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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think that if many people in a family don't like you, it's you not them

77 replies

Dancemore · 28/08/2021 12:43

We have a small family. There was a family wedding this week. This family member has fallen out with her mum's husband and also her niece. Neither have contact with her.

She seems nice and has a disabled child (uses a wheelchair and has learning disabilities) who it doesn't look her family support her much with. She doesn't have it easy.

Her niece isn't well liked either and has caused plenty of trouble with other people. She's a young single mum who gets alot of the family to babysit all the time. The child gets passed from pillar to post, Is what is said.

No idea about the fallout with the step dad.

The woman is spoken about quite badly but when discussing it last night, we had no idea why. She's perceived as being awful and spoken about as if she is but she doesn't seem it at all.

Aibu to think that if your close family don't like you, it must be you and not them?

OP posts:

SoNotRainbowRhythms · 28/08/2021 14:21

Most of my family have rejected me because I cut off my abusive father. My fault, I suppose for not putting up with abuse. I know many others who this has happened to, mainly via support groups for abuse survivors.

Original poster

Dancemore · 28/08/2021 14:22

I think I must be quite niece in this then, in sorry if I upset anyone.

It sounds like it's more common than I thought for families to turn on one person. I've never really known it or maybe i did and didnt realise.

I've just been chatting to my other sister on the phone. She said she'd had a conversation with her mum where the subject was danced around and woman was called difficult and not easy.

If I'm with her again in going to make more of an effort to talk to her, if she is being pushed out I think it'd be nice if it's her I'd imagine it would soon show.

OP posts:

LotLessBovver · 28/08/2021 14:22

At the evening do (it was a long day) the woman in question, her husband and children were sat on a large table just themselves with the rest of the family together on another table next to them with their backs to them. The mum came over and spoke to them but none of the others did. She was actively left out when the females (she has 2 nieces and the other bridesmaids, bestman's partner, mum ) went to get photos together, they deliberately didn't include her.

Those aren't the actions of a kind or loving family, are they? These people didn't just ostracise the family member that they had the problem with - the children have been left out too.

sweetieqie · 28/08/2021 14:22

This is stupid logic. In a family, everyone knows each other. All it takes is one person to say something and the rest will buy into it, especially if you fall out with a patriarch/matriarch

Obviously some cases do involve a problematic family member. But you making a blanket statement is quite shitty

My M always spoke horribly of me to others since I was a child and it still impacts me today. I had to go NC with everyone because the personal attacks, lies and private information she went around telling everyone e who would listen, has caused irreparable damage.

Suetully · 28/08/2021 14:23

*''However, I do think that there are times where a close family, tight knit group of friends may get carried away with a disagreement and they can loose perspective. Leaving the other person appearing much worse than they really are. Kind of like a lynch mob/witch hunt kind of thing.''

''Not at all, clanish families can all fall out with someone for the stupidest of reasons and all stick together regardless of the rights and worngs''*

This and this with bells on. It is not just in families, people by their nature will not want to go against a ring leader or clique and often one person gets vilified and the rest will join in. I've seen it in families, in groups of women and groups of men.

WhereYouLeftIt · 28/08/2021 14:23

"I've spoken to her, she's great if not a little insecure. She said she was worried about saying the wrong thing yesterday, so maybe she was keeping herself in check?"

Essentially you are doing a "give a dog a bad name" here.

And I find the idea that this insecure woman worrying about saying the wrong thing led you to think that she usually says the wrong thing - well, it's lacking in empathy, isn't it? I'd be more likely to assume that she's worried she'll be jumped on by her family at the first opportunity So what you call 'keeping herself in check' I'd call pre-emptive withdrawal of someone trying to avoid attack.

From your description, I can make a sweeping generalisation.

There's a dominant personality in that family that has decided this woman is the Family Scapegoat. She will be blamed for everything, whether she had anything to do with it or not. The rest of the family do not argue with the dominant personality, through a combination of (1) being brought up with this unhealthy dynamic and knowing nothing else, and (2) relief at not being the nominated scapegoat.

Original poster

Dancemore · 28/08/2021 14:24

I must be naive not niece (auto correct)

OP posts:

Porcupineintherough · 28/08/2021 14:25

I think if you fall out with several members of your family you should at least pause and consider the possibility that the common denominator is you. But that wont always be the case and, even if it is, it doesnt necessarily mean that you have done anything wrong. I know several scapegoats who have fallen out with family when they reject the role fi.

Suetully · 28/08/2021 14:31

I think close families can be a bit of a hive mind. If one dislikes someone, then others tend to follow suit.

especially with a ring leader.

StevieNix · 28/08/2021 14:31

We’ve fallen out with the majority of DH’s family and have been no contact with them for over 5 years now. His family are like a cult, when your in the midst of it you believe everything the ‘charismatic’ cult leader says (DH’s narcissistic, lying, stealing dad) even if all evidence tells you that what he says is not true. It’s only when you’re outside of it or you’ve finally had enough and go no contact that you can see it for what it really is and how toxic it all is. Other family members are too afraid to speak out against him incase they turn on them. It’s unbelievable really!

iamprobablynotyourcupoftea · 28/08/2021 14:33

My cousins won't add me on social media. Or my dad.
Yet they add my sister and talk about meeting up. I said to my sister why should we meet up with people who won't even acknowledge me online. Then they get offended when I talk about my friends being family. It's all a joke.

