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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To step in when someone is yelling at their child…..

105 replies

Dandy008 · 27/08/2021 15:47

My friend and I went to the zoo today.

A mother in front of us in the cafe, had 3 children with her, she was also with another adult female who had two children with her.

There was a young girl in her pram, I would’ve said around 2ish (maybe younger) who was crying and screaming.

My son does this often so it’s nothing new to see a child crying in the pram.

However, the mother very abruptly, told the child to shut up and go to sleep.
The child was getting really upset, and reaching to her mother.
The mother grabbed hold of the child’s arms, pulled her towards her and said “shut the f*ck up and go to sleep”

The child was clearly distressed but not once did the mother take her out of the pram or offer any comfort.

She began talking to the other adult referring to
her own younger child as a “little twat” who needs to go to sleep. (Meanwhile, said child was becoming more and more upset)

The child threw her dummy on the floor and the mother said “well that can f*cking stay there”

Her other two children were sat eating and there was no interaction from the mother to them, but the younger child was still very upset and the mother repeatedly was shouting and swearing at her.

Both my friend I began to feel really uncomfortable with how this situation was escalating and especially because the child was so upset and the mother seemed to be getting angrier with her.

I was going to walk over and ask if she was okay or if there was anything I could do to help her, but before go the chance, someone else went over to her.

They didn’t offer her help but began to tell her off and threaten to call the police.

There was a bit of a heated argument the staff came over to diffuse the situation.

I wouldn’t have gone over to argue or tell the mother off (as much as I wanted to) but more to step in to offer support…

Is this a thing? Is it reasonable to do this?!

OP posts:

roses2 · 27/08/2021 16:11

@Arsebucket

There is a real difference between seeing a snapshot of a parent who is really struggling and what you have described.

Snapshot or not it's not a normal reaction to swear several times at your child in public regardless of how much you or the child are struggling.

GreyhoundG1rl · 27/08/2021 16:12

You can't even explain what help and support you might have been able to offer, op. Of course it needed to be stopped, but not by a complete stranger offering support.
I'm surprised nobody's been on yet to suggest the usual; a cup of tea and a big hug!

something2say · 27/08/2021 16:13

I've done this several times. I was that kid tho, and everyone stood by. If only someone had said something, the trajectory of our lives might have been so different.

Once at Heathrow I'm maybe 26, rammed luggage hall, family of 6, dad grabs teenage son by the lapel then arm and shoved him. I went over and stood up for the lad, the looks on the faces were priceless. And on leaving I told the lad, if he does it worse when you get home because of this, TELL SOMEONE.

The next occasion was as I was leaving the gym, the door opened and I bowled out to be in the middle of two mums and three teens, and one mum lunged at a teen boy and said something horrible and shouted at him. I got out of the middle and got to my car, feeling very shocked and not liking it for the boy at all, and I swung my car round the carpark to see them all in front of me. Being furious I would down the window and shouted to the boy, TELL YOUR TEACHER TOMORROW. And as I passed the women, I yelled at the mum, if you EVER speak to your child that way again, you deserve social services!!! And the looks on their faces. I was very angry that time.

I will always stand up for people being abused in public.

OneTC · 27/08/2021 16:14

She doesn't sound like she needs support though. She sounds like an abusive dickhead

KingdomScrolls · 27/08/2021 16:14

I called the police recently, I was out with my DS and a woman and man were screaming and swearing at a boy about seven, then the woman started hitting him across the back and legs repeatedly, I called 999 and shouted across the road for her to stop hitting him. I had already taken a picture of them. I didn't physically intervene because I was alone with my DS and didn't want to put him at risk but I desperately wanted to. Once I'd shouted a man coming out of the train station went over there and said wtf do you think you're doing if you want a fight in available and then said to the man you're disgusting letting her do this (he hadn't seen the first bit with the male involved). They left promptly before police arrived (within a few minutes) I gave a statement and the picture I had as did other witnesses. I've seen from a local police FB page they have now identified the woman and the matter is being dealt with. Like you OP I wanted to do the right thing but also didn't want to jeopardise my child's safety and when I shouted out I did get a mouthful of abuse back.

lllllllllll · 27/08/2021 16:15

They didn’t offer her help but began to tell her off and threaten to call the police.

I personally am so glad this other person has the guts to call her out and threaten to call the police. If more people did this rather than turning a blind eye, perhaps there would be less children living in abusive situations. I feel so sorry for those poor kids.

lllllllllll · 27/08/2021 16:17

Thank you @KingdomScrolls

Constellationstation · 27/08/2021 16:18

@Dandy008 oh god, it all sounds awful 😞

Original poster

Dandy008 · 27/08/2021 16:21

@GreyhoundG1rl

You can't even explain what help and support you might have been able to offer, op. Of course it needed to be stopped, but not by a complete stranger offering support. I'm surprised nobody's been on yet to suggest the usual; a cup of tea and a big hug!

@GreyhoundG1rl

That’s because I don’t know… I would’ve just gone over and see where it led 🤷🏻‍♀️

I was in a situation that was very uncomfortable and hard to watch. I don’t know what I wanted to do, I just wanted her to stop with the aggression towards her child.

It wasn’t about offering her a hug or tea, I’m sure all mums can get frustrated with their kids, but this was another level.

I wasn’t thinking of necessarily supporting the mum, more offering support by preventing anything escalating further:

I guess part of me was thinking maybe I should go over and offer to pick up her child, take her for a walk or ask if she wanted me to push the pram to settle the baby.

