To think that if many people in a family don't like you, it's you not them

[Dancemore]

We have a small family. There was a family wedding this week. This family member has fallen out with her mum's husband and also her niece. Neither have contact with her.

She seems nice and has a disabled child (uses a wheelchair and has learning disabilities) who it doesn't look her family support her much with. She doesn't have it easy.

Her niece isn't well liked either and has caused plenty of trouble with other people. She's a young single mum who gets alot of the family to babysit all the time. The child gets passed from pillar to post, Is what is said.

No idea about the fallout with the step dad.

The woman is spoken about quite badly but when discussing it last night, we had no idea why. She's perceived as being awful and spoken about as if she is but she doesn't seem it at all.

Aibu to think that if your close family don't like you, it must be you and not them?

I could have equally used a workplace in the example, but I chose school because I'm speaking from personal experience of something that happened when I changed schools. The situation the OP is in now struck a chord. They always say 'write about what you know', so I did. Okay?

Eh I meant my comment in the context to emphasise that schools where we tend to think of toxic bullying and cliques and is child like behaviour exists in the adult world too, it wasn't aimed at you personally. Okay?

I’m the scapegoat to DH’s family. Any time there is an issue it’s my fault. I find it so so difficult to get on with them, which is odd because most of the time I get on pretty well with most people.

So I guess I disagree, there are many reasons why family rifts exist and as an outsider it’s not always easy to understand what’s going on.

@MuggleStudiesResearchProject

One word; scapegoating.

100% sounds like this.

I believe the adage "If the first person you meet in the day is a twat, then it's highly likely they're a twat. But if everyone you meet in the day is a twat, then it's highly likely you're the twat."

YABU.

Some families are exceptionally toxic and anyone who dares to "speak up" about it is ostracised and picked on.

I never thought of scapegoating in this type of scenario but it does seem to fit. It is another form of abuse.
Lots of things can turn family against one or more individuals.
Being a stronger personality is one.

Standing up to abusive types is not liked by the abusers and this can bring pressure on the abused to isolate further from family.
Marrying outside your own religion etc
One person having more wealth and others being annoyed by this without thinking how much effort went into becoming wealthy
A person who divorced someone years ago, despite a load of evil deeds known to the family this someone re-appears once the DC are older and spins a very different tale.
Being expected/demanded to be in the company of people who did you wrong and keep the silence on the truth of the past.

Interestingly there is a person who is in the position of being isolated from family because they will not "go along with the lie", has spoken out to abusers, refused to be used and abused by the family. This same person is still friends with people from 1st school and people from way back but those in touch with an abuser from the past have a bad view of this same person.

A bit of thought and the truth should be clear.

My mum used to tell bare faced lies about us, everyone thought she was being oppressed by us. Reality was we did all the cleaning plus babysitting. She lied through her teeth and I was too beat down and young to defend myself. She is extremely convincing and liked by a lot of people. Wouldn’t believe everything you think you know about people.

@Suetully

I could have equally used a workplace in the example, but I chose school because I'm speaking from personal experience of something that happened when I changed schools. The situation the OP is in now struck a chord. They always say 'write about what you know', so I did. Okay?

Eh I meant my comment in the context to emphasise that schools where we tend to think of toxic bullying and cliques and is child like behaviour exists in the adult world too, it wasn't aimed at you personally. Okay?

We all know that already. And as I said, I was using it in a context with which I was specifically familiar. A new person turns up (school, work, pub, wherever) and notices that someone who appears nice is being bullied by everyone else. Doesn't mean there's a reason for the bullying.

@ChocolateChipBelvitaSoftBake

I think if someones was being disliked by many different people then they may need to consider how they are coming across to others. However, I do think that there are times where a close family, tight knit group of friends may get carried away with a disagreement and they can loose perspective. Leaving the other person appearing much worse than they really are. Kind of like a lynch mob/witch hunt kind of thing.

So I think in the circumstances you describe it does have the potential to be the latter so I would take what they say with a pinch of salt.

Agree with this.

If a group of people all from different walks off life all independently dont like you, perhaps yes it is you. But the same family, presumably socialised similarly .. not so much. A whole family can be absolutely out of kilter with the world

My family really don't like me. They think I'm snobby and I'm not. I'm just really quiet.

They also think I'm absolutely thick and openly mock anything I say or do. I'm always the butt of family jokes and treated poorly. One day I had enough of hearing about how shit I am as a person and cut all contact. Yesterday I cut off the very last family member. Life has been so much nicer since I cut the majority out.

I was not invited to family parties, get together etc. They started mocking my husband and 6 years ago I decided at that point no more. Then there was a family funeral and I had exactly the same issue and was glad to be out of it.

It's possibly me but my perception is that it's them.

@peaceanddove

I believe the adage "If the first person you meet in the day is a twat, then it's highly likely they're a twat. But if everyone you meet in the day is a twat, then it's highly likely you're the twat."

I'm probably a twat, then.

However, DP loves me, the animals love me, I seem to have really nice people around me at work, DP's family love me, friends seem to like me.

It's just the 50% DNA sharers who dislike me, think I'm stupid, selfish, a liar, thief, attention seeker, etc. Oh, and self centred for not getting involved and forcing my inclusion once I realised they didn't actually like or give a shit about me and after the initial hurt because I loved them, I realised they're all emotionally stunted and were happy to abandon an abused teenager because they were pissed off they'd have to do the looking after of the abuser once I got out.

So, five people I have some dna in common with think I'm a cunt. And my ex who thinks that there's no smoke without fire where it comes to justifying how he treated me (and resents the fact I didn't have a huge inheritance following a death). But people I actually spend time around seem to like me or at least tolerate me.

Maybe it's not me?

