Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

To expect my small children to behave in a restaurant?!

128 replies

Whyemseeaye · 28/08/2021 16:10

We've been out this morning to meet a few of DH friends, who we don't see often, for brunch at a nice restaurant.

Our DC are 20 months and 3.5 years old.

On the whole they're pretty good but I find their behaviour when dining out a bit challenging. They seem to pick up on that and up the ante.

This morning the eldest smacked DH, was whining and generally being a pain. The youngest refused to get in the high chair and started crying every time I attempted to get them in it.

Friends were v understanding. They have children who are slightly older.

I don't know what to do. We go out to eat at least once a week and sometimes they're fine, others not so much. Husband is in to "gentle parenting" which isn't really my style. I expect them to behave and to do what they're told.

I found this morning really embarrassing.

AIBU to think they're old enough to do a little bit better than today's efforts

OP posts:

Emmacb82 · 28/08/2021 17:15

You’ve definitely got to lower your expectations and then it won’t seem so stressful. An hour might not seem like a long time to you, but for your youngest that is similar to a 4 hour meal. And sometimes no amount of distractions are going to do the trick. You can’t always predict what they are going to want to eat, whether they are going to be tired and cranky. You said it all when you said you want others to think they are perfectly behaved children. There’s so much pressure put on yourself to achieve that, that it’s become super stressful. Most people don’t mind a bit of noise etc, as long as they are not running around feral then I wouldn’t worry what others think.
I’ve only eaten out once with my 16 month old. And I took his lunch with me so he could eat that whilst we were waiting for ours to come. Then he sat and had bits of our dinner. And as soon as we finished we left. It’s not something we will do regularly until he’s a bit older. And even then it’s a challenge sometimes. Take the pressure of, lower your expectations and if it’s really that stressful then don’t do it!

Lorw · 28/08/2021 17:18

Maybe try eating out at family friendly places that have playgrounds/play areas to entertain them, or places like McDonald’s where they don’t care if kids run around etc, they are too small really to be going to a ‘nice’ restaurant and just sitting there 😁

PlanDeRaccordement · 28/08/2021 17:23

@TheWayTheLightFalls

plan you’re smart enough to understand, I think, that my comment reflects my views of gentle parenting.

Oh, you don’t like gentle parenting but can’t really say why with any specifics. Got it.

Goldbar · 28/08/2021 17:27

They aren't old enough to sit quietly and behave in a restaurant. That's where you and your husband come in. They have to be taught and that includes being firm.

Yes, they don't magically get there ime, I'm afraid. My DC will be 4 in a couple of months and, although we're past the running around and throwing food on the floor stage, we still have to emphasise things like sit nicely on your seat, don't slouch or lie on the bench or slide onto the floor, don't shout, talk nicely to adults, say please and thank you, don't use your cutlery as a drumstick and bang on the table, don't dip your fingers in your milk...the list is endless ! I view eating out less as a leisurely pleasure and more as a social experience and chance to reinforce table manners and have a break from cooking.

LakeShoreD · 28/08/2021 17:34

I have a just turned 4YO and absolutely I would expect a 3.5 year old to behave in a restaurant. I’m shocked that people wouldn’t tbh. 20 months is a whole other ballgame though. You can’t reason, can’t bribe, can’t talk expectations before you go, can’t distract for long enough to make it count, can’t discipline because they have no bloody clue… At that age we often used to feed DD at home, walk to the restaurant over nap time so she’d fall asleep in the stroller, park her up next to us and know we’d have at least an hour and a half to enjoy. Much more fun for everyone that way.

Hollyhead · 28/08/2021 17:37

Yabu - I would never take children of that age to a restaurant to meet friends!

addictedtotheflats · 28/08/2021 17:40

Dining out with a 20 month old. Your mad. My DS is 2.4 and it fills me with dread going to a restaurant. 10-15 mins hes roaming around the restaurant, picking stuff off the floor, banging cutlery. I definitely wouldnt be meeting friends with my child at this age

SoundBar · 28/08/2021 17:40

"Respectful" toddler good joke OP

SilverGlitterBaubles · 28/08/2021 17:40

@Whyemseeaye

They're such lovely kids (IMO!) that I don't want to people who don't really know them to think they're badly behaved.

It makes me a bit frazzled

I think kids a a sixth sense for this situation and are guaranteed to play up in front of others. Don't worry you can get your revenge by embarrassing them when they are teens

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 28/08/2021 17:41

I think you can either not take them out, accept there’s a risk of some non-quiet behaviour, or prepare very hard for it with timings etc like a pp suggested. Lots of running around beforehand helps.

It doesn’t come naturally to kids to sit still like that - you need to work at it if you want them to do it.

BridgeFarmKefir · 28/08/2021 17:43

Is this a reverse? I really can't imagine a parent of two ACTUALLY writing this. Small children cannot be expected to be perfect angels (or anything close) while eating out. To be fair to them, it's fucking boring.

We go armed with toys, books, colouring, an iPad, and an understanding that we may need to skip dessert if the toddler is bored.

VanGoSunflowers · 28/08/2021 17:45

Husband is in to "gentle parenting" which isn't really my style. I expect them to behave and to do what they're told

Here is your problem.
Kids need firm boundaries plus loads of love.
They don’t know what good or bad behaviour is unless you teach them. And the teaching will need to happen over and over and over.

