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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect my small children to behave in a restaurant?!

128 replies

Whyemseeaye · 28/08/2021 16:10

We've been out this morning to meet a few of DH friends, who we don't see often, for brunch at a nice restaurant.

Our DC are 20 months and 3.5 years old.

On the whole they're pretty good but I find their behaviour when dining out a bit challenging. They seem to pick up on that and up the ante.

This morning the eldest smacked DH, was whining and generally being a pain. The youngest refused to get in the high chair and started crying every time I attempted to get them in it.

Friends were v understanding. They have children who are slightly older.

I don't know what to do. We go out to eat at least once a week and sometimes they're fine, others not so much. Husband is in to "gentle parenting" which isn't really my style. I expect them to behave and to do what they're told.

I found this morning really embarrassing.

AIBU to think they're old enough to do a little bit better than today's efforts

OP posts:

Somethingsnappy · 28/08/2021 20:57

@GobbleHobble

*laugh at your smugness and hope you are blessed with a little 'terrorist' next time round. Children are very different-it isn't your superior parenting*

Wtf * a8mint

My comments were to suggest to op that her expectations are too high. I don't think being "well behaved" at 20 months is a thing. Hence my "fucking stressful" comment. Despite her maybe seeing other angels of that age - it isn't accurate, her DC are not "badly behaved".

How can you interpret my post to mean my dc are perfectly behaved? It's not true and I don't think that.

Yes, I think your contribution went way over that poster's head!

Monstertrucks · 28/08/2021 20:58

You are being totally unreasonable. Let the kids be kids

For kids that age you should consider moving any social meet ups with friends to the playground or a walk and tag team with your husband so you both get a bit of time chatting you your friends.

Nonicknamesforcatapillars · 28/08/2021 20:59

Everyone knows that tiny kids are a pain in the arse when you’re out. 20 months is really still a baby. No one will care that much how they’re behaving, so long as you’re trying to encourage good behaviour. People with older kids will just be smiling to themselves and remembering when it was them!

ButteringMyArse · 28/08/2021 21:00

@Nonicknamesforcatapillars

Twenty months is the worst kind of baby in some ways! The tiny ones are such hard work, but at least they sleep a lot and you can sit them on your knee while you eat.

CathyorClaire · 28/08/2021 21:01

This is precisely why dh and I made a Maccy D's the bar at that age.

They were taught basic cutlery wrangling early on and that was it. They all negotiated restaurants without grunting, throwing things on the floor and most importantly disturbing other diners as they've matured and I've had zero stress.

Job done.

ribbonsred · 28/08/2021 21:03

@frogswimming

A tablet is your friend.

I absolutely hate seeing children with phones or tablets in a restaurant. Drawing, books, puzzles, small games... teach them how to behave and amuse themselves.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 28/08/2021 21:03

A 20 month old and 3.5 year old aren’t going to have impeccable manners and etiquette are they.

DrCoconut · 28/08/2021 21:05

Gentle parenting and having expectations for your children's behaviour are not mutually exclusive. You just need realistic expectations, especially of the little one.

Somethingsnappy · 28/08/2021 21:13

OP, I'll be blunt , but I don't mean this unkindly. You might benefit from reading a basic, parent-friendly book about child development. Your comment about it never being too young for children to respect people/environment etc, shocked me, to be honest. It is unfair to expect behaviour of children that is beyond both their years and their comprehension. You need to educate yourself on age-appropriate expectations, otherwise you'll make life stressful for yourself and for your lovely children too.

Beckhamsmetatarsal · 28/08/2021 21:18

YABU yeah. Mine are 5,6 and 9 and are only just becoming civilised enough to go out. We just haven't until recently because attempts when younger (around your childrens ages) were disastrous, stressful, and resulted in us shoving food down as quick as we could to leave.

lazylinguist · 28/08/2021 21:20

I do expect them to be respectful of other people and their surroundings. I don't think it's ever too young to expect that?!

