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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To step in when someone is yelling at their child…..

105 replies

Dandy008 · 27/08/2021 15:47

My friend and I went to the zoo today.

A mother in front of us in the cafe, had 3 children with her, she was also with another adult female who had two children with her.

There was a young girl in her pram, I would’ve said around 2ish (maybe younger) who was crying and screaming.

My son does this often so it’s nothing new to see a child crying in the pram.

However, the mother very abruptly, told the child to shut up and go to sleep.
The child was getting really upset, and reaching to her mother.
The mother grabbed hold of the child’s arms, pulled her towards her and said “shut the f*ck up and go to sleep”

The child was clearly distressed but not once did the mother take her out of the pram or offer any comfort.

She began talking to the other adult referring to
her own younger child as a “little twat” who needs to go to sleep. (Meanwhile, said child was becoming more and more upset)

The child threw her dummy on the floor and the mother said “well that can f*cking stay there”

Her other two children were sat eating and there was no interaction from the mother to them, but the younger child was still very upset and the mother repeatedly was shouting and swearing at her.

Both my friend I began to feel really uncomfortable with how this situation was escalating and especially because the child was so upset and the mother seemed to be getting angrier with her.

I was going to walk over and ask if she was okay or if there was anything I could do to help her, but before go the chance, someone else went over to her.

They didn’t offer her help but began to tell her off and threaten to call the police.

There was a bit of a heated argument the staff came over to diffuse the situation.

I wouldn’t have gone over to argue or tell the mother off (as much as I wanted to) but more to step in to offer support…

Is this a thing? Is it reasonable to do this?!

OP posts:
HomesForHedgehogs · 27/08/2021 15:49

I wouldn’t be offering help or support, I’d be doing what that other person did. She was abusing her child and the police were the correct course of action.

IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves · 27/08/2021 15:51

What support were you planning on offering her?

AryaStarkWolf · 27/08/2021 15:51

Poor baby :(

Original poster
Dandy008 · 27/08/2021 15:52

@HomesForHedgehogs

I had my own child with me and didn’t want to risk his safety by provoking the mother.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dandy008 · 27/08/2021 15:53

@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

What support were you planning on offering her?
@IveGotASongThatllGetOnYNerves

Not really sure. But I haven’t stopped thinking about it since I came home and at the time I just really wanted to go over and step in.

Mainly pick up the baby and give her her hug. 😔

OP posts:
BaronessOfTheNorth · 27/08/2021 15:53

I wouldn't offer support, no. The other woman did the right thing, she was abusing her child.

I'd never have withheld comfort from my crying child, not doing it seems inhuman.

FreeBritnee · 27/08/2021 15:53

Fucking hell. If she’s doing that in public, god only knows what she’s doing in private. She will get someone taping her one day and it will end up on SM and the next step is SS.

Original poster
Dandy008 · 27/08/2021 15:54

@BaronessOfTheNorth

It was awful to witness. I couldn’t imagine leaving my son crying like that. Or any other child either.

OP posts:
Fernando072020 · 27/08/2021 15:55

Ugh I got a lump in my stomach reading this. My DS is 13 months and the thought of him screaming and reaching for me while I ignore him is awful.

TheWayTheLightFalls · 27/08/2021 15:55

I dunno. I might have offered to take the little one in its pram for a short walk or something but I don’t she’d have handed her over to a random member of the public. Haranguing an already het up person will never work will it?

mushforbrain · 27/08/2021 15:55

I would hope I would have the guts to do what the other person did. If she does this in public imagine what life is like for those kids at home. Heartbreaking.

Original poster
Dandy008 · 27/08/2021 15:57

@TheWayTheLightFalls

I dunno. I might have offered to take the little one in its pram for a short walk or something but I don’t she’d have handed her over to a random member of the public. Haranguing an already het up person will never work will it?
No I doubt she would either, I think my instinct at the time was just to comfort the baby by stepping in.
OP posts:
Honeymare · 27/08/2021 15:58

That is so sad. I think the other woman was right. I do see where you're coming from too, my instinct would have been to offer help however slim the chances are of her accepting it.

goingforatrot · 27/08/2021 15:59

@Honeymare

That is so sad. I think the other woman was right. I do see where you're coming from too, my instinct would have been to offer help however slim the chances are of her accepting it.
You would've been told to fuck off, most likely
Original poster
Dandy008 · 27/08/2021 16:00

@goingforatrot

This is what I would’ve most likely expect, but I guess in my head, I was thinking if I went over supportive (which I know would’ve been difficult) it was less provoking..

OP posts:
Arsebucket · 27/08/2021 16:00

There is a real difference between seeing a snapshot of a parent who is really struggling and what you have described.

Original poster
Dandy008 · 27/08/2021 16:03

@Arsebucket

I’ve personally never witnessed anything like this before, hopefully I never will again.

It’s an awful feeling. I think both me and my friend felt completely helpless.

I was hoping by taking the supportive approach there would less repercussions for myself, my friend and our own two children.

OP posts:
FindingMeno · 27/08/2021 16:04

I think intervention is the right thing here, but I would be more inclined to speak to the staff first, see if they have cctv, and if they might report to the police rather than having to tackle it alone.
It's all about the right result rather than a showdown with someone who doesn't seem to have boundaries and doesn't care about the impact of an altercation on her children.

JaninesEyePatch · 27/08/2021 16:04

Haven't experienced seeing it to quite this extent, but I have frequently seen parents loudly and angrily telling their kids to shut up.

One thing that really winds me up is parents who call their kids "little shits", "wee dicks" or "arseholes". I see and hear this a lot and although I'm sure the parents are "joking", I just think it is so so mean.

I don't think parents who act like this have any idea what they are doing to their children. Hopefully the other customer has given them a bit of a shock into acting nicer towards their child.

Longestsummerever23444 · 27/08/2021 16:06

Exactly what @FreeBritnee said… if this is in public that I dread to think what goes on behind closed doors.

Constellationstation · 27/08/2021 16:06

I don’t really understand going over there to offer support. She was being abusive towards her child. If you’d have gone over and said ‘can I help?’ she would have probably looked at you baffled and told you to fuck off. Do you think the other person was wrong in threatening to call the police? I’m just trying to understand your stance on it. I think they did the right thing.

Original poster
Dandy008 · 27/08/2021 16:07

It's all about the right result rather than a showdown with someone who doesn't seem to have boundaries and doesn't care about the impact of an altercation on her children.

@FindingMeno agreed! I don’t like confrontation and I especially didn’t want to engage in an argument with an already aggressive person, and not around kids!

OP posts:
YoComoManzanas · 27/08/2021 16:07

This mother clearly needs social services support so I'm glad the other person stepped in. I hope they did call the authorities and report her and the children get some help.
I personally wouldn't have done anything because I'm not great at thinking of the right thing to do at the time. I would have beaten myself up about the scene for a while though and wished I'd done something.
What did the mother/carers companion say? Why didn't she call her out too?

Original poster
Dandy008 · 27/08/2021 16:09

@Constellationstation

I don’t really understand going over there to offer support. She was being abusive towards her child. If you’d have gone over and said ‘can I help?’ she would have probably looked at you baffled and told you to fuck off. Do you think the other person was wrong in threatening to call the police? I’m just trying to understand your stance on it. I think they did the right thing.
@Constellationstation

No, I don’t think they were wrong at all. But the other person was equally quite aggressive, shouting and swearing at the mother about how she was treating her baby.

I think the police definitely need to get involved, I just wouldn’t have wanted to go over and threaten that.

OP posts:
Teamfemale · 27/08/2021 16:11

Some people speak to their kids like shit. I see it in work all the time.

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