The youngest is too young to get it.

a8mint · 28/08/2021 17:49

@GobbleHobble

We eat out regularly with a 2 year 4 months old. We regularly get smiling comments about how well behaved, doesn't need a high chair, what an angel, lots of waiting staff say it's surprising how little entertainment we need to do, no need for a mobile phone or colouring book distraction etc.

But tbh it's because dh and I are a well oiled machine, we time the table with precision, near to little one being hungry bit not too hungry, only at a certain window of the morning, not ever beyond an hour near naptime, we agree who leaves the table with toddler if kicking off in advance, we bring a couple of certain hit foods in case of even fave food being irrationally rejected, we only dine places we can pay quickly and leave and parking is near.... Honestly it's a fucking stress fest. It's worth the prep but seriously it takes longer to prep the conditions than we spend eating! I even wear unusual jewellery as backup entertainment!

You would look at us a think it's easy . It really isn't!

Don't worry, we haven't got a miracle child, you just don't see the hard work an occasional spectacular failures.

Also I would never ever ever take toddler out for anything more than a small snack alone - outnumbering DC is my number 1 suggestion!!

Ha Ha as a parent of 4, I laugh at your smugness and hope you are blessed with a little 'terrorist' next time round. Children are very different-it isn't your superior parenting!

Babynames2 · 28/08/2021 17:51

I do expect them to be respectful of other people and their surroundings. I don't think it's ever too young to expect that?!

YABVU. You expect them to be ‘respectful’ at 20 months?? Of course it’s too young. They don’t even understand the concept of respect. I’ve got a 16 month old and a 4 year old. It’s only in the last few months that we’ve been able to enjoy eating out with the 4 year old as she’s better behaved, at 3.5 she still had occasions where she just wasn’t in the mood to sit quietly and wait for food. We very rarely go now because of the 16 month old. I don’t expect it to get easy to eat out with them until the youngest has turned 3. They’re toddlers, they don’t have the attention span required to sit and behave at a meal.

Tataru · 28/08/2021 17:51

Gentle parenting is absolutely about boundaries. If you don't think it is, then you don't understand what it is - you think gentle parenting = permissive parenting, which isn't the same thing.

ElevenBells · 28/08/2021 17:54

@SmidgenofaPigeon

You should have given them a job to do to keep them occupied.

The smallest one should have been able to manage topping up glasses, for instance. The older one could definitely be invited to participate in the conversation. Did anyone ask their opinion on the Taliban, for example?

😂

VanGoSunflowers · 28/08/2021 17:56

@Tataru

Gentle parenting is absolutely about boundaries. If you don't think it is, then you don't understand what it is - you think gentle parenting = permissive parenting, which isn't the same thing.

Oh my mistake. I thought gentle parenting was permissive parenting to be honest.

My opinion on firm boundaries still stands.

My nearly 4 year old is pretty good in restaurants. He will sit there and wait for food and chat and have hugs or whatever. But I honestly think we are just lucky and has nothing to do with how we parent him!!

MistyFrequencies · 28/08/2021 17:58

You're being very unreasonable and expecting way too much of them.

Confiscatedpopit · 28/08/2021 18:32

No, there isn’t an opposite of ‘gentle’ parenting actually. Mainly because it’s a load of crap. But if you want an opposite ‘effective’ would suffice in my view.

GobbleHobble · 28/08/2021 18:40

laugh at your smugness and hope you are blessed with a little 'terrorist' next time round.
Children are very different-it isn't your superior parenting

Wtf * a8mint

My comments were to suggest to op that her expectations are too high. I don't think being "well behaved" at 20 months is a thing. Hence my "fucking stressful" comment. Despite her maybe seeing other angels of that age - it isn't accurate, her DC are not "badly behaved".

How can you interpret my post to mean my dc are perfectly behaved? It's not true and I don't think that.

Livvielo · 28/08/2021 18:42

What surely this isn’t a genuine post.

SpikeDearheart · 28/08/2021 18:43

I'm genuinely struggling to figure out which posts on this thread are serious I think MN has finally eaten itself here!

TheCanyon · 28/08/2021 18:45

@Whyemseeaye

They're such lovely kids (IMO!) that I don't want to people who don't really know them to think they're badly behaved.

It makes me a bit frazzled

The thing is though, food is JUST food for them, it's not a fun or exciting event, it's largely boring because they can't do bugger all. Whereas you as a grown up see it as a fun catch up with friends.

4dc, I've threatened to walk out plenty restaurants when mine have been wee shits. Not at 3 or 20 months though toddlers aren't very reasonable...

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 28/08/2021 18:48

@SmidgenofaPigeon

At twenty months they won’t have developed the capacity to give a shiny shite of being respectful of random people in a restaurant, no.

This.

He’s a teeny baby. He doesn’t want to sit down that’s all he cares about.

Eating out with a child that young is a constant yo-yo of shushing and going for long walks around the car park. He won’t sit quietly because he’s a baby. It has nothing to do with respect.

Overthinker19 · 28/08/2021 18:54

Expecting a lot of 20 month old. 3.5 year old should be able to sit nicely and behave.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6