'maybe we'll revisit in a few years when the kids are a bit more grown up' line.

OP posts:
Balonzette · 30/08/2021 06:27

I'd say,

"Thanks for the offer but I think we'll give it a miss this time. Last time was pretty difficult and tiring because the kids didn't seem to get on too well, maybe let's try again when they're older."

MiddleParking · 30/08/2021 06:37

Even if I’d enjoyed a family holiday (which I do), I’d find it deeply irritating to be asked to plan another one in a few months immediately on returning. And doubly so for Christmas.

gigi556 · 30/08/2021 06:42

It's your sister.... just tell her how you feel! 🤷🏻‍♀️

Miniroofbox · 30/08/2021 06:45

Yeah I went on holiday with my brother and his family once. Never again.

They left me minding their kids and fucked off for drinks / dinners / adult walks so many times I’d never do it again. The kids are grown and I haven’t.

2reefsin30knots · 30/08/2021 06:51

You are obviously not close with your sister. She has a kid old enough to be a bully who your kids have never spent any length of time with before. So you haven't spent time together for years. The way you say you hoped the kids would 'hit it off' suggests the kids have actually never met before.

Why would you go from that to two holidays together in 4 months??

TheWayTheLightFalls · 30/08/2021 07:01

What everyone else said!

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/08/2021 07:55

My brother / sil exactly the same. Dumped their little darling on me several times when I’m a chronically ill person and disabled. Cos she needs a break - shes a Sahm and he was at school by this point btw. He’s a few years younger and hadn’t been taught to share / take turns etc so was selfish and so forth. Staying down the pub for hours and screaming at dd on their return was the end point for me.

I would also give thing47’s response. It’s good and leaves no room to cause arguments.

mogsrus · 30/08/2021 07:57

a whole family holiday, eeeuk, can't imagine anything worse,seen too many of them in my working life (hospitality) everyone looks like they could take each other apart, its in my opinion just not normal,so so glad I'll never have to even think about it,let alone do it,horrible

NorthLodgeAvenue · 30/08/2021 07:59

How can kids stay up most of the night and be anything other than vile?

Turtletotem · 30/08/2021 08:00

Wondering what part your parents played on the holiday? Did they talk to your sister about the kids etc? I agree with previous responses definitely don't go away with them again until you decide you want to.

AlrightThereSkippy · 30/08/2021 08:04

"we want to spend Christmas Eve at home this year so kids can open presents in the morning"

I went on one big family holiday with sil's kids and in-laws. Never, EVER again. It isn't a bad thing, having boundaries tbh. If you make yourself go and things are awful again, you risk a big fall out. If you avoid, you are less likely to actually fall out. Boundaries aren't usually there to put distance between you, but to make it possible to have a decent relationship.

LakieLady · 30/08/2021 08:06

I'd explain that you found it a bit like hard work because your parenting styles are so different and that X really wasn't very nice to DD, so she didn't have a very good time, and that you wouldn't want to repeat a mixed holiday just yet.

It sounds awful.

HeronLanyon · 30/08/2021 08:07

@LitCrit

"Well, I think it'll be lovely in a few years, but DH and I seemed to end up with all four of the buggers quite a lot so we're knackered Wink! Plus not sure [your child] and [her child] got on that well? So let's leave it for a few years - but we should definitely try again when they're a bit older, sure it will be a different story when they can take themselves off and self amuse!"

Since it's your sister I'd take this cheerily honest tack, despite all the unbearable exclamation marks...

This is the approach and tone I’d take with my own sister and it would be likely to work fine. BUT of course all dynamics are different so just tread carefully. Good luck. Sounds a nightmare.
SamiReed1 · 30/08/2021 08:08

FFS, Why is it that people on here simply just cannot be honest? They'd rather avoid telling the truth at all costs and any costs, even to the costs of the children. You're not doing your nieces/nephews any favours, and you're not doing your sister any favours. She's your sister! If you can't be honest with her, who can you be honest with? TELL THE TRUTH. She needs to know that there is a serious bullying problem with her child, and it might make her wake up a bit. Tell her the truth, that your DD was being bullied, and she disappeared to leave you to supervise.

If no one is honest, then NO ONE LEARNS. And her children can't be guided. You owe it to her children to tell the truth. Otherwise they will grow up like that, because NO ONE bothered to step in and tell the parents the truth.

CatMandarin · 30/08/2021 08:10

[quote bravefox]@frazzledasarock
Did you end up parenting her dc too?

Yes quite a lot of the time - she and her DH both quite late risers (unlike their kids) and they have a habit of disappearing to shower/pop to the shops/find a quite spot to read a book etc without telling anybody and just assume it's fine as other people are around to watch their kids[/quote]
No wonder she's keen on holidaying with you again when they are using you as unpaid nannies. Don't give in. Not fair on your child who was bullied

AlrightThereSkippy · 30/08/2021 08:12

For me, if I'd said "well SIL, you're quite insensitive and you and bil drink too much. You refuse to parent your own children and offload them at ever opportunity. Add to that, you're all quite rude and inhospitable people with bad manners" it would go down like a lead balloon. So I would tell "THE TRUTH", which is that I'd rather spend Christmas Eve in my own house so kids can open presents. That is also "THE TRUTH", just ommitting the nastier ones. But you do you Sami.

SamiReed1 · 30/08/2021 08:15

@AlrightThereSkippy

For me, if I'd said "well SIL, you're quite insensitive and you and bil drink too much. You refuse to parent your own children and offload them at ever opportunity. Add to that, you're all quite rude and inhospitable people with bad manners" it would go down like a lead balloon. So I would tell "THE TRUTH", which is that I'd rather spend Christmas Eve in my own house so kids can open presents. That is also "THE TRUTH", just ommitting the nastier ones. But you do you Sami.
it would go down like a lead balloon

So???? Confused

So what? It needs to be said! About time it did go down like a lead balloon!

JacquelineCarlyle · 30/08/2021 08:22

I would be honest but diplomatic about it - I'd say something about not wanting to do it as it wasn't very relaxing for you as the kids needed a lot of looking after and we're hard work altogether. Perhaps in a few years when they're older but not anytime soon and definitely not at Christmas when it's hectic enough and you just want to relax!

JacquelineCarlyle · 30/08/2021 08:23

*Were - my phone always autocorrects to we're Confused

ClareBlue · 30/08/2021 08:27

Been there and the posters saying the dynamics could change over the years are spot on.
Just want to holiday as our own family for a couple of years, was our take.
We went en mass 4 years later and completely different.
A bit of a huff when first said not going, but no big rift.

BlueMongoose · 30/08/2021 08:29

Definitely find some way or other to say No, or you'll be doing it every year, even twice a year. This is the thin end of the wedge, it will be easier to say No now than if you do it again. I have seen it happen where someone didn't say No, though the situation wasn't a bad one, just rather a tie, and years later they were still doing it and couldn't see how to get out of it because it was just assumed they would.

If you ended up childminding I'm sure they want to do it again. But your holiday wasn't much fun, and holidays ought to be fun, and a relaxing break for you and your own family, or why bother at all? I feel so sorry for your DC in this too. Stick to your guns, and say that No.

peboh · 30/08/2021 08:31

Just tell her no, and tell her why. I couldn't imagine having to come up with an excuse instead of just being honest with my sister. What happens when she mentions a spring holiday, summer etc. The cycle of lies and excuses continues and eventually the truth will come out and will hurt more.