To think that if many people in a family don't like you, it's you not them

[Dancemore]

We have a small family. There was a family wedding this week. This family member has fallen out with her mum's husband and also her niece. Neither have contact with her.

She seems nice and has a disabled child (uses a wheelchair and has learning disabilities) who it doesn't look her family support her much with. She doesn't have it easy.

Her niece isn't well liked either and has caused plenty of trouble with other people. She's a young single mum who gets alot of the family to babysit all the time. The child gets passed from pillar to post, Is what is said.

No idea about the fallout with the step dad.

The woman is spoken about quite badly but when discussing it last night, we had no idea why. She's perceived as being awful and spoken about as if she is but she doesn't seem it at all.

Aibu to think that if your close family don't like you, it must be you and not them?

Can work both ways I suppose.

I think if someones was being disliked by many different people then they may need to consider how they are coming across to others.
However, I do think that there are times where a close family, tight knit group of friends may get carried away with a disagreement and they can loose perspective. Leaving the other person appearing much worse than they really are. Kind of like a lynch mob/witch hunt kind of thing.

So I think in the circumstances you describe it does have the potential to be the latter so I would take what they say with a pinch of salt.

Not at all, clanish families can all fall out with someone for the stupidest of reasons and all stick together regardless of the rights and worngs

You need to look at each situation on its own merist

One word; scapegoating.

I think it's less likely in small families, perhaps truer in larger families and friendship groups.

Not necessarily, my older (alpha female) sister had an affair, cheated on a very decent man. I refused to cover up for her, rest of family, sisters and cousins all did, I was ousted as "blood should be thicker than water"
Now I don't speak with any of them, I don't regret it at all.
Affair sister ended up back with original partner, and seeing photographs of the cover up people acting as if they are innocent truly disgusts me.
I'd sooner be alone and have my integrity intact

She's the grooms sister, I'm on the brides side. Our family outnumber their's by about 5:1. The wedding was predominantly the brides family and friends.

At the evening do (it was a long day) the woman in question, her husband and children were sat on a large table just themselves with the rest of the family together on another table next to them with their backs to them. The mum came over and spoke to them but none of the others did. She was actively left out when the females (she has 2 nieces and the other bridesmaids, bestman's partner, mum ) went to get photos together, they deliberately didn't include her. You could tell she was hurt too. I'd like to think it would have to he pretty awful for our family to do that to one of ours. So think she
must have something not right.

I've spoken to her, she's great if not a little insecure. She said she was worried about saying the wrong thing yesterday, so maybe she was keeping herself in check?

When you talk to the bride who knows her best from our family as they're now sister in laws, she says shes nice and kind and has been welcoming to her.

It just makes no sense at all. It's justa really strange situation. Just to add, I love people watching.

My family don't like me because I'm different to them. I don't share their political views, I don't share their opinions on a lot of things, I don't share their (lack of) work ethic etc.

It doesn't mean I'm wrong or they're wrong. We're just different.

I think it depends on the family, I haven't talked to any of mine in years. Some families close ranks quickly and when you're out, you get labeled all sorts. There will be some cases where it is the person and not the rest of the family. Case by case situation really.

It really depends.

Toxic families tend to turn on anyone who calls them out, and make them the scape goat.

On the other hand, there are some people who bounce from one blow up to another, constantly in conflict and falling out with various people for different reasons without developing any insight or introspection about their own role in it.

Maybe there is something else going on that we don't know about. After reading the above posts.

I think close families can be a bit of a hive mind. If one dislikes someone, then others tend to follow suit.

I think if a lot of separate people dislike one person then, yes, the issue is often with the person.

I think if just depends on the family and the dynamics.

Some families are just toxic and fall out for all sorts of pathetic reasons. You should meet my mum and her siblings

The examples you've given make this family sound like a pack of cunts OP.

Usually there is a head cunt ruling the roost at the helm of a toxic family. There's always a scapegoat.