Most of my extended family don't like me because I'm adopted. I'm not blood and took attention,money,inheritance whatever from their own kids.

It's fine, I never liked them either.

DH & I don't get on tremendously well with my immediate family or his. My parents & sibling go to a church that promotes bigotry in a lot of forms, they preach their views in the street (some members have been prosecuted for hate speech) & they believe the apocalypse is coming in our lifetime; they believe they know what year it will happen. I worry for their mental health, they are anti vaxx, won't seek medical care, believe that illness, disability etc are caused by demons (i.e. spiritual weakness) which must be driven out, they don't believe in dinosaurs or evolution. My mother accused me of promiscuity (I was sexually assaulted as a teen) & my father is an alcoholic who once told me he wished they'd never had me, & who knocked me out when I accidentally got between him & the alcohol cabinet, I was about 9 I think.

In contrast my PILs are a delight. They are merely entirely lacking in boundaries, hoarders, hoarders by proxy (i.e. they regularly foist their junk on us), compulsive shoppers, narcissistic & not above manipulating a child to get their own way. And they made DH homeless when he had a MH breakdown after a friend died & they couldn't continue rinsing him of all his income every month. I'd only known him a few months & didn't feel I had a choice but to have him live with me, I wasn't really ready. I've never really regretted it though.

On the plus side, we're strong together & have learnt to cope on our own. My mother said to me once she doesn't know how I cope - I have a serious chronic incurable illness. I didn't bother to reply. I didn't know how to say that their venom has made me strong.

Some families are just dysfunctional and/or toxic. It may be her, it may be the other family members. Don't jump to any conclusions. But if I were you I'd be a little bit wary/on my guard with the family. I speak as someone that has a family a bit like this.

No, not necessarily.

There are bullying cliques all over the place. It's also not uncommon in the workplace.

A telling sign is generally who it is is doing the gossiping and backbiting about others, or with a lot to say about who they do and do not like. In any workplace, these are the people I actively choose to avoid.

Might (or safety in numbers) does not equal right.

I think when it's people from different contexts around don't like one person, yes, it almost certainly the one person.

Family (or one context) not so sure, because they could be discussing it, and coming at it from one view point because one person has gone around saying the scapegoat is unreasonable.

It's a bit like looking at reviews. You look and see there are 100 reviews. If 50 are bad, then it's likely there's something to it.

So you look at the bad reviews. They're all clearly bad reviews from the same time, possible even given by the same group. They're written in such a way you suspect that some of them are just quoting what they've been told.

It may be then that all the bad reviews are from an incident that did happen, but may have been a one off/sorted out since. Or it may be that actually someone in the group took against the place and has told others so they're all basically repeating what they've been told.

Or it might be that you look at the bad reviews and find they're all from different times and mildly different issues, but there is a common theme. The chances are that is an issue that is ongoing and they're not dealing with it.

Or you might look at the bad reviews and find they're all mentioning little things that aren't actually relevant to the situation. (eg a book review that gives it one star because "it arrived 2 days late"), in which case you may conclude that it's not worth worrying about.

So if a group of unconnected people are all expressing the same concerns about someone. Then yes, I'd say it's unlikely the issue isn't the individual.
Otherwise, you need to make the decision on your own experiences.

Not at all.
Some families are weird about "loyalty" etc.
And I doubt you are getting the full story.

I remember watching a documentary about hyenas where the runt of the pack was ostracized, physically tortured and denied food until it starved to death.
Many families are like that but they do it in more subtle ways and the death may only be psychological.

Depends on the family, obviously.

Some families are toxic or just fucked up -

To speak to my family I'm a piece of scum.

I made the decision 4yrs ago to walk away. It is very very limited contact consisting mainly of bumping into my mother while I do my shopping, twice this year so I changed my shopping day.

The vile lies my sister tells everyone about me has to be heard to be believed.

This is purely self preservation, my life has thrived since I walked away, went to college, work promotion.

My sister has turned on my son, he has blanked her so she is going through his GF including trying to split them up.

My sister rules the family, she is the youngest but my parents are terrified of her so turn a blind eye and walk on egg shells for peace.

I'm better off away from them and the constant drama that comes with them. It's just mentally exhausting.

If most people that you encounter in lots of different environments don't like you, its likely something about you. If its people in one setting, your family, current workplace, school gates etc, but you're fine everywhere else, I'd say that group is just a bad fit for you in values, lifestyle whatever. Or that you're being bullied by the group because the person with the power in that group doesn't like you.

My husband's family hate me (only in-law not invited to family WhatsApp group, family occasions, openly say they want to see my kids but not me etc) but they also hate their dads new girlfriend, and for years they excluded their brother's wife who is now back in the fold, so I don't believe it's me. I'm lovely

My sil was awful to me and the whole family took her side. I did everything I could to show them that it was her and not me and asked why had they all turned their back on me. Eventually one admitted that it was because “blood is thicker than water” so they will always side with sil no matter what she does.
Some families take on a gang mentality. Once you’re labelled as the outsider, there’s no way back in.
OP, the person you describe could be lovely but the rest of the family just won’t give her a chance.

My friend's boyfriend was ousted from his family by his overbearing father because he admitted to not believing in God or wanting to follow the Jehovah's witness religion when he got to 18. His Dad made it clear he was to have no contact with them or any extended family unless he was prepared to follow their religion strictly

If you come from a family with no morals or honesty or integrity it can leave you isolated if you don't put up with it. For example if your family are racists. Your options are to keep arguing with them about it, tolerate it or distance yourself because you don't want to listen to it and you don't want your DC exposed to it. Just because you distance yourself, it doesn't make you the bad person. But sometimes they'll avoid and badmouth you as a group, which leaves you isolated. So to me YABU.