A 20 month old hasn't the slightest idea what it means to 'be respectful of other people and their surroundings'. A 3.5yo barely does. YABVU. I don't think you have much understanding of the way tiny children function tbh.

Mischance · 28/08/2021 21:30

I do expect them to be respectful of other people and their surroundings. - you are destined to be very disappointed. They are far too young to grasp that.

The youngest is not even old enough psychologically to have grasped that other people have feelings and needs.

You are asking too much of them. Happy family meals out are for the future.

I hope that you do not have such unrealistic expectations of them in other spheres of their lives. Life is going to be very tough for them. They will spend their childhood feeling they do not quite come up to scratch.

Rule number one: Start where the child is. i.e. try and get inside their mind and be aware of what they can and cannot do.

BaringasMare · 28/08/2021 21:30

I do expect them to be respectful of other people and their surroundings. I don't think it's ever too young to expect that?!

I’ll mention this to my 9 month old next time he cries in a cafe

Seriously though, you have unreasonable expectations. They’re both still very young - they haven’t yet reached the developmental stage where they have impulse control or empathy. They’re not going to understand being respectful of others for some time yet.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 28/08/2021 22:03

It is good though to see a parent who does instill discipline. I'd rather have a parent like you than the My kid can do what fuck they like Brigade.
However I do also believe in balance. You do have to take into accordance that they are both under 4 years old.

PopcornMuncher · 28/08/2021 22:05

I do expect them to be respectful of other people and their surroundings. I don't think it's ever too young to expect that?!

You expect a 20 month old to.be respectful of.other people and their surroundings? Do you actually understand what 20 month olds are capable of?

Lower your expectations or be disappointed would be my advice

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 28/08/2021 22:09

@Awwlookatmybabyspider

It is good though to see a parent who does instill discipline. I'd rather have a parent like you than the My kid can do what fuck they like Brigade. However I do also believe in balance. You do have to take into accordance that they are both under 4 years old.

One of them is not even 2 yet.

Ridiculous expectations teach nothing, just set kids up to fail.

Beckhamsmetatarsal · 28/08/2021 22:10

Agree with PP that you'd benefit from reading about child development. Children that young just don't have the concept of being respectful or that they are expected to behave a certain way, etc.

They've lived on the planet for 3.5 years or less-they don't think like you!

Embracelife · 28/08/2021 22:18

do expect them to be respectful of other people and their surroundings. I don't think it's ever too young to expect that?!

That is hilarious
Op can you remember at what age you understood what this actually meant?
What was your childhood like ?

If you have always taken them out to cafes restaurants and role played at home with teddies
..sure the three yr old may have some idea of expe ctations

But not out of sense of "respecting "

peboh · 28/08/2021 22:21

Of course yabu. What a daft question.

fizbosshoes · 28/08/2021 22:32

We had a disastrous meal at a restaurant when DC were about 2 and 5, we just didnt go out again for about 2 years unless it was a soft play or outdoor cafe! But from about 5 they were much better.

echt · 28/08/2021 22:43

This is a part of your life you have to write off until the children are older.
Get a baby sitter.
Now I think of it, what on earth made you think meeting adults you hadn't seen for ages was a place for children anyway?

SleepingStandingUp · 28/08/2021 22:48

Jesus i hope I'm never sat next to you in an eaterie!!

I do expect them to be respectful of other people and their surroundings you expect you 20 mo to respect your friends and their locale?

Twins are 20 mo and we're still on not throwing stuff we don't want on the floor, not climbing out, no trying to get the wine glass and not screaming

borntobequiet · 28/08/2021 22:49

Friends were v understanding. They have children who are slightly older.

Did they - sensibly - leave them at home?

SleepingStandingUp · 28/08/2021 22:50

Now I think of it, what on earth made you think meeting adults you hadn't seen for ages was a place for children anyway? Some of us would like to see our friend's occasionally. You can't just veto that until the kids are 10

Erwhatno · 29/08/2021 00:15

For goodness sake, people

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