Sometimes you can have a dysfunctional family where certain loyalties and behaviours are expected, often to appease a controlling/narcissistic family member.

If one person starts saying no and stepping out of line they will be persona non grata with everyone, but that doesn't mean it's "them" IYSWIM. So it does depend.

Yes as @captainpillows says, sometimes people are ostracised for doing the right thing. I know someone who was disowned by most of her family for reporting that she was sexually abused by a family member. So it was the family that's the problem.

I feel for her! Which is basically because I am in a similar position in my family.
Many members of my (large) family are narcissistic, and they are all about keeping up appearances over and above being genuine people.
Many are bitchy and talk about each other behind their backs.
All of them value physical attributes and things like which make-up brands they use above “real” things like kindness and being non judgemental.

I can’t sit and be fake with them, nor talk about boring superficial things like what someone is wearing or which family member has put on weight.
Therefore I am regarded as odd, aloof, think I’m better than them etc.
I would never think these things about my own family, I just want to keep my distance from them so I am not forced to be fake to keep the peace or made to feel shit.
It’s self preservation.
However some of them now actively dislike me for it. Whereas I live and let live.
Not judgement, just facts. It’s shit but it is what it is.

I bet it’s a similar thing going on for your poor family member, particularly if you’ve never seen her be anyone but kind and a bit insecure!

There's a herd instinct with some large families where they'll all gang up on one person for not toeing the family line. Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with that one person.

It can be caused by jealousy, where one family member can try & turn others against you by telling lies about you. My bro once told my sis that I'd been talking about her, I hadn't, but he had. I believe that he was jealous as I was getting a little bit too close to her for his liking. That same sis tried to turn another sis & other family members against me too, she failed miserably. My mom always said that she was jealous of me, God knows why! I've questioned myself about this over the years, but I know I'm clean, & glad that they're out of my life.

I think families are complicated and it's very hard to judge based on what little you've seen of theirs.

DH and I are estranged from his parents and eldest sibling, for very good reasons, but we are the ones cut out by the immediate family.

I think it's because families with issues are secretive.

DH's other siblings weren't happy when we went no contact and they did make it known that our decision was making their lives harder.

But they were still reasonably okay with us until we stopped keeping the estrangement and the reasons for it a secret.

When I started to openly talk about what PILs had done to me outside of the family, they were furious with me for discussing it "with strangers" and suddenly I was responsible for tearing their family apart.

I had to have three sets of therapy to help me deal with everything DH's family have done. DH has had two sets of therapy and still needs more.

They used to worst time of our life to abuse us, when we were grieving and least able to defend ourselves. Then raged about it when we did what we needed to do to heal.

But they have come together now, there is an engagement in the family and I suspect we won't even be invited to the wedding. But if we are, and if we go, we will be the people sitting at a table alone while others wonder just what awful things we did.

What we did was set a boundary after two of our children died, PILs were verbally and emotionally abusive about it, and then stalked me and DS while DH was away, to force me to allow them to continue as they wished.

DH for many years refused to talk about the way they have treated him since birth, but can now recognise that all of FILs family and part of MILs have walked away, cut themselves off, or been cut off, due to his parents behaviour.

His siblings have witnessed how we've been treated and decided it's safer to stay on PILs side than stick their own necks out and face what we've been put through since the day we finally set and enforced a firm boundary on what we would no longer allow.

If it was the case that she had fallen out with family and friends and people at work then you may have a point. Just family though? No. Families as a whole can have some very dreadful behaviour and woe betide anyone who doesn't fall in line.

Sometimes though it's not the family and it is the individual. Hard to know without knowing the family history.

@SnoopyLights I'm sorry for your loss, that sounds absolutely awful

Nope, I expressed concern about my sister's narcissistic mildly abusive partner to her and she has turned just about my entire, large family about me. Painted me out to be the biggest monster in the world, god knows what she's said to them about me but I have been well and truly ousted

Just one word

Scapegoat