RitaFires · 28/08/2021 14:35

An awful lot of families have one member that they "know what he or she is like" that controls things with their tantrums and the others are expected to placate them at every turn. If you're the reasonable party in these kind of disputes it is expected that you will apologise and smooth things over as it is accepted the unreasonable one never will. If you haven't encountered this dynamic before you are lucky because it's shockingly common. There are of course people so unreasonable that everyone falls out with them but it should quickly become clear which type you are dealing with.

AntiSocialDistancer · 28/08/2021 14:36

I think some families can be a bit toxic, and someone setting up healthy boundaries can be seen by others as alienating themselves. The truth might be different.

FatCatThinCat · 28/08/2021 14:38

It depends on your perspective. I have no contact with any of my close family and they definitely don't like me. Is it me? Probably, because I'm not an utter fuckwick like the rest of them and won't play along with their fuckwittery.

Suetully · 28/08/2021 14:40

A question like the ops and the conversation on this thread is ironic and very much like mn threads at times because often times, namely on aibu, ops get roasted and pile ons happen against the op when they are making perfectly valid points and being reasonable.

So if strangers on the internet forums can do it you can be sure it's human nature and is in all social groups.

bamboocat · 28/08/2021 15:06

Look at this way. Say you just started at a new school mid-term and you met someone who seemed nice. Then you noticed that a group of people were saying really unpleasant things about this person and ostracising her.

Who would you blame - the bullies, or the victim? And who would you side with?

Now look at this family situation of yours again. Can you be really sure that there's something 'not right' about this woman? No, you can't. You need to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Suetully · 28/08/2021 15:10

Say you just started at a new school mid-term and you met someone who seemed nice. Then you noticed that a group of people were saying really unpleasant things about this person and ostracising her.

why not just say workplace? The politics between that and the playground have little difference and I say that as a teacher.

bamboocat · 28/08/2021 15:40

@Suetully I could have equally used a workplace in the example, but I chose school because I'm speaking from personal experience of something that happened when I changed schools. The situation the OP is in now struck a chord. They always say 'write about what you know', so I did. Okay?

HereticFanjo · 28/08/2021 15:42

Yes I agree with the scapegoating thing. I've observed it in action in my own family, usually with a narc getting their winged monkeys on the case.

wedwewerpink · 28/08/2021 15:50

Yep. I know someone like who is always moving jobs because "everyone at the last place of work was horrible to her!' And she never gets on with anyone including family members. She completely fails to see that SHE is the common denominator.

M0rT · 28/08/2021 15:59

Her brother invited her to his wedding and the bride said she has been lovely and kind to her.
So I'm guessing the problem is not with her.
Possibly the stepdad and no-one wants to risk losing their mother so they don't cross him.
Possibly the niece was refused childcare and goes around bitching about her.
By all means be friendly to her if you meet at another family function but I wouldn't overthink it.

JustLyra · 28/08/2021 16:02

Aibu to think that if your close family don't like you, it must be you and not them?

Not at all.

None of my siblings like me, and have turned several wider family members against me for the crime of not joining them in visiting our abusive father in the hospice when he was dying.

I cemented my position of being "difficult" when I pointed out to my eldest brother (my siblings are all 8-12 years older than me) that I was nearly 40 so no, I wouldn't "just wind my neck in and do as I'm told for once".

Also my siblings are of the opinion that siblings should be one group. So, when my sister fell out with my cousin over something silly they genuinely expected everyone to fall out with said cousin. To the point that cousin's daughter had 11 people just not turn up to her wedding because her mother (so not even her) hadn't loaned my sister her care.

lannistunut · 28/08/2021 16:04

@MuggleStudiesResearchProject

One word; scapegoating.

Yes this. It is common for families to single one person out as a trouble causer.

Do not judge anything based on what others say, you don't know enough to judge by the sound of it.

RubyOneShoe · 28/08/2021 16:15

Those aren't the actions of a kind or loving family, are they? These people didn't just ostracise the family member that they had the problem with - the children have been left out too.

Totally agree with this. They sat with their backs to, and ignored DC as well? That says a lot more about them than the family members they blackballed!

I’m NC with my entire family (30+ members). Family I never gad a cross word with and never had a bad word to say about me afaik. My mother even used to say I’d give my shirt off my back to anyone who needed it and would never say boo to a goose (her exact words) until I stood up to her for the first time in my life aged 39 due to a serious issue which I couldn’t just let go, then all hell broke lose and I was painted as the crazy psycho bitch from hell. The rest of the family didn’t want to hear my side and I was sent off into the metaphorical desert, along with my DC who were blatantly snubbed when they made contact on their own. DC who they’d all seemed very fond of. It was shocking and something I still can’t get my head round over ten years later.

Took me a long time to realise I’d been the family scapegoat and my mother was a raging narc. Wouldn’t have believed it unless I’d experienced it myself.

RincewindsHat · 28/08/2021 16:41

It's bullying, plain and simple. Or scapegoating as others have said. Call it what you want. My mother was scapegoated by her sister and BIL for decades, and it carried on into her sister's daughter (my cousin) bullying me severely when we were kids for no reason other than the made-up poison her parents spewed into her ears about our family. The rest of the family didn't join in exactly but they also did not step in and put a stop to it, although they acknowledge what happened. Some people are just poisonous assholes, and it's people with victim-blaming mentality like your OP that enable them.

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