Thinking about that now it probably wouldn’t have gone down well, but at that moment in time I just wanted to step in.

OP posts:

Rosebel · 27/08/2021 16:22

So the other customer made things worse because they were also shouting and swearing. If they were going to behave in the same way as the person they were telling off what did they think was going to happen?
The mothers behaviour to her child was unacceptable (although perhaps she knew the child needed sleep and gets worse if picked up) and it sounds like she needs some professional help not a random stranger swearing and escalating a tense situation.

KingdomScrolls · 27/08/2021 16:23

I saw it as your attempt to just disrupt the situation without being confrontational, and not being sure what to do. You'd hope just buy bribing attention to the fact that others are noticing the behaviour it would stop it. Any intervention is better than none OP , your intentions were good

lllllllllll · 27/08/2021 16:25

I guess part of me was thinking maybe I should go over and offer to pick up her child, take her for a walk or ask if she wanted me to push the pram to settle the baby.

Thinking about that now it probably wouldn’t have gone down well, but at that moment in time I just wanted to step in.

You’re right that it would not have gone down well. You’d most likely have got a baffled look and the F word thrown at you.

Also, I think this 100% sounds like a police matter so the other person was right to take the approach they did. Were the police actually called do you know?

Thatsplentyjack · 27/08/2021 16:25

I've done this before when we were at the beach. Went back to the car and there was a grandmother giving her granddaughter (about 3/4) an absolute tirade of abuse. Swearing at her calling her disgusting names like a fucking unless thick bitch. Telling her she would never go anywhere with her again because she had sand on her, then proceeded to pick her massive long haired dog up and put it in the car. The little girls mother was there but didn't say a word. I actually don't thunk the little girl was aware that it was aimed at her, never the less I put my kids in the car and went over told her she should be fu King ashamed of herself, that her verbal abuse towards a child was disgusting.
I actually felt really sorry for the mother. Think this was probably a common occurance.
I actually took a picture of her reg plate. I asked a police officer friend what she thought I should do, but she said it was really unlikely anything would happen/ done even if I did report it.

AtticusHoysAnus · 27/08/2021 16:27

There's some real sack of shit parents out there.

Hopefully the kid doesn't end up as an item in the news.

Thatsplentyjack · 27/08/2021 16:28

I would like to point out all children were in the car by the time I went over. She was still standing stroking her precious manky dog.

lllllllllll · 27/08/2021 16:30

I actually took a picture of her reg plate. I asked a police officer friend what she thought I should do, but she said it was really unlikely anything would happen/ done even if I did report it.

That doesn’t sound right to me. If this family were already known to social services, then what you saw could have been used in a case they were building. I would always report.

FTEngineerM · 27/08/2021 16:32

This is grim.
I’ve only noticed it since being a parent so maybe I was just blind to it before. I got really emotional the other day when I hear this mother saying all sorts of things like ‘are you thick or what’ and ‘don’t you fucking dare drop that’ what must these kids self esteem be like?! If their own mother is talking to them like that.

WeledaHelp · 27/08/2021 16:33

I have literally just seen something similar. A 5ish year old boy with his parents with the boy crying and refusing to walk along. The dad screaming at the boy and then going up to him and saying something angrily, with his head touching his head. Really didn’t know what to do as the man was very aggressive but a few others intervened.

The man ended up picking up the boy under his arms and storming away. I’m actually crying wondering what to do. Should I call the police? They’ve gone now.

Original poster

Dandy008 · 27/08/2021 16:35

@lllllllllll

I guess part of me was thinking maybe I should go over and offer to pick up her child, take her for a walk or ask if she wanted me to push the pram to settle the baby.

Thinking about that now it probably wouldn’t have gone down well, but at that moment in time I just wanted to step in.

You’re right that it would not have gone down well. You’d most likely have got a baffled look and the F word thrown at you.

Also, I think this 100% sounds like a police matter so the other person was right to take the approach they did. Were the police actually called do you know?

@lllllllllll

I left the cafe when they were all arguing and the staff got involved. The other person was on the phone and was shouting they were calling the police so I do believe they were called.

OP posts:

hiredandsqueak · 27/08/2021 16:42

I have called the police when I witnessed a woman hitting, dragging and screaming and swearing at her child. I suspect others did too as when the police arrived there were people showing footage. It was really awful but couldn't have intervened myself as I had my own children with me so did what I could.

Cam2020 · 27/08/2021 16:43

If this is how they freat their child in public, I hate to think what they do in private!

feb2022 · 27/08/2021 16:43

This is so sad!
I dread to think what goes on at home 🥺
My neighbours friend was outside her house yesterday and her little girl must be about 3,
I was pegging the washing out and the little girl wanted to press the doorbell
Her mother screamed at her "I'm going to fucking batter you in a minute"
I was so shocked!! But I sort of froze and I wanted to say something but I didn't!

I feel so bad about it now and can't stop thinking about it.. poor little girl

marble11 · 27/08/2021 16:53

And rightly so. The op needs to keep her beak out and concentrate on her own kids.

PatchworkElmer · 27/08/2021 16:54

Well done to the person who said something.

bamboocat · 27/08/2021 16:57

I remember hearing and seeing someone abusing their child in a shop one day. He looked really aggressive and I didn't dare say anything. It was nearly 20 years ago and I still berate myself for not helping that poor